  
What is
manipulation?
Manipulation
is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:
- Get you what you want from others even when the others aren't
willing initially to give it to you.
- Make it seem to others
that they have come up with an idea or offer of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this
idea or need for help for your own benefit.
- Dishonestly get people to do or act
in a way which they might not have freely chosen on their own.
- Get "your way" in almost every interaction you have with people,
places, or things.
- Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than
the way it "really is."
- Hide behind a "mask"
and let people see you in an acceptable way when in reality
you're actually feeling or acting in an "unacceptable" way for these people.
- Make other people feel
sorry for you even though it would be better for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.
- Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you don't
have to face the problems alone.
- Keep everything the same
so that the "status quo" isn't affected or changed.
- Get others to feel like they're responsible for your welfare so that you don't have to make a decision
or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in your life.
What are the negative effects of manipulation?
- People will wake up to your "con job'' on them and be no longer
willing to support, assist, or help out when you need them.
- You'll become more likely to believe your own "con'' stories and fantasies and slip into a "pre-psychotic'' state with the inability to tell the difference between
the reality and fantasy in your stories and lies.
- You'll get caught up in the need to continue to manipulate and con because it's the only way people will respond to you
since they won't be able to relate to you as a "real'' or authentic person because that side of you is rarely shown.
- People will find it difficult to fully trust you in the future and they'll intentionally distance themselves from you for their own self-protection.
- You run the risk of loss of a healthy "conscience'' and you'll
not be able to see the wrongness of your lying, conniving and storytelling.
- People will be hurt by your behaviors because they'll have opened themselves up to you by believing your "con job'' and then will be hit in the face by the reality of your scam on them.
- You run the risk of being the recipient of others' anger, resentment, revenge seeking, hatred or rage when they 'wake up'' to how they have been manipulated, used and abused.
- You'll use up enormous amounts of emotional energy in continuing
your con of others and have little left to care for yourself.
- You'll experience a greater degree of stress and anxiety as time goes on and your con story line becomes more complex and people begin to pick apart the falsehood and dishonesty in your story.
- You'll experience depression and an emptiness as you realize that all of your success up to a point has been built like a "house of cards.''
- Your low self-esteem will be exacerbated because of the lack of ability to take pride in your hard honest work to become everything you were capable of becoming.
How is manipulation
a control issue?
Manipulation is a control issue because:
It can be a "politically savvy'' tool to handle over-controlling, intimidating and autocratic people, places, or things, by giving the impression that the others have the "power'' when in reality you're freely doing what you need to do in order to politically survive and thus retain the "locus of control'' in your own hands.
The goal of manipulation is to control and overpower other people to do what you want them to do for you.
It's the unhealthy use of "power'' tactics to get something for yourself even if it robs others of their freedom of choice, reason and rationality.
It uses control behaviors such as suicidal gestures to blackmail people to do
and be for you the way you want them to be.
Sets up over controllers to rescue, as you get away with shifting your responsibility for yourself off on others, you'll become more helpless so will seek out "fixers,'' "caretakers'' and "rescuers'' to take care of you.
Hooks others since you might be an unchangeable and uncontrollable factor
in someone else's life and yet keep that person "hooked'' into trying to "be there'' for you when it becomes unhealthy
or toxic for that person to continue to do so.
It involves dishonesty, deceit, use of masks, lack of clarity of messages sent and pretense in order to get people to be the way you want them to be.
It can be a subtle use of control over others since you get them to do for you what they might not have freely chosen to do on their own will.
It's a form of mind control or brainwashing to control the thinking of others in a way which may not be consistent with their previous pattern of behavior, feeling or thinking.
Subversive means to get others to puppet what you lead them to do is use of power and control which is problematic and dangerous for those manipulated.
Power position since tt places the "manipulator'' in a power position in control of the emotions and reasoning of those being manipulated. "Survival'' technique which allows you to retain control of your life to ensure you that no one takes advantage of you.
Power struggle tool, since in any struggle for power and control it is a tool'' which is used to catch the other side off guard in order to win'' the contest.
What irrational thinking leads to use of manipulation?
- If you don't keep others hooked on being involved with you, you'll end up being ignored, unaccepted or unwanted.
- Use of manipulation was the only way you have ever gotten what you needed in life so why should you learn new ways of achieving the same end.
- Use any means you need to "win" since "winning" is all that counts in life.
- Don't ever let others think they have the "upper hand" on you so that they never can take advantage of you.
- It's always better to show the "perfect" you to people than to let them see the "real" you.
- There's a "sucker" born every minute so if you work hard enough you can sucker someone into taking care of all of your needs.
- You can fool all of the people all of the time in order to get what you want out of them.
- You must get others deeply involved in your life's problems in order for you to feel important, the center of attention, cared for, approved of and accepted.
- You're most successful when you're able to "delegate" to others what you need to be doing for yourself.
- If it works use it; worry about the consequences later.
- Perception is reality, all that people are concerned about is their perception about things not the truth or underlying reality of the real situation.
Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationships
In order to cease using manipulation
in your relationships with others, you can try these steps:
First: Identify what behaviors
you're using in your relationships with others in order to manipulate them into doing
what you want them to do for you.
Eighth: Identify
new healthy, more productive coping behaviors which you can put into practice which will help you to become more personally responsible and less manipulative.
Ninth: Inform
those people you've been manipulating to take care of
you that you're now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on your own.
Tenth: Seek
support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back into manipulating others to ignore or to take care of these issues for you.
Eleventh: Give
permission to the people in your life to "call you on it'' when you're falling back into the manipulative
behaviors by which you try to control them to take responsibility for the issues in your life.
Twelfth: When
you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation, return to the first step and start
over again.
My
alarm sounds at 6:00am and I wake with a cheerful readiness, eager to face a new day. My normal ritual of showering, shampooing and then preparing coffee, offers me validation that I will enjoy another typical episode in the life of Donna Martini. But as I blow dry my hair in front of my vanity mirror,
enveloped in a thick terry robe, savoring each sip of that hot, delicious cup of coffee I'm reminded of others and their morning
rituals.
How
all of us as humans postulate about what we have and dwell on what we perceive not having.
Michael Peter
Hayes rises each morning to an innate mental alarm clock setting he has established for himself. Oblivious to his surroundings,
he turns to his mirror and painfully inserts very large tubes connected to hearing aids into swollen, tender ears.
He has now
made his connection to the world, ready to tend to his life as father, husband, businessman.
To Michael,
nothing is taken for granted. Born with a congenital defect, he has been profoundly hard of hearing and legally blind in one
eye since birth. His childhood consisted of tears, rejection and isolation, but Michael looks fondly back as he knows without the adversity, he would have never realized his strengths and the power of the inner realm in which he conducts his life.
Many people
don't know of the inner realm, but from my first encounter with Michael, in his hair salon, I recognized the aura surrounding him. Continuously utilizing his strengths, he has manipulated his
shortfalls into a productive lifestyle, that not only brings him wealth and happiness, but in addition, allows him to partake in the lives of others in a way most people could never comprehend.
As he shared
his disappointments and frustrations with me, I was taken aback, not at the impiety in which he had to live, but at the constant manipulation
of emotions that led him to victory. Can you imagine not being able to hear jokes or ridicule aimed at you, but instead witnessing the
animated faces and hands, pointing and gesturing as if you were an animal in the zoo?
How do you
react to words you can't hear or understand and try to speak in a voice that can't translate your emotions through slurs and inconsistencies?
Michael iterated
tales of teachers beating him with a pointer for singing the wrong song in class and of peering out the window of his school
bus filled with mentally retarded children, wondering if he too were retarded in some way.
Although it
was difficult to fathom this kind of torture, his pain was real to me and I listened in awe to his tales of triumph and positive manipulation.
In order to
survive the teasing and constant rejection he experienced, Michael decided at a very young age, to envision where he wanted to be. Without the use of his ears, he relied
on visuals to conduct his life. He absorbed books, continuously gleaning from whatever fodder was available, eager to learn what he couldn't hear.
Every aspect
of his persona became necessary to build. Refusing to allow his perceived disability to rule his destiny, he used his mind,
physique and personality to build his strengths and conquer weakness.
Every challenge in his life started from a picture he created in his head, allowing his body to follow in pursuit of his desires. He used a metaphor for his obstacles, remembering as a child that he wanted to learn yoga. Practicing every day, he'd "watch"
himself mentally get into the most difficult positions. After hours of practice he accomplished his task and used the power of this vision to progress for the rest of his life.
He challenged himself with martial arts, body building and boxing The mantra, 'if I can accomplish this, I can do anything!", set the stage for success, understanding that his only disability is what obstacles he placed on himself. Not hearing didn't mean, not knowing, as he had more understanding than others.
He used his
senses to go beyond what others hear and instead could feel, smell, taste and see into what normalcy has no need for. He became in tune with people, knowing before they spoke, understanding on a completely different level, especially with women.
Wanting to
elaborate on this connection, Michael took up hairdressing, utilizing his proclivity for art and his instinct for finding people's inner beauty. After
developing a clientele, he opened his own salon, designed in perfect detail, by him, to enhance the synergy and create an
atmosphere of power for his patrons. He draws from women and men what they may feel but don't yet see.
He learned
this through his own life provocation's, as he drew from himself what no one knew was there. According to Michael, "a hard
of hearing way is the only way, as I didn't really know what I was missing. Only words seem to be amiss, which can be compensated
for by the teachings of becoming aware. It becomes another sense.
Thru the imbalances
of nature there will always be too much or too little but in my world it can go beyond that, where as a subtle 'miss of play'
can become a catastrophe of missing."
Michael's message
is profound, as he describes what he now 'has' because of what he doesn't have. The inner realm is a place we all possess,
but don't recognize or utilize. It's where there are no deficits, only powers, where you can perceive your surroundings as outlets for those powers and relish in the beauty inside of yourself.
As Michael
continues to grow his thriving salon with his beautiful wife and child by his side, he has placed a mental photograph of his
next location, included in this elaborate plan, a rendering of an art school for the deaf and blind.
He's also drawing
energy from others, as he recruits them into his mission of helping people overcome their perceived deficits to find their
innate strengths and potential. I know this to be true, not only from what he has told me, but of the energy surrounding him
and his salon.
I recognized the power he possesses in the loving atmosphere he and his wife have created. I know when I'm there, he will try to bring out whatever is waiting to emerge. I'm
privileged to know him, but also excited about his message. Through all of my own adversity and life struggles, I see what other's don't. I'm happy for my deficits as I would have never known the beauty of my life without them. Thanks Michael!
Avoiding Manipulation
We can define manipulation as "getting people to do what you want without giving them something they value in return".
How does manipulation work?
When someone says
to you, "If you don't help me clean my house I'm going to be mad at you," that person is attempting to manipulate you. He isn't offering you anything except to withhold a display of bad temper, which he could do
in any case.
But if the same
friend says, "If you'll help me clean my house, I'll take you to the baseball game this afternoon" and your friend knows you
love baseball, that isn't attempted manipulation because you're being offered something you
value in exchange for your efforts.
Or if we tell someone,
"I'll be very disappointed if you don't come to my party," we're trying to manipulate her by indicating she will be
responsible for the state of our emotions, a highly dubious "privilege" at best.
On the other hand,
suppose we say, "If you come to my party, I'll introduce you to the famous producer you want to meet." If the person we're
talking w/is an aspiring actress and the famous producer actually is coming to the party, then we're non-manipulatively
offering her something she desires in exchange for what we're requesting.
Why Manipulators Manipulate
Why do people seek to manipulate us? For reasons ranging from the meanest to the most benevolent:
They derive emotional satisfaction from others' negative reactions.
Some people,
because they're so dissatisfied with themselves and their lives, try to create problems for us so we'll feel bad, too. If they're able to make us unhappy or uncomfortable they can focus on our pain instead of their own and momentarily feel better.
Manipulating others gives them a feeling of power.
People who consider
themselves weak & believe they lack power sometimes try to manufacture it by persuading people to do as they wish. When they're successful, they experience a temporary feeling of domination. Unfortunately for them & those w/whom they associate, the sensation
dissipates quickly & they must continually reinforce it.
They believe they aren't important enough.
Some individuals
believe they're so unimportant that others are unlikely to give them what they want simply for the asking. To make up for their lack
of bargaining chips, they try to convince us we should feel guilty or ashamed if we don't do as they ask, thinking (often correctly) that our desire to avoid those painful feelings will be so great that we'll do what they want.
They believe certain tasks are beneath them.
Some profoundly
misguided people tend to regard us more as servants than as equals. Because of the lowly status they've assigned us, they
expect us to do tasks they're averse to doing themselves, whether because of their ignorance, reluctance, laziness, or an unwillingness to clean up after themselves.
They don't know
how to do or get what they want.
Some people believe themselves incapable of achieving their goals directly, as mature adults do, so they feel they have no choice but to manipulate us so we will achieve their goals for them.
They're sure
their manipulation will benefit those manipulated.
This idea is embraced
by fanatics of every kind, who have deluded themselves into believing they know what's best or right for practically everyone.
Since they're certain they are gifted w/a special insight, they feel gratified if they can manipulate "less knowledgeable" people like
us into taking the path they've chosen.
In fact, most would-be
manipulators aren't genuinely bad; they're just weak, self-centered, insensitive, inconsiderate & misguided. They think of those they seek to manipulate as members of a lower order of creature, a less important form of life, whose needs & desires are also less important.
To manipulators, other people are less "real" than they are, somewhat like a clever puppy or a beast of burden,
which is to say, a nice enough creature, but one w/out a real existence of its own.
The Forms Of Manipulation
Manipulative techniques vary, but in general, manipulators try to get our emotions to work against us. They do this by saying or doing something they hope will induce in us guilt, shame, anger, fear, or some other uncomfortable emotion.
They may imply,
e.g., that our failure to do as they wish will bring about a major disaster. They may describe in minute detail the various kinds of unpleasantness
that'll occur if we neglect to take the action they suggest.
They may insist
certain things are our duty or responsibility, or they may appeal to us on the basis of morality, ethics, or anything else they think might persuade us to agree w/them. Some will pull out every emotional stop & tell us of the horrible pain they'll experience
if we "let them down."
We may be told
we'll feel better about ourselves, that we'll make the manipulator extremely happy, that he or she will love us forever, or any number of other essentially meaningless terms.
Manipulators' speech is frequently laced w/phrases such as these:
"You should. .
."
"You ought to .
. ."
"If I were you,
I'd . . ."
"It's for the best"
"I only want what's
best for you"
"You'll thank me
for this later"
"What will people
say?"
"What will people
think?"
They use these
& many other phrases which imply we will suffer a censure or penalty of some kind if we don't meet the "obligation" they've chosen for us.
What element do
all these techniques have in common? The manipulator offers us nothing we value in exchange for doing what he or she asks.
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Manipulative Behavior Inventory
Directions: If you currently use any of the following behaviors
in your relationships w/people in your life, mark yes.
1. Play the victim _yes_no
2. Play the martyr _yes_no
3 Act helpless _yes_no
4. Play stupid _yes_no
5. Act
incompetent _yes_no
6. Act
angry _yes_no
7. Throw
temper tantrums _yes_no
8. Say
"anything you want'' when you don't mean it _yes_no
9. Act
compliant when you don't want to _yes_no
10. Lie about how you feel _yes_no
11. Act
lost _yes_no
12. Act
suicidal _yes_no
13. Act hopeless & pathetic _yes_no
14. Act depressed _yes_no
15. Act
befuddled or confused _yes_no
16. Tell
stories or fabrications _yes_no
17. Use
hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems _yes_no
18. Act
as a "wedge'' between people keeping them divided against one another _yes_no
19. Act
judgmental or shame people _yes_no
20. Use guilt trips _yes_no
21. Use
ridicule _yes_no
22. "Cry
wolf'' _yes_no
23. "Looking
good'' for the other _yes_no
24. People pleasing _yes_no
25. Passive aggressiveness _yes_no
26. Act hurt or wounded _yes_no
27. Act ignored or forgotten _yes_no
28. Act
unloved or uncared for _yes_no
29. Blame others for your problems _yes_no
30. Kiss up _yes_no
31. Act
overly solicitous _yes_no
32. Ingratiate
yourself with others _yes_no
33. Exaggerated sincerity _yes_no
34. Overly
charming _yes_no
35. Act
"out of it'' _yes_no
36. Act
"sorry'' for your bad behaviors _yes_no
37. Insincere promising of change or reformation of behaviors _yes_no
38. Act as if you don't have value or worth _yes_no
39. Keep
everybody upset to keep focus off you _yes_no
40. Keep people around you in competitive relationships _yes_no
Steps to eliminating manipulation in your life
Step 1: In order to eliminate
the use of manipulation in your life, you first need to identify the behaviors you use to
manipulate others to ignore or take over responsibility for your care and your problem life issues. To identify your manipulative behaviors, use the Manipulative
Behavior Inventory in the beginning of this chapter.
Step 2: Once you've identified
the manipulative behaviors you use to get people to do things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard, you then need to identify who are the people you manipulate.
In your journal, identify the people you manipulate.
Step 3: Why do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues present in your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer the following questions about these issues.
A. How do you feel about each of these issues?
B. Why do you feel a need to manipulate
others concerning these issues?
C. Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook?
D. Which issues do you want others to fix or change for you?
H. Which issues do you want to run away from?
Step 4:
In your journal now identify:
Step 5: In your journal
now identify what new, healthier, more productive behaviors you need to develop to address your problems & issues.
Step 6: Implement these
new behaviors.
Step 7: Inform people of
your old manipulative behaviors & give them permission to "call you on it'' if you fall
back into old manipulative ways.
Step 8: If you find yourself
relapsing back into manipulative behaviors to get people to ignore or take care of you, then return to Step 1 & begin over again.
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"The Seven-Word Warning (To Stop Manipulating Your Parents)"
How parents
let their kids know that they can no longer play them.
Do you like to complain to your parents? When you whine and gripe and give them lots of attitude,
do you find that they give you what you want, let you out of responsibilities and basically get out of your way?
Way to go! You're learning early in life that manipulation can
be a powerful tool. As long as it's working, you might as well use it to the max.
Every skill has its limits, though, so you might want to know when throwing your weight around is losing its effect. When your parents are tired of
your act, they'll give you an unmistakable, seven-word warning that they're about to shut you down: What
do you want me to do?
Even with this "heads-up" from me, you might not
realize right away how powerful these words are, so I'll break it down for you.
What do you want me to do? means you
can't be vague
Creating confusion--expressing anger & complaints in an unclear way - is one of your most clever tricks to getting your way w/your parents.
"I'm just pissed, everything sucks, this is boring, I hate that, you never do anything for me"
-
statements like these keep your parents off balance.
You get them wondering what the problem is & may influence them to try to please you (w/goodies) or make you less stressed (by taking away responsibilities, pressure, or their authority). Sounds good, huh?
Unfortunately, the Seven-Word Warning takes the power away from that tactic, because it calls your bluff & asks you to say specifically what you really want. Imagine, i.e.,
you're avoiding your homework, & you want your parents to either do it for you or allow you to skip it.
You might get irritable, complain about how hard & unfair homework is, or even better, make statements like "I'm so stupid," "I can't do this," or "This is making me so depressed!"
"What do you want me to do?" your father asks.
"I
don't know. Nothing. It's too hard! I just can't do it!"
"So.... What do you
want me to do?"
Obviously, you can't say straight out that you want him to do it
for you or let you skip it. Repeating his Seven-Word Warning, he is telling you that's not going to happen & you have
two choices: to make a reasonable, specific request for help, or to knock off the act & just do it.
What
do you want me to do? means you can't blame your parents or claim they're against you
When your parents utter
those seven words, they're making a clear offer of help, giving you an opportunity to tell them what you need.
If you don't, it's on you, it's not their problem & as far as they're concerned, you don't
have a right to complain if you won't tell them. If you still protest or blame them, you'll no longer shake them up - they'll just ignore you until you answer the question. Reverse psychology doesn't work, either. i.e.,
"This sucks! I never get any money! My friends buy new
stuff all the time & I get nothing!"
"What
do you want me to do?"
your mother responds.
"Nothing! Nothing at all! I don't want you to do
ANYTHING for me!"
you shout, hoping she will come to your rescue & offer you a deal.
To
your surprise, she responds,
"Okay. Let me know if you think of something,"
& walks away.
Once they give you the Seven-Word Warning, you can
be sure that they will not offer any deals or try to please you in any way if you refuse to answer the question.
What do you want me to do? means you have to take responsibility
When you whine, fuss, or sulk, your primary objective is to avoid responsibility, right? You're probably thinking,
"My moods & actions will convince my parents to give me something or get off my back."
This is fun. What a satisfying feeling to play your parents & get what you want w/out taking any responsibility or working for it. Without this strategy, you'd actually have to earn privileges from your parents, doing things like achieving
in school, completing chores, following directions & waiting until you've saved money to buy things you want.
You'd also have to take responsibility for communicating your needs clearly w/your parents & maintaining a respectful attitude.
What do you want me to do? means you can't get away with ridiculous requests
No offense, but asking parents to let you out of homework, change rules, give you things that
you haven't earned, or ignore obnoxious behavior are ridiculous requests.
"What do you want me to do?"
your
parent asks.
"Never tell me what to do, give me money whenever I ask & let me do whatever I want
all the time,"
you
respond.
Yeah, right!
This is the worst part: when your parents ask you what you want them to do, not only do you have
to be specific, take responsibility & tell them what you want, but you have to be reasonable about it:
- "I want you to help me w/my homework"
- "I want to take a break in the middle of my 2
hours of homework to watch my favorite show"
- "I want to finish my chores after the basketball
game"
- "I don't want you to talk about me in front of
my friends"
- "I really want to buy ______ & it costs $50.
What can I do to earn it?"
These reasonable requests might seem like a pain & far less satisfying than manipulation. However, when you make them, you're practicing a skill that in the long
run will be even more advantageous: negotiation.
But
where does the negotiation come in, you ask? Once I make these reasonable requests, won't my parents be blown away by my respectfulness & maturity & cave in to every request?
Sometimes, but other times, they'll negotiate, too. Even if you do impress them at first, the
shock value wears off. Over time, you can expect responses such as:
- "Why should I do this for you? "
- "What's in this for me?"
- "What are you going to do about it?"
- "Sorry, I can't help you right now"
When this happens, it's okay to feel disappointed, but don't get too discouraged. Your parents have to say "No" from time to time, because the world is going to tell you "No" a lot. They need to prepare you to deal w/this.
Besides, the tougher your parents are to convince, the better the negotiation skills you'll develop
& the more successful you'll be going after what you want in the "real world".
Are you someone's puppet? 4 ways people manipulate others.
by Mary Treffert
With the current interest
in mental health topics, a mental health language has emerged with words such as manipulation,
boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, and codependence. Many people are unclear what these words mean when applied to relationships. I would like to bring some
clarity to one of these terms – MANIPULATION – and how it relates to the other
terms mentioned above.
Webster’s New World Dictionary defines manipulation as: “managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use of influence, often in an unfair or
fraudulent way; to alter or falsify for one’s own purpose.”
In relationships,
manipulation can be defined as: any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert), another person’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors.
From this definition, manipulation would seem to have no advantages. However,
if you are codependent and defined by others, there can be many advantages. When you allow others to control your thoughts,
feelings, behaviors, and make decisions for you,
-- you do not have to think for
yourself;
-- you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;
-- you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;
-- you can avoid
feeling responsible for negative outcomes;
-- you get to blame others when things go
wrong;
-- you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, what to think, how to
feel and what to decide, that you are “being loved” because they “want what is best for you”;
--
you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;
-- you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.
Appreciating
the advantages of not being manipulated is to accept the hard work of living and interacting
with others. It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally. These advantages can be that,
-- you learn to know who you are, what you like, what you think, and how you feel;
-- you
learn to make difficult decisions;
-- you get to take credit for your decisions;
--
you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;
-- you learn
to handle differences and conflicts;
-- you get to be in control of your life and know
the freedom of personal self-reliance;
-- you get to have an increased sense of self
worth by feeling competent and capable of taking responsibility for your life and personal happiness.
Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicited helping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence,
in order to achieve a desired outcome. For example,
1) Power – physical, verbal,
intellectual intimidation or threats, put-downs, belittling, withholding of things needed or wanted. The goal is to be in
a “one up, I am right and you are wrong” position;
2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing
– doing things for others when they do not request it, want it, or need it; helping others so they become indebted,
obligated, and owe you. The goal is to be in the “after all I have done for you, and now you owe me” position;
3) Guilt – shaming, scolding, blaming others, attempting to make others responsible, trying
to collect for past favors. The goal is to be in the “it is all your fault,” or “after all I have done for
you and now you treat me like this” position;
4) Weakness/dependence
– being (or threatening to become) helpless, needy, fearful, sick,
depressed, incompetent, suicidal. The goal is to confuse want with need, with the message “if you do not take care of
me, something bad is going to happen and it will be all your fault” position.
With
manipulation, there is a physical and emotional response, such as a heightened level of
anxiety or irritation, although it may not be perceived as such.
Manipulation feels
like a struggle or contest, not free communication. The reason is the manipulator is always
invested in the outcome of a situation.
This is where boundaries differ from manipulation.
Boundaries (or limits) are statements about our values and where we stand on issues. True boundaries are not threats or about getting the other person to do what we want. True boundaries are not compromised by another’s response.
For example, you discover that
your spouse has lied to you and has run up a large gambling debt. You discover the problem by chance, get financial and professional
help and are back on track. However, there are new signs of trouble. It is time for some hard decisions.
- What is your bottom line?
- What will you tolerate?
- What manipulative tactics do you use to change your spouse’s
behavior – check up on them constantly, bird-dog them, never let them be alone, hide the credit cards, lie to your creditors,
parents, and children?
- How much rescuing, guilt, power plays, threats, and protection
do you run on the gambler?
- At what point do you stop trying to change their behavior
and let them know your bottom line?
You cannot make them do or not do anything.
You can only let them know what your position is and what you are willing to do to protect yourself and those you are responsible
for.
The problem with loud, threatening bottom lines, is that they keep getting
louder, more threatening, and redrawn lower and lower.
We tend to determine what
our position and action is by what the other person does, instead of voicing our true position and then responding accordingly.
This is the time for tough decisions and actions.
In another example, a friend asks
you for a ride to work because she is having car trouble. This is the time to establish ground rules, such as, how long will
she need your help, pick up times, expense sharing, days off, etc. A boundary or limit is set when you clearly let your friend know what you are willing to do and not do.
Problems arise – she is frequently not on time morning and evening. Do you wait and be late, or do you
leave her? Her car has been in the shop six weeks because she cannot afford to get it out. She has not offered to help with
the expense, nor does she seem concerned about the arrangement.
Your friend is using
weakness to manipulate and be dependent on you. She has transferred her problem to you and
you have accepted it by rescuing and not setting boundaries or limits on your participation in her problem. If you refuse to wait when she is late and she has problems as a result,
she will blame you and try to make you feel guilty. What we really want are for others to be responsible and play fair; however,
when they do not, we either have to set boundaries, or feel manipulated and victimized with the accompanying advantages and disadvantages.
Lastly, often we confuse understanding with AGREEMENT.
This is when people confuse their decisions with wanting the recipient
of a decision to like or agree with it. When we make decisions that oppose the desires of others, there is a cost. We usually
attempt to minimize that cost by explaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for that decision, somehow thinking if they
could just understand our position, they would agree.
Applying that scenario to parent and child –
if a parent makes a decision based on the best interest of the child, it needs to be made separate from whether the child
is going to like it.
When a child knows it is important to the parent that they
be happy with a decision, then it will never be in the child’s personal interest to be happy with an unwanted decision.
If a child knows that their happiness with a parental decision is of equal importance
to the decision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappy in order to make their parent uncomfortable and doubt their
decision - after all, it is always worth a try. This same dynamic can apply to interactions among adults also.
How do we manage manipulation? By becoming more aware of our
interaction with others.
- Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does it feel like a contest?
- Are
you beginning to feel anxious or irritated?
- Do you want to get out of the conversation?
- Does the interaction fit
into a manipulative style?
- Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, or weakness
to get your cooperation?
- Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation?
-
Is it easier not taking responsibility?
- Are you attempting to manipulate others instead of setting clear boundaries?
- Are you making a distinction between a value and a preference?
Preferences can be negotiated, but values should
not.
Our society does not deal well with differences in values and preference. We
tend to take it as a personal affront and insult when others disagree with us. We will avoid conflicts at all costs, because
it feels like rejection. What we need is to communicate to others, clearly and calmly, our values, preferences, and boundaries. We need to be respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing and appreciating, if not understanding, how we all are different.
victimbehavior.com/manipulation/Copyrighted 1994
This and other informative articles can be found at:
victimbehavior.com.
Author's Bio
Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, is a Licensed, Clinical Social Worker, who is an individual, couple,
and family therapist in Baton Rouge, LA.
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