‘Feelings bag’ can help kids cope w/their emotions

JENNIFER ADKINS - columnist

Many grown-ups think that kids have it made -- no job, no mortgage payment, no responsibilities, no receding hairline. But kids have their own worries & concerns that go beyond being too short to reach the cookie jar. A problem that seems small to an adult can be truly frustrating to a child.

And most young children aren’t very skilled at handling that frustration. If you’ve ever been in the company of a 2-year-old for very long, you’ve probably witnessed the melodramatic mood swings & theatrical temper tantrums they’re famous for.

The truth is, though, learning to manage emotions is a tough job at any age.

For kids w/special problems, it’s tougher yet. My oldest son has had the "terrible 2" personality throughout the first 7 years of his life. His extreme moods & fits of anger were impervious to every discipline method we tried.

He’s since been diagnosed w/early-onset bipolar disorder. Even w/ the help of therapy & medication, managing his emotions will always be a particular challenge for him.

His therapist suggested a strategy that he has responded well to. I think it would work wonderfully for just about any child at any age, even those w/a normal-kid temperament

We were told to put together a "feelings bag" containing some of his favorite belongings & activities that he could use to help calm himself when he was feeling angry or upset. Though he would need prompting at first, the eventual goal was for him to learn to recognize when he needed to take a self-imposed chill-out session w/his feelings bag.

My son was very excited about this project. He selected a gift bag w/some puppies on it, but you could use any cloth or other sturdy bag. The child might enjoy decorating a plain bag himself.

He chose to include a few small stuffed toys, paper & pencils for drawing, some cards w/animal pictures on them & other quiet activities he could do by himself. A child might also choose favorite books or security objects, or anything that helps him to feel calm & safe.

You might want to obtain duplicates of a special item so that one could always be available in the feelings bag.

I think I might just make one of those bags for myself, too.

Jennifer Adkins is a Huntington resident & stay-at-home mom of Andrew, 7; Emily, 4; & Aidan, 2. You can contact her by e-mailing jsadkins1@hotmail.com.

What is depression in teenagers?

Occasional melancholy, bad moods & short periods of feeling down are common in adolescence. Major depression, however, limits an adolescent's ability to function normally.

Depression in teenagers is characterized by a persistent sad mood, anger, feelings of hopelessness or the inability to feel pleasure or happiness for an extended period of time - weeks, months or years.

What triggers depression in teenagers?

The reasons for depression can vary from adolescent to adolescent. Often, depression results from a confluence of factors:

• Personal experiences: events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, a move to a new area & even a breakup w/a girlfriend or boyfriend can prompt symptoms.

Adolescent depression can occur from neglect, prolonged absence from someone who is a source of care & nurturance, abuse & bullying, damage to self-esteem or too many changes occurring in the life too quickly. In some teenagers, any major change may provoke depression.

• Earlier traumatic experiences: a young child who is a victim of abuse or incest doesn't have the life experience or language to understand what's happening nor to protest. As the child becomes a teen, these painful experiences often emerge & cause great distress, which can be compounded if adults deny or discount the information.

• Stress, especially if the adolescent lacks emotional support.

• Hormonal changes: the physical changes that occur during puberty are the result of hormones, which also cause new & unexpected emotions. Moodiness & melancholy are often experienced & labeled as depression.

• Medical conditions such as hypothyroidism, can affect hormone balance & mood. Chronic physical illness also can cause depression.

When a medical condition is diagnosed & treated by a doctor, the depression usually disappears. Substance abuse can cause changes in brain chemistry.

• Allergies to such foods as wheat, sugar & milk cause or exacerbate symptoms of depression.

• Nutritional deficiencies may be caused by an amino acid imbalance or vitamin deficiency.

• Biology: depression tends to run in families due to family predisposition.

What are the effects of depression in teenagers?

Many teen behaviors or attitudes that are annoying to adults are actually indications of depression:

• Drug & alcohol use (depressed teens often use substances in an attempt to self-medicate their symptoms)

• Low self-esteem (depression can intensify feelings of ugliness & unworthiness)

• Eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, or yo-yo dieting are often signs of unrecognized depression)

• Self injury (cutting, burning, head banging, or other kinds of self-mutilation are almost always associated w/depression)

• Acting out (depression in teenagers may appear as agitation, aggression, or high risk behaviors rather than—or in addition to—gloominess)

• Suicidal thoughts or attempts (teens who are seriously depression or despondent often think, speak, or make "attention-getting" attempts at suicide, which should be taken seriously)

What are the risk factors for suicide in teenagers?

An alarming & increasing number of teenagers attempt & succeed at suicide. Suicide is now the 3rd highest cause of death in adolescents & children as young as 5 have been reported to have committed suicide. It's also probable that suicidal statistics for teens are underreported, as they might overlook those whose reckless or dangerous behavior resulted in death, or those in which the cause can't be definitely identified.

There are several risk factors associated w/teen suicide:

• previous suicidal behavior

• history of psychiatric disorder or substance abuse

• family history of suicide, psychiatric disorder or substance abuse

• loss of parent thru any means

• history of abuse, violence or neglect

• social isolation / alienation, including because of being gay or being bullied

What kinds of events precipitate suicide in teenagers?

Adolescence is typically a time of extreme moods, as hormonal changes & academic & social challenges escalate. Suicidal behavior in adolescents is commonly precipitated by events or challenges that the teenager finds too difficult to tolerate.

Even things that seem minor to an adult can be major to a young person, who doesn't have the life experience to put them into perspective nor to understand that life comes w/changes & losses. Some common precipitants of suicidal behavior in teenagers include:

• death of a family member or close friend (particularly if by suicide)

• loss of a romantic relationship or good friendship

• loss of a parent thru divorce or separation

• loss of a pet, treasured object, job or opportunity

• fear of punishment

• physical, sexual or psychological abuse

• unwanted pregnancy

• poor grades

• fight or argument w/family member or loved one

• belief one has harmed or brought harm to a family member or friend

• embarrassment or humiliation

• concerns about sexuality

• suicide of a friend, acquaintance, or celebrity ("copy cat" suicide)

What can teenagers do to help themselves or a friend if they begin to feel depressed?

Teenage moodiness is a normal part of adolescent development. In part, it's caused by hormonal changes that cause moods to fluctuate. Just knowing that these mood swings are normal can help reduce the anxiety that often accompanies these intense feelings.

However, teens can become depressed beyond normal moodiness & need help to get past these feelings. Some people think that talking about sad feelings will make them worse, but the opposite is almost always true. It's very helpful to share your worries w/someone who will listen & who cares, especially a trained professional who can guide you to feeling better.

• Reach out & talk to friends, parents or teachers.

• If you're stressed out by exams, talk to your teacher or school counselor.

• If you're worried about being pregnant, see your general practitioner or family planning clinic.

• Keep as active & occupied as possible. Spend time w/friends, especially those who are active & upbeat.

• Avoid hanging out w/those who use drugs or alcohol to cope w/ feelings.

• Remember you're not alone. Depression is a common problem & usually a passing state. Even though it feels like it will never lift, depression almost always does come & go on its own & w/proper intervention, it can be controlled, greatly reduced or overcome.

• You might need medication to temporarily help you while you sort out your feelings. Be sure your parents look into this before deciding, as some antidepressants used w/adults can actually make teens feel worse.

• Above all, do not do anything that can cause permanent damage or death. Remember that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

If you have a depressed friend, especially one who talks about suicide or is giving things away, DO NOT consider it a betrayal to tell a responsible adult. Depression depletes energy & clouds judgment, & your friend may do something that can never be repaired if help isn't received.

Even if you promised not to tell, your friend needs your help & you would rather have a friend who is temporarily angry at you than one who is no longer alive.

What can parents do if a teenager is depressed?

It's difficult for caring, concerned parents to see their children struggling. Sometimes parents wonder if their teen is being melodramatic or "just trying to get attention" w/challenging behavior. Even if that were the case, it would indicate a need for some appropriate response.

The first problem is to distinguish between a more serious depression & "normal," typical adolescent moodiness, caused by hormonal changes & brain growth spurts.

i.e., it's common for girls to become moody, edgy & anxious just before & during menstruation & maybe even longer, if she suffers from hormonal problems.

If grouchy behavior seems to have a pattern or cycle, it's likely the symptoms are tied to hormonal changes & aren't indicative of clinical depression.

In contrast, one hallmark of clinical depression is the tendency to become isolated – to stop talking to family & to stop spending time w/friends & this kind of moodiness doesn't seem to lift after a couple of weeks.

Rushing to a therapist when symptoms are actually w/in the range of normal can have several negative effects:

• the child feels like there must be something wrong w/himself or herself, which can trip a fragile balance into a lower sense of self esteem

• there may be a long-lasting stigma attached to a diagnosis

• medications may be prescribed unnecessarily & w/out careful monitoring

If you suspect depression:

• respond w/love, kindness & support

• let your child know that you're there, whenever she or he needs you & do so often

• keep trying, but gently, if your adolescent shuts you out (depressed teenagers don't want to feel patronized or crowded)

• don't criticize or pass judgment, once the adolescent begins to talk (the important thing is that he/she talks & communicates feelings)

• encourage activity & praise efforts

• seek help from a doctor or mental health professional, if the adolescent's depressed feeling doesn't pass w/time (be prepared to list behaviors, note how long & how often they've been occurring & how severe they seem)

• Don't wait & hope that symptoms will go away on their own. When depression is severe – if adolescents are thinking about hurting themselves or about suicide – seek professional help as soon as possible.

• Parents of depressed adolescents may themselves need support. Seek out groups of parents who have experience w/ teen depression.

The single most important thing a parent can do to break down the social isolation that's at the heart of adolescent problems is to LISTEN:

• listen when your children talk

• listen to their music

• spend more time w/them & be involved in their activities

• take them to movies & concerts & discuss them afterward

• know their friends & listen to them, as well

• don't lecture or offer unsolicited advice or ultimatums

• don't try to talk them out of their feelings

In addition, a parent can – & should – express their concerns directly. It isn't easy to connect w/teens in this way & parents may need professional guidance to assist them. Yes, it's likely that the teenager will get angry & will say harsh things ("It's none of your business!" "Get out of my room!" "I hate you!"), but this kind of response is often an unintentional test:

• Will you be able to handle my big feelings?

• Can I trust you to hang in w/me, even when I act like this?

• Can I rely on you to be here for me & not to walk away or push me away?

• Will you provide a strong & safe place for me – walls that do not cave in even when I push them?

• Will you love me even when I don't know how to love myself or you?

Parents who show their kids that disagreements & painful feelings can safely be expressed & that they can be resolved, make it safe for their kids to open up to them.

The sharing of confusion, sadness, loneliness, shame & other strong emotions often decreases the intensity & opens the way for real communication, which in turn reduces the isolation that's such a large part of depression.

Tale of two boys: Tears flowed as I read your article "All the Rage."

As I read Emily Parker's description of Taylor Hooton's behavior in the months & days leading to his death, it was an all-too-familiar story. The melodramatic behavior, the depression, the anger, how he couldn't function w/out her, how he thought he was a disappointment to her, to his parents, to himself & most of all, her description of Taylor's tears. Lots & lots of tears.

Reading this story was like reliving the summer of 2003 in my own home. Taylor's behavior so mirrored that of my son, that in most places in this article, you could have simply inserted my son's name & the story would still be true.

To me, there can be no stronger confirmation that steroids were the cause of both boys' problems than the fact that their stories are exactly the same w/one exception: Taylor is gone; my son isn't. I'm Chris Wash's mother.

Although the Dallas Observer contacted Chris on many occasions while the research for this article was being done, Chris opted not to speak w/you [except once, briefly]. It wasn't because he doesn't have strong feelings on this issue.

The reason is simply that Chris is still, a year later, suffering the emotional consequences of his steroid abuse. His depression has continued to varying degrees & the constant reliving of his horrible experience has kept him on an emotional roller coaster.

Where Taylor's story ends, Chris' story begins. In the year since Chris quit taking steroids, his life has been a constant battle. He has had to fight not only his own emotional issues (depression, anxiety & bouts of suicidal thoughts), but he has had to fight to make people understand what he has been thru & what the cause of his issues are. For whatever reason, people simply don't want to believe that steroids caused Chris' problems.

My purpose in writing this letter is twofold. I want parents to realize the extent of the steroid problem we have in our schools, not only among the athletes but also among the student population in general.

As parents, we can't depend on the school administrators, counselors, coaches or teachers to educate our kids on the dangers of steroid use. We have to educate ourselves & include steroids in the list of things we try to teach our kids to stay away from.

Up until now, that list included things like smoking, drugs, alcohol & AIDS. We need to make sure we now add steroids to that list. All of us have become obsessed w/our appearance. Everywhere you look we are all told to fight the signs of aging, to look better than we do, to look younger than we are.

In Plano, we are inundated w/advertisements for plastic surgery, workout facilities, Botox injections, skin care treatments, teeth whitening. The message we are sending to our kids is that LOOKS DO MATTER.

Is it any wonder why our kids are now turning to things like steroids to achieve the perfect body image? Our sons want to look like the Abercrombie models, our daughters like Victoria's Secret models. Steroids are helping them to achieve that look. Our kids need to know what steroids can do to harm them. They need to know that their life is too high a price to pay just to look good.

My second reason for this letter is to take this opportunity to publicly thank Gwen & Don Hooton for their unrelenting devotion to educating the public of the horrors of steroid abuse. Every time Taylor's story is told, either in print or on TV, the Hootons are forced to relive the worst day of their lives.

I know from personal experience how difficult it is to watch your own tragedy be told by the press. The Hootons are to be commended for their total lack of selfishness. I know for a fact that if it hadn't been for their willingness to share Taylor's story, my son would probably be dead. After all, the only difference in their stories is the ending. Chris is still here to share his experience; Taylor is not.

Debbie Russo
Dallas

Are You or Your Partner Addicted to Drama? 

We are all familiar w/chemical addictions to intoxicating substances such as alcohol or cocaine. Sex, work & internet use are also frequently mentioned as aspects of life that can be used addictively.

The least recognized addiction in our society, however, may be the addiction to drama which manifests in so many relationships. While drama is a legitimate category of cinema & theater, as an addictive process in relationships it refers to an ongoing dysfunctional need to continually recreate unsafe & unhealthy emotional intensity in one's relationships. 

What is the attraction to drama? The drama addict is hooked on the adrenaline rush of relationships & people that appear wildly exciting in their intensity. But don't confuse these ''exciting'' qualities w/love:

• lots of intense conflict

• punctuated w/yelling

• screaming

• throwing things

• as well as verbal & physical abuse

• frequent dramatic breakups & passionate makeups

• ongoing lying & cheating

• withholding of truth

• betrayal of trust

• emotional &/or physical affairs

• spying on each other

• poor or non-existent boundaries

• racing from the height of ecstasy to the pit of despair in an out-of-control emotional roller coaster 

Drama addiction is so supported & even honored in our media that it has become transparent for many people.

Portrayals of relationships in the movies & soap operas often involve a degree of lying, deception, affairs & general dysfunction in far greater proportion than exists in real lives. And nowhere is this expressed more blatantly than on talk shows, often seen as the lowest common denominator of sensationalistic programming. 

We had a fascinating glimpse into the inner world of television talk shows last year when we were invited to be expert guests on a national talk show that was to discuss healthy ways for couples to handle infidelity. We made it clear that we wouldn't participate in a sensationalistic show & we were reassured repeatedly that this would be a quality show where issues about infidelity would be discussed in a healthy manner.

We were briefed ahead of time about the guests scheduled to appear on the show & felt comfortable w/the setup. Once we were in the studio, however, the host & producer of the show kept changing the format & even changing the guests.

And just 2 minutes before we were to go on, we were informed of a ''slight change'' whereby the entire show was totally changed, resulting in the exact kind of sensationalistic show we said we wouldn't be part of.

We ended up walking off the show, much to the consternation of the producer, who tried in vain to manipulate us thru guilt, intimidation & even verbal abuse into staying & doing the show. 

In fact, they may only feel alive when they get that familiar adrenaline rush that lets them know they have created another messy situation. Other people who create dramatic relationships may have successfully dealt w/other addictions & have transferred their need for excitement & intensity to relationships. 

If you recognize yourself as a drama addict, examine the types of relationships you've created in the present & past. Did you mistake intensity or need or lust or drama for love?

What did you do to promote the drama? How did you handle conflict in yourself & your partner? What information did you withhold? What provoking remarks or behavior did you engage in? 

If you come from drama in your family, your brain is preset to resonate w/feelings of chemistry & infatuation w/someone from a similar background. Once you understand that what you thought was love is really drama addiction, your journey of healing & path to genuine love can begin.

Slow down & de-intensify your next relationship. Be honest w/yourself & your partner. Recognize that true love isn't a consistently intense feeling but rather a series of actions, hundreds & thousands of small repeated kindnesses, many of which may not be as dramatic or intoxicating as running out of your home & slamming the door at 3 am during a fight.

But the cumulative effect of these repeated kindnesses is a powerful, deep, reciprocal loving connection, where you can truly get - & give - the love your heart most deeply yearns for. And that is ultimately the most exciting love of all. 

1. To act as a patron to; support or sponsor.
2. To go to as a customer, especially on a regular basis.
3. To treat in a condescending manner.