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need - needed - needy - needs

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kathleen

remembering september eleventh
forever free: remembering september eleventh
always & forever

 
Your dictionary definition of:
 
need
n.
  1. A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted: crops in need of water; a need for affection.
  2. Something required or wanted; a requisite: “Those of us who led the charge for these women's issues... shared a common vision in the needs of women” (Olympia Snowe).
  3. Necessity; obligation: There is no need for you to go.
  4. A condition of poverty or misfortune: The family is in dire need.
v. need·ed, need·ing, needs
v. aux.
To be under the necessity of or the obligation to: They need not come.
v. tr.
To have need of; require: The family needs money. See Synonyms at lack.
v. intr.
  1. To be in need or want.
  2. To be necessary.

The 16 basic psychological needs were determined empirically and are extensively validated.

They are:

  • Acceptance, the need for approval
  • Curiosity, the need to think
  • Eating, the need for food
  • Family, the need to raise children
  • Honor, the need to be loyal to the traditional values of one's clan/ethnic group
  • Idealism, the need for social justice
  • Independence, the need for individuality
  • Order, the need for organized, stable, predictable environments
  • Physical Activity, the need for exercise
  • Power, the need for influence of will
  • *Romance, the need for sex
  • Saving, the need to collect
  • Social Contact, the need for friends (peer relationships)
  • Status, the need for social standing/importance
  • Tranquility, the need to be safe
  • Vengeance, the need to strike back

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read my personal blog about living with emotional feelings!
 
 
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If there's an unhealthy need you're feeling such as:
  • the need to be perfect
  • the need for approval
  • the need to "fix" someone or something
  • the need to be a victim or martyr
  • the need to have a fantasy relationship
  • the need for competition
  • the need for confrontations

and more... click here to visit the "Unhealthy Needs" page!

It's new at feeling emotional, 3!

Maslow for the Modern World
by Wendy Brache
 
It is becoming more and more difficult to escape. Phones follow us wherever we go, e-mails ping and blackberries call to us with abbreviations as various TV’s bark for us to “call now!”. Our garages are filled with more cars that take us to more places in less time than we somehow used to have.

Simply taking a deep breath can, at times, seem impossible. Even less of a possibility, is finding the time to think about what we need before being thrust into the next item on our list as we move full throttle through our lives…only to realize we’re getting no where at all.

In 1943 Abraham Maslow theorized on the needs of the human race, illustrating this with a hierarchical pyramid. He explained that our basic needs must be met in order to allow us to seek satisfaction at a higher level. The extent to which our needs our met, he said, shapes our behavior and affects our personal lives and the lives of those around us. Maslow stated that we instinctively seek out a higher purpose in life, and are not able to reach our full potential until more basic needs have been satisfied.

The widest part of Maslow’s diagram – the bottom of the pyramid – houses our most basic needs of survival – breathing, food, water, shelter. Once these needs have been met, we are able to strive for the next level, “safety”– feeling safe from harm, having security of employment and resources, the safety and health of our family.

Once this level has been fulfilled, we can move into our need for friendship, a loving family and intimacy. When these have been secured, we can then strive for well being – feeling confidence within ourselves, garnishing a feeling of achievement, possessing a higher self esteem, and having an overall respect for others.

The highest level of fulfillment as a human - the very tip of the pyramid - is where we look to satisfy our needs of problem solving, embarking on creative and moral endeavors, and existing without judgment.

Maslow’s study explained that we all begin at the bottom of the pyramid and we move up into the higher levels of the pyramid only when the needs of the current level have been met. One cannot skip over levels, and we can be tossed back into a lower level at any moment. A life threatening situation, for example, can abruptly thrust us back to intensely focusing on our very basic needs of survival, without concern for things like self esteem and our desire for intimacy.

Raising children presents an effortless opportunity for us to put the needs of others before our own. From carpooling, shuffling our kids to lessons, sports, and clubs, and the endless list of other activities in which we invest our time and money, our desires as parents - as people - humans - can easily get lost in the mix. What parent has sufficient time to relax, read a book or even go to the doctor about that annoying cough when each hour of the day is already spoken for?

We often want what we want when we want it. And most of the time, we get just that, regardless of whether it’s appropriate for us. If we are trying to solve even a minor problem, however - like a scheduling mix up or an answer for a manager - while we are hungry or exhausted, those needs must first be met before we can expect to be successful at the other things we’re trying to accomplish. If we allow ourselves to get burned out, becoming annoyed with our children and family and overwhelmed of all that is being asked of us, it becomes imperative to take some time - to give ourselves a break - to step back down in the pyramid and fulfill our needs there so we can move back up successfully into the next stage of the pyramid.

It can be difficult to reconcile with the thought of taking a step back in order to move forward, especially in this fast paced world of ours. But taking care of ourselves, and ensuring that our own needs are met will allow us to take better care of our children and families. Allowing ourselves - no - insisting for ourselves - a higher standard for our physical health and mental well-being will give us more enthusiasm and spirit to care for the physical and mental well being of our families.

Watching a parent take care of themselves and reach their full potential as a human is an extraordinary gift that our children will carry into their adulthood, and a behavior they will emulate when they are responsible for their own families.

So, as the old song goes, let’s “teach our children well” by first making the effort with ourselves.

Published in The Broomfield Enterprise, 12/2/07

Author's Bio

Intent.com is a premier wellness site and supportive social network where like-minded individuals can connect and support each others' intentions. Founded by Deepak Chopra's daughter Mallika Chopra, Intent.com aims to be the most trusted and comprehensive wellness destination featuring a supportive community of members, blogs from top wellness experts and curated online content relating to Personal, Social, Global and Spiritual wellness.
 
source site: click here

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in the wake of Hurricanes Katrina & Rita
 
the mental health needs of children must be considered!

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Pediatricians Urge That Children's Mental Health Needs Be Addressed In A Crisis

CHICAGO - The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) urges parents & other caregivers to pay special attention to children's mental health needs as the nation continues recovery & rebuilding efforts following Hurricane Katrina. The AAP has placed a listing of resources on its Web site at http://www.aap.org that address the physical & emotional needs of children.

Children who have been displaced by the flood face many losses such as the loss of home, familiar surroundings, a supportive school or daycare community, peers, prized possessions & potentially, loved ones.

Studies conducted after the events of September 11 showed that mental health needs among children were widespread & persistent - but often went unrecognized & in the majority of cases, untreated.

Because of children's developmental limitations, they're often unable to express their needs directly or clearly. They rely on adults to help them identify & express their concerns, to help them access supportive services, to model appropriate coping behaviors & to provide a supportive environment so they can begin to understand & adjust to the crisis.

The AAP urges parents & caregivers to remember that if children receive support, they may emerge from a crisis more capable & resilient. Without such support, though, children are more likely to have difficulty adjusting & risk long-term problems.

"Over the next several weeks & months, many children will need to begin the process of grieving the loss of loved ones that didn't survive the flood," says David Schonfeld, MD, FAAP, a behavioral & developmental pediatrician & AAP spokesperson.

"Identification of remains, funerals & memorial services will confront thousands of grieving families with painful decisions about how best to involve children - questions we shouldn't wait to answer. We must begin immediately to help these children understand & begin to adjust to these losses."

Dr. Schonfeld says it's hard for adults to acknowledge that young children can feel profound pain as they grieve the loss of a family member. But it's much harder for a child or adolescent to grieve in isolation & without adult support.

Pediatricians, in collaboration with psychologists & other mental health professionals, can aid parents & other caregivers in communicating with children in ways that help them understand & begin to adjust to the impact of the disaster.

According to AAP President Carol Berkowitz, MD, FAAP, "Pediatricians need to be able to identify when emotional distress is at the root of physical complaints. They should screen their patients for adjustment problems, perform timely & effective triage when mental health problems are identified, provide brief supportive interventions & make appropriate referrals for mental health support & counseling as indicated."

Dr. Berkowitz points out that even when it isn't a time of crisis, children in the US are most likely to receive treatment from primary care physicians for symptoms associated with mental disorders. In times of disaster, pediatricians become even more critical in providing such services.

For those families directly involved in the disaster, one of the major losses will be the absence of community & the informal support networks that they rely on to deal with day-to-day challenges. Those networks, including schools for children, become vitally important in times of crisis.

Children who weren't directly involved in the flood may still feel a large impact. And those children who are dealing with other stresses in their lives may be particularly sensitive as coverage in the media of the deaths of others is a reminder of personal loss.

Just like adults, many children will feel sad for the loss of others. Disasters are a reminder that terrible things can & do, occur, which may make children more concerned about their own safety, as well as those they care about. It's important for parents & others to reassure children about their safety & the safety of their families without making promises that are difficult to keep.

"We should tell people that even otherwise emotionally healthy individuals may experience significant emotional reactions in the aftermath of disaster," says Dr. Schonfeld. "These responses may benefit from counseling. It isn't whether or not counseling is 'needed', but instead whether or not it may be of benefit. Our obligation is to provide supportive services to children who may benefit."

The AAP has a listing resources on its Web site that address the physical & emotional needs of children. Visit http://www.aap.org

The American Academy of Pediatrics is an organization of 60,000 primary care pediatricians, pediatric medical subspecialists & pediatric surgical specialists dedicated to the health, safety & well-being of infants, children, adolescents & young adults.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The American Academy of Pediatrics is joined in its efforts to assist children by the Society for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics (SDBP), the Ambulatory Pediatric Association (APA), the National Association of Children's Hospitals & Related Institutions (NACHRI) & the Association of Medical School Pediatric Department Chairs (AMSPDC).

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The notion of human needs

Most theories try to simplify our personality so it's understandable; i.e., 3 parts or 9 character types or

"the environment determines the behavior."

Henry Murray & other theorists argued for much greater complexity. Murray wrote, "a personality is a full Congress of orators & pressure-groups...& a psychologist who doesn't know this in himself, whose mind is locked against the flux of images & feelings, should...make friends...with the various members of his household."

A need is a force that causes us to act, to try to satisfy our specific wants. Murray identified 20 or more needs, including:

  1. dominance: the state that exists when one person or group has power over another; "her apparent dominance of her husband was really her attempt to make him pay attention to her" - the power or right to give orders or make decisions; "he has the authority to issue warrants"; "deputies are given authorization to make arrests"

  2. deference: Submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgment of another - Courteous respect

  3. aggression: Hostile or destructive behavior or actions

  4. autonomy: the quality or state of being independent, free & self-directing - personal independence

  5. nurturance: The providing of loving care & attention.

  6. achievement: The act of accomplishing or finishing. - Something accomplished successfully especially by means of exertion, skill, practice or perseverance

  7. order: A condition in which freedom from disorder or disruption is maintained thru respect for established authority: finally restored order in the rebellious provinces.

  8. understanding: To perceive & comprehend the nature & significance of; grasp - To know thoroughly by close contact or long experience with: That teacher understands children.

  9. sex: The sexual urge or instinct as it manifests itself in behavior. - Sexual intercourse.

  10. self-abasement: Degradation or humiliation of oneself, especially because of feelings of guilt or inferiority.

  11. to avoid harm or blame from others

The strength of these needs are constantly changing but the strongest needs at any one time strongly influence our behavior. Therefore, it's important to be able to measure the relative strength of our needs, as done with the Edwards Personal Preference Schedule.

Also, if needs determine our behavior, then it is vital to self-understanding that we know how our needs developed. Just saying "I have a need" is hardly a complete explanation.

Fromm proposed these 5 needs:

(1) the need for human contact, especially love but including destructive interaction (domination, sadism, or submissive dependency) if love isn't possible

(2) The need for transcendence - to rise above & change things - can be positive or negative. If we love ourselves & others, we can act creatively. If we're powerless, we're likely to be destructive.

(3) The need for rootedness stems from our almost universal dependency on our mothers. This need is related to the need later in life to worship & slavishly follow male authority figures; Fromm believes peace, justice & equality will only come when we truly love & are well rooted in our identification with our fellow humans all over the world.

(4) The need for identity involves knowing ourselves & accepting who we really are.

(5) The need to believe in something & be devoted to those beliefs.

Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs was described in chapter 4 because unsatisfied basic needs take priority over higher needs. That may explain why certain changes in behavior are hard to make; i.e., pressing needs take priority over the desired new behavior.

However, if basic needs are satisfied, we're supposedly free to self-actualize. What exactly does this mean? What would we be doing if we were well adjusted & free of worry about physical-safety & love - self-esteem needs? Maslow studied successful, creative people to find out.

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do you know what your child's needs are?

Our Children's Needs 
by: Robert Elias Najemy

A human being is pretty much formed & programmed in his or her concepts about himself or herself & the surrounding world by the age of 8.

Most of the work, which is done today by psychologists & psychiatrists, is to solve the problems & fill the gaps left by the experiences of those earlier years.

Wouldn¹t it be better to pay more attention to how we bring up our children so that they can be stronger, more able, happier, more in harmony with themselves & their environment?

The future of the world depends on our children. The quality of our children & their ability to create a better world depends on us, but not in the way most may think. Let us consider here how we can help our children & ourselves to find harmony, health & happiness.

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growing into beautiful people...

Seeds Don't Learn To Grow

S
eeds grow into beautiful plants & huge almost immortal trees w/no education or training whatsoever. What they're to become & how they're to become that, are already printed in their consciousness & chromosomes.

The same is true for all the animals, plants & insects upon the earth. Is man the only exception? Are we so unintelligent that we can't understand what we must become & how we must become that? Are we so far behind the plants & animals in this matter? Or have we destroyed this contact with our inner consciousness, our inner voice that could guide us on our way?

Adults in their well meaning way, with an exaggerated concern for their children & an underestimation of the divine potential which lies within those small beings, inadvertently destroy that small inner voice, as they try to mold their children into what they believe their child should become.

This is also true of the educational system as a whole. Thus the question, concerning how we can help our children, becomes, more accurately, how can we help ourselves out of our mistaken concepts & anxiety about the future & lack of confidence in ourselves, our children & mankind so as not to become obstacles to the child¹s natural development?

Our emphasis shouldn't be so much on how we can teach but on how we can learn & grow maturer emotionally, mentally & spiritually. Then the "real parent", the divine within each child, will take over for us & for our children.

We can't help our children find the voice within them if we haven't found our own. We can't help our children to be healthy if we haven't created health for ourselves. We can't help them have self-confidence unless we ourselves have it.

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Their self-respect depends on our self-respect, their inner peace on ours & their self-mastery on our self-mastery. Learning thru example is much more effective for children than learning thru words. When the person who gives advice isn't an example of those words, then not only do those words have no power, but they create a feeling of resentment & rejection towards the hypocrisy which is so obvious.

All children are idealists. They expect there to be a consistency between thoughts, words & actions. When there isn't, they feel insecure, they don't know what to believe. Consistency gives a child a feeling of security & respect.

What are their Needs?

This list of children's needs will by no means be complete. These are some of the obvious needs that come to mind at this moment. When I asked a small group of children to think about the basic needs of children, one child shocked me with the most simple answers.

She said,

«The first need of children is PARENTS».

How simple, how obvious & yet today how fragile is that assurance that the child will have the same 2 parents from its birth until adulthood.

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children need a good relationship with parents....

«The second need of children»

 she said, «is to have a good relationship with your parents». This 11 year-old child was telling me what took so many psychologists so many years to understand & verify.

In working with adults with various emotional problems, most difficulties seem to originate from the lack of affirmation of love & acceptance during their childhood.

When this base of love & acceptance is missing, then we have lot of work to do in our adult life in order to regain that self-love & self-acceptance. When this base of love is there as a child, then we can proceed on to other needs & activities. When it isn't there, then whatever we'll do in our lives will have as a major motive, proving our ability & our self-worth.

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Our Children's Needs Part 2   -  Robert Elias Najemy

Security
Children need to feel secure. Few feel secure when there are conflicts occurring around them. Few can relax inwardly when others around them are shouting, accusing, criticizing & hating each other.

To a small child, tension between parents, or between parents & the child or other children, constitute a deep chasm of insecurity.

When the conflict is between the parents, it's often worse for the child. The child hasn't yet learned to feel separate itself from the parents. It feels identification with both parents. Thus when they're in conflict, it feels that the conflict is taking place between two parts of its own being. It might even begin hating itself as a result.

Children can't feel secure if the parents don't feel secure. If we're constantly worrying & have anxiety about money, health & the future, then our children will automatically be programmed to feel secure about these aspects of life.

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is your child feeling insecure?

This insecurity will remain with them & they'll waste large portions of time, energy & thought throughout their life, trying in vain to find «security» by controlling these external circumstances.

As adults, it's possible that this inner programming that we aren't secure may never be appeased. Thus the most effective way to offer a security base to our children isn't to be found in providing them with a large inheritance but rather to establish an inner feeling of security within ourselves.

If we believe in ourselves & in our ability to cope with all of life's situations, the child will feel the same. As we feel more secure, we will have less moments of conflict with others & our home will be in general more peaceful & more supportive for the child. 

Unconditional Love 

We all know that a child needs love & want to be able to love our children unconditionally; but it isn't so easy. We're human beings with needs, feelings, expectations, attachments, fears & conditionings which prevent us from being able to accept our children independently of their behavior.

Having children is an excellent opportunity in life to develop unconditional love. We're more inclined to forgive, overlook & to continue loving when we feel that this is our child.

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What do we mean by unconditional love? We mean that our feelings of love & acceptence for our children don't change or fluctuate depending on what they do or say, or what they decide to do with their lives. It isn't necessary to love & accept our children's behavior. We must make a distinction between our children's being, soul or consciousness & their behavior.

We can reject a certain behavior & explain so to them, without rejecting their being or self. "I love you but I'm disturbed by this particular behavior."

Our children need to know that we accept & love them regardless of what they may do, but also that certain forms of behavior aren't acceptable to us. We should, however, investigate for ourselves why this behavior isn't acceptable. Is it because it'll be potentially harmful to the child, to someone else or to ourselves?

Or is it simply because we're programmed that it shouldn't be done? Or does the behavior conflict with our expectations based on our personal needs & dreams for the child? Or are we afraid of what the others will think about our child & subsequently about us?

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We must be very clear about why we're rejecting a certain behavior. Our rejection can come out of a place of real love & concern for the child, if, in fact, we aren't simply protecting our own interests. As long as a certain behavior does no real harm to anyone, it's best to allow the child to pursue it.

Something within them, some need is guiding them to explore that kind of activity. They have something to learn thru doing that. This doesn't mean that there aren't moments where control or even natural or logical consequences may be necessary. But we need to be sure that the reasons are valid & have to do with real issues of safety or morality & not because we're disappointed with the their grades or selection of hobbies, interests or friends.

In order to love our children unconditionally, we'll need to start loving ourselves unconditionally. We'll have to let go of all the prerequisites we have put on our own self-love. We'll need to love ourselves even though we aren't perfect, even though we make mistakes, even when others don't love & accept us.

The more we free our self-love from the various prerequisites, the more our love for our children & others will become unconditional.

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Our Children's Needs - Part 3  

Robert Elias Najemy

Affirmation

Everyone likes a pat on the back, recognition, strokes, praise or affirmation of his or her ability, goodness & worthiness. Our children haven't yet formed images of themselves & need these positive inputs even more than adults.
 
Children aren't sure if they're able or not. They're small in such a large world. They're learning & thus making many mistakes as they try to learn how to do things correctly.

In our attempt to help our children we often tend to point out their mistakes more frequently than their successes. The mistakes are what are more obvious & thus we feel the need to point them out. The successes are taken for granted.
 
We over-emphasize what our children do wrong. This undermines their sense of ability & they start to doubt whether they can really succeed. Thus they become preoccupied, worrying about whether they'll be able to do it & whether they'll be criticized.

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Thus little energy is left for focusing on what they're actually doing so that they can do it correctly & succeed. Then, if our children's performance suffers, we become even more critical. This creates a vicious circle in which our children's sense of ability, success & worthiness is completely undermined.

Later in life we seek incessantly to prove that we're okay, a success, by attempting to gain money, fame & respect from others. But it's a losing battle because inside us we're programmed to believe that we're not okay, not able. Although we may become very successful, we'll likely be unable to satiate our need to prove our ability over & over.
 
On the other hand, we may simply perpetuate the belief that we're failures & create continual failure in life, by undermining our success in relationships & at work & perhaps our sense of self-worth thru alcohol, drugs, tranquilizers or other means.

If we want our children to succeed, to accept themselves, to be happy & to have the self-confidence which is required to proceed in life, then we must give them plenty of positive affirmation of their ability & goodness.

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A Simple Technique

A
simple technique will help. Every day sit quietly for a few moments & relax your body & mind so that you can concentrate. (Breathing deeply a number of times will help). When you feel relaxed & concentrated, then bring your child to your mind.
 
Visualize the child healthy, happy & full of self-confidence. Now bring to mind 5 positive qualities or characteristics that you recognize in that child. Imagine these positive qualities increasing every day.
 
Then again see your child in the screen of your mind, full of light, health & happiness. Imagine yourself & the child in loving embrace, or dancing or singing or in any type of harmonious, happy communication. This will take from about 5 to 10 minutes.

When the opportunity occurs naturally, we can then inform the child of these qualities or abilities, which we recognize in him or her.

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We need to let our children know that we love them, respect them & believe in their ability to make decisions, to be responsible & to cope with life. But we also need to clarify that your love is independent from the positive characteristics or abilities, which we respect in them. They shouldn't be left to feel that we love them more because they do well in school, or sports or are pretty or handsome or capable.
 
Our love & respect shouldn't be associated with specific qualities. Otherwise they'll get the message that they must always be this way or else the others will not love & respect them. This will create anxiety.

Affirming our children will help them develop the strengths & abilities they need to be successful & happy in life. It'll also do wonders for our relationships w/them. It's much more effective than criticizing & blaming them for their mistakes. Mistakes should be pointed out for the sake of learning from them, but not for the purpose of rejecting the other or making them feel badly.

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Also, we need to gain our own self-confidence. Otherwise we might be intimidated by our children's abilities & subconsciously want to undermine their success or intelligence. This sometimes occurs between fathers & sons, or mothers & daughters, when the children are entering adolescence.
 
It's sometimes difficult for us to accept that our children have their own ideas & almost impossible for our ego to accept that these ideas may be better or more advanced than ours. We as parents may subconsciously be motivated to play power games with our children, rejecting them because of our insecurities.
 
As our children enter adolescence, we must gradually learn to let go of our previous roles & become more of a friend or counselor (who gives advice when asked). Otherwise a conflict may arise between our children who need to assert & affirm their personality & us the parents, who doesn't want to let go of our roles of directors of their lives.

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Our Children's Needs - Part 4   Robert Elias Najemy

Do Not Worry
 
Worry is a direct message to our children that we don't feel secure, that we don't feel able to face the tests & difficulties of life. It's a direct message that we believe (& therefore it's true) that life is dangerous, that human beings (& therefore our children) are weak & helpless & very vulnerable to these dangers of life.

When we worry about the child, we're saying, between the lines, «I don't have faith in you, in your ability to overcome the illness or this problem. I don't have faith in your discrimination, in your inner strength, in your ability to surpass this difficulty». All this undermines our childrens' inner strength & faith in life itself.

It's also an indirect but clear message that we don't believe (& therefore it isn't true) in the existence of a divine power, a divine wisdom & justice, a God, which is in some way connected with every being on the earth & is sustaining & guiding each being.

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Our children then mature into adults who'll believe that the world is chaos, that harm can come to us thru accident & that we're helpless to do anything about it. They'll feel weak, helpless, vulnerable victims living in a dangerous world. Their basic reaction will be that which they learned from their parents - worry, anxiety & fear.

If we really want to help our children, we'll develop our inner strength & ability to face life. We'll develop greater faith in the spiritual truths confirmed by all religions & spiritual philosophies. We'll increase our faith in divine wisdom & justice, which is bringing to us exactly the experiences we need in order to mature emotionally, mentally & spiritually.
 
We also need to understand that our children are being guided by that same spiritual force & are also passing thru exactly the experiences they must pass thru, in order to blossom into the great spiritual beings that they really are.

A diamond starts out as a piece of coal & only thru great pressure does it become a diamond. And when it's found it must be cut & rubbed so that its beauty may shine thru. Gold is found in ore with other impurities. Only when it is melted & banged into shape does it take on a beautiful form.

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The same is true with the human personality. By facing difficulties, which test its inner strength & diminish its egoism, it grows more beautiful on all levels. The greatest gift that we can give to our children is faith. Faith in themselves & their abilities. Faith in ourselves. Faith in God. Faith in life. Faith in the immortality & indestructibility of the soul.
 
And for those who accept the concept of reincarnation, faith in the fact that our children have lived thousands of lives & have grown into adulthood & died many times. They have millions of experiences stored in their soul memory. They have an inner voice that will guide them.

Proper Nutrition

A child's nutrition plays an important part in his physical & mental harmony. Many forms of hyperactive & negative behavior have been linked with the excessive consumption of "junk food" which contain a high percentage of sugar & white flour.
 
These two white substances are known to weaken & undermine the functioning of the nervous system in children & adults. They lead to a depletion of B vitamins & important minerals, thus disturbing the functioning of both the nervous & endocrine systems.

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In a research study on children in a reform school, it was found that their negative behavior dropped by 50% when they were given vitamin B supplements. In another study on people with fear of crowds (agoraphobia), 84% found relief from their fear thru taking vitamin B-6.

Children need a variety of foods, which give them the necessary nutrients for the proper functioning of their body & mind. The basis of their diet should be cooked whole grains such as brown rice, whole wheat, cracked wheat, oats, lentils, beans & chickpeas, etc. These whole grains should be combined with an equal portion of fresh raw vegetable, either whole or in salad form, such as carrots, beets (shredded), lettuce, spinach, celery, parsley, cabbage, etc.
 
Some cooked vegetables may also be added, but they shouldn't be overcooked so that the vitamins are destroyed or the minerals removed in the boiling process. Oil shouldn't be used in cooking. It may be added to the food in the raw form at the table.

Fresh homegrown sprouts are an abundant source of vitamins, minerals & vital energy. Many children like the responsibility of caring for sprouts & watching them grow.

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This basic diet of grains & vegetables can be supplemented with milk, yogurt, cheese, nuts of all kinds, dried fruits, fresh fruits, eggs & if necessary, small portions of meat, poultry & fish. Many parents around the world today are bringing their children up as vegetarians.
 
It has become a well-accepted fact that vegetarians in general are much healthier than meat eaters are.

It's important that white sugar products, chocolates & other "junk food" products be avoided as much as possible. They'll make our children more nervous & less able to concentrate & learn. The child's need for sweets & natural sugar can be satisfied with fresh dried fruits such as dried raisins, apricots, peaches, pears & apples. We can also learn to make sweets at home w/pure products such as whole-wheat flour & pure honey.

Needless to say, we should follow the same dietary guidelines.

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Our Children's Needs - Part 5    Robert Elias Najemy

Stimulus To Grow

Children want to learn. They need to learn. Their survival & growth depend on it. All children are full of curiosity & would remain that way all their lives if that natural desire to learn wasn't turned off & in many cases, completely destroyed by our present educational system & general social attitudes towards children.

What are some of these factors which discourage the natural inclination of the child toward learning?

1. The mechanical approach of the present educational system doesn't allow children to investigate their natural interests. They're required to be interested in a specific subject at a specific age & even at a specific hour of the day.

And even if they should become interested in spite of this unnatural process, the moment they start investigating that subject, they're told that they must now leave that, because it's now time to study another subject.

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Thus our children become disconnected from their inner motivation towards learning. They learn to accept whatever is given to them thru the school system, which occupies so much of their time, that they have virtually no time or energy for personal study of some subject that may really interest them. Learning loses its interest & begins to have no meaning. It's no longer pleasurable.

2. The fact that the material they're forced to study is irrelevant to their daily life is another factor, which dampens their interest in learning. They function on the impulse of needs. If what they're learning has no relation to their needs, then they lose interest in it quickly.

Children are forced to memorize many useless facts in the present system. This can hardly be considered the preparation of a human being to be a thinking, creative member of society. It's more like the preparation of a number of programmed robots, w/out the ability to analyze & think clearly.

3. The fear of failure or of making a mistake causes our children to feel anxiety w/respect to the process of learning. Too much emphasis is given to grades & who is better or best, rather than to how much effort they have made, or to what they've learned.

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The emphasis is on results, in terms of grades & not on the ability to think. When they don't do well for some reason, they're made to feel bad, rejected & inferior. This negative experience turns them off to the process of learning.

Often their only solution is to decide to give up the effort altogether & take on the role of "the failure" & not try at all. In such situations they develop a complex, or blockage, towards a certain subject or towards learning in general.

They say to themselves, «I can't do that. I'm not able». Thus for the rest of their lives this belief prevents them from enjoying growth, evolution & learning.

A human being who doesn't continue learning throughout his or her life is living "death" & not "life". Life by definition means growth & evolution. Death is the absence of growth.

4. Emotional problems w/the family or friends, or between other family members (i.e. the child's parents) may disturb our children's sense of security & inner harmony. Thus their interest in learning & ability to concentrate are obstructed.

In such cases they need the parent to be a friend who can hear their feelings & problems w/out judging or even advising unless they ask for advice. These emotional problems must be worked out if our children's energy is to be released & directed toward learning again.
5. A disappointment in social values & hypocrisy may cause our children to reject the society in which they live & thus all the aspects of that system, including the educational system. When they see that there is hypocrisy, selfishness, lying & cheating going on at every level of society, even among policemen, lawyers, judges, politicians & businessmen, why should they study what such a system wants them to learn in order to become a part of that system?

Who would want to be a part of that system? Children haven't yet learned to compromise their ideals for the sake of personal security or success.

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Our Children's Needs - Part 6      Robert Elias Najemy

What Can Parents Do?

What can parents do about this situation? How can we provide a home environment that will stimulate the process of holistic learning for our children?

We can start by spending more time w/our children, learning w/them. Not teaching them. Not solving problems for them. Not answering their questions. But sitting down & learning w/them. This might mean that we set an example by using our free time for learning whatever is interesting for us.

We'd best allow our children to develop their own problem solving abilities & to help them only when they're stuck. Even then we shouldn't solve the problem, but rather ask them questions that'll direct their mind in an analytical way so that they themselves discover the answer.

This is the "questioning" method used by the philosopher Socrates is very effective in bringing forth the truth, which is hidden within.

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Questions are our best tool for helping. If that doesn't work, then the we can imagine that we know nothing (which in some cases, in this ever changing system of information, may be true) & we can begin together w/the child, to search where we might find answers.

This research may take us to our children's schoolbooks, or to encyclopaedias, magazines, newspapers, the worldwide web - Internet or to persons or friends knowledgeable in a particular subject. In this way our children begin to perceive that the world around them is a «giant book» from which they can always learn & find out what they want to know. In this way learning is connected to life & life to learning.

Some parents feel that they're unqualified to help their children with their schoolwork. If we ourselves feel incapable, how do we expect our children to learn them. We need to overcome our fears & set the example by learning & growing.

We often deprive ourselves & our children of quality time together so that we can make more money so as to pay for special classes & schools. We make money but have less time to spend with our children. We become tense & tired & have less patience & energy for our children.

Our children see us less & when they do, they're asked about their grades & whether they've studied. They're seldom asked about their emotional life, hobbies, fears & problems. The standard question is, "Have you studied?" I might be healthier on all levels if we worked less, saved the money spent on teachers & special schools & spent the time w/the child, learning together?

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Consistency

Children, just like adults, expect consistency from the people around them. Consistency means that there's an agreement between what we think, what we say & what we do.

When we tell them not to smoke & smokes ourselves, this isn't consistent. When we tell them not to tell lies & then tell obvious lies to others in front of them, how can they respect us? When we have two sets of standards, one for ourselves & one for our children, they feel lessened, disregarded, unloved, disrespected.

When a mother forbids a child to wear make-up & spends time making up her own face, how can the child understand the obvious double message being given? When we give one message w/our words & another w/our lifestyle, our children become seriously confused.

They're being given a conflicting set of messages, a conflicting set of values & don't know which is true. This leads to inner conflict & insecurity. It may also lead to bitterness & resentment against the parents, teachers & society. Why should they respect & emulate a society of weak human beings who don't even have the strength to live up to their own values & are unable themselves to employ their own advice.

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Thus the age-old «teach by example, rather than words», seems to be the best policy.

Another aspect of consistency has to do w/promises. It's very important to keep our word to our children. When we promise we're going to do something, or that they're going to be able to do something, it's extremely important that these words become reality.

When we go back on our promises, they lose trust, not only in us, but also in mankind in general. They learn that a person's words doesn't bind them to action & that they can't trust anyone.

They also learn that they, too, don't have to keep their word. This makes them feel like isolated beings in a society of people they can't trust.

When we promise that we'll take them somewhere or do something w/them or for them, we must make every possible effort to fulfil that promise. This means that we must also be more careful about what we promise. If we're not sure that we can execute a request, then it's better to say, "I'm not sure, I'll try, but I don't promise definitely that I'll be able to". If we want our children to take their words & promises seriously, then we must teach them to do so w/our example.

This also applies to promises for punishment or logical consequences in the case of certain kinds of behavior or contracts which have been made w/our children. When we have made an agreement that they'll not go out to play until some specific duty or studies are completed & then let them go out even though the agreement hasn't been fulfilled, we're again giving them the message that our words don't mean anything.

When we've agreed w/our children about a certain plan of cooperation & behavior in the home (thru discussion & participation) & they do fulfill it, then it's imperative that the consequences be enforced, however unpleasant they may be for us & the children. It's best if the child agrees the consequences on before hand, so that there is less feeling of hurt or injustice.

We teach them that they can be irresponsible & get away with it. They then apply the same tactics as adults at home, at work & in society.

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Our Children's Needs - Part 7   Robert Elias Najemy

Open Communication

Communication is the process, which opens up a channel of love, understanding & union between people. When it's lacking, no amount of money, education or material goods can bridge the gap that's created.

Few of us have enough time, inner peace & energy to communicate deeply w/our children. We need to spend more time talking w/children rather than look down to them. Children, like adults, want to feel connected to others.

They want to feel connected to their parents & teachers & others who are models in their lives. They want to be able to express how they feel, what they're thinking about, their fears, their joys, their questions about life, their ideas & creative inventions & discoveries.

They want to know that someone cares, that someone recognizes them, that someone is interested in hearing about them, appreciates them & respects them.

They, too, want to know what their parents & others are feeling & thinking. This friendship is one of our children's most important needs.

Children want to know why. Why the world is like it is? Why they're expected to do certain tasks? Why thy must not engage in certain activities? Why parents feel & act in the way that they do? When we say to our children, "No, you may not do that because I said so", we are insulting their intelligence.

We're saying that they're stupid, unable & unworthy of any explanation on that matter. "Just do what I tell you. You don't need to know why I don't want you to do that."

We usually resort to such demeaning behavior when we aren't sure of themselves, or haven't clearly examined our motives & feelings, or simply have the need to play power games to boost our own sense of self-affirmation.

It's absolutely essential to explain the factors & thoughts which bring us to our decisions. Then they'll understand what's going on in us & simultaneously feel that at least they're respected enough to deserve an explanation, even if they don't agree w/it.

When we don't discuss w/them, they turn inward & conclude that trying to communicate with us is futile. They begin to lie & hide the truth about their life style. In such a case, the bridge of communication is destroyed & consequently the only tool for resolving family problems is lost.

The same happens when we continually reject whatever they say or do. They stop communicating.

In order for us to be able to express our inner thoughts & feelings to their children, we'll have to know them. That means we'll have to do a certain amount of self-analysis so as to discover our beliefs & programmings. We may, in the process, find that many of our conflicts w/our children are based on our own problems, which we are projecting onto them. Some examples might be:

1. Our own need for approval from society thru our children's success or behavior.

2. Our own need for a position of power over the child.

3. Our own fears & insecurities.

4. Our lack of self-confidence which causes us to lack faith in the child.

5. Our fear of the opinion of others.

6. Our anxieties about other problems in our lives, i.e., work, money worries & problems w/our own parents.

7. Our own tired or disturbed nervous system.

These & many other personal problems may cause us to communicate abruptly, inconsiderately & disrespectfully to our children, thus undermining theirs self-image, self-acceptance, self-love & self-confidence.

We'd do well to learn the basic communication skills of "I messages" & "active listening" which are described in other chapters of this book. In general, more effective communication creates an atmosphere of justice & mutual respect, caring & love.

We all need this.

Techniques for Facing Life

Life is a game. Playing that game is an art & a science. There are techniques for facing life more effectively. Like everything else we teach in schools, we can teach about how to deal w/life itself, w/its disappointments, its failures, its injustices; w/illness, w/pain, w/the loss of loved ones, w/the ever changing events & tests of life.

Life is a school & we can learn much from it, if we know how. Children can be taught how to learn rather than how to memorize often-useless facts. They can learn techniques for creating & maintaining a strong, healthy body, a relaxed nervous system & harmonious endocrine system.

They can be taught how to strengthen their immune system. They can be taught how to calm their minds, how to expand the ability to concentrate, remember & analyze. They can be taught how to get in touch w/their inner creative potential, so important in science, fine arts & business.

How to create loving relationships. How to become useful members of a society.

Are these subjects not more important than all most meaningless facts which children are wasting their minds on memorizing? Do we want to produce sleeping robots or alive, awake, thinking, creative, healthy, happy, useful members of society? We'd better make the decision & adjust our curriculum accordingly.

Beyond very practical techniques for harmonizing the body, emotions & mind, schools & parents should make sure that children have the opportunity to be informed about & discuss, important subjects like relationships, selecting a marriage partner, sex, narcotics, effective communication, love, the nature of man, the purpose of life, what is death, what happens after death, professional guidance, the relationship between the individual & society.

Most individuals in our present society seem to lack preparation or serious thought concerning these subjects which are essential for anyone who wants to have peace of mind or live a meaningful life.

Until such subjects are covered in schools, it's important that parents give their children an opportunity to be informed about & discuss these subjects. If the parents don't feel comfortable about, or informed enough themselves, then they can become so. This will improve greatly the quality of their own lives & they'll have so much more to offer to their children.

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Our Children's Needs - Part 8  Robert Elias Najemy

Some Last Thoughts

We can remember how we felt when we were children. We can spend time remembering our various experiences feelings & needs which we had when we were children. But even that isn't enough. The conditions & environment of our childhood years were very different than those, which our children experience today.

Thus we must imagine that we are our children & try to understand how they feel. Then our words & actions will be in harmony w/their needs.

We need to believe in our children & ourselves. If we don't believe in ourselves, we can't believe in our children. Let's have faith that both we & they're capable of facing life w/our inner guidance, clarity & effectiveness.

Let's believe in our spiritual oneness & the power of unconditional love is the solution for every problem. Let's be consistent & respect ourselves & our children.

Let us continue our own education, our own growth, our own self-improvement, our own spiritual evolution. Let's be true to who we are & overcome our egos, our fears & attachments. Let us spend time w/our children & share w/them the beauty of our inner selves.

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Let's grow together in humility & simplicity w/our children, discovering together the meaning & beauty of life.

Let's close w/some words from Maria Montessori:

"Without any doubt we have in the past been the unconscious oppressors of this new human seed which bursts forth pure & charged w/energy. And we have superimposed ourselves upon it w/out admitting the needs of its spiritual expansion.

So the child has remained almost completely hidden - or very much overshadowed - by this unconscious egotism of the adult. It would be an affirmation not too well received, I imagine, were I to say that very often the adult becomes an obstacle, rather than a help to the development of the child.

It's a most difficult thing for us to accept that statement that, very often, it's our excessive care for the child which prevents the exercise of his own activities & therefore the expansion of his own personalities."

"Thus it comes to pass that when we, w/the very best intentions & w/the most sincere wish to help, do everything for the child - when we wash him, lift him up & plunk him down on his chair, feed him & put him into that species of cage we call his crib - in giving him all these unnecessary aids we don't really help but hinder him.

"And later on, towards the boy or girl, we repeat the same error, when - still holding to the belief that he can't learn anything w/out our help - we stuff him w/intellectual nourishment, we nail him to the benches of the school so that he can't move, we make every effort to uproot his moral defects, we crush or break his will, secure in our belief that in this way we're acting for his highest good."

"And so we proceed in this manner indefinitely all along the line & we call this education. "

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Experts Say Nurture Children's Emotional Needs
 
The ABC's aren't enough. When it comes to early childhood development, science overwhelmingly says we need a new emphasis on emotions. They're just as important as rational subjects like math. That fact has been ignored for decades & experts are now calling for a national overhaul in our approach to early childhood education & day care.

In a new report from the Institute of Medicine, an expert panel recommends that, for children in the first 5 years of life, social & emotional skills need extra attention.

"This isn't about blaming parents, communities, the workplace, or government. This is about sharing responsibility," says panel chair Jack Shonkoff, MD, professor of human development at Brandeis Univ. in Waltham, Mass.

The 559 page report - entitled From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development - intends to shatter some myths about what happens in life's first years.

"The neurological window of opportunity doesn't slam shut at age 3 or 5," Shonkoff says.

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Among the report's findings:

Although children who are deprived of a close relationship with a loving adult suffer, that fact doesn't alter the reality of many 2 income families, where parents often have little quality time to spend with their families.

"The families of young children in this country are crying out for help. They're crying out for support," says Shonkoff.

Meanwhile, even though the Family & Medical Leave Act allows for 3 months of unpaid leave for personal or medical reasons, the report's authors say that some 40% of the workforce doesn't qualify for the benefit.

Other low-income parents simply can't afford to take time off, even on a short-term basis & child care providers are woefully underpaid, notes the report.

The panel says family leave policies should be expanded & parents of the very young should be excused from new work requirements linked to welfare reforms.

Poverty, say the researchers, is particularly damaging to the very young. So programs like Head Start need to be updated to cope with the epidemics of family violence & substance abuse.

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"The mental health needs of this country on the more serious end of the spectrum extend way down into infancy, & we have no mental health system for infants & toddlers in this country," says Shonkoff.

Noting a projected budget surplus of nearly $3 trillion, the IOM panel says the dollars are already available in the system to start making the necessary repairs. First on the list is a presidential task force to review our investment in child care & early education.

Ultimately, a 10-year plan based on science should focus on building better relationships between children & those who take care of them. The IOM document says families & communities should solve the problems with government help, not the other way around.

The IOM experts also say the nation's approach to taxes & wage supports should be amended so that no child grows up in an impoverished home.

"We didn't come up with a long list of specific recommendations about child care, but rather called for an urgent grappling with the fact that this is something we must address as a society," says Shonkoff.

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  Meeting The Social & Emotional Needs of Children

Janae B. Weinhold. Ph.D.

It's clear that the social & emotional needs of young children have become increasingly buried under the economic challenges, work commitments & lifestyle demands of adults.

Parents, grandparents, teachers & corporate policymakers really don't understand the impact of unmet emotional needs during the first 3 years of life & how they relate to aggressive, violent & anti-social behaviors in preschool & school age children.

While the knowledge base about children’s emotional needs for adult contact has grown tremendously in the last 10 to 15 years, very little of this information has penetrated the academic training of educators, physicians & mental health professionals. Parents & those who advise them are basically uninformed about how breaks in the bonding between children & their primary caregivers causes trauma.

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The effects of this early trauma only becomes visible as children get older & begin reenacting it thru violence, hyperactivity, defiance & other kinds of disturbing behavior problems.

The first 3 years of life are critical in a number of ways. The 2 most critical developmental tasks of bonding & emotional separation take place in this period, forming the matrix for all subsequent human relationships.

Disturbances in either of these 2 tasks appear later in life first as “misbehavior,” then as difficulties with intimacy &/or autonomy in adolescent & adult relationships that are characteristic of co-dependency & counter-dependency.

During the first 3 years, the brain also goes thru its most rapid development - a phenomenon that'll never be repeated. By age 3, children’s brains are “hardwired” according to the experiences they've had. If these experiences are mostly loving, safe & supportive, the brain is wired to expect positive things.

If these experiences are abusive, hurtful, dangerous & unsupportive, the brain gets wired to expect negative things.

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During the first 3 years of life, children do best with a minimum number of caregivers with whom they're emotionally connected. During this critical period, children form the foundation for building all subsequent relationships.

Building a child is like building a house. If the foundation is weak, not square or sitting on poor soil, it's likely that the house will have structural damage & become dangerous to inhabit.

Building a child is as much a science as building a house. The field of developmental psychology has expanded exponentially during the last 10 years, bringing a wealth of scientifically supported information about the needs of children during the first 3 years. It's time this information reach into all parts of our society.

Only when our social, economic, political, educational & health care systems grasp the significance of the emotional needs of infants & young children & the potential risks involved in not meeting them, will things begin to change.

This kind of systemic change requires a paradigm shift - a bigger perspective that requires changing the rules about how our society works & a reordering of values that places the emotional needs of children at the forefront.

With meeting children’s needs as a baseline for decision-making, there's the potential for stopping the flood of traumatized children who reenact their pain in violent, anti-social ways. There's also the promise of hope of a peaceful future that allows humans to cooperate w/each other & to fulfill their potential.

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Meeting Children's Needs
 

Children make many demands on their parents. The way parents respond to the children's demands teaches children about the kind of world they live in. Children learn to trust or mistrust, to feel safe or afraid, to feel loved or unloved based on the way people, especially their parents, respond to them.

When a baby cries because of a dirty diaper & Mom or Dad gently changes the diaper while talking to the baby, the child learns that the world is safe & caring. If a baby cries because of a dirty diaper & parents ignore or yell at the child, the child comes to feel that the world is frightening & unsafe.

A school-age child gets the feeling of safety when people listen to what she says & when they take an interest in what she does. Teenagers feel loved when parents discuss decisions with them & listen to their opinions.

When we as parents show caring & love in meeting our children's needs, we help our children grow up to be strong & caring people.

Can you list other demands that children make on us that may make us angry? What are effective ways to deal with them?

As parents we find it very challenging to adjust to the needs of children. But if we learn to expect some difficulties, care about our children's needs & plan ahead to meet those needs, we can make a very big difference in helping our children.

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Understanding & meeting children's needs sometimes seems impossible.

Understanding children's needs & taking care of those needs can be very difficult for parents. One reason is that as parents we're more aware of our own needs than of our children's.

For instance, we may get upset when a child gets sick (or has to go to the bathroom) just as we're going to work or to a meeting. It's natural to feel upset at the untimely demand. We may ask, "Why does this child always do this to me?"

But children don't plan their sicknesses to bother us. They are just trying to take care of their needs. And sometimes their needs come into conflict with our needs.

For example, think of a child with colic who seems to cry no matter what you do. A parent may feel angry & helpless. Getting angry at the child for having colic doesn't help. What can the parent do?

First, check with the doctor to find out if the child has a serious problem. If the doctor doesn't ad a medical problem, the parent can simply provide comforting activity such as rocking the child or carrying the child close in a pouch.

After trying everything else, the parent can let the baby cry himself to sleep when he's tired. The parent who gets awakened in the night should be sure to get a nap during the day to catch up on sleep. If you become very angry & fear that you'll hurt the child, you should call a friend, family member, or nurse. For most babies colic ends by 3 months of age.

Another reason that meeting children's needs is difficult is that children are dependent & untrained. Sometimes it's very inconvenient to have to feed, protect, carry, comfort & teach children. Sometimes children do silly things.

Sometimes they break things. If we learn to be patient & teach them rather than get angry, we will be more helpful.

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Sara wanted to look at a vase. But the vase was very breakable. Nancy could have told Sara to leave it alone until she was older. Instead, she asked Sara to sit on the couch & she'd bring her the vase.

Sara sat on the couch. Nancy brought her the vase. They talked about it together. When Sara was tired of looking at the vase, Nancy said, "Anytime you want to look at the vase, come & get me. We'll look at it together."

Nancy is a wise mother who knew that a small child might break a vase but that if she were sitting on the sofa with her mother she could probably enjoy the vase safely.

Another reason that meeting children's needs is difficult is that children are so different. They're different at different ages. They're different from each other. And they're different in different circumstances. And they may be different from what we expect.

We may wonder why Susie is so mean these days when she used to be such a nice child. We may wonder why Tommy is so messy when Marcus is so tidy. We may wonder why Sara is so happy at home but so bashful at school. Most of this publication will talk about these differences.

Children are different at different ages.

A new baby is very dependent. We must feed her, clothe her & protect her. But as a child becomes older she becomes more independent. You've probably heard of the "terrible 2's."

About the time a child turns 2 she starts to become more independent. She is more likely to want to do things for herself. This may bother us because she isn't very good at doing things. But it's very important to help her learn to do things by herself.

A wise parent of a child who is learning independence will give the child many opportunities to make decisions. "Would you like me to tuck you into bed or would you like to climb in by yourself?”

"Would you rather have me read you a bed-time story or sing you a song?" "Would you like your peanut butter on bread or on celery?" "Would you like to play with the pans or with clay?"

If a child starts an activity that isn't safe, it usually works better to distract the child than to yell at him or jerk something away from him.

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Karl was about to write in a library book. His dad held his hand & asked him, "Would you like to draw? We don't draw in books but I can get you some paper. Or would you like to knish looking at the book?" Dad found a kind way to give Karl a choice.

We should let a child do many things for herself. But we should give her tasks where she's likely to be successful. Maybe she can help set plastic cups on the table for dinner but shouldn't be trusted with glass plates. The wise parent will distract a child from a task where she's likely to have trouble & direct her to a task where she's likely to be successful.

When Jessie wanted to help her mother set the table, Mother was tempted to say,' "You're not old enough. You'll break everything." But instead she said, "Why don't I put on the plates while you place the napkins."

Then Mom showed her how to place the napkin next to the plate. They talked together while they set the table. When they were finished, Mom said, "Look how nice the table looks. Thank you for your help."

When we allow children to try things they want to do (while directing them toward jobs where they're likely to be safe & successful), they develop their skills“ & confidence. Often we expect children to do things that they're not yet able to do.

When Emily was 4 or 5, she asked me to help her draw a circle. Because Emily is smart I was sure she could do it on her own. I told her just to draw the shape of a cookie. She whimpered that she couldn't. It was just a few days later that I read that children usually can't draw a full circle until they're 5 or 6.

It's good to be patient with our children as they learn.

Children often face challenges that they don't know how to handle, We can help them by being patient & when they're ready, by teaching them skills.

Mary came home angry. She told her mother that the children at the bus stop picked on her. She also admitted that she got mad at them & called them names. Mother felt angry at the mean children. But she decided that the best way to help her daughter was to teach her how to deal with the children.

After Mary had talked about her bad experience, Mom said: "It's very painful when people are mean to us. I wonder if we can think of ways to make them into fiends." They talked about different ideas & decided to invite one of the children over to play with Mary on Saturday. Mary could develop a friendship & maybe walk to the bus stop with her new friend.

When parents reason with their children, they can help them think of good solutions. Parents can also teach their children skills to deal with difficult situations. (See also Extension Circular HE-682 in this series, "Being Understanding: A Key To Developing Healthy Children," for ideas on how to help children deal with their feelings.)

There are a few things that all children need. All children need to feel safe & protected. All children need encouragement.

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We expected our son to be toilet trained as young as his sister had been. But the more we pressured him the worse he did. We finally relaxed & allowed him to decide when he was ready. It wasn't long before he was ready & he learned very quickly.

Sometimes we think that our children know that we're proud of them. Often they don't. We should tell them often about the things they do that we enjoy. They need to know that we appreciate them & care about them.

Each child is different.

You've probably heard a parent brag that his child began to walk early. Some parents may believe that a child who begins to walk at 8 months is more talented & smarter than a child who begins to walk at 12 months.

The fact is that children are just different. The child who begins walking later may grow up to be a better athlete than the child who starts to walk at a younger age.

No 2 children are the same. It's unwise to rush children in their development or to try to get them to be like some other child. The helpful parent will help children develop as they're ready.

Someone once said that every child wears a banner. On that banner she tells you how much love she needs, how much discipline she needs, how much hugging she needs, how much attention she needs. Unfortunately, children don't have a banner that's easily read. We have to "read" their behavior.

Judy has always wanted more of our attention than her sister Martha. We assumed that she'd outgrow it. She hasn't. We finally realized that she's just different from her sister. Martha is very independent. Judy likes attention from her parents. So we allow Martha her independence. And we take extra time with Judy.

No 2 children are the same. We should treat each as an individual, observe & respect her differences & help her grow. With a child who is very sensitive we may need to give messages in a gentle way. A child who is easily distracted may need us to give undivided attention when we talk to him. If we notice each child's individual differences, we can be more helpful.

Children are different at different times.

When our child acts cross, we may not realize that she has had a bad day. Maybe a friend was mean to her. Maybe she felt like a failure at school. If we get mad about her bad mood, we may make it worse.

What can we do? We can take time to understand what our child is feeling. We can also look for a sensible solution, as in the story about Emily.

Emily normally has a pleasant, cheerful disposition. But many days at dinner time she becomes cross & cranky. We finally realized that by dinner time little Emily was tired & hungry. We have learned to get her a snack in the afternoon & at dinnertime, not to fuss with her. We get her started on dinner right away so that her blood sugar will pick up.

Get more information when you need it.

There will probably be times when your child does things that you don't understand. At such times it may be a good idea to talk to a friend who is an experienced (& caring) parent, a doctor, or a counselor. It's also a good idea for every parent to take a class or read a good book on child development. Your community college may offer a class.

Dr. Spock's Baby And Child Care is a good book to help you learn how to deal with children's physical needs. Additional books on parenting are listed below. Also the other publications in this series can give you many ideas about how to show understanding with your children. See especially the one mentioned earlier, HE-682, "Being Understanding: A Key To Developing Healthy Children."

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There are a few things to remember about meetings children’s needs:

  • All children need certain things: safety, encouragement & love.

  • Each child is different from any other. We should pay attention to his or her behavior so that we know how much attention, discipline & guidance each child needs.

  • We should be careful not to expect our children to be able to do things that they're not old enough to be able to do.

  • As we deal with our children we should make allowances for the challenges they face.

  • Responding promptly & helpfully to children helps them develop into healthy adults.

  • Being patient with our children shows them that we care.

  • Our children need us to teach them how to handle difficult situations.

If you want to learn more...

Faber, Adele & Mazlish, Elaine (1980). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon.

Ginott, Haim (1956). Between Parent And Child. New York: Avon.

Ginott, Haim (1969). Between Parent And Teen. New York: Avon.

Parenting (magazine). Subscription Dept, Box 52424, Boulder, CO 80321-2424

Spock, Benjamin (1985). Dr. Spock's Baby And Child Care. New York: E. P. Dutton.

This publication was written by H. Wallace Goddard, Extension Family and Child Development Specialist, Department of Family and Child Development, Auburn University.

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Meeting Basic Needs

Introduction

Theory & culture help you to develop an understanding of the nature of your problem. When you have developed a good understanding of the nature of your problem, you're in a position to begin figuring out how you will solve them.

Some of the time (but definitely not all of the time!), the best way to solve your problem will be to choose one or more methods for helping yourself & then putting those methods into action.

In the following sections, we review a wide variety of self-help methods people have come up with for solving various kinds of human problems. We've organized them into groups based on the types of problems they can help solve.

Specific techniques are available to help you alter:

  • your behavior
  • your thinking patterns
  • your mood
  • your attitudes
  • your knowledge
  • your skills & abilities
  • the quality of your relationships
  • your general perspective on your past, present & future
  • even your very identity or sense of self

Some of these methods were invented as applications of particular psychological theoretical frameworks (as described above), while others appear to have been created from a more "common sense" sort of place.

Ultimately, it's not important where they have come from. What is important is that all of the methods listed here have been effective for some people trying to help themselves handle problems. Some of them will hopefully be helpful & useful for you.

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The methods we'll be covering have in common that they're both limited & flexible in nature. They're limited in that they're designed to address one sort of problem & aren't particularly useful for solving other kinds of problems.

They're flexible in that they can be used to address a wide variety of similar types of problems. For example, one method we'll cover is useful for helping you to know how to manage your time better. This method can be applied to a wide variety of time management problems you might want to work on, but it isn't terribly useful as a method for improving your mood.

Each method is like a tool. You'll want to have a lot of different tools in your toolbox, so that you can have easy access to the specific ones you'll need to help yourself.

Think of each method we'll review as you would a different tool within a toolbox. A toolbox might contain a hammer, pliers, a few screwdrivers & a saw. Each tool is good for only one sort of thing (a hammer for hammering, a saw for sawing, etc.), but the hammer can be used to nail down a variety of nails & objects & the saw can similarly make a variety of types of cuts.

Each tool has its own purpose & sphere, within which it can be flexibly used to meet the needs of a given situation. No one tool is adequate for solving most complex construction projects. It takes all of them (or at least a several of them), used in a coordinated fashion, to get something complicated repaired.

Having access to a well stocked toolbox is an important part of being able to fix a problem. However, tools don't fix problems by themselves; people use tools to fix problems. You have to come to the toolbox with some knowledge about how to fix your problem before you know which tools to select to do the job.

You gain this knowledge in part by reviewing what you know about your problem; by reviewing what your cultural teaches about your problem & what scientifically & clinically supported theories teach about the problem.

This sort of theoretical knowledge isn't enough, however. You also need access to practical knowledge about how to solve your problem. When you don't already know what to do & don't have access to an experienced helper who can show you the way, having access to a "cookbook" filled with recipes for solving the type of problem you're experiencing is the next best thing.

With this in mind, after describing the various tools in the self-help toolbox, we'll shift gears & discuss how particular combinations of these tools can be used to solve various common & complex life problems.

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Methods for Meeting Basic Needs

A brief review of Maslow's hierarchy of needs sets the tone for this "basic needs" methods section. According to Maslow (& most other mental health professionals since), peoples' needs are arranged in a hierarchical relationship to one another.

It's impossible to live without the basic physiological necessities of food & water, clothing & shelter. The next level of need involves safety (as in having a safe place to live). It's difficult to think clearly when you're unsafe or living in a continual state of fear (as do many abuse victims & people caught in war zones).

Above this in the hierarchy of needs, Maslow placed the need for love, for belonging (to a family or community) & for esteem (as in 'self-esteem'; feeling good about yourself).

Finally, at the very top of the heap, Maslow placed something he called "self-actualization", which is each person's need to become the very best person they can possibly become.

Higher level human needs (such as belonging to a family or social group, or for expressing yourself) are simply not important to most people when their more basic needs (for food & water, clothing & shelter, for safety) aren't yet met.

Any self-help plan that you create needs to take this hierarchy into account or it will be very likely to fail (or become irrelevant). Only after your basic needs have been attended to will you have extra attention to give to your problems.

Maslow & most psychologists who’ve followed since, fundamentally agree that it’s close to impossible to address higher level needs when lower level needs aren't met.

You don't worry about feeling good about yourself when you're hungry, i.e.. You don't worry too much about belonging to a community of like-minded people when you're cold & need shelter to keep from freezing to death.

This is why human service professionals don’t offer homeless people therapy right away, but instead focus on helping them get adequate housing, food & clothing. You have to consider which of your needs is most pressing & make sure you address that need first, if you're to be successful with & benefit from your self-help efforts.

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Methods for Meeting Basic Needs: Shelter, Food & Medical Care

Find Shelter, Food & Medical Care. If you're homeless or otherwise without steady access to adequate food or shelter, the very first thing you need to do is to find adequate shelter & food.

Most cities of any size provide temporary shelter & food kitchen assistance to the needy. You can look these resources up in the telephone book, but it's frequently easier to learn this information by asking a social service professional for referrals.

Social service professionals are employed by some community hospitals & clinics servicing the homeless. Such hospitals & clinics will typically offer pubic health care services (or know where such services can be had).

They're a good destination for homeless people who are mentally ill &/or addicted to drugs or alcohol or just have no other place to turn. In some cases, social workers can arrange for ongoing medical care or addiction treatment & even put people on waiting lists for housing options that are safer & more permanent than what's available in shelters.

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Even if you wish to work on 'higher level' needs (such as feelings of loneliness, or dissatisfaction with how your life has turned out), you must first take care to make sure your basic needs are taken care of before doing so.

People are, to a great degree, creatures of habit. They often resist change, whether or not it's good for them. Purposeful personal change efforts of the type necessary to alter your higher level needs will demand your close attention, a lot of your energy & some level of discomfort. You won't be able to sustain this level of energy & attention for long if your fundamental needs aren't well met.


Keep in mind that there are levels of getting your basic needs met. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, you'll find yourself having more energy & attention for higher level change efforts, if you spend time focusing on meeting your lower level needs.

We review methods for optimizing your lower level needs (diet, sleep, exercise & socialization) in the following sections. There are so many suggestions here that you may end up reviewing this material & feeling overwhelmed.

If this is the case, don't feel compelled to take them all seriously. They are suggestions, only. If your basic needs are reasonably met & you want to work on other problems for now, you should do so & not worry too much about this stuff.

If, however, you have some time & attention & want to make sure you're doing as well as you can, then consider the following methods for improving how you meet your basic needs.

Methods for Meeting Basic Needs: Nutrition

You may not be going hungry at night, but are you eating a healthy, well balanced diet? Many adults eat a diet that is convenient rather than healthy; one they purchase in prepared form from various take out places, restaurants & supermarkets.

This diet is typically high in saturated fats (like cheese, butter, mayonnaise & beef), high in refined white flour & sugar products (white bread, candy, ice cream, cake, cookies) & biased towards hefty portions of meat. The portions of these foods consumed at each mean are also large.

There are serious health risks associated with this typical American diet. People who eat like this are setting themselves (& their children) up for dramatically increased risk of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & various cancers.

It's relatively easy to eat a healthier diet & avoid much of this risk. To do so:

  • Eat smaller portions. If you eat out at restaurants, ask for a takeout box & put half your meal into it before you begin eating.

  • Eat whole grain breads & cereals rather than ones made from white flour. White flour is highly refined & highly refined products are generally not good for you.

  • Eat fruit for snacks & dessert rather than candy, cake or cookies. Fruit is unrefined; while candy, cake & cookies are all made with refined white flour & sugar which is bad for your health. Similarly, drink water, iced tea or diet soft drinks instead of sugared soft drinks to avoid consuming extra refined sugar you don't need.

  • Buy & eat more fresh vegetables. You should be eating 5 or more servings a day of fresh fruits & vegetables. Brightly colored vegetables like spinach & carrots are both colorful & packed with nutrients.

  • Eat organic foods when you can find them. This goes for fruits & vegetables, milk & meat as well. Conventional foods are sprayed with pesticides & injected with hormones & dyes in order to make them yield more, last longer & look prettier. Organic foods are grown without such "aides". When you eat organic foods, you eat less pesticides & hormones & your food tends to taste better.
  • Substitute olive oil for butter at your table. Olive oil contains a healthier kind of fat (unsaturated fat) than butter does (butter contains saturated fat which is linked to heart disease). For the same reasons, avoid eating anything that has "partially hydrogenated" oil or "trans-fats" in it. Oils that have been hydrogenated have been made into saturated fats through an industrial process.

Following these & similar tips for eating healthier will give you better energy & help you preserve your health over the course of your life.

very important additional information...
 
 
 
 
it's in the news....
 
5 Nutrients Your Child May Be Missing:  Many kids fall short in 5 essential nutrients - is your child one?
 

Kids of Deployed Parents Need Consistency

By Paul X. Rutz / American Forces Press Service

WASHINGTON, April 28, 2006 - Consistency key for children as their military parents deploy, a university psychologist said.

Dr. Frederic Medway, psychology professor at the Univ. of South Carolina, has been publishing research on family separation issues since 1987. He said his work has shown that while children of different ages have different needs, if parents offer as consistent an environment as possible, their kids tend to fare better.

"Set the tone early," Medway told American Forces Press Service during an interview at the Pentagon. "Try not to make many big changes while deployment happens."

That's easier to do with young children, he said. Parents have a lot more control when their children haven't yet started school & they should use that time to foster an environment of safety & stability because other challenges abound. Common childhood fears of things like animals & thunder often get compounded when children are thinking about a parent in a hostile zone & explaining away those fears is tricky.

"Younger children won't understand abstract concepts such as time," he said. Checking off dates on a calendar or explaining, "Mommy comes home in a year," may not make much sense to them, so keeping big changes to a minimum helps them feel better.

With school-age kids, the situation becomes more complex, Medway said. They have more going on in their lives at school & with friends. Offering a consistent environment can be difficult for the parent at home, especially if the parent is working as well as raising the child.

As children reach adolescent age, parents must be especially sensitive to what they're going thru. "I think the teen years are especially tough because teens are notorious at not talking to their parents about things," Medway said. "I think this is a population that we as mental health people really need to watch out for."

Medway said young teens also have access to information & an ability to grasp it that younger children don't. "Often they're worried, watching TV, CNN, hearing rumors," he said.

Another defining problem for adolescents is a wish to be the same as everyone else. Financial issues, lack of access to a car, clothes not jazzy enough & other problems become an excuse to lash out, he said.

"I think, unfortunately, a lot of these children look for something to attribute that to & in some cases they'll get angry with the stay-at-home parent because the other parent is overseas & their family isn't like everybody else," he said.

For these reasons & others, setting the tone early in terms of communication is critical to creating consistency for children once they go to school, Medway said.

"You've really got to start working on that open communication at age 4, ... because by the time your child hits 12 they may naturally shut down a little bit & if you don't have good communication in the beginning, it's certainly going to be difficult by the time they're in that 12-to-14 range," he said.

Families who have a parent deployed certainly see long-lasting effects due to separation & sacrifice, Medway said. These are lifelong consequences that'll change the course of where that family is going, but not always for the worse. He mentioned that military kids often learn to be more independent & outgoing than their peers, for example.

Medway also explained that each phase of deployment poses different challenges & families who educate themselves tend to do better. "I think it's so important to be informed & that really means go to all the briefings that your unit has," he said. "Everything sort of starts there."

Medway also suggests getting supports in place long before separation starts, which means talking with friends, parents, grandparents & on-base family aids.

The months surrounding homecoming often offer the biggest challenges, Medway said. Part of that is due to high expectations.

"We expect that everything is going to be very well & very good, but soldiers change & families change & oftentimes the very early period is a good period, but sometimes after 30 days or 60 days, there are some little bumps in the road," he said.

"These bumps in the road are really a function of being apart from your loved one. They're not so much a function, necessarily, that your loved one was separated because of military service, because we see the same thing in long-term business travel, in missionary kinds of work, etcetera."

A combination of patience & consistency tends to help families most, he said. Research during the 1991 Persian Gulf War revealed that children's behavior often got worse during the reunion stage than it was during deployment.

"The child was responding to one parent who was consistent with himself," Medway said. "When you bring a 2nd person back in & their view of parenting may differ based upon the first person, that can throw the kids for a loop."

Another important aid in coping, one often left as a last resort, is the mental health service available in the community.

"Get to problems early," he said. Teachers, school psychologists & school counselors are often great sources of help for kids, while military assistants, family doctors & chaplains can do a lot for parents.

Another great tool from coping.org!
 
Helping Another Recognize the Need for Help

When do you know if another person needs help?

Another person in your life needs help when:

  • You're no longer willing to accept the negative consequences of their troubled behavior.

  • You're no longer willing to rescue them from the negative consequences of their behavior.

  • You're no longer willing to enable their troubled behavior.

  • You're no longer willing to placate or please them in order to keep them happy, content & out of trouble.

  • You're exhausted, exasperated, disgusted, disappointed, disturbed & chronically un-accepting of the troubled behavior of the other person.

  • That person is no longer able to hide the troubled behavior at home, work, school, or in the community.

  • That person is chronically unhappy, hostile, angry, defensive, depressed, denying or rejecting when the troubled behaviors are pointed out as needing to be changed.

  • That person chronically blames you & others for the troubled behavior & it's become unreasonable to accept that rationale.

  • That person gets in trouble at home, at work, or in the community because of problem behavior.

  • That person is unable to control the problem behavior.

  • No promises or attempts at reformation are followed thru.  

How you know extreme measures are required to get another person help

There is a need for dramatic or extreme action to get someone help when that person:

  • Gets into legal trouble because of the problem behavior.

  • Is in danger of losing a job or failing school.

  • Is someone you're no longer willing to live with.

  • Is functioning in such an unhealthy way that others in the environment are suffering unhealthy emotional stress.

  • Is unable to follow thru on promises to cease the "addictive'' or unhealthy behavior.

  • Seems to be controlled by the behavior & "lives'' or thrives on the problem behavior.

  • Is so caught up in denial & delusion about the problems that attempts to get help have been ignored.

  • Turns the situation around & blames you for causing the problems.

  • Goes on a paranoid attack, accusing you & others of being in a ruinous conspiracy.

  • Becomes so grandiose that the world is seen as being "sick'' & the troubled person as the only healthy one.

  • Becomes so physically & emotionally abusive that you can no longer defend yourself enough to retain your physical &/or emotional health.

Drastic ultimatums needed to mobilize a person to get help

The following are ultimatums to use if the person is:

Your son or daughter, 18 years or older, living with you: you may need to lovingly request she / he leave home & not return until she / he has received help & is healthier.

Your son or daughter, 17 years or younger: you may need to lovingly request that until she / he receives help & changes the problem behavior, she / he give up certain privileges & benefits gained by living in the home.

Your spouse: you may need to lovingly inform your partner that you & she / he will need to separate or eventually divorce if she / he doesn't get help & change the unhealthy behavior.

Your employee: you may need to lovingly inform the employee that she / he will be terminated from employment unless she / he gets help to change the unhealthy behavior.

Your student: you may need to lovingly inform the student that she / he will probably fail the class, be reported to the administration & to her / his parents for disciplinary action if she / he doesn't get help & change the unhealthy behavior.

Your friend: you may need to lovingly inform your friend that you'll have to cease involving yourself with her / him unless she / he gets help & changes the unhealthy behavior.

Your parent: you may need to lovingly inform your parent that you will no longer be able to live under the same roof with her / him &/or no longer have any further contact or involvement with her / him unless she / he gets help & changes the unhealthy behavior.

A relative (son or daughter, cousin, aunt or uncle, grandparent) who doesn't live in the same house as you: you may need to lovingly inform them that you'll no longer sustain any contact or involvement or give them financial or visible support unless they get help & change their unhealthy behavior.

Someone who has authority over you (your boss, supervisor, teacher, doctor, counselor): you may need to lovingly inform her / him that you'll have to report her / him to their respective superiors, ethics board, or peer review group if she / he doesn't get help & change the unhealthy behavior.

Someone in your support group: you may need to lovingly inform her / him that you'll have to ask the group to drop her / him from the roster or to publicly reprimand her / him if she / he doesn't get help & change the unhealthy behavior.

Troubled behaviors requiring drastic ultimatums

Things to do for yourself before taking drastic steps to get help for another

Before you can help another person, you need to get help for yourself so that you:

Are clear as to:

  • who owns the problem
  • how real the problem is
  • how you contribute to the problem
  • steps you can take to help alleviate the problem (short of drastic steps)

Feel good about yourself & are able to self-affirm in a healthy way to arm yourself against the verbal & emotional assault of the person who resists help.

Honestly face living with the consequences of the ultimatums as listed above.

Are in order emotionally & spiritually & are prepared to "let go'' of the troubled person if she / he refuses to get help.

Are willing to let go & let God take over from here. 

Can identify your enabling & rescuing behavior & how it has made it easier for the troubled person's problems to become more destructive.

Get help to reduce your sense of over responsibility for the troubled person.

Can let go of any guilt you may feel about placing ultimatums on an already "sick'' person in order for that person to realize the need for help.

Can let go of the fear of taking drastic steps to get the person help; also to let go of the fear of having to follow thru on your ultimatums indefinitely.

Can live as healthy a life as possible so that the troubled person can no longer excuse her / his own behavior, claiming that "you're sick, too!''

Can identify the existing resources in your community to which the person can turn for help. These resources include support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, Narcotics Anonymous, professional treatment centers & individual, licensed mental health practitioners.

Can use a behavioral intervention technique with your troubled person to lead that person to change the troubled behavior.

Description of a behavioral intervention

A behavioral intervention is a "tough love" model of presenting data, facts & information to the troubled person in a loving & caring way. This data informs the person how the troubled behavior negatively affects others.

This information is intended to motivate the person to seek help for the problem behavior. This is an effort to establish a healing environment with the troubled person.

The data provided in an intervention focuses on the problem behavior & how the problem behavior results in the person having trouble at home, work, school, or in the community.

The information about the problem behavior presented must be documented & witnessed by others. No speculation, analysis, or guessing about the problem behavior is presented in an intervention.

The intervention presents the problem behavior in a quantified description so the troubled person is able to get a sense of the magnitude of the problem.

Intervention provides credible data to the other person because all incidents of problem behavior are detailed as to date or time of the problem related events. Where, when & with whom these events occurred is included to help the person's recall.

Interventions are presented with love & care. As each piece of documentation is given to the troubled person, the intervenor says:

  • "I'm here because I love you (or care about you) & I want you to get help for yourself.''

The facts are presented in a supportive, honest, non-blaming & healing oriented manner.

The intervenors share their feelings about the specific events listed & what negative consequences the intervenors received as a result of the troubled person's behavior. The intervenors point out that they chose their own reactions & responses (be they enabling or rescuing) & that they're no longer willing to function as enablers or rescuers for the troubled person's behavior.

Written scripts that include a list of data on the troubled behavior are used & interventions are rehearsed. The intervenors have a written script & need not rely on memories. Writing & rehearsing reduces the impact of nervousness that intervenors may feel.

A variety of people can be involved in a behavioral intervention. You can function as the sole intervenor or you & the other person's:

  • spouse
  • parent(s)
  • relative(s)
  • boss
  • teacher(s)
  • friend(s)
  • child(ren)
  • minister

can be involved as intervenors. A professional mental health counselor could provide some stability, calmness & mediation if necessary. The counselor may be the moderator if there are more than 2 intervenors with a specific person.  

The intervention is conducted like a meeting with an agenda. Each person (intervenor) takes a turn going over the data brought to the meeting. Once all persons have presented their data, they present helping alternatives. The target person then gets to react to them. Then the intervenors present the person with their "tough love'' ultimatums, pointing out resources in the community where help is available.

Difference between intervention & confrontation

An intervention:

is healing oriented

is supportive

is solution oriented

is caring, concerned & loving

is helping

reduces defensiveness

reduces need for showing anger

opens communication

is listening oriented

is understanding of the nature of the problem

is offering assistance to the other

is where resources for help are pointed out

is tough love oriented

is self-affirmation oriented

is healing environment oriented

is planned, thought out, reasonable & decisive

While a confrontation:

is blaming oriented

is threatening

is a continuation of the problem

is vindictive, argumentative & hostile

is hurting

increases defensiveness

is anger inducing

often ends in tears & silence

blocks out listening

is judgmental & critical of problems

 

is an attack on the other

 

is a form of coercion to get help

 

is enabling oriented

 

is guilt inducing oriented

 

is self-righteous oriented

 

is nagging, bitching, complaining & often spontaneous

Outline of intervention script

All intervenors prepare scripts for themselves using the  following outline:

Reason for the meeting:

Intervenor (each in turn) presents documentation:

  • Date
  • What you did

  • How I felt

  • What I did for you

The helping alternatives for the troubled person:

  • Primary alternatives

  • Back up alternatives

  • How a healing environment can be established together

The helping resources in the community available to the person:

  • Agency name

  • Telephone number

  • Contact person  

Ultimatums to be presented if troubled person refuses to seek help for change & growth:

How I will cope if the troubled person refuses to get help:

Steps to take in helping another recognize the need for help

Step 1: Identify why you believe the troubled person in your life needs help

Step 2: Identify why you need to take drastic action to get this person help.

Step 3: Identify what drastic "tough love'' ultimatums you may need to use.

Step 4: Identify the problem behavior your troubled person needs help to change.

Step 5: Identify what you need help with first, before you can assist the troubled person.

Step 6: Get help for yourself to address the issues identified in Step 5.

Step 7: Prepare a behavioral intervention script & invite relevant, concerned persons to write an intervention script as well.

Step 8: Meet with the intervenors to plan & rehearse the intervention script.

Step 9: Conduct the behavioral intervention with the troubled person.

Step 10: Assist the troubled person in getting the needed help. Follow thru with your ultimatums if the person doesn't go for help or if the person goes for help & still doesn't change.

Step 11: If the troubled person refuses to recognize the need for help &/or if your involvement cannot be curtailed, return to Step 1 & begin again.  

 Understanding Needs

Robert Elias Najemy

We need to understand & communicate our needs. At the same time, it's important to be able to hear & if possible, respond to the other's needs.
 
The following exercise in examining needs will help.
SOME NEEDS WE MIGHT HAVE FROM THE OTHER
Mark your needs & add others you would like to be respected or fulfilled in this relationship.

1. Love (or greater expression of it)
 
 
3. Understanding (of what?)
 
4. Acceptance as we are
 
 

7. Freedom to think & function as we believe & in accordance w/our needs

8. A peaceful environment
 
9. Support & encouragement in the cultivation of our abilities & powers
 
10. To be listened to w/out hearing criticism or advice.
 
11. Satisfaction with us.

13. To be just w/us - to behave toward us as he or she would like us to behave toward him of her
14. To agree w/our beliefs & ideals or at least accept & respect them

15. To express his or her true feelings, needs & beliefs
 
16. Freedom of movement

17. To keep our agreements

18. To have patience w/our weaknesses
19. To be supported during difficult moments
 
20. To express gratitude for all we offer him or her
22. To be able to be alone when we don't feel well or when we have the need.
 
23. To get out more often
24. To get more rest
25. To be given more help in the chores
26. For greater attention when we speak
 
27. To do more things together
28. For greater responsibility on his or her part
 
29. To be on time
 
30. To receive more help & cooperation in keeping order & cleanliness

31. To be able to behave as we like in our home.
 

For romantic relationships:
33. Affection & erotic contact.
34. To be sexually devoted to only us

Other....

Consider which needs might be behind the following:
  • Your complaining
  • Your criticism
  • Your impatience
  • Your refusal to cooperate
  • Your reactions
  • Your conflicts & arguments
  • The games you play
  • Your competitiveness
  • Your teaching & sermonizing
  • Your anger

Now place a special mark next to those needs that in your perception aren't being fulfilled enough in your relationship. Having done so, seek to discover whether your lesson is to:

 
1. Express these needs more dynamically thru "I" messages
 
2. Get free from the needs
 
3. Get free from subconscious beliefs (fears, guilt) that prevent you from manifesting this need

4. Some combination of the above.

According to what you find, then employ affirmations for each obstacle towards any of these 4 possible lessons so that you can move forward.

According to your discoveries, make a plan for proceeding toward a happier reality.

Tuning into the other's needs.
Mark what you
believe to be the other's needs

1. Love (or greater expression of it)
 
 
3. Understanding (of what?)

4. To accept them as they are
7. Freedom to think & function as they believe & in accordance w/ their needs
 
8. A peaceful environment

9. Support & encouragement in the cultivation of their abilities & powers

10. To be listened to them w/out hearing criticizing or advice
 
11. To be satisfied with them
 
12. To inspire them
 
13. To be just w/ them ? for us to behave toward them as we would like them to behave toward us
 
14. To agree w/their beliefs & ideals or at least accept & respect them
 
15. To express our true feelings, needs & beliefs
16. Freedom of movement
 
17. To keep our agreements

18. To have patience w/their weaknesses
 
19. To be support them during difficult moments
 
20. To express gratitude for all that they offer us
 

22. To be able to be alone when they don't feel well or when they have the need
23. To get out more often
24. To get more rest
25. To receive more help in the chores
26. To be given greater attention when they speak
 
27. To do more things together
 
28. For greater responsibility on our part
 
29. To be on time
 
30. To receive more help & cooperation in keeping order & cleanliness
 
31. To behave as they like in the home & elsewhere
 
32.  For us to take care of ourselves
 
For romantic relationship partners
33. Affection & erotic contact
 
34. To be sexually devoted to only them

Other...

You might also want to consider which needs might be behind the other's:

  • Complaining
  • Criticism
  • Impatience
  • Refusal to cooperate
  • Reactions
  • Conflicts & arguments
  • Games he or she plays
  • Competitiveness
  • Teaching & sermonizing
  • Anger

Now place a special mark on the other's needs that you consider to be the least satisfied by yourself in this relationship. Then consider possible lessons:

 
1. To feel okay even if your loved one's need isn't satisfied
 
2. To free yourself from any obstacles that keep you from satisfying your loved one's needs
 
3. To communicate more effectively about this thru "I" messages & active listening
 
4. To find practical solutions so you both can be happy
 
5. Some combination of the above
Once you have made your discoveries, move forward to employing affirmations for any emotions which might obstruct you from lovingly satisfying the other's needs or getting free from guilt that he or she isn't satisfied. Also as mentioned above, work on any difficulties if communicating on this problem.

How Do You Get Your Needs Met?
by Stanley J. Gross, Ed.D.

How do you respond to other people? Do you know the difference between assertion & aggression? Is it ever appropriate to be aggressive or submissive? Which style do you favor?

While growing up, we learn 3 styles for meeting our needs:

Each style is necessary for dealing w/the variety of situations we experience. Problems emerge, however, when we are submissive or aggressive in situations that call for assertion.

  • When inappropriately submissive, we deny our own needs & rely on the good will of others or their need to control to meet these needs.
  • When we're in the submissive mode, it's difficult to say "no" when something doesn't suit us.
  • When inappropriately aggressive, we deny the needs of others & may abuse the very people who can meet our needs for caring & affection.
  • When we're in the aggressive mode, it's difficult to stay calm & simply say, "I'm angry" if someone invades our space. We will, more likely, fly into a rage to express our displeasure.

Three Response Styles 

Submissive behavior may be necessary or advisable when it is physically dangerous or socially inappropriate to express oneself more directly. Submissiveness is a problem, however, if it's our usual way of responding to others.

Submissive behavior seeks to avoid conflict, risky situations & confusion. Our communication is emotionally dishonest when we don't directly express our thoughts, feelings & desires. We may withhold entirely or express ourselves indirectly. We may say "yes" to others when we want to say "no."

Submissiveness as a lifestyle revolves around the belief that our rights to personal space or to engage in efforts to meet our personal needs are subject to the approval of others. When we are prevented from getting what we require, we may try to meet our needs in a passive-aggressive manner, or by withholding, guilt, manipulation, or sneakiness.

When we are submissive, we may blame ourselves for this perceived denial of rights & attempt to calm the situation w/ apologies or by talking around the point. We may agree to do things we really don't want to do.

Allowing violations of boundaries, denial of rights & exploitation, coupled w/an ignorance of our own needs, are all part of a pattern of avoiding conflict & gaining the approval of others. "You" statements, which proclaim innocence & blame others & assumptions that others should meet our needs, avoid personal vulnerability & responsibility.

A reduced sense of "being alive," unsatisfactory relationships, low self-esteem, martyrdom, negativity, disappointment, hurt, not getting what we want & periodic outbursts of rage are characteristic consequences of submissiveness.

Aggressiveness may be necessary when we have to defend ourselves against clear threats to life or property, but can be a problem if it's our usual style of response to others.

Aggressive individuals seek to dominate, regardless of the cost. We're aggressive when we express ourselves at the expense of the rights & feelings of others. Aggressive action relies on beliefs that we have to fight for the right to our personal space or need satisfaction & the only way to gain either is by physical or emotional