What negative garbage is preventing your inner healing?

You need to dump any or all of the following garbage of emotions, feelings & attitudes in order to grow down in a healthy way.

The garbage of abuse The anger, pain & hurt from childhood experiences of being abused physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually.

The garbage of neglect The confusion, resentment, chip on the shoulder, the nurture neediness of being emotionally &/or physically neglected in your childhood.

The garbage of invisibility The numbness, lack of focus, fear, insecurity & lack of trust from being ignored & isolated from others as a result of being invisible to others in your childhood.

The garbage of violation of boundaries The anger, resentment, defensiveness, mistrust & guardedness of having your emotional &/or physical boundaries violated &/or ignored as a youth.

The garbage of disassociation of feelings.

The confusion of not being able to label your feelings about past or present experiences in your life due to the survival mechanism of disassociation from the painful, humiliating, offensive, abusive, painful violations you experienced in your early life.

The garbage of sick family life The myriad irrational, unhealthy, sick beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, emotions, feelings, behaviors & actions which were the result of your being raised in a dysfunctional, sick & emotionally unhealthy family. 

Laying the Foundation explores the full range of issues resulting from being raised in a dysfunctional family.

The garbage of being over-criticized The defensive emotional & attitudinal barriers you've set up to defend against the barrage of criticism, non-reinforcement & negativity you received in your formative years.

The garbage of loss. The emotional turmoil from recognizing the magnitude of the losses in your life which are a result of being raised in a dysfunctional family, losing a healthy childhood, losing a fantasy family life, losing loved ones to death &/or addiction &/or mental illness. Tools for Handling Loss explores these issues fully.

The garbage of being unloved The pervasive sense of never being loved or accepted unconditionally for who you are but rather feeling that no matter what you did it never was "good enough'' for others to love & accept you.

The garbage of anger In Tools for Anger Workout the many faces of anger are explored. They include:

• rage

• hatred

• revenge

• resentment

• hostility

• sarcasm

• cynicism

• pessimism

• jumping to negative assumptions

• silent withdrawal

• depression

• self-destructive behaviors

• passive aggressiveness

The garbage of control In Tools for Handling Control Issues  the many faces of control are fully explored. They include:

• intimidation
• manipulation
• the need to fix
• caretaker behaviors
• powerlessness
• overdependency
• helplessness
• suicide & survival behaviors

The garbage of unhealthy relationships In Tools for Relationships issues in unhealthy relationships are covered. They include:

• conflict
• barriers
• problem solving
• rejection
• need for approval
• victim-hood & martyrdom
• power & control
• competition
• lack of intimacy
• fantasy relationships
• lack of forgiveness & forgetting 
• lack of clarity of goals

The garbage of low self-esteem In Tools for Personal Growth  the issues arising from low self-esteem are explored. They include:

• guilt
• lack of trust
• insecurity
• vulnerability
• inability to be a risk taker
• fear of failure
• fear of success
• perfectionism
• pride
• lack of patience
• lack of personal responsibility
• high levels of stress
• burnout 
• inability to have fun

The garbage of poor communications In Tools for Communications the elements of unhealthy communications are explored which include:

• over content-oriented
• ignoring of feelings
• lack of empathy
• lack of understanding
• poor responsivity
• lack of healthy problem solving

The garbage of the struggle Recognizing that recovery is a lifetime project can result in anger, rage & despair. The recovery lifestyle as outlined in The SEA's Program Manual recognizes that you must always be prepared for relapse in your life.

This reality can be a stimulus for negativity & loss of hope unless it is dealt with in a rational manner.

 

We have to try to take immediate action to prevent them from spreading & causing more damage. Once you acknowledge the presence of negative emotions you can decide not to let yourself fall under their control (like anger, i.e.).

It's not an easy task. We have to discipline ourselves & refrain from becoming overwhelmed by these emotions & thoughts. I can't emphasize enough how much damage these negative thoughts & feelings can cause.

 

 

 

That's when sometimes help is needed - sometimes we can't accomplish this by ourselves. A good therapist can help you & guide you to discover the origin of some of these emotions & help you find ways to channel them in positive actions.

 

You can never be happy if you have a negative attitude most of the time - if everything bothers you, nothing is good enough for you, no one is ever right, everyone is out there to get you; if you're hard to please; if you complain about almost everything; if you feel sorry for yourself, etc. Your mental attitude is very important!

If you have a low self-esteem & don't feel good about yourself, you become an easy target for these negative emotions to invade every space in your mind. It'll be easier for you to take things personally, get upset more easily, misconstrue people's intentions, etc. So, be careful. Work on your self-confidence & start appreciating who you are.

 

As you can surmise, they had many financial troubles & there was a lot of tension in their marriage - but they stayed together. They had two children - a boy & a girl & their low self-esteem rubbed off on them too (when you have problems accepting & loving yourself your reactions, your attitudes, your behaviors affect your children & everyone around you - children are like sponges & even when they're in their mom's uterus they sense all the negative emotions & are affected by them). Babies & children sense the tension in a home & their health & psychological well-being is definitely affected.

So even though they were very talented & beautiful children, they themselves have struggled w/insecurity problems all their lives. Our parents' emotional state will definitely affect us in a negative way. They felt the tension, the unhappiness & a whole bunch of other negative emotions in their home.

 

Once in a while whe says something powerful though, in one of our recent visits she said to us: "somewhere I lost myself..."

The son, my husband, hung in there & tried his best - we all did - but now it's very painful for him to see his mom w/this devastating disease (it's very painful for all of us - including our daughters). Yes, she was hard to please; yes, she was demanding & a pain many times; yes, she didn't know how to love unconditionally & I also believe that all the medicines she had to take for her arteriosclerosis & other health problems affected her mind - but nobody is perfect & we have to let go & forgive, for our own good. It's just very sad that she never had "inner peace" - that she was never truly happy & now it's too late to do anything about it.

We all have similar stories, my own is also alike in some ways. In my case, my mom was always easy going, generous, calm, patient, very caring & good in all the sense of the word - my dad was very difficult (very demanding, very set in his ways, very "macho") -  he was very smart & had some great qualities but his bad temper overshadowed everything.

 

 

Let's not contaminate our children w/the baggage we carry. Let's love them w/all of our power & inner strength & let's show them how important they are in our lives. Let's not destroy our lives & the lives of others. WE MATTER. Let's make ourselves happy!

"There are millions of human beings who live narrow, darkened, frustrated lives - who live defensively - simply because they take a defensive, doubtful attitude toward themselves & as a result, towards life in general. A person with a poor attitude becomes a magnet for unpleasant experiences.  When those experiences come - as they must, because of his attitude - they tend to reinforce his poor attitude, thereby bringing more problems, & so on.  The person becomes an example of self-generating, doom-fulfilling prophecy.  And it's all a matter, believe it or not, of attitude.  We get what we expect.  Our outlook on life is a kind of paintbrush, & with it, we paint our world.  It can be bright and filled with hope & satisfaction, or it can be dark & gloomy - lugubrious."

Earl Nightingale

Fulfillment of the prophecy. By assuming that the worst is going to happen, I subconsciously set things up so that they do happen & in just the negative way I predicted.

Being close-minded. If I assumed that there's only one way things will always be, then my mind is closed to other possibilities. This results in my becoming closed or resistant to change, even to changes for the better. I simply refuse to believe they're true.

Living with blinders on. Reaching the assumption that there's only one way things are going to be, I become unable to look forward. I refuse to see the possibility of things being different. I become narrow in my focus.

Being rigid & inflexible. By assuming that things can't change, my behavior gets stuck on one track. I'm on a one-way street to nowhere, in a deep rut. I find it impossible to be spontaneous or flexible.

Being insensitive & uncaring. By assuming that I will be treated negatively by everyone w/whom I come in contact, I throw emotional barriers up so high that no one can see my feelings. This results in my appearing cold & aloof.

Self-sabotaging behavior. Assuming that only the worst will happen to me, I do or say things that hamper my growth or success. Failure & loss are the result.

What irrational thinking leads me to jump to these negative assumptions?

• All people are alike.

• Things will never change.

• No one wants me to succeed.

• There are only two kinds of people in life: losers & winners / the "haves" & the "have nots."

• I was meant to be a loser & a "have not."

• There's no sense in my trying to change since the others in my life will never change.

• I know how she is & how she'll always react, so why expect anything else from her?

• This is the way it's supposed to happen to me.

• There's only one way to think or feel; one should not deviate from it.

• I've been hurt & hurt badly; nothing good will ever happen to me.

Where did I learn to jump to negative assumptions?

I became skilled at jumping to negative assumptions:

• in a family where honest communication rarely existed.

• because I was unable to express or even identify my feelings as a child.

• in my relationships when I experienced hurt, pain, rejection, & a lack of approval.

• in my early life by adopting a nonassertive mode.

• by never asking people to clarify their meaning or feelings in our communication.

• by allowing myself to be intimidated by others.

• when I saw that every time I predicted that a ``bad'' thing would happen to me, it did.

• when I saw my parents & siblings doing it. It became a way of life for me.

• when my creative problem-solving techniques kept not working w/authority figures.

• as I learned that I could be more accepted by accommodating & following the crowd than by thinking for myself.

Steps to stop my jumping to negative assumptions

Step 1:In order to stop jumping to negative assumptions, I need to recognize how I do it. By answering the following three riddles in my journal I can learn how I jump to negative assumptions.

Coin Riddle

I have two coins that total 30 cents. One of the coins isn't a nickel. What two coins do I have?

A. My answer is:

B. My reason for this answer is:

C. Click Answer Key   to get the correct answer. Identify the assumption that resulted in my wrong answer. If I was right, great!

Crash Riddle

A plane crashed on the border between Mexico & the United States. If the luggage landed in one country & the wreckage in another, in which country would you bury the survivors?

A. My answer is:

B. My reason for this answer is:

C. Click the Answer Key to get to the correct answer.. Identify the assumption that resulted in my wrong answer. If I was right, great!

Accident Riddle

Mr. Smith & his son, Tony, were driving home from work. They got into a car accident. Mr. Smith died immediately. Tony was rushed to a hospital unconscious & he was taken to surgery. When the surgeon saw Tony, the doctor said, "I cannot operate on this man because he is my son." Who was the doctor?

A. My answer is:

B.   My reason for this answer is:

C. Click the Answer Key to get the correct answer. Identify the assumption that resulted in my wrong answer. If I was right, great, but even if I got all three riddles correct, I need to answer the following questions in my journal:

1. What is a riddle?

2. How are paradoxes, stereotypes & assumptions involved in riddles?

3.  How well do I solve riddles?

4.  How well do I solve the riddles in my life?

5.  How do assumptions interfere in my relationships?

6.  What are the sources of my negative assumptions?

7.   What unresolved anger lies at the base of these negative assumptions?

8.   What irrational thinking leads to my negative assumptions?

9.   What new thinking should I develop?

10.  What people, places, things, or events do I give power over me? What happens to me when these things trip my "hot buttons?"' Physically? Emotionally?

Step 3: Once I've identified what I want "off the chairs," I need to identify those things about which I usually jump to negative assumptions. I will answer the following questions in my journal:

A. When I jump to negative assumptions about people, I usually assume:

B. When I jump to negative assumptions about places, I usually assume:

C. When I jump to negative assumptions about things, I usually assume:

D. When I jump to negative assumptions about events, I usually assume:

E. My negative assumptions have the following themes or characteristics:

F. What do these negative assumptions tell me about my belief in myself?

G. What new beliefs about myself should I develop?

Step 4: Once I identify the negative assumptions I need to outline what I can do to stop this behavior. I will answer the following questions in my journal:

A. What is the status of my sense of self-deserving and self-love?

B. How can I grow in self-love, self-worth & self-esteem, and believe that I deserve good things in life?

C. What new behavior should I develop to stop my jumping to negative assumptions?

D. In reviewing this chapter, what action could I take to stop jumping to negative assumptions?

Step 5:If I'm still jumping to negative assumptions, I'll go back to Step 1 & begin over again.

examining negative emotions

Overcoming Negative Emotions - by Kim Eickhoff

One of the many lessons I've learned in my life & continue to learn, is that my thoughts create my emotions & my emotions create my behaviors & then it circles back around.

Once this cycle begins it seems almost impossible to stop. If my thoughts are positive in nature, the results can help me live my best life.

However, if they're negative thoughts, what follows are negative feelings, followed by negative behaviors. Thru this pattern I 've come to realize that I must look at my negativity as an opportunity to grow & develop.

I've developed a series of steps that help me acknowledge when this pattern of negativity is beginning, as well as how to disrupt the pattern & ultimately stop it from continuing any further.

The first step is to create more awareness as to what thoughts I'm actually thinking when I'm thinking them. I use a technique called quieting the mind.

To quiet the mind I meditate in order to cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness basically means awareness & I've found that the more I practice meditation, the more mindful or aware I become of the constant barrage of negative thoughts that flow thru my mind.

This awareness has allowed me to realize that not all of my thoughts are rational, or are they necessarily based in reality. Therefore, because of my awareness, a red flag appears each time I think something negative about myself, my situation, or even an idea that I might have.

When this flag goes up I am instantly able to reassess the thought & see where it might have originated & if it still holds any truth for me. Many times the thought is something I learned as a child, or was told as a child by significant others in my life, but it's not what I believe as an adult. Then w/this knowledge I'm able to challenge it & eventually erase it.

The second technique is called listening to the heart. Listening to the heart involves paying attention to the actual feelings I'm feeling in any given situation.

I've learned that my feelings provide very valuable information as to what my values are, what my true beliefs are, what situations or people drain my energy & what boundaries I need to create & enforce in order to protect myself.

Many times my negative thoughts instantly create a negative feeling of being frustrated, irritated, angry, jealous & afraid. Since these thoughts & feelings happen almost simultaneously, I've learned that not only do I need to pay more attention to the actual thought that triggers the negative emotions, I also need to pay more attention to the emotion itself.

The first thing I do is identify what feeling I'm experiencing. I then allow myself the room to experience that feeling, which provides me with the opportunity to work thru the feeling & get past it. Thru this process I'm also able to connect the feeling to a deeper meaning for me, realizing that whatever I'm angry or frustrated about in that moment, isn't the real issue.

The real issue is much deeper. This provides a much broader perspective from which to view my feelings, which makes them less overwhelming.

The bottom line is that the more awareness I create around what actually fuels my emotions & ultimately my behaviors, the more control I have over how I respond to various situations & stressors.

Learning that the more conscious I am, the better decisions & choices I'll make, which will lead to a happier, more balanced & more meaningful life. Making these connections is imperative in disrupting & stopping the negative patterns of thoughts, feelings & behaviors.

It might be useful for you in your own life to look at some your behaviors that you might view as negative. They can be behaviors of trying to control or manipulate those around you, or over eating, over spending, working too much, drinking too much, being judgmental towards others or a combination of some or all of these.

We all have behaviors that we engage in that don't lift us up to be our best selves. If we learn to analyze what feelings might be driving those behaviors & then what thoughts are driving those feelings, it becomes possible to stop & interrupt this pattern.

We can then choose new patterns that are more positive & that will help us create our best life from the inside out.

examining your negative feelings & negative actions

Talk yourself out of any negative feelings - By Giuditta Tornetta, CD, CLE, CCH

CAST A STONE INTO THE RIVER PETRA
"Sadness flies away on the wings of time." Percy Bysshe Shelely

Dear God,

Take my fear of abandonment & mold it into a stone so that I may toss it into the river Petra. Transform my fear of loneliness into a cuddly teddy bear I can hold at night & convert my fear of making the wrong decision into a caring teacher that holds my hand thru the school of life.

I love abandonment: for everyone who leaves me is showing me God’s love, as they weren't meant to be on my path. I love loneliness: for being alone means I can truly commune w/God w/rigorous honesty. I love to make the wrong decisions: for they teach me a great deal more than the right ones.

Does this work my little one? No, not really.

That’s funny!

I can't be abandoned: for I'm connected to everyone whether they like it or not; I can't be lonely: because this planet has so many people; if I could find out how to truly be alone, I'd be the richest person in the Universe.

I can't make the wrong choices: because if I did only make the wrong choices, I'd have the monopoly on them & I'd be rich from the patent I could register in my name.

That’s ridiculous, but it’s working.

I can't be abandoned: because no one decides what happens in my life but me, so I'm the one doing all the abandoning. I can't be lonely: because I just don’t want to be. I can't make the wrong choices: because all the choices I make are right by me.

That’s it, keep talking to yourself & you can get out of any hole you may have dug yourself in.

Today’s Affirmation: Today, I can talk myself out of any negative feeling!

 

 

Another problem is that they expect terrible politeness from me, so if I do make the fatal mistake of joking w/them, my parents, especially my father wouldn't mind yelling at me & telling me that I'll have no future at all & I'm destroying all my dreams he knows about.

That's very common because he loses his temper so quickly. My mother isn't much better, but she doesn't yell at me, instead, she criticizes me all the time so that I feel I'm nothing. And she keeps telling my father about things that make him furious that he yells at me again & he scares me so much too. Even the neighbors could hear him!

Lately I've been destroying small cheap objects & throwing them away so nobody sees them, like a small alarm clock that belonged to my sister. I hate having negative feelings inside me & I hate being w/people who can't respect me. I don't know what to do about this family, but I want to tell you I don't really will to kill myself. But at times, I wish I was dead before all that happened.

female, 16 yrs.

Answers ~
N... You know sometimes parents can be strict. but sometimes they're over strict. I know this, I really do. My parents have changed a lot since I'm 19 now, but there was a time where I was 13 & couldn't even ride my bike out of the driveway!

I think your parents are verbally & emotionally abusive & you need to get out, even if it means living at college all summer. In some colleges it is possible! You could even take summer courses.

I know you're prolly also feeling a lot of anger inside, probably frustration & that's why you think destroying small things will help release this anger & such, but a counselor would be so much better.

Many colleges offer an on campus shrink or counselor & I know because I see one at my school. He's helped me a great deal. You just need to find a new release for the bad feelings & that's why i think talking to someone at school is the answer...

best of luck...*hugs* Becky

 

 

 

 

Hi (: I think I was in pretty much the same predicament as you. My mother was overly critical & my dad was very over protective.

My dad is still a bit on the over protective side & my mother can't help but be who she is. But they're a lot better now. I confronted my dad. I told him I was feeling suffocated. I asked for a little bit of freedom.

I think my situation is a lot better now than it was before. But it took a while to cultivate. It's important that you don't break your parents' trust. If you do, then they'll just make it even worse for you.

It's hard to ignore someone who's been w/you for all of you life. But I had to try w/my mother whenever she made critical judgments. Try not to let it get to you. I usually just smile or nod my head when she makes little comments about how I act or look. If she starts doing that, try talking about neutral things. Steer the conversation to something else, like work or the news or the weather. (:

But don't come out trying to fight your parents. You're only going to lose. Try to have a reasonably calm talk with them. Make a special date... like have a dinner w/the family at home or a special restaurant. Spend some time w/them. I'm sure your parent have problems at work so maybe that's what's making him lose his temper.

I hope that helps. (: L.

 

 

 

Hm.. I think that you need to talk to your parents about how you feel, ask them for a little space, maybe make some conditions to make them feel they're in control but really you're making things almost even between you.

It's natural for parents to be protective of their children, they won't want them to be hurt or harmed in any way, sometimes they can go a little over the top but talk to them, I feel its better for them to show they care in this way that to give the impression they don't by not even being a little concerned.

Don't let them ruin your holidays, that's not why they have the rules they do, they want you to be safe but happy. They don't want you to sit around feeling you're doing something useless when you could be doing something you really would like too or something fun.

Your holidays don't have to be ruined, you can make them better but you need to work w/your parents & sort something between you. I'm sorry you're scared of your father when he's so mad & that he tries to make your dreams ruined, there's no reason for this & he has no right to do so.

Try talking to him, try to build a better relationship w/each other & work together, it may seem impossible but the more you both try the more easier it will become, maybe he needs a lead from you to know he can work things out with you.

Maybe you should also try to get some professional help, I don't think that thinking suicide is normal, maybe you just need to talk to someone who isn't at home or involved w/your family in any way.

Or maybe you should try to move out of your house for a while, maybe stay with a relative or friend just to get away & have some space. I also think that you need to talk to you mum about all of this, the feelings that you have & how it's effecting you.

I think that she'll listen & should be the first person that will want to listen & help you. I think that you really need to talk to someone & open up, i feel that you need to try to develop a better relationship w/family members & that talking & communicating is the only way for you to do this, things take time give them that & i also feel professional help should be considered.

*hugs* Take Care. Love, Ciara* :)

Negative Feelings vs. Negative Actions

Why are we so fearful of our negative emotions? Perhaps because we have seen friends who followed similar emotions & made poor decisions. They've done what they felt like doing & everyone around them has suffered.

But we must distinguish between negative feelings & negative actions.

i.e., let’s say you're feeling sad about the emotional distance between you & your spouse. You could share these feelings w/your spouse & seek to build your relationship. On the other hand, you could go out & have an affair w/someone else. The latter action would be extremely foolish, the former very wise.

Emotions always stimulate us to take action. However, we must make responsible decisions. You don’t choose your emotions, but you do choose your actions. Sharing your emotions w/your spouse opens the possibility of additional insights.

Failure to share emotions, limits your thoughts & actions to your own wisdom. The Scriptures say two are better than one. At the heart of marriage is the idea of sharing life. Emotions are a part of life.

The Negative Messages That Even Good Parents Send

By Ron Taffel, Ph.D.
(p. 1/8)

Sometimes we make "positive" statements that push our children away. Here, winning words for everyday situations to bring you & your child closer.

If you're like most modern parents, you've heard or read plenty about what you shouldn't say to your kids. Is there a parent among us who doesn't know by heart the eminently sensible rule that we should criticize the behavior ("That was a bad thing to do") rather than the child ("You're a bad boy")?

Yet for all our heightened awareness of the power of our words to heal & to hurt, I'm always fascinated by how often, w/the best possible intentions, parents make seemingly innocuous comments that in fact undermine their kids' confidence.

 

Many of these remarks are ones that all of us have uttered. Indeed, if you've heard such words coming from your own lips, don't berate yourself for inflicting irreparable harm on your son or daughter - you haven't. But make a mental note that your child will be better off if you refrain from making such comments in the future.

The Scenario: Your 4-year-old, just home from a playdate at Lindsay's house, announces, "I don't like Lindsay anymore."

The Wrong Words: "Yes, you do. Lindsay's a really nice girl."

Here's another example of good intentions gone awry. You don't want your youngster to be overcritical of others. And perhaps Lindsay genuinely is a sweet child. Or perhaps you & her mother are pals & it would be better for everyone if the girls got along.

But telling your child how she should feel is as detrimental as telling her you know how she feels. You're suggesting that her instinctive reactions to people aren't reliable & that she should make herself feel something she doesn't. By denying the validity of her feelings, you're inhibiting her ability to develop & nurture her own relationships.

 

The Winning Words: Realize that if your child is unhappy w/ another child, there's a reason. Again, ask questions: "So you didn't have much fun today? What did Lindsay do to upset you? What would make things better next time?" In this way, you're encouraging your child, first, to trust her feelings; second, to try to understand & express why she's feeling that way & finally, to explore active solutions.

Maybe she, or the two of you talking together, can come up w/ideas for repairing the relationship & perhaps happier playdates will be in store. Then again, maybe they won't, in which case the most sensible course is to trust your child's instincts.

When it comes to getting along w/others, these are the basic guidelines you want your child to follow: Figure out how you feel about the person, try to improve a disagreeable situation & if that doesn't work, it's okay to let the friendship drop. If you manage to instill this lesson, you have given your child a gift to carry into all future relationships.

The Scenario: Millie, Anna & Allison, ages 5, 6 & 8, are sisters. Their mother & father think of Millie as "the athletic one," Anna as "the artist" & Allison as "the scientist."

The Wrong Words: "You're our little athlete" (or "artist" or "scientist").

These loving, well-intentioned parents probably want to help each child feel important & special, not like just one of the pack. Perhaps by singling out each girl's talent, they hope to cut down on rivalry in a family of all girls, all close in age.

 

But affixing a label to a child can send a negative message, compelling her to live up to that label. It also sends a "hands-off" message to her siblings, because it suggests that "art is your sister's territory, yours is sports & you mustn't encroach." So in the guise of encouraging her talents, you inadvertently discourage your child from stretching her wings in other directions.

And perhaps that's exactly what she wants to do. Maybe "the little scientist" really longs to be a dancer. Maybe "the family clown" would like nothing better than to be admired as an ace student.

The Winning Words: Applauding what your child is good at is supportive & kind, but don't name her as one thing or another. Draw attention to the endeavor itself rather than pronounce her a master of it. Say, "Your poem is wonderful" rather than "You're a wonderful poet," or "You sang that song beautifully" rather than "You're a beautiful singer." It's a subtle distinction but one that takes the pressure off your child.

The Scenario: Jill and Ed had a terrible argument that was overheard by their 7-year-old son, Jeremy.

The Wrong Words: "I want to let you know what Daddy & I were fighting about this morning."

In our current climate of openness, we sometimes let our kids in on too much. Many well-meaning parents believe that their child will be less concerned if he understands what an argument was all about. In addition, we've picked up the misguided notion that talking to children about our own problems teaches them something important about relationships.

True, hearing you & your partner engaged in verbal battle can upset your child. But full disclosure -- unloading the nitty-gritty of a marital spat -- creates needless anxiety. Even very young children are aware of separation & divorce.

They sense -- from what they see in movies, on TV & among their friends -- that domestic life can be very fragile. You & your spouse may know that your fight is a mere blip in a solid marriage, but a child is apt to jump to a worst--case scenario: Her family is falling apart.

The Winning Words: After hearing her parents fight, a child needs to know, first, that she didn't cause it & second, that Mom & Dad are being nice to each other again.

Acknowledge that something unpleasant did, in fact, go on. Say,

examining negative "self-talk"

are we talking ourselves into a bad mood?

The night before the first closing, I felt exhausted but fantastic that everything was ready. I had worked hard to make sure the new owners felt welcome & that my family (& my cats) felt comfortable during are brief hotel stay. I was pleased w/myself & looked forward to a couple of days off in celebration of all my hard work. My self-talk was positive & supportive.

The next morning, at the pre-closing walk-thru, my husband called me from the house to ask me where the front door keys were, as they weren't on the counter as I told him. I was stunned for a moment. I was sure they were on the counter. I would have bet on it. (I'd have lost.)

Within seconds I went from feeling great to shredding myself w/negative self-talk:

“How could I be so stupid?”

“Where the heck are those stupid keys?” (Suddenly the keys were bad!)

“How humiliating! With all I’ve done well, I go & lose the front door keys!”

“I’m such an idiot!”

You get my point. The verbal battering I inflicted on myself was cruel!

I’m happy to say the keys were located about 30 minutes later, the closing went well & the buyers did indeed appreciate all of our efforts. However, during the 30 minutes between phone calls, I realized I was actually verbally abusing myself!!!

Silent words, yes, but as cutting & punishing as if spoken out loud. In spite of my husband’s gentle & firm reminders that “all was fine so I should stop beating myself up,” it took me over an hour to get myself back into a positive space.

It seemed as if I got caught in an undertow of negative self-talk. As soon as I realized I was punishing myself, I got angry at myself for being so mean & then preceded to “yell at myself” for being so judgmental.

When I realized I was caught in a downward spiral, I called a trusted friend (thanks Jeannie) & ultimately stopped the criticism, reconnected with compassion & focused on getting the lessons. Whew! It was a painful whirlwind.

THE INSIGHTS

It became clear to me just how quickly I was willing to be cruel to myself. I'd never, ever say the things I said to myself to anyone else. I'm very conscious about not wanting to hurt anyone…else. I'm also conscious of being kind, patient, honest, respectful & non-judgmental w/others, yet I was willing to harshly criticize myself.

When we correct or console a child after a mishap or mistake, the concept of “You, I love, this behavior, I dislike.” is a healthy & effective approach, yet when WE make a mistake, we often use a sharp tone & biting words on ourselves. Why is that?

In the book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz talks about this critical inner voice as the “Judge.” He talks about how important it is to recognize this inner enemy so we can mobilize against it. He, too, stresses the importance of being aware of this inner Judge so we can begin to dismiss this voice as soon as it begins.

He also explains that we will allow others to be just as cruel to us as we are to ourselves. And therefore we will not allow anyone to be crueler to us than we are to ourselves. Just think about that. It explains so much. It explains the connection between our level of self-esteem & the abuse we will or will not allow.

This view explains why some people tolerate so much & others would reject the same behavior w/out a second thought. Are our present relationships a reflection of how we're relating to ourselves? I think so. Wow! That’s some hearty food for thought.

WHY NEGATIVE SELF-TALK?

Old Habits. As kids we were taught, by experience, that when we did something wrong, we were punished. There was an automatic connection between a mistake and a penalty. As adults, many of us continue this pattern unconsciously & reprimand ourselves when we make mistakes. Sometimes it’s hard to stop the negative self-talk because, at some level, we feel we deserve to be punished. This is un-helpful for our growth & healing. Becoming aware of this habit can bring about immediate & positive changes.

Requirement for forgiveness. Some of us believe that punishment is a precursor to forgiveness. We may believe we have to endure some form of punishment, proportionate to the mistake. We may be reluctant to give up the negative self-talk, since forgiveness & self-forgiveness is important to our peace of mind. Many times we exaggerate the “crime” & grossly underestimated the impact of this harsh tactic.

Penalty for not being perfect. Today there's so much pressure on us, in so many areas of our lives, that perfection has become a minimum expectation, not just a goal for which to strive. “I’m only human,” is often offered now as an excuse whenever a mistake is made.

That's very sad & a source of tremendous pain & pressure for many of us. I call it the “98 and 2 perfection syndrome.” This is when we get a 98 on a test & then spend our time belittling ourselves for missing the 2 instead of congratulating ourselves for getting 98 correct.

It’s about where we place our attention. Perfection is a trap that guarantees our inner Judge a constant source of material since we can always do something better, faster, sooner, cheaper, etc.

False Motivation­. Some people believe that a stick is more motivating that a carrot. Both strategies can work. People do change to avoid pain &/or to seek pleasure. Pushing ourselves to action w/ verbal beatings (a stick) is common because we grew up hearing people use these tactics on others. We watched people bullied into doing things they didn’t want to do &/or be controlled via guilt or other manipulation strategies. We saw that it worked and at some level feel that is what it takes to get ourselves “in gear.”

As we look at the impact of these strategies, we can see how unloving & unkind they actually are for those involved.

ALTERNATIVES

Pay attention to your self-talk &…”Just say NO” each time that negative voice, that inner Judge, starts in on you, your worth &/or your value. Remember, it takes 21 days to create or replace a habit so be patient & persistent. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about consciously changing this hurtful habit. Talk kindly to yourself. Be supportive when you're having trouble w/something or make a mistake. This one idea can make a huge difference in your life.

Ask yourself “What would I say to my best friend if she did this or that?” Stopping the negative self-talk long enough to ask your self this question will bring you to a clear-cut choice point. When we imagine how we would help a dear friend; a gentle, loving, compassionate aspect of ourselves comes immediately to the surface. It’s palpable & it’s amazing how much kindness we can muster for others. We can make the decision to direct this flow of love towards ourselves.

Ask your best friend “What do you think about what I’ve just done?” Be willing to believe her & to take her advice. It takes strength to ask for help & it'll break your inner vicious cycle. P.S. Stay away from friends who like the “poor me” approach to life. It will not help the situation.

Recognize WHY you choose negative self-talk so you can create a new response whenever things go wrong or badly. Look at the “pay-offs’” & review the above list to see if you can understand your reasons for speaking so abusively to yourself. With this knowledge you can try new strategies & make the changes that work for you so you can become more supportive of yourself.

Give yourself a “daily mistake allowance.” When my Dad was teaching me how to drive a car w/a standard transmission, he sat in the front passenger seat & said to me, “Here’s the deal; I’ll teach you how to do this if you agree to let yourself make 25 mistakes before getting angry or frustrated w/yourself. This is complicated so give yourself permission to mess up while you're learning. Deal?” I enthusiastically agreed & proceeded to learn how to drive my Hondo Civic long before I reached my 25-mistake limit.

This approach became my own philosophy as I learned & taught others new skills. What I have just recently realized is that I could give myself the same kind of permission/allowance in living daily life. Wow! What a concept! Give ourselves permission to mess up? To be unprepared? To forget stuff? To make mistakes? It was as if a whole new way of being opened up for me. It can open up for you too, if you're willing to recognize that life isn't about being perfect. It can be about doing your best & being responsible for your impact.

The next time you find yourself engaged in negative self-talk, stop yourself & make the commitment to change this toxic habit into a nurturing approach to life. Decide that you deserve the healing power of your own love, patience & compassion.

Fire your inner negative Judge so you can hire a more positive inner Coach to help you achieve your goals, live your dreams & become the wonderful person you know you can be at your own pace, in your own way.

 

Negative Thoughts 

What's the first word that normally comes out of the mouth of babies? Think about it? Most of you will probably say, "Momma."  I've never read any statistics on that subject, but I imagine you're right. A good 2nd choice is, ‘Dada’ or something like that.

Well, my firstborn son was different. The very first word out of his mouth was "NO!" We often left him on the floor to scoot & crawl the best he could. When he got near the trash can, he would raise his little head & reach for it.

Of course, the first word out of my mouth was, "No!" My wife saw me trying to train the kid, so when it was appropriate, she added her motherly "No" as her own reinforcement. This happened over & over again.

Once in a while we would even gently slap his hand as we said, "NO!"

One day, he scooted over to the forbidden object, raised his head, turned around & looked at us & clearly said, "No!"

We laughed our heads off. It seemed so funny for a baby that young to react in such a definite way. And it was unusual to be his first word. We told other people & then we all laughed.

Now, I wonder, was it really a laughing matter? Looking back at my own childhood, I realize that I also grew up w/a lot of ‘negatives’ hanging over my head. Any religious environment has a tendency to bombard people w/warnings about things which aren't good for them. Is it any wonder then, that we grow up w/a mentality of, "No! NO! Thou shalt not!" — "No! No! No!"

When we start to develop friendships, we hear: "No! No! He does this. No! No! She does that! No! No! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Who wouldn’t say "No!" when a kid gets near the stove or when they start poking things into an electrical outlet? Why shouldn’t we say "No!" when kids are playing w/matches? There are some real dangers in life & we must put signs up which say, "No left turn" "No right turn" "No u-turn" "Do not enter" "One way only".

Who'd fault a mother for telling her kids, "Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t get in a car w/anyone you don’t know."? We should have a picture of a ‘skull & crossbones’ on the poison bottles.

We can make children retreat into a shell of defensive security which can retard their mental & emotional development. The unhappiness & misery of a parent can bleed over into the developing personality of their offspring.

On the other hand, a smile here & a kind word there can bring out the best in others. Praise & recognition for something well done can make a person want to do even better. If kids are rewarded w/ compliments for their efforts (even when they haven’t excelled) they try harder. They go on to make improvements. Keep encouraging them & their achievements will increase.

Wives & husbands are susceptible to the same things kids are. Feed them the dirt of negative reactions & they'll soon rebel against eating out of your hand. They may even start biting the hand that feeds them, because that hand never seems to feed them good feelings.

Yes, there's power in negative thinking, a destructive power. Mountains of great potential have been squashed by negative attitudes within a person or from others around them.

Let me tell you a story about George. George Dantzig was a mathematics graduate student at a university in California. As usual, George arrived late in class & quickly copied the two math problems from the blackboard. He assumed they were the homework assignment.

He went to work on them that evening & found out this was the most difficult assignment the professor had ever assigned. Night after night he tried to solve first one problem & then the other. Even though he wasn’t successful, he kept at it in dogged determination.

Several days later, he came upon the breakthrough he'd been seeking for & solved both problems. He took the homework to class the next day & left it on the professor’s desk along w/a mountain of clutter which was already there. He remembers worrying about whether it would get lost in the shuffle or not, but he left it anyway.

Let me tell you a story about George. George Dantzig was a mathematics graduate student at a university in California. As usual, George arrived late in class & quickly copied the two math problems from the blackboard. He assumed they were the homework assignment.

Six weeks later, he was awakened by a pounding on the door. It was his professor – on a Sunday morning! "George! George!" the professor shouted, "You solved them! You solved them."

"Yes, of course!" George said. And then asked, "Wasn’t I supposed to?" That’s when the professor explained that the two problems he had copied down weren't homework; they were two famous outstanding problems that the leading mathematicians hadn't been able to solve. The professor was astounded that in a few days George had solved them both!

George now reflects on that event & says: "If someone had told me that they were two famous unsolved problems, I probably wouldn’t have even tried to solve them. It goes to show the power of positive thinking." George is now a professor at Stanford University.

George mentioned the power of positive thinking. But, think about it. Wasn’t it really the absence of negative thinking which allowed him to try, to keep on trying & to persevere until he succeeded?

It’s so easy to slip into negative reactions to life & all the stress that it brings upon us. It’s even easier to erupt w/negative feelings against the negative actions of others around us.

So, guess what, the home, our sanctuary in life is often a seedbed of negative storms which threaten to destroy us. Is it possible to reverse that trend? I believe so! The question is: "How?" But, anyone can come up with a question. Who is going to give us the answer?

Well, for my own sake, I’m going to begin experimenting w/all the options I've available. I’m going to think aloud for a few minutes as I try to plan my strategy for success. I encourage you to listen to my plan & then develop a plan of your own.

We’ve heard it said: "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." There are so many things in life we could change if we would only stop long enough to ‘plan’ how we will make those changes. If we don’t plan to be different - we won’t. So, let's give it a try.

1. I’m going to look at my problems in a calm & detached manner. When we're emotionally involved in a problem our thinking is often clouded by our feelings. In trying to solve other people’s problems, I have often come up w/excellent advice. Then I look at my own similar problems & ask myself, "Why don’t you do that yourself?" The solution which seemed so obvious for them eluded me because of my emotional reactions to a personal situation.

Hysteria in a crisis is never good. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don’t panic!" That just means, "Calm down or you're going to wipe out any possibility of good thinking!" A building can be on fire & someone will jump from the 7th floor & kill themselves.

Thirty-five other people on the same floor will do the 6 things that are necessary to stay alive until help comes - but only because they didn’t panic! They don’t get over-emotional about the problem. They keep a clear head. Well, the same principle can work for me in less drastic situations. I’m going to try it.

3. I’m going to accept the negativity in others & plan accordingly. I have practiced defensive driving for many years. I don’t trust other drivers. No matter what their blinker says, I don’t move out in front of them until they actually start making their turn. When someone is making a wrong move on the freeway, I don’t try to correct them, I just make sure their stupidity doesn’t ruin my day & wreck my car. I make allowances for the mistakes of others & avoid head-on collisions. I try to do the same in my personal life. If I can’t change their personality, I will find a way to maneuver around their quirks.

4. I will develop positive responses to negative people & negative situations. Negative reactions to negative people is a double negative. I'm going to correct that problem in my own life, as much as I can. I’ve often said, "Automatic reactions are often wrong reactions."

Negative views

Beck's cognitive therapy states that somewhere in childhood the depressed-to-be person develops a negative view of the self, the world & the future: "I'm no good," "the world ain't fair" & "it won't work out."

Each of these negative views gets expanded into detailed beliefs: "I'm dumb," "I can't talk intelligently," "I'm ugly too" & on & on. These negative assumptions seem to be held on a very primitive level; facts don't influence these beliefs, so they never get questioned or tested against reality.

For a brillant investigation of the development of self-critical beliefs at an early age, see Carol Dweck's studies of mastery-oriented thinking. These negative views just lie dormant even while more rational evaluations of self, world & future may also be developed & used as we mature into adults.

Then later in life, when the self is hit w/some serious loss or stress, often one that reminds us of a loss or trauma at an early age, the old unreasonable & destructive negative ideas suddenly take over & dominate our thinking.