|
Hurricane Katrina - brought out lots of anger, disgust & feelings of neglect....
 
In Mississippi, a feeling of neglect
Some survivors say officials, media too focused on New Orleans Updated: 2:55 p.m. ET
Sept. 4, 2005
JACKSON, Miss. - Mississippi hurricane survivors looked around Saturday and wondered just how long it would
take to get food, clean water and shelter. And they were more than angry at the federal government and the national news media.
Richard Gibbs was disgusted by reports of looting in New Orleans and upset at the lack of attention hurricane victims
in his state were getting.
“I say burn the bridges and let ’em all rot there,” he said. “We’re
suffering over here too, but we’re not killing each other. We’ve got to help each other. We need gas and food and water and medical supplies.”
Gibbs and his wife, Holly, have been stuck at their flooded
home in Gulfport just off the Biloxi River. Water comes up to the 2nd floor, they're out of gasoline and food supplies are
running perilously low.
Until recently, they also had Holly’s 75-year-old father, who has a
pacemaker and severe diabetes, with them. Finally they got an ambulance to take him to the airport so he could be airlifted
to Lafayette, La., for medical help.
Mississippi’s death toll from Hurricane Katrina
stood at 161 on Sunday, MSNBC TV reported.
‘Doing what I can do’
In poverty-stricken north
Gulfport, Grover Chapman was angry at the lack of aid.
“Something should’ve been on this corner 3 days ago,” Chapman, 60, said Saturday as
he whipped up dinner for his neighbors.
He used wood from his demolished produce
stand to cook fish, rabbit, okra and butter beans he’d been keeping in his freezer. Although many houses here, about
5 miles inland, are still standing, they're severely damaged. Corrugated tin roofs lie scattered on the ground.
“I’m just doing what I can do,” Chapman said. “These people support me with my produce stand every day. Now it’s time to pay them back.”
One neighbor, 78-year-old Georgia Smylie, knew
little about what’s happening elsewhere. She was too worried about her own situation.
“My medicine is running out. I need high blood pressure medicine, medicine for my heart,” she said.
Analyst's perspective
Larry
Sabato, a Univ. of Virginia political scientist, said he’s been watching hours of Katrina coverage every
day and most of the national media attention has focused on the devastation and looting in New Orleans.
“Mississippi needs more coverage,” Sabato said. “Until people see it on TV, they don’t think it’s real.”
Along the battered Mississippi Gulf Coast, crews started
searching boats for corpses on Saturday. Several shrimpers are believed to have died as they tried to ride out the storm aboard their boats on the Intracoastal Waterway.
President Bush toured ravaged areas of the Mississippi coast on Friday with Gov. Haley Barbour and other state
officials. They also flew over flooded New Orleans.
“I’m going to tell you, Mississippi got hit much harder than they did, but what happened in the
aftermath - it makes your stomach hurt to go miles and miles and miles and the houses are all under water up to the roof,” Barbour said.
‘How many days later?’
Keisha Moran
has been living in a tent in a department store parking lot in Bay St. Louis with her boyfriend and 3 young children since
the hurricane struck. She said National Guardsmen have brought her water but no other aid so far and she was furious that it took Bush several days before he came to see the damage in Mississippi.
“It’s
how many days later? How many people are dead?” Moran said.
In a strongly worded Saturday editorial, The Sun Herald of Biloxi-Gulfport pleaded for help and questioned why
a massive National Guard presence wasn’t already visible.
“We understand that New Orleans also was devastated by Hurricane Katrina, but surely this nation has the resources to rescue both that metropolitan (area)
and ours,” the newspaper editorialized, saying survival basics like ice, gasoline and medicine have been too slow to
arrive.
“We aren't calling on the nation and the state to make
life more comfortable in South Mississippi, we're calling on the nation and the state to make life here possible,” the paper wrote.
© 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not
be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
 In times of natural disaster, you will most likely begin to
feel neglected more times than not. Remember... a natural disaster is chaotic and it takes time for people to get to you to
first of all:
- first responders - for injuries, deaths or other medical needs
(chronic illnesses - heart attacks - high blood pressure, etc.)
- stabilize you: rescue, find family members, find safety, (lodging
within an emergency shelter)
- help you with your priorities
Sometime during your disaster you will begin
to notice that your emotions and feelings are extremely intensified. You may not notice it at first, but you will feel very
strongly about everything happening. The reason for this?
Loneliness will be one feeling you have that will happen because perhaps you are alone, perhaps you can't find your remaining loved
ones or just because you have no one to turn to. Everyone is experiencing the same thing. Our loneliness can be a sign of
our individual journey through the disaster. You may not know how to cope with this tremendous experience. This is normal.
Expect it and take time to feel it.
Fear will visit you because you are so out of control of the situation and you have never had to deal with or cope with such an
extreme experience. You are overwhelmed. You may not know what to do and that in itself causes more fear. Keep in touch with
your fear and don't let it rule you, but use it wisely to guide you in every decision you make.
You may feel extreme anger or rage. Anger and rage are secondary emotions and come after not being able to process the initial emotion or feeling. You
may be frightened, but it comes out like anger.
With every single natural disaster comes frustrations. No one will be moving fast enough, not enough will be getting accomplished and everything you try to do will most likely
end up in failure. Bear with the frustration, and mostly recognize that you're frustrated. Take more breaks and then give
someone else who looks frustrated a big hug.
Neglect Trauma
by Linda Marks
The culture we live in is
full of extreme contradictions and paradoxes. While there are more and more possibilities for gaining access to information and
resources all over the world, we're growing more and more isolated from each other physically and emotionally.
"Connection" has become what your modem can offer through the world of the internet and e-mail. Relating face to face is becoming more
archaic as busy people just don't have time to be together regularly or frequently. The tasks of daily life - doing - have
taken precedence over being in most of our lives.
While some of us are lonely and depression has become a more familiar topic in the mainstream media, it's sometimes scary how well we have learned to "do it alone" in life. The modern lifestyle seems to be inculturating loss or at least delegation of primary relationships away from their
biological or familial roots from the beginning to the end of life.
A dad of a 3 year old I met
this morning at Drumlin Farm made a chilling comment to me. "What has our world come to," he asked, "when the two tasks we
used to take most for granted as the main purpose and function of the family - childcare and eldercare - have been taken over
by industry so fully that both childcare and eldercare industries are burgeoning?"
He knew the chilling feeling well. His 3 year old had been in daycare from her earliest days and his newborn daughter, just 2 weeks old, has another month
before daycare will be her 5 day a week destination.
While perhaps we have more
structures and options to provide for our material needs, our emotional, spiritual and relational needs have become secondary. Trauma, isolation, numbness and despair have become commonplace in modern life. Somewhere along the way human beings as a species have lost touch with both the needs and the importance of the soul.
"The Guided Self Healing"
work influenced by Judith Swack and developed by Andy Hahn and Terrence Real's insightful book, I Don't Want To Talk About It, offer powerful windows into the root cause of our common experience of trauma, isolation, numbness and despair.
The Nature of Trauma
The body does not distinguish
between psychological and physical trauma. Ramsay Coolidge, a Guided Self-Healing practitioner and teacher notes,
"Both become an energetic
wound that sets a template that then becomes the basis of responding to future experiences, even after the original event
is forgotten."
Trauma is a layered energetic pattern consisting of emotions - shock/fear, anger/rage, sadness, hurt/pain; mental beliefs - who is at fault, trust, power and powerlessness, safety and responsibility and physical experience - boundary violations and pain.
"Birth
trauma reveals to us the newborn is far more than a conscious mind and body. The newborn makes crucial decisions
and chooses values to live from for its life. The infant is open to all of life and accepts all experiences as a way of organizing beliefs and values about how the world works."
Ramsay told a story of a client
she worked with whose dad didn't attend her birth. To compound this, the doctor who attended her birth was late for some event
he wanted to get to, so as soon as she was born, he took off.
As an infant, she took in
and imprinted that experience as part of her multi-level beliefs about life. Her experience formed the belief, "Men don't want to be around me and don't show up for me." Deeply held beliefs like this color our experience in life. It's no surprise that this woman had difficulty in relationships with men.
"The choice point only lasts
a moment," Ramsay explains, "but freezes there and forms the underlying beliefs about how the world works.
You're like a deer in front of headlights, caught and frozen in time. Imagine jamming the reception on
a radio and the annoying static that follows. From this traumatized place, reception of the subtle messages of your deep intuitive knowing is dose to impossible."
The Neglect Trauma
Scientist
and clinician Judith Swack has noted the experience of "neglect trauma." While most traumas have recognized events, neglect trauma is the result of a non-event event.
Neglect
trauma typically occurs during infancy, from conception to 18 to 22 month of age. It occurs when the infant or baby is totally dependent on the caretakers for food, shelter, love, nurturance and safety.
i.e., Ramsay
cites ideas from standard pediatric practice during the 1900's through the 1940's to let a child
cry it out so they wouldn't be spoiled.
It was also advised to adhere
to a regular feeding schedule not determined by the child. These practices neglected the
baby's real needs. "Finally in 1946, Dr. Spock reversed the pediatrician -recommended trends that neglected
babies, wherein a baby's cry for help (love, food, safety or nurturance) would be met with the absence of parental response.
This inflicts incredible pain,
bringing on increased, crying and screaming which is further ignored and leaves the baby in more pain. After a long period of screaming, the baby becomes quiet and docile.
The parent believes all is well. All isn't well. Infancy is a foundational ego developmental stage when the baby learns to form hope & an enduring belief that one can attain one's deep & essential wishes," Ramsay notes.
When a baby is deprived at this level, they initially show less distress at being separated from their mother or being alone. They are less able to form emotional attachments & bonds with other people later in life.
They've learned to live with
a degree of isolation from self, family & life which becomes the foundation for relating all thru life.
Ramsay notes that neglect trauma symptoms in adults are identified primarily as not being able to get what you need, especially with intimate partners.
"There may be also the formation
of compulsive, independent & self-sufficient behavior which is derived from a person not believing that s/he may ask for what s/he needs."
Our world operates with &
perpetuates a model of excessive self-reliance, sometime to a degree
one could call pathological self-reliance.
Active Trauma & Passive Trauma
Swack's concept of neglect trauma parallels Terrence Real's concept of passive trauma. Real differentiates active trauma - usually boundary violation of some kind, a clearly toxic interaction & passive trauma - a form of emotional or physical neglect.
In his book I Don't
Want to Talk About It, Real notes,
"Rather than a violent presence,
passive trauma may be defined as a violent lack - the absence of nurture & responsibilities normally expected of a caregiver, the absence of connection."
He takes this further.
"In the instance of active
trauma, a boy might come home with a badly scraped knee & torn, bloody pants only to have his father scream at him for ruining
his clothes. In an instance of passive trauma, a boy would show up with a badly scraped knee & the father would promise to be there in a moment only to stay on a business
call for another 10 minutes while the boy waits beside him, bleeding."
Real cites that most domestic violence experts estimate passive trauma occurs at least twice as frequently as active abuse. Richard Gelle a pioneer in violence research, estimates that 1 in 11 children - 4 to 5 million each year - suffers from
some form of extreme neglect.
Real takes this a step further,
"I think not touching a child for decades at a time is a form of injury. I think withholding any expression of love until a young boy is a grown man is a form of emotional violence. And I believe that the violence men level against themselves & others is bred from just such circumstances."
Both violence & neglect are central to the socialization of men in our culture. The resulting coldness, emotional numbness & rejection set up a template to bounce the call of neglect & isolation back & forth between male & female genders & from one generation to the next. The disconnection & isolation so characteristic of life today reflects the results of neglect trauma or passive trauma being passed down thru the generations.
Perpetrating Masculinity
Terrence Real entitles a chapter
of his book "Perpetrating Masculinity." The words are chilling & real. He notes that little boys & girls
start off with similar psychological profiles.
They're equally emotional,
expressive & dependent, equally desirous of physical affection.
"At the youngest ages, both
boys & girls are more like a stereotypical girl. If any differences exist, little boys are, in fact slightly more sensitive & expressive than little girls. They cry more easily when frustrated, appear more upset when a caregiver leaves the room. Until the age of 4 or 5, both boys & girls rest comfortably in what one researcher has called 'the expressive-affiliate mode.' Studies indicate that girls are permitted to remain in
that mode while boys are subtly - or forcibly - pushed out of it."
Real makes a powerful point:
"If traditional socialization takes aim at girls' voices, it takes aim at boys' hearts."
In many homes, violent
fathers pass on active trauma to their sons as if toughness were a gift, a necessary initiation. Yet Real notes, the key component of a boy's healthy relationship
to his father is affection, not "masculinity."
"The boys who fare poorly in
their psychological adjustment are not those without fathers, but those with abusive or neglectful fathers."
There's pressure on mothers to let go of their sons too early before the son is ready. Psychologist William Pollock defines the 'mother wound,' not as "the wound of the stereotypical mother who won't let go, but the wound of the mother who, in compliance to society's fear & rules, lets go too early."
Real makes the important points,
"the true meaning of psychological separation is
maturity & we humans stand a better chance of maturing if we don't disconnect from one another...What maturity truly requires is the replacement of childish forms of closeness w/more adult forms of closeness, not dislocation. There are virtually no images in this culture representing close, mature ties between men & their mothers. Maturity & connection are set up as choices that exclude one another."
Boys live under a social mandate
that instructs them to turn away not just from the mother, but also from intimacy itself & from cultivating or even grasping the values & skills
that sustain deep emotional connection. A boy's rejection to the feminine in him leads to rejection of expressivity & rejection of vulnerability.
Unfortunately, once a person
is traumatized in this way, it impacts his behavior towards himself
& towards other people - men & women, children & adult. The desensitization that comes with traumatizing boys in their passage toward
manhood leads to insensitivity & neglect or traumatization of
all those who become close to or dependent on such men.
"Recovery is
linked to opposing the force of disconnection & reentering the world of relationship. A man can't recover from either overt or covert depression & remain emotionally numb at the same time. He can't be related & walled off simultaneously; he can't be intimate with others before establishing intimate terms with his own heart."
Healing Pathways
Trauma creates a dissociated trance state for the trauma survivor. The trance state becomes the lens thru which the trauma survivor responds to & experiences life. Ramsay notes,
"the true root cause of a trauma must be found to clear it. Otherwise, the patterns or symptoms resulting from the trauma occur repeatedly like a bad grade B movie. Unless the root cause of this pattern is found, one is merely working on the ripples
of the trauma & not the location where the stone landed & no lasting relief is achieved,"
notes Ramsay. Conventional therapy may work towards the goal of finding the root cause, but the model is extremely limited "due to engaging only the conscious mind & memory." The root cause can
be accessed thru the body at a soul level.
Body-centered & energetic therapies are essential for gaining access to & working w/the root cause of trauma. In the case of neglect trauma, body-centered psychospiritual therapy can also provide the missing experience of what the neglected child or adult really needs.
Present day body symptoms
- a pressure in the chest, a sense of numbness or feeling nothing - in Ramsay Coolidge's words, "are connected & are the fuel of the time machine that take us back to the root cause."
Trauma survivors often experience a variety of physical & psychological symptoms that have roots in their traumatic experience.
Terrence Real tells the story
of a client he calls David whose father was violent & abusive with him as a boy. David suffered from both physical & psychological difficulties whose roots could be traced to the
trauma & abuse.
"In an attempt to escape his own depression, David let himself sink into behaviors - like irritability, dominance, drinking & emotional unavailability - that pushed away the very people whom he most loved & needed. He couldn't sleep without sleeping pills. He was bothered more & more by stomachs & backaches which his internist
chalked up to stress."
Terrence describes some critical
moments in David's healing process where he reconnects w/the experience of the scared, angry young boy who was emotionally & physically abused by his father.
"Deep inside his bullying & drinking, lay that little boy. The depressed part of David, the unacknowledged child, waited in darkness, resentfully, for its moment in the light, wreaking havoc on anyone near. When David courageously allowed the pain he had carried within him for decades to break thru to the surface, his vulnerability
drew the people he loved back toward him."
While Real doesn't discuss
this, I wouldn't be surprised if David's emotional & physical health also greatly improved as he accessed, released &
healed some of the roots of his pain.
It's sad & sometimes overwhelming to see the impact of neglect trauma on us both individually & culturally.
Yet, the evolution & growing
availability of body-centered & energetic approaches to healing offers hope both for those of us living today & for the next generation. I sincerely hope that more & more of us find the healing tools that both release us from decades of buried pain & allow us to be more
loving & compassionate to our children, friends & co-habitants of this planet Earth.
Linda Marks, MSM, has practiced heart-centered, psychospiritual
body-centered psychotherapy for 16 years. She's founder of the Institute for Emotional-Kinesthetic Psychotherapy in Newton
& author of LIVING WITH VISION: RECLAIMING THE POWER OF THE HEART (Knowledge Systems, 1988). She has taught
& spoken nationally & internationally & has been a leader in the emerging field of somatic psychology. She lives
in Newton, MA w/her 4 year old son, Alexander. Linda's new book EMBODYING THE SOUL: DANCING INTO LIFE is due
for release in the spring of 2001. You can contact her at (617)965-7846 or LSMHEART@aol.com
Neglect
"Neglected Child"
means a child less than 18 years of age whose physical,
mental or emotional condition has been impaired or is in danger of becoming impaired as a result of the failure of the child's legal guardian to exercise a minimum degree of care in supplying the child with adequate food, clothing, shelter, or education or medical care.
Neglect also occurs
when the legal guardian fails to provide the child with proper supervision or guardianship by allowing the child to be harmed, or to be at risk of harm
which includes when the guardian misuses drugs or alcohol him/herself.
Observable Indicators
- dirty skin
- offensive body odor
- unwashed, uncombed hair
- tattered, under or oversized and unclean clothing
- dressed in clothing that is inappropriate to weather
or situation
- frequently left unsupervised or alone for periods of time (Note: This is the most frequent cause of child death and
should not be minimized)
Indicators of Poor Health
- drowsiness, easily fatigued
- puffiness under the eyes
- frequent untreated upper respiratory infections
- itching, scratching, long existing skin eruptions
- frequent diarrhea
- bruises, lacerations or cuts that are infected
- untreated illnesses
- physical complaints not responded to by parent
Indicators of Malnutrition
- begging for or stealing food
- frequently hungry
- rummaging through garbage pails for food
- gorging self, eating in large gulps
- hoarding food
- obesity
- overeating junk foods
Indicators in Infants and Toddlers
- listlessness
- poor responsiveness
- does not often smile, cry, laugh, play, relate to others
- lacks interest, curiosity
- rocks, bangs head, sucks hair, thumb, finger,
- tears at body
- is overly self-stimulating,
self-comforting
- doesn't turn to parent for help or comfort
- hospitalization for failure to thrive - regresses upon return to home
- unduly over or under active for no apparent purpose
Indicators in Children
- cries easily when hurt even slightly
- comes to school without breakfast
- has no lunch or lunch money
- needs dental care, glasses
- falls asleep in class
- often seems in a fog or dream world
- comes to school early, doesn't want to go home
- sees self as failure
- troublesome at school
- does no homework, refuses to try
- destroys completed written work
- destroys books, assignments and learning aids or toys
- is withdrawn, overactive, underactive and/or lethargic
(depressed)
- is cruel to classmates
- lies, steals from classmates, school
- breaks objects or damages school property
- frequently absent or late for school
Indicators with Parents and Family
- promises but doesn't follow up on recommendations
- fails to keep appointments and/or refuses help from school or other resources
- abuses alcohol or other drugs
- lifestyle of relative isolation from relatives, friends
- history of abuse or neglect as a child
- disorganized, chaotic home life
- history of chronic illness
- gives impression of resignation and feeling that nothing
makes much difference anyway
- failure to provide supervision of children (This is the most frequent cause of child death and shouldn't
be minimized)
NOTE Again, any one of these indicators could be attributable to a specific life event or other
trauma. A pattern of behavior is the strongest indicator of abuse and shouldn't be ignored.
Thoughts
of the Day 8/11/99 -- Feeling Neglected
"There is nothing that can
be and not be at the same time."
Today I was driving the same
route home from work that I always take. It's a one-mile drive that includes one stop light & one stop sign. I live in
Redwood Shores, which is a small community built on the little peninsula where Marine World Africa U.S.A. used to be.
The entire community is no
larger than a few miles by a few miles, & most of the people who live here are software professionals. Our homes are built
in the shadow of the gigantic Oracle campus, whose silver reflective buildings stand like sentinels & whose countenance
is recognizable from miles away.
On my quiet drive home thru
the upper-middle class suburbia, there's a community sign posted in the grass divider in the middle of the road. It's one
of those signs that has removable letters & room for about 5 lines of text. It's the kind of sign that you usually see
perched above a high school, announcing events such as the homecoming football game or the senior prom.
The sign in Redwood Shores
is often used to announce town hall meetings or to remind the citizens to vote during an election. I don't know who's responsible for updating the sign, but today it had the most interesting message:
"There is nothing that
can be & not be at the same time."
I don't know whether the "sign
person" was bored & decided to spout philosophy in lieu of the town announcements. In any case, I was pondering this quote for the
rest of my commute home. (In another words, for the next 85 seconds).
On one level, I believe that this quote is telling us that we have to make commitments in our lives. There is no state where something can both exist & not exist at the same time.
Likewise, there's no path
in life where remaining uncommitted is a possibility. If you believe you can succeed w/out committing to something wholly, then you're living in an illusion. Personally, I really agree w/ this
idea.
In a distant way, I believe that this quote has some relevance in my life right now. I've become a lot busier at work in the past few months & I've
not had a lot of time to just sit & think.
I remember back during spring,
I had very little to do at work & I would spend many hours daydreaming. There were moments when I felt a spiritual clairvoyance
that I'd not experienced before & I felt a certain insight into my own life & into the nature of the human spirit.
There were moments when I'd
witness something as basic as a sunset from the 5th floor of my office building, but I'd feel something stir deep within my
soul.
Lately, my thoughts have been a lot more worldly & I believe that my busy schedule is partly responsible for that. Although it isn't a bad thing to focus on one's career, there are moments when I miss
the clarity of thought I had this past spring.
It feels as if my mind was
the running water of a mountain river, icy clear & fresh from the melted snow-capped peaks. Now that water is building
up in a dam at the base of the mountains & forming a huge reservoir in the basin.
I guess when you concern yourself w/the details of everyday living (especially the details of your job),
you don't leave yourself w/much time to think of grander things. In many ways, I think the dreamer inside of me has been feeling neglected recently. Oh well. I'm sure that I'll
have time to think of philosophy & spirituality after we finish w/ this project at work.
Here's a funny little side
note: I'm listening to "Making Love (Out of Nothing at All)" by Air Supply. Don't get me
wrong, I really like Air Supply, but they have to have the cheesiest songs in the whole world! They built their entire library
of songs out of sappy ballads.
"And I know the night is fading...And
I know the time is going to fly. And I'm never going to tell you everything I've got to tell you, but I know I've gotta give
it a try..."
Man, these guys are the ultimate
cheese - balls. I saw them on a VH-1 special the other week & they're now old sappy guys. And still singing the same songs.
8/11/99
Feeling Neglected
One of the things that young
people get mad about is feeling left out or neglected. Some feel that they don't get as much attention as
before & they often are right. Family members, including your parents, all have a lot on their minds & they may have
to put all their energy into helping the person w/cancer. This may not leave much time for you, especially if they're going
back & forth to the clinic or hospital.
Young people often feel that
the brother or sister w/cancer gets more attention from their parents.
"At night my parents go in
& turn on my sister's light & kiss her good night & they don't come in my room-well, sometimes mom will. She tells
me, 'Don't think we are partial to her.' " Maria, age 15
Young people may feel that
their sibling w/cancer gets away w/a lot of things that they can't do.
"If I do something wrong,
mom yells. If my brother does, she lets it pass." Dennis, age 13
Why do some parents do this?
It's not because they don't love all their children. This is a confusing time for them, just as it is for you. They have to learn a lot about cancer & hospitals very fast.
They're tired
& worried. They see one of their children sick & may try to make up for it by giving that child a little more attention. Parents know, as you do, that some people die from cancer & they could be afraid of that & want to do all they can for your brother or sister who has cancer. Sometimes they give a young person w/cancer
special treatment that isn't wanted.
"I have a sister who has cancer.
She gets upset because she's treated differently now. She doesn't want to be
babied, just treated normally as she was before. She & mom always used to fight & now mom is really sweet all the
time & it's weird. Not that my sister likes to fight, but it's just not normal." Peggy,
age 15
For whatever reason &
whether your brother or sister likes it or not, your parents may give special treatment to the one who has cancer. At times
like this, it's normal to feel jealous, even if people tell you that you shouldn't because you're not sick. But it's natural for you
to want time w your parents & some special attention, too.
Young people who have a parent
w/cancer also may feel neglected.
"Now that mom's sick, everything
at our house is different. We hardly ever eat together as a family anymore & there's never anyone to help me w/ my homework
or to listen to me. Mom used to do that. I feel like it's sort of being left up to me to take care of myself." Martha, age 13
When one parent has cancer,
the other one may be so busy that neither one of them can spend much time w/the rest of the family.
"Sometimes, my father feels
like he's neglecting us because he's w/mom so much. And, in a way, it's true.
I know he can't help it. He has to work & wants to see mom, but he's not around like he used to be & he doesn't do
things w/us like he did. He's just too busy." Barry, age 16
If you feel like you're not
getting much attention, whether you have a parent or a brother or sister w/cancer, remember that the person w/cancer is getting more attention because they need special care not because you're loved less.
Civil, Criminal & Administration Remedies
in Cases of Abuse, Neglect & Financial Exploitation of the Elderly
by Martha L. Ridgway
Ridgway, Romeo & Vincent, LLC
Posted
by permission
Introduction
As w/other professionals who
work w/senior citizens, lawyers have observed a shocking increase in the incidents of abuse, neglect & financial exploitation of the elderly.
Cases are brought to our attention
from many different sources: the elder himself or herself, a concerned family member, friends & neighbors, social workers, adult protection workers, medical personnel, financial institutions,
senior centers & programs, clergy & even other lawyers.
When faced w/a case of abuse, neglect or financial exploitation of an elder, the attorney can recommend & pursue a number of legal options. This paper will review the statistical realities
of the aging population; define the terms abuse, neglect & financial exploitation; identify who the most common perpetrators are; analyze why our elders are mistreated; examine what characteristics make
the elderly particularly vulnerable & address the legal remedies available to the elder & how he or she can fight back.
Statistical Analysis of the Aging Population
It's no secret that our population
is rapidly aging. With more elders, there are more people to victimize
& greater opportunities to abuse, neglect & financially exploit.
Consider how the following
statistics affect the incidents of abuse, neglect & financial exploitation of the elderly.
By the year 2030, there will
be 70 million older persons, which is more than twice the number in 1990 & which will represent 20% of the population.
Shockingly, 2/3 of all people who have ever lived longer than 65 years are alive today.
Of great significance is the
fact that the older population is getting older, w/those age 85 & over representing the fastest growing segment of the
elder population.
The fact that women typically
outlive men represents another factor in the increase in abuse, neglect & financial exploitation. After age 60, women increasingly outnumber men. Significantly, older men are nearly twice as likely to be married (77%)
than are older women (43%). Not surprisingly, there are nearly 5 times as many widows as there are widowers.
Why is this country experiencing
such an "age boom?" First, people are living longer.
The life expectancy in 1900
was only 47. People who reach age 65 now have an average life expectancy of an additional 17.3 years.
Second, the "baby boomers,"
those born between 1946 & 1964, are aging. The most rapid increases in age are expected to occur between 2010 & 2030, when this generation reaches age 65.
Financial factors also contribute
to abuse, neglect & financial exploitation of the elderly.
Medical considerations constitute
another factor in abuse, neglect & financial exploitation of the elderly. Most older persons have at least one chronic condition. The most frequently occurring conditions per 100
elderly in 1993 were:
- arthritis (49)
- hypertension (35)
- heart disease & hearing impairments (31 each)
- orthopedic impairments (18)
- cataracts & sinusitis (15 each)
- diabetes, tinnitus & visual impairments (10 each)
Approximately 85% of people
age 65 & older are farsighted. As people age, they lose night & peripheral vision.
Approximately 70% of men &
30% of women age 65 & older have some degree of hearing loss.
Nationally, approximately
10 to 15% of individuals age 65 & over will develop a major depression, which represents the most common form of mental illness experienced by older adults.
In 1990, 1.6 million Americans
age 65 or older (5%) lived in nursing homes. This percentage increased dramatically w/age, ranging from
- 1% for persons 65-74 years
- 6% for persons 75-84
- 24% for persons 85 & older
Statistics concerning the
incidents of elder abuse, neglect & financial exploitation are scant at best. It's been estimated that as many as 10% of older adults are victimized by elder abuse.
However, only 1 in 8 abuse incidents is actually reported. Many of us who work w/the elderly suspect that abuse, neglect & financial exploitation are far more prevalent, to the point of representing a national crisis & scandal.
Defining the Terms Abuse, Neglect & Financial Exploitation of the Elderly
Definitions of abuse, neglect & financial exploitation are found in Colorado law in the Protective Services for Adults at Risk of Mistreatment or Self-Neglect Act, C.R.S. 26-3.1-102-106 & in other sources such as the American Association of Retired
Person's publication Domestic Mistreatment of the Elderly -- Towards Prevention, written by Richard L. Douglass, M.P.H., Ph.D.,
in 1987.
A. Abuse
Abuse generally falls into two categories: physical abuse & psychological abuse.
The definition of abuse under Colorado law is:
...infliction of physical pain or injury, as demonstrated by,
but not limited to:
- substantial or multiple skin bruising
- bleeding
- malnutrition
- dehydration
- burns
- bone fractures
- poisoning
- subdural hematoma
- soft tissue swelling
- or suffocation
- ... unreasonable confinement or restraint
- ... nonconsensual sexual conduct or contact classified as a
crime under the 'Colorado Criminal Code' of an at-risk adult. (C.R.S. 18-6.5-101-106.)
B. Neglect
Pursuant to Colorado law,
neglect occurs when:
- adequate food
- clothing
- shelter
- psychological care
- physical care
- medical care
- supervision
isn't secured for the at-risk adult
or isn't provided by a caretaker in a timely manner & with the degree of care that a reasonable person in the same situation
would exercise...." C.R.S. 26-3.1-101(4)(b).
In Domestic Mistreatment
of the Elderly -- Towards Prevention, neglect is divided into 2 categories:
(1) passive neglect, which is defined as "the unintentional failure to fulfill a caretaking obligation; there is no conscious or willful attempt to inflict physical or emotional distress on the older person."
Examples include "non-provision
of food or health-related services because of the caregiver's infirmity, laziness, or inadequate skills, knowledge, or understanding of the necessity of prescribed or other essential services."
(2) Active neglect, which is defined as "the intentional failure to fulfill a caretaking obligation, including a conscious & willful attempt to inflict physical or emotional stress or injury on the older person."
Examples include "deliberate abandonment, deliberate denial of food or health-related services, depriving of dentures or eyeglasses."
Another category of neglect is self-neglect, in which the elder fails to properly care for himself or herself.
C. Financial Exploitation
Colorado law defines exploitation
as
...the illegal or improper use of an at-risk adult or the at-risk adult's resources for another person's profit or
advantage.
Dr. Douglass includes in his
definition of "material (financial) abuse" the "illegal, or unethical exploitation &/or
use of funds, property, or other assets belonging to the older person."
Another interesting &
somewhat unusual definition of financial exploitation is found in the Journal of Legal Medicine in an article entitled, "The
Physician's Role in Detecting & Reporting Elder Abuse," written in 1982 by Palinesar & Cobb.
The authors state:
Financial abuse typically
occurs in one of two forms. It may be the misuse of the elderly person's funds by another person, usually a caretaker or close
relative; or, a caretaker may withhold medical attention or refrain from making necessary expenditures for the elderly person's
benefit in order to conserve funds for inheritance.
Examples of financial exploitation
include:
- stealing property & money
- using the elder's money &/or credit cards
- transferring title to assets, i.e., the home or financial accounts,
cashing in CDs, money markets, life insurance policies, etc.
Identifying the Most Common Perpetrators
of Abuse, Neglect & Financial Exploitation
Unfortunately, nearly anyone
can be a perpetrator of abuse, neglect or financial exploitation of the elderly, either
thru ignorance, inexperience, failure to act or intentional acts. Well meaning caregivers, weary from the demands of catering
to an elder, may forget to administer medication.
Or, in a moment of extreme
stress, a daughter may handle her elderly father too roughly & curse at him for soiling himself. Or, while running errands
for an elder, a friend may buy a few items for himself & pay for it w/the elder's funds, justifying it because, after
all, he, the friend, has done so much for the elder.
Those who are perpetrators
of abuse, neglect & financial exploitation of the elderly tend to fall into specific
categories. These include the following:
1. Spouse caregivers;
2. Adult child or other family
member caregivers;
3. Caregivers who are unrelated
to the elder;
4. Those serving as a fiduciary
for the elder, e.g., guardians, conservators,trustees, agents under a power of attorney & personal representatives;
5. Medical facilities &
personnel, including hospitals, nursing homes, assisted living facilities & board & care homes;
6. Financial facilities &
personnel, including stock brokers, insurance agents & accountants;
7. Others in a position of
trust, e.g., lawyers & those who offer to "help" the elder w/paying bills, depositing money, filing health insurance claims,
etc.
8. Strangers perpetrating
various "scams," notably telephone fraud.
Why Are Our Elders Mistreated?
In analyzing the problem of
elder abuse, neglect and financial exploitation, it's important to identify why senior citizens are particularly vulnerable to mistreatment.
In April 1990, the Subcommittee
on Health and Long-Term Care of the Select Committee on Aging of the House of Representatives issued a report entitled Elder
Abuse: A Decade of Shame and Inaction. The report addressed the primary reasons for mistreatment of the elderly as follows.
1.
Retaliation. If the adult child was abused by the elder during childhood, mistreatment may be used to seek revenge. Additionally, unresolved conflicts between the adult child and the elder can lead to retaliation.
2. Violence
as a Way of Life. A family history of violence or the mere fact that there is widespread acceptance of violence in this country may lead to mistreatment.
3. Unresolved Conflict. This can occur between elders and their adult children and between elderly spouses.
4. Lack
of Close Family Ties. If an elder and the adult child have had an emotionally distant relationship, resentment may occur when the adult child suddenly has to care for the elderly parent.
Additionally, lack of close family ties often leads elders to seek non-relative caregivers, who may not feel the same sense of responsibility as a family member.
5. Lack
of Financial Resources. This can be a factor for both the elder and the adult child caregiver. The elder may have limited financial resources and therefore, must rely on the caregiver to supplement some of the expenses.
The caregiver
may resent having to pay for the elder's care, particularly if it negatively affects the family's resources. Additionally, women are working in much greater numbers and having to sacrifice a job or
career to care for an elder can lead to tremendous resentment and stress.
Finally,
elders who have limited resources are often forced to seek inappropriate caregivers who, themselves, may have financial problems.
6. Resentment of Dependency. A caregiver can become overwhelmed at the amount of time and effort caring for an elder requires. The caregiver's loss of independence can lead to frustration, anger and resentment.
7. Increased
Life Expectancy. Because elders are living longer, they are becoming more frail, they require more care and the number of years spent providing care are increased.
8. History
of Mental Problems. This is particularly a problem when the caregiver, often an adult child, has mental problems. The
elder becomes a target when the caregiver strikes out.
9.
Unemployment. When the primary income-producing member of the family is unemployed, intra-family violence increases
not only toward the spouse and children, but also toward the dependent elder.
10.
History of Alcohol and Drug Abuse. As with mental problems, caregivers who abuse alcohol and drugs tend to be more
violent or prone to exploit others.
11. Environmental Conditions.
All kinds of environmental conditions, such as living in a crowded home, can lead to violence.
In addition to the above factors,
it is this author's observation that greed is a tremendous influence, primarily in circumstances constituting financial exploitation
of the elderly. Greed is an emotion that affects relatives and non-related individuals alike. The opportunity to benefit financially
is often too great a temptation to resist. In many family circumstances, rationalizations for financially exploiting a relative
abound.
Examples include, "Mama always
loved me best" and "I've sacrificed for Mama by providing care for her, therefore I am entitled." Additionally, hostility between family members, primarily siblings, results in a race to see who can get his or her hands on the elder's resources
first.
Characteristics That Make Elders Particularly Vulnerable
The report Elder Abuse: A Decade of Shame and Inaction identifies the factors that make elders particularly vulnerable to abuse, neglect and financial exploitation.
1. Female. There are more
older women than men, which makes being female a risk factor. Additionally, women are more likely to be targets of sexual abuse.
2. Advanced Age. The older
the person is, the higher risk he or she has of being abused. Physical and mental impairments may affect the elder's ability to resist abuse.
3. Dependent. The more dependent an elder is, whether physically, emotionally,
or financially, the more likely he or she is to be a victim.
4. Problem Drinker. Elders
who abuse alcohol are at higher risk of being victims, especially if they have difficulty caring for themselves.
5. Intergenerational Conflict.
When long-standing conflicts between parents and adult children are unresolved, the elder is at greater risk of being victimized.
6. Internalizing the Blame.
An elderly person who blames himself or herself for a particular situation is more vulnerable and less likely to acknowledge that abuse is the fault of the abuser, not of the elder.
7. Isolation. Loneliness can lead elders to trust an apparently "friendly" individual bent on exploitation. Because the elder is isolated from others, it is less likely that victimization will be detected by third parties.
8. Provocative Behavior. Elders
who are demanding, ungrateful, uncooperative or abusive themselves are often more likely to be victims themselves.
Fighting Back: Legal Remedies Available to the Elderly Victims of Abuse, Neglect & Financial Exploitation
There are 3 categories of
legal remedies for the victim of elder abuse, neglect and financial exploitation:
(1) criminal
(2) civil
(3) administrative
Although the focus of this
paper is on civil and administrative remedies, criminal remedies will be discussed briefly.
A. Criminal
Remedies
A criminal case is brought
on behalf of the public at large ("the people") by the
District Attorney or the Attorney General for violations of state criminal law and by the U.S. Attorney for violations of federal law.
The State of Colorado or the
United States are the plaintiff in criminal cases and the perpetrator of abuse, neglect or financial exploitation is the defendant. The victim isn't a party to the case, but rather is a witness. It's generally in the discretion of the District or U.S. Attorney to
file a criminal case.
Prosecuting cases involving elder abuse, neglect and financial exploitation can be difficult:
the victim is often a poor witness, whether from fear, confusion, diminished capacity, memory failure or frailty.
Conversely, the defendant
is often a better witness and can raise defenses such as the impairment of the elder's memory, claims that the elder made a gift, the elder entered into a contract, etc.
Colorado's Criminal Code contains
a section entitled Wrongs to At-risk Adults, C.R.S. 18-6.5-101-106,
which specifically targets abuse, neglect and exploitation cases.
Additionally, provisions in
the Criminal Code provide stiffer sentences for defendants who commit crimes against an elderly person or a person with a
disability. It's also a crime to violate a civil restraining order.
B. Civil Remedies
In a civil case, a victim
of abuse, neglect or financial exploitation, or someone on his or her behalf such as a guardian or conservator, can sue the perpetrator directly for monetary damages.
The victim is the plaintiff and the perpetrator is the defendant. As a part of a civil case, a victim can also sue for injunctive relief. An injunction is a court order which directs someone to perform a specific act or to
refrain from performing a specific act.
Thus, e.g., an elder could
sue a perpetrator for money damages for injuries sustained from an assault and battery and at the same time, ask the court
to issue an injunction prohibiting the perpetrator from having any contact with the victim.
As with criminal cases, bringing
a civil case can be difficult. i.e., the elderly victim may be a poor witness, statutes of limitations may have expired before the elder seeks help, pursuing a lawsuit can be costly
and there may be a long delay before a court date.
However, Colorado law provides
for an earlier trial date when a party suffers from an illness or condition which raises a medical doubt of survival beyond
one year or if the person is age 70 or older and can prove to the court that he has a meritorious claim and a substantial
interest in the case.
Another civil remedy is a
restraining order, which can be issued separately from and independent of a civil suit. A restraining order is a court order
that restrains a person from taking certain actions.
A third civil remedy is to
seek the appointment of a guardian and/or a conservator or other protective arrangement on behalf of an elder under the Colorado
Probate Code.
1. Civil Suits
There are a number of legal
theories under which a victim of elder abuse, neglect or financial exploitation can sue the perpetrator. The following is representative only and isn't intended to be an exclusive list of legal theories.
1. Assault is the willful
attempt or threat to inflict injury on a person, and any display of force that would cause the victim to fear or expect immediate bodily harm. An assault can be committed without actually touching, striking or harming the victim. An example
is shaking a fist in the elder's face in a threatening manner.
2. Battery is the willful
physical contact of a person which causes bodily injury or is offensive. This can include punching, hitting or rough handling.
3. Intentional infliction of emotional distress is engaging in conduct for the purpose of causing severe emotional distress on another person or knowing that certain conduct will have that result. An example is threatening to put an elder in the nursing home if he doesn't "behave."
4. False imprisonment is the
intentional restriction of a victim's freedom of movement. This can include the use of physical restraints, removal of the elder's means of transportation (e.g., cane or wheelchair) or locking the elder in a room.
5. Duress is coercing a person
to do something against his or her free will, such as forcing an elder to sign a check payable to the perpetrator.
6. Negligence
is the failure to use the care that a reasonably prudent person would use under similar circumstances, which results in harm to the victim. An example is failure to administer medication in a timely manner.
7. Conversion
is the civil equivalent to theft. Conversion means that a person takes control over the property of another with the intent to deprive the victim of the property, such as stealing money or personal property.
8. Fraud
and deception is the making of a false representation of a material fact to another, when the person making the representation knows that
the representation is false and knows that the victim will act on it, thereby causing damage to the victim.
Examples include telephone
scams, sweepstakes, requests to send money to "win."
9. Breach of fiduciary duty.
A fiduciary is a person or entity who, as the result of a particular undertaking, has a duty to act primarily for the benefit
of another in matters connected with the undertaking. This duty is often referred to as a fiduciary duty.
An example of a fiduciary
is a conservator or a stockbroker. When a person breaches a fiduciary duty, the victim incurs damages, such as loss of property or money. An example is self-dealing or using the elder's funds or property.
10. Unjust enrichment occurs
when a person benefits unjustly, at the expense of another and it's unfair for the defendant to retain the benefit. An example is an informal promise to provide care to an elder, being paid in advance and the caregiver not providing the care.
11. Breach of contract. When
a person enters into a contract with another and fails to perform under the terms of the contract, the defendant has breached the contract.
An example is a written agreement
to provide care to an elder, being paid in advance and the caregiver not providing the care.
12. Constructive trust. When a person acquires the property
of another by abusing a confidential relationship that exists between the two people, the court can remedy this abuse by imposing a constructive trust on the property. This means that the defendant no longer owns the property, but that it's
held for the benefit of the plaintiff.
i.e., an adult daughter convinces
her elderly mother to deed the home to the daughter without paying the mother. If the mother sues the daughter, the court
could hold the property in trust for the benefit of the mother.
13. Other legal remedies.
Malpractice (medical, accountant, legal and other professionals), violations of securities laws, etc., are also available to the elderly plaintiff.
2. Restraining Orders
Under Colorado law, C.R.S.
14-4-102, in cases of domestic abuse, a temporary and permanent restraining order can be entered by a municipal, county or district court in order to prevent
such abuse.
The restraining order can
prohibit a person from threatening, molesting, injuring or contacting the party seeking the restraining order. Unfortunately, this statute doesn't address psychological abuse.
Another provision of Colorado
law, C.R.S. 13-6-107, addresses restraining orders to prevent emotional abuse of the elderly. Elderly is defined as age 60 years or more. A temporary or permanent restraining order to prevent emotional abuse of the elderly may include restraining a party from repeated acts which constitute:
- verbal threats or assaults
- from repeated acts which constitute verbal harassment
- from repeated acts which result in the inappropriate use or
the threat of inappropriate use of medications upon a person; from repeated acts which result in the inappropriate use of physical
or chemical restraints
- from repeated acts which result in the misuse of power or authority granted to a person through a power of attorney or by a court in a guardianship or conservatorship proceeding which results in unreasonable confinement or restriction
of the liberty of an elderly person
As discussed above, violation of a restraining order constitutes a criminal offense. Additionally, a person who violates a restraining order can be held in contempt of court.
3. Guardianship, Conservatorship & Other Protective Arrangements
The Colorado Probate Code,
C.R.S. 15-14-101 et. seq., provides that an elder or someone on his or her behalf can petition the court to appoint a guardian
and/or a conservator or to enter a protective order for the benefit of the elder.
A guardian is a person or
institution appointed by the court to make decisions concerning the person of someone who is incapacitated. i.e., a guardian
decides where the person will reside, what kind of medical treatment will be administered, etc.
A conservator is a person
or institution appointed by the court to manage the estate and affairs of a person who is unable to manage his or her property and affairs effectively.
Instead of appointing a conservator,
the court can issue a protective order, authorizing, directing or ratifying any transaction necessary or desirable to achieve any security, service or care arrangement meeting the foreseeable needs of the person in need of protection.
An example of a protective arrangement is a court order permitting the sale of the elder's home. A probate court also has broad powers to order an accounting of
all funds expended on behalf of the protected person.
C. Administrative Remedies
One of the most important administrative remedies available to a victim of elder abuse, neglect or financial exploitation is a law entitled Protective Services for Adults at Risk of Mistreatment or Self-Neglect Act. C.R.S. 26-3.1-201 et. seq.
This law "urges" (but doesn't require) professionals and others who are in a position to detect abuse, neglect and financial exploitation of an elder to report to the county Dept. of Social Services or, during non-business hours, to law enforcement agencies,
when they have "observed the mistreatment or self-neglect of an at-risk adult."
The statute designates those
who are "urged" to report in the following general categories:
- medical personnel (including
hospital and nursing home personnel engaged in the admission of patients)
- mental health professionals
- social workers
- dentists
- law enforcement officials
- court appointed guardians and conservators
- fire protection personnel
- pharmacists
- community centered board staff
- financial institution personnel
- state and local long-term care ombudsmen
- personnel - volunteers or consultants for any licensed care facility, agency, home or governing board.
Additionally, "any other person
may report such known or suspected mistreatment or self-neglect
of an at-risk adult." Once the Department has received a report, it's immediately required to "make a thorough investigation."
A written report must be made
within 48 hours. If it's determined that an at-risk adult is being mistreated or self-neglected,
or is at risk thereof, the Department can immediately provide protective services if the adult consents. If the adult doesn't consent, the Department can file for the appointment of a guardian and/or
a conservator for the adult. However, any protective services sought must constitute "the least restrictive intervention."
A victim of abuse, neglect or financial exploitation can also file a complaint against an entity or a person who is regulated by an administrative agency.
i.e., nursing homes must comply
with the regulations of the Colorado Dept. of Health. Insurance companies are governed by the regulations of the Colorado
Commissioner of Insurance. Stock brokerages must comply with the regulations of the Colorado Commissioner of Securities and
the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
If the administrative agency
determines that a potential violation of its regulations has occurred, it can conduct an investigation and take action against
the wrongdoer.
Conclusion
As professionals working with
the elderly, it's incumbent upon all of us to recognize the signs of elder abuse, neglect and financial exploitation, to identify the victims and to assist them in pursuing their legal rights under the law.
|
 |
|
Fifth Sunday after epiphany
Based
on Isaiah 40:21-31
February 6, 2000
"FEELING NEGLECTED AT TIMES"
A sermon by Tessa Afshar, Associate Minister First Congregational Church, UCC, Ridgefield, Connecticut
In this
age of electronics and tight schedules, we've all experienced the frustration of calling someone whom we really need to talk to urgently and getting an electronic message instead of a real life person.
Unfortunately,
this is a trend that's spreading to every aspect of our society.
Emergency
911, i.e., is going to be automated in the future. In fact they're already coming up with ideas for what should be on their
recording. Here's what they have so far:
Thank
you for calling 911. If you're being murdered, press 1.
If you're
suffering from a split personality, press 2, 3 and 4 at the same time.
If you're
battling Satan, press 666.
If you're
being assaulted, press # # #!
The truth is that it's not very funny when you're desperate to reach someone whose help you need and that person is nowhere to be found.
When there's
someone whose wisdom can guide you, whose strength can save you, whose company can comfort you and yet they aren't there, you feel lonely and afraid. Perhaps even betrayed.
And that's
exactly how the Israelites felt in our passage from Isaiah. If you're not careful while reading that passage, it's easy to miss that the whole thing is God's response to Israel's cry in verse 27:
"My right is disregarded
by my God."
This is
the cry of a believer who's disappointed in God and feels that the Lord has turned the other way.
From later
vs. we know that these people have been going through something heart-wrenching and depleting for a long time. They're tired.
They're bone weary. And they feel that God has neglected them in the midst of all this.
So God responds to their charge against Him. He begins with the words:
"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?"
In fact,
He says this twice. After the first time, God plunges into a soliloquy about who He is. He is the omnipotent creator of all. He is all powerful and mighty, Lord of life and of death. There is none like Him, none as complete, as perfect, as
all-knowing.
Before
such a God, people are like grasshoppers. Princes are powerless; rulers of the world come to nothing. When we read these verses, we feel small and God appears distant and inscrutable.
Immediately after God is done with His pyrotechnics of power, He brings up Israel's complaint. "Why do you say I don't care about your right?" If we were to stop here and not read on, this is the picture we'd be left with:
"I'm God and I'm way bigger than you are, so stop your complaining, 'cause I said so!"
That isn't
a very tender image, although frankly it
is the impression that many people unknowingly harbor of God. Fortunately for us, He goes on. Once more, He begins with the words: "Have you not known? Have you not heard?" This time, however, He
reveals His tender heart for those who wait
for Him. Now the Lord reveals that He is intimately involved in the lives of His people. They're no longer mere grasshoppers; they are "youths", young
men and women.
This paradox
of God's distance and intimacy was best expressed to me in a story told to me by a friend. "A pious Jew sits down in a park during
Passover to enjoy his lunch. Looking over to the other side of the park bench, he notices an indigent man, shabbily dressed
and wearing dark glasses. Feeling sorry for the man, obviously blind as well as hungry, the good Jew offers him a piece of matzo bread from his
lunch.
The blind
man takes it in his hands and after a thoughtful moment,
turns to the Jew and says, "Who wrote this stuff?" My friend, who had been going through a challenging time, said that after reflecting on the past few months, she can affirm two things: God feeds her her daily bread and the Divine can be baffling.
I suppose
at the heart of our Scripture today is this very concept: although God is inscrutable and down right baffling, He is yet sufficient to give us what we need. We are told that we receive this strength by waiting for the Lord.
One of
our deacons commented last week that we're such a "doing" society that waiting doesn't seem like an action. But it is. The
kind of waiting that God is asking for isn't a sort of mental and physical paralysis.
It doesn't
mean folding our hands and giving up. Rather, it's an inner move of trust
that relies on God's gracious involvement in any given situation. We're to go about our lives doing what we can and not worrying about what we
can't. We wait for God actively.
On the
wings of this call to wait, God makes an extraordinary promise:
those who wait for God shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
In other
words, in the midst of all you're doing, or are expected to do, whether you're going at a walking pace, or you hit the ground running from the moment you
get out of your bed, you'll not grow weary.
You'll
know the Lord's rest. This is a rest that doesn't come from taking time off, or doing something and not doing another. It
doesn't come from doing at all; it comes from being. It's a state of mind. This rest arises out of an inward waiting for God.
Have you been living like an eagle or a grasshopper?
Remember, this is God's gracious promise: if you are His, if you choose to wait upon Him actively, you shall run and not be weary, walk and not faint.
May it be so unto you. Amen
“Right from the moment of our birth, we are under the care and kindness of our parents,
and then later on in our life when we are oppressed by sickness and become old, we are again dependent on the kindness of
others. Since at the beginning and end of our lives we are so dependent on other's kindness, how can it be in the middle that
we would neglect kindness towards others?”
Dalai Lama
Neglect 101
This article exists
because millions of typical girls and boys become seriously-troubled adults because they didn't get important
developmental needs met by their caregivers - i.e. they were neglected.
Often, their parents and
ancestors came from low-nurturance environments too - and their society allowed that. The article offers perspective on parental and self neglect,
and links to how to assess them, avoid them, and reduce them in your home and family.
Contents
Perspective on parental neglect
Why some parents neglect their kids
Typical effects of significant neglect
Perspective on self neglect
Action options.
This article assumes you're familiar with these
concepts:
-
normal personality subselves (like yours) -
-
the widespread [wounds + unawareness] cycle -
-
normal child-development needs and stages
-
surface and primary needs
-
traits
of high-nurturance families
-
effective parenting
-
traits of effective parents
-
typical parental goals
-
effective child discipline
-
healthy interpersonal
bonding
Perspective
We humans and other animals
are needy critters. Needs are physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Nurturing means "filling someone's needs." Here,
neglect means "not filling needs that you're responsible for." Our needs change constantly as we age and the world evolves.
Families exist because they
usually fill their members' (and society's) primary needs more effectively
than other human groups. Some "high-nurturance" families do this more effectively than others.
My experience as a veteran
family-systems therapist since 1981 with over 1000 average Midwestern American women and men suggests that ignorance about
"parental neglect" is common. That's partly because many well-meaning parents weren't taught
what their children need developmentally as they grow toward adulthood. This is one vital component of the unacknowledged
[wounds and unawareness] cycle that is crippling the majority of modern
U.S. families and our society.
Test this premise by (a) taking
this quiz about families with an open mind. Then (b) see how many traits of a high-nurturance family you can describe. Then
(c) ask yourself how many families you know who consistently supply most of these traits to their members - starting with
your own family.
Healthy parents genuinely
want and love their kids, and strive to prepare them for a safe, happy, productive adulthood. Parents who survived serious
neglect themselves as young children are often unable to supply some of what their kids
need.
Premise - people who were
significantly neglected as young kids grow up neglecting themselves
as adults. To avoid painful awareness, they often rationalize, joke, deny, or minimize that they do this - despite glaring
evidence of the toxic results, like:
- widespread obesity
- major illnesses
- addictions
- divorces
Many self-neglectful
people are shame-based, and unconsciously feel they don't deserve to fill their own holistic needs well.
Do you know anyone like this?
Say your definition of "parental neglect" out loud. Then picture yourself before the age of six, and/or any other children
you care about at that age. Keep those images with you as you read.
Now read these brief research
summaries on American neglect trends, and how childhood abuse and neglect change young brains and promote later suicide.
See how you feel about these
premises:
Starting
before birth, children depend on their birth mother and other caregiving adults to fill
daily survival needs - nutritious food, water, shelter, stimulation,
touching, protection; and...
their dynamic emotional + spiritual + socializing (developmental) needs. Most of these needs can be filled by caregivers and teachers providing
high-nurturance traits like these.
Typical young children need
a balance of masculine and feminine nurturance for healthy development.
Co-parents who conceive children
and/or agree to care for other people’s children are morally, legally, and socially responsible for...
learning the youngsters’ range of primary needs at each
stage of their growth, and...
doing their best to fill these needs (nurture) adequately.
Healthy parents want to do this, vs. feeling obligated to from
guilt, shame, and/or anxiety. For personal and/or environmental reasons, parents range from competent to inadequate in their
ability to nur-ture a child over two decades to prepare them to live independently and nurture kids effectively them-selves.
So parental neglect may not be apparent until 25 or more years after a child's birth.
This site proposes that parents who consistently want to provide
a high-nurturance environment for dependent kids and themselves raise Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs). Two key traits of GNCs
is that they (a) develop harmonious personality led by a competent true Self, and they clearly have filled their developmental
needs by the time they choose to live independently.
Why Do Some Parents Neglect their
Children?
Try answering this question
out loud. Then compare your idea to this: parents fail to fill their kids' physical, psychological, and spiritual needs for
four interactive reasons:
Wounds - They inherited significant psychological wounds from
their unaware ancestors, and they need to deny or ignore that and what it means. Common results: (a) they unconsciously choose
wounded partners who also may be unable to nurture kids effectively, and (b) have un-planned and unwanted conceptions; and...
Unawareness and ignorance - parents' ancestors and teachers
didn't educate them adequately about (a) kids' developmental needs and (b) how to best fill these needs while steadily nurturing
themselves and each other; and...
Social denial, ignorance,
and permission. Our (wounded, unaware) culture tacitly promotes the pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle spreading down
the generations by denying the cycle and its toxic results. So far, there is no public demand for licensing or regulating
parents.
Paradox: our society tests for competency to operate a vehicle
and provide profes-sional legal, medical, pastoral, and financial services. It requires no proof that parents are qualified
to raise healthy new citizens. Our wide range of costly social ills is one expensive result; including...
Poverty. Parents struggling for daily survival often have too
few resources to nurture their children adequately.
Pause and reflect. Can you think of other reasons parents can't
fill their children's developmental and special needs well enough? If you know parents in a low-nurturance family, do any
of these proposed reasons fit them?
Typical Effects of Childhood Neglect
A thorough description is beyond the scope of this summary article.
In the context of this nonprofit Web site, significant parental neglect of kids' basic developmental needs promotes...
The children developing up
to six psychological wounds:
a fragmented personality
difficulty trusting appropriately
excessive shame and guilts
significant reality distortions
excessive fears
difficulty bonding
This has far-reaching toxic effects on them and society until
they hit true bottom, and choose to admit and reduce their wounds - usually in middle age.
The wounds of reality distortion
and excessive shame often promote significant self neglect - which in turn promotes poor health, stressful relationships,
and premature death. These promote significant stress in family members and supporters.
Combined with adult and social unawareness and denials, these
wounds are apt to pass on to the next generation, spreading their toxic effects in society.
Do these effects seem credible to you? Can you think of any
other common effects of parental ignorance and child neglect?
What is Self Neglect?
It is continuing childhood
habits of not caring about one's own physical, emotional, and spiritual (holistic) health. Epidemic examples are eating unhealthy
foods, avoiding exercise and regular health checkups, working too hard, ignoring bodily warnings, and not getting enough quality
sleep - and justifying or minimizing these.
Self neglect may be amplified
by self dislike, self disgust, or self hatred. All of these are clear evi-dence of a dedicated false self. They stem from
excessive shame and guilt learned very early - fostering a certainty that "I'm worthless and unlovable, and don't deserve
to be happy or healthy.")
Typical personality subselves
contributing to self neglect are the
- Shamed Child
- Guilty Child
- Scared Child
- Pessimist
- Perfectionist
- Procrastinator
- Worrier
- Magician
- Inner Critic
Collectively, they are a "false self." One result of true (vs.
pseudo) wound-reduction is that these subselves learn to trust the resident Nurturer and true Self, and start to value the
host person's health and welfare.
Do you know people who are neglecting
their health and wellbeing? Are you? Keep your perspec-tive: social denials and tolerance for the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
cycle are the primary problem. Self neglect is a symptom and secondary problem. Do you agree?
Options
Common reactions to parental and
self neglect are...
- denial ("Neglectful? No Way!"),
- minimizing ("It's not so bad"),
- reasoning ["You should take better care of (someone), because..."],
- threatening ("If you don't stop belittling our son, I'm going
to..."),
- scorning ("When are you going to grow up?"), and/or...
- criticizing ("You are a poor excuse for a parent.")
These classic false-self attitudes
will never produce lasting second-order (core attitude) changes, because
they don't validate and reduce the underlying wounds and ignorance. They usually amplify anxiety, guilt, shame, and frustration.
More productive options include...
Evaluate this proposal about breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle;
Read Project 1 concepts here, and assess yourself honestly for
significant false-self wounds;
Adopt a multi-decade outlook, and commit to personal wound-reduction
(recovery) as appropriate;
Read, tailor, and apply these foundation concepts to fit your
situation:
See adults neglecting their minor children, as wounded and unaware (vs. bad), and respectfully encourage them to read and
apply these three steps for their and their kids' sakes; and...
If you suspect or observe
child abuse or major neglect, alert the responsible adults that unless they correct these, you'll report
them to local child-welfare officials and/or the police. Then follow up on this, for the sake of your integrity and their
vulnerable children.
Use these wise guidelines
to help you make the right decisions, and seek and use informed support where appropriate.
Recap
Neglect is willfully ignoring
the moral or legal responsibility to help a dependent child or disabled adult fill their primary needs. When the dependent person bears your name, you're self neglectful.
This article offers perspective
on personal and parental neglect and what causes them - significant psychological wounds
and unawareness. It also suggests common personal and social results of significant childhood neglect,
and options for responding to or reducing neglect in yourself or child caregivers.
For more perspective, read
this overview of abuse. Child neglect can be viewed as abusive.
source site: click here
|
|
|
|
|
Gift-Giving Headache, Futile
Attraction and a Neglected Husband -by Jay Kesler
Q: My wife comes from
a wealthy family and every Christmas each adult family member spends scandalous amounts of money buying gifts for one another.
On the
other hand, my family is content to share inexpensive gifts. My wife and I earn a modest salary, but she thinks it's okay to exhaust our December budget on her family while spending a pittance on mine. What would you do if you were in
my shoes?
A: Try
again to talk with your wife, expressing yourself the way you have in this letter. Discuss with her what makes gift-giving
meaningful. What does your wife feel is being accomplished by giving lavish gifts to members of her family?
If she
feels the gifts convey that she can "keep up," she is actually buying the gifts out of her own need to appear successful and not to meet the needs of her family.
She should
realize that her relatives probably have a fair idea that those expensive gifts are too big a stretch for your family budget.
They may feel embarrassed, or even a little guilty, over receiving the gifts. Scaling back on gift-giving might make them feel better, since they'd know you were spending within
your means.
Or it
may be that your wife honestly feels these expensive gifts are the best way to show her relatives she loves them. If that's the case, help her brainstorm creative gift ideas that'll demonstrate love without costing an arm and a leg, perhaps something handmade; a meaningful card or poem; or some unique, inexpensive item
that shows you thought a lot about the recipient's interests or talents. Investing yourselves makes a gift far more meaningful
than investing your limited cash.
Q: Before I got married
20 years ago, I was engaged to another woman. She broke it off because she wasn't ready to make a commitment. A few months ago this woman called me and said she still loves me. I told my wife about the conversation, but not about the inner turmoil I've been feeling.
I keep
thinking about all the "what if's," how my life would be different now if I'd married the other woman. My marriage is good, but it
could be much better. Now that my old girlfriend has shown up, I'm tempted to rethink my commitment to my wife. What's the answer?
A: The temptation you describe is one of the most common, the most subtle and the most dangerous that married people
face. It has the potential to destroy your marriage and your happiness.
Everyone
has opportunities to rethink major life decisions. But once you've made a decision that involves another person and your relationship with God, no good
can come from looking back. When you married, you entered into an unbreakable covenant with your wife and with God and second-guessing
can lead to serious sin.
When you
think of your old girlfriend or feel tempted to turn your back on your marriage, turn your heart toward God instead. Thank him for the good opportunities and choices
you had as a young person. And thank him for the choice you made to marry your wife.
Beyond
that, it's crucial that you cut off all contact with the other woman. You can be kind, explaining that long ago, the two of you shared strong feelings and good experiences. But tell her unequivocally that your marriage is now your priority.
Like a
moth that flies too near a flame and then finds its wings destroyed, you risk your marriage and happiness if you agree to talk occasionally on the phone or maintain "casual" correspondence with her.
The Bible's
commands for confronting temptations of this kind involve words like "flee" and "avoid," there's no gray area here.
Think of it this way: If your dog kept begging for food while you were eating dinner, you'd be a fool to think, "Oh, he'll go away if I just give him a little bite of something." The only way to keep the dog away from the table is to
stop feeding him when he begs.
This "what
if" game you mention is a game of dangerous fantasy. It seems this other woman is playing it too. During the 20 years you've
been apart, she has no doubt been involved in other relationships.
Perhaps
she recently lost a man she loved deeply. Now she thinks of you and the past; a past uncomplicated by the daily realities and problems of living with another person. You're doing
the same thing.
You say
your marriage could be better and you contrast it with the fantasy of what life might have been with this other woman. None
of that fantasy is real and God is calling you to fulfill the real promise of your real marriage.
Q:
My wife has many talents, so she's called on to fill
more and more roles. She helps out at our son's school, teaches piano, directs the choir at church and holds down a part-time
job.
The problem
is I feel like everyone else gets the best of her energy, and I only get the little that is left over. I'm facing some uncertainty at work and I've tried to talk with my wife about it. But I get the impression she's willing to pay attention to my troubles only when it fits into her schedule. I feel squeezed out of her life just at a time when I really need her input. What should I do?
A: It's astonishing how easily work other outside concerns encroach on the relationships we value most. I got my own wake-up call the morning I saw my son's name on my daily appointment list. When he arrived
at my office, I asked him, "Why would you make an appointment? We can talk at home." And he told me, "You're so busy, Dad.
But I
noticed you always make room for anyone who has an appointment. I want as much time as you'd give one of those people." I
realized then that my family needed more than just "equal time"; they needed to be a primary focus. It changed my life.
Go to
your wife and express, with humility and vulnerability, how much you need her.
And tell
her you feel "squeezed out" by her many activities. She'll probably understand
how you feel. In the early years of marriage, it's common for women to feel what you're describing.
When the
husband is happy, busy and fulfilled in his work, he often becomes preoccupied and doesn't feel an urgent need for his wife's partnership.
As a result,
a pattern of independence, rather than healthy interdependence, develops. Acting in self-defense, a woman may fill her life with fulfilling activities separate from her husband.
Then,
when her husband realizes how much he needs her closeness and support, he becomes resentful of the many facets of her life that sap her time and energy.
As you
talk with your wife about your desire for her companionship, be prepared to listen carefully. And be ready to humble yourself and admit that you needed her all along, even if you didn't show it.
Remind
each other why you got married in the first place: because you loved one another and wanted to build a lifelong partnership. Then be patient as the two of you work together to build a real partnership.
Jay Kesler is president
of Taylor Univ. in Upland, Indiana. He was formerly a pastor & also served as president of Youth for Christ. Jay &
his wife, Janie, have been married 39 years. Jay isn't able to respond personally to readers' letters. But
if you have a marriage question you'd like him to address in this column, send your question to:
Q & A
Marriage Partnership
465
Gundersen Drive
Carol Stream, IL 60188
If you subscribe to an online service, you
can e-mail your questions to: mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Self Care as a Necessity
Neglecting one’s own
needs is a common way that families experience stress from caring for older relatives. Some refuse to accept help from other
family members or to utilize community services. If caregiving has dominated their lives, they may have little idea what they
would do with time off from caregiving if help were available, having long ago abandoned having a life of their own. Over
time, many caregivers neglect themselves spiritually and physically so that the quality of their care begins to suffer or
they too become seriously ill. Central to self-care and thus to effective long-term caregiving are 1) learning to accept help;
2) obtaining adequate rest, and 3) attending to physical and spiritual needs.
Learning to Accept
Help
Some family members refuse offers of help while complaining about their exhaustion and feeling alone.
When others try to assist, they find excuses to keep dong everything on their own. Often socialized to be nurturing and responsible,
female caregivers are prone to this pattern. Some women believe that they should be able to do everything themselves, as proof
of their love, competence, or marriage vows. Accepting help is defined as an admission of weakness or failure. Others believe
that they should not have to ask for help, resenting family members who do not automatically know their needs and assist them.
Unwilling to articulate their needs clearly, they may grow exhausted and resentful.
Others believe that no one else
can do the work as well as they can and that their relative will suffer under other’s care. They perceive help as intrusive
and deficient. For example, a daughter may resist hiring a housecleaner, assuming that the worker would disrupt her household
organization. She may also reject her sister’s offer to help, remembering childhood irresponsibility and believing that
shared care would be inferior. She creates a “catch-22”bind: feeling embittered that her mother’s care is
falling entirely on her, yet complaining to the sister whose assistance she rejected.
Family caregivers caught in
such binds need to be reminded that taking care of yourself is central to taking care of your older relative and that a rested
caregiver is a good caregiver, while an exhausted one is not good for anyone. Asking the caregiver “what do you think
will happen to your mother if you keep going like this and get sick” may jolt a tired caregiver into taking care of
herself. She may realize that she is endangering her relative by neglecting herself. Her long-term ability to provide good
care is inextricably connected to her self-care. As noted in the earlier article on Taking Care of the Caregiver, recognizing
signs of stress may help a caregiver realize that refusing to accept help can have long-range negative consequences for both
herself and her relative.
Rest as Basic to Self-care
None of us rest in the
same way. What is relaxing to one person may have no positive effect on another. For this reason, caregivers need to draw
up their own list of activities that they regard as restorative. Personal forms of relaxation and renewal – a long walk,
time with a supportive friend, or attending a symphony – allow a person to focus on aspects of life that are not draining.
Even when a tired caregiver is unable to leave home, sitting on the front steps with neighbors, watching a sunset, reading
a book, soaking in a hot bath or finding a quiet space to nap can be revitalizing. Pleasurable activities, however briefly
enjoyed, can place sacrifices back into the context of life as a whole, from which they derive their meaning.
By alternating
periods of rest and exertion, caregivers can improve their morale and stamina. They can pace themselves while looking forward
to scheduled time off. It is important for caregivers to follow through with plans for themselves, such as setting a goal
of one outing per week on a certain day and time. Arranging for someone to stay with their relative may require so much effort
that they will cancel going-out unless plans are committed in advance. If their older relative complains about being left
at home, the caregiver may be tempted to cancel her plans out of guilt or sympathy. An effective response to such complaints
is the truth: “Mom, I know you hate being left with a stranger, but I’ve got to get away or I’ll be too
irritable with you. It may also help to remind the older person that the substitute helper is a stranger only the first few
times, and can relieve the boredom of routine.
Out-of-town vacations are especially revitalizing but are often the
hardest to carry out. Families may repeatedly postpone their vacation plans because they feel guilty about having a good time
while their relative stays home. Turning their lives over to caregiving, they feel that that taking time for themselves on
a vacation is frivolous compared with the daily reality of care demands. Their guilt may be especially intense if the vacation
is to a place that their relative loved or had planned to visit.
Some families arrange to have neighbors check on their
relative or hire helpers through an agency, but then cancel their plans at the last minute out of worry that something might
happen while they are gone. The question, “What is the worst possible thing that can happen while you’re away?”
may help families begin to contend with the worst. Anxieties can be addressed through advance discussion of an emergency plan
with the substitute helpers, thereby preparing for what they fear. An emergency plan can include a notebook with critical
phone numbers, medications, daily routines and food preferences, and idiosyncratic needs. Caregivers might first try mini-vacations,
such as weekends away. During these trial periods, they may learn that they gain more patience and enthusiasm for caregiving,
making vacations worth the worry.
Taking Care of Physical Needs
To endure
over the long haul, caregivers must maintain their physical health. Good nutrition and exercise are as essential as sleep,
yet many caregivers feel so busy that they fail to take care of their own health, eating high calorie snack foods or skipping
meals. Friends and other relatives need to prod caregivers to find ways to improve their eating habits.
Caregivers
may regard exercise as one more demand to fit into their already crowded schedules. A caregiver that has difficulty leaving
the house can still benefit from a stationary bike, aerobic tapes or tension-reducing exercises, which they can do while their
relative is sleeping. Some exercises can be performed while sitting in a chair. After a caregiver begins to integrate exercise
as part of her daily routine, the benefits of feeling more energetic and less tense tend to outweigh the time taken away from
other responsibilities.
A major health concern for many caregivers is sleep disruptions. During the night, their relative
may require bedding changes, pain medication, or help getting to the bathroom. A relative’s wandering or packing also
interrupts sleep. Sleep deprivation can produce discouragement and depression, yet most caregivers cannot afford to hire overnight
help. Other relatives or friends can provide relief by spending regularly planned nights with the older person. Sleep deprivation
cannot persist without the caregiver becoming ill or the quality of care seriously compromised. Unless the caregiver can get
rest through substitute helpers or sleep medication, placing the older person in another setting may be the only realistic
solution. In such instances, Total Living Choices.com can be the primary resource to assist the caregiver in finding appropriate
care.
For additional resources on Self-Care, See Lustbader, W. and Hooyman, N. Taking care of Aging Family Members:
A Practical Guide. New York: The Free Press, 1994.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
