• the need to be perfect
• the need for approval
• the need to "fix" someone or something
• the need to be a victim or martyr
• the need to have a fantasy relationship
• the need for competition
• the need for confrontations

and more... click here to visit the "Unhealthy Needs" page!

It's new at feeling emotional, 3!

By James T. Webb

What Are The Social-Emotional Needs Of Gifted Children?

To a large degree, the needs of gifted children are the same as those of other children. The same developmental stages occur, though often at a younger age (Webb & Kleine, 1993).

Gifted children may face the same potentially limiting problems, such as family poverty, substance abuse, or alcoholism. Some needs & problems, however, appear more often among gifted children.

Types Of Problems

It's helpful to conceptualize needs of gifted children in terms of those that arise because of the interaction with the environmental setting (e.g., family, school, or cultural milieu) & those that arise internally because of the very characteristics of the gifted child.

Several intellectual & personality attributes characterize gifted children & should be noted at the outset. These characteristics may be strengths, but potential problems also may be associated with them (Clark, 1992; Seagoe, 1974).

Some particularly common characteristics are shown in the table.

• Lack of understanding or support for gifted children & sometimes actual ambivalence or hostility, creates significant problems (Webb & Kleine, 1993).

Some common problem patterns are:

• School Culture & Norms. Gifted children, by definition, are "unusual" when compared with same-age children - at least in cognitive abilities - & require different educational experiences (Kleine & Webb, 1992).

Schools, however, generally group children by age. The child often has a dilemma - conform to the expectations for the average child or be seen as nonconformist.

• Expectations by Others. Gifted children - particularly the more creative - don't conform. Nonconformists violate or challenge traditions, rituals, roles, or expectations. Such behaviors often prompt discomfort in others. The gifted child, sensitive to others' discomfort, may then try to hide abilities.
• Peer Relations. Who is a peer for a gifted child? Gifted children need several peer groups because their interests are so varied. Their advanced levels of ability may steer them toward older children. They may choose peers by reading books (Halsted, 1994). Such children are often thought of as "loners." The conflict between fitting in & being an individual may be quite stressful.
• Depression. Depression is usually being angry at oneself or at a situation over which one has little or no control.

In some families, continual evaluation & criticism of performance - one's own & others - is a tradition. Any natural tendency to self-evaluate likely will be inflated.

Depression & academic underachievement may be increased. Sometimes educational misplacement causes the gifted youngster to feel caught in a slow motion world. Depression may result because the child feels caught in an unchangeable situation.

Family Relations. Families particularly influence the development of social & emotional competence. When problems occur, it isn't because parents consciously decide to create difficulties for gifted children. It's because parents lack information about gifted children, or lack support for appropriate parenting, or are attempting to cope with their own unresolved problems (which may stem from their experiences with being gifted).

Reach out to Parents. Parents are particularly important in preventing social or emotional problems. Teaching, no matter how excellent or supportive, can seldom counteract inappropriate parenting.

Supportive family environments, on the other hand, can counteract unhappy school experiences. Parents need information if they're to nurture well & to be wise advocates for their children.

Focus on Parents of Young Children. Problems are best prevented by involving parents when children are young. Parents particularly must understand characteristics that may make gifted children seem different or difficult.

Educate & Involve Health-Care & Other Professionals. Concentrated efforts should be made to involve such professionals in state & local meetings & in continuing education programs concerning gifted children.

Pediatricians, psychologists & other caregivers such as day-care providers typically have received little training about gifted children & therefore can provide little assistance to parents (Webb & Kleine, 1993).

Use Educational Flexibility. Gifted children require different & more flexible educational experiences. When the children come from multicultural or low-income families, educational flexibility & reaching out may be particularly necessary.

Seven flexibly paced educational options, relatively easy to implement in most school settings (Cox, Daniel & Boston, 1985) are:

• early entrance
• grade skipping
• advanced level courses
• compacted courses
• continuous progress in the regular classroom
• concurrent enrollment in advanced classes 
• credit by examination

These options are based on competence & demonstrated ability, rather than on arbitrary age groupings.

Establish Parent Discussion Groups. Parents of gifted children typically have few opportunities to talk with other parents of gifted children. Discussion groups provide opportunities to "swap parenting recipes" & child-rearing experiences. Such experiences provide perspective as well as specific information (Webb & DeVries, 1993).

Janae B. Weinhold. Ph.D.

Those with training in attachment can identify the symptoms of Developmental Trauma© in infants who lose psychological contact with their mothers. These symptoms include a panicked look in the infant’s eyes, frantic searching for the mother’s face, repeated attempts to engage the mother in some way, inconsolable crying, spitting up of vomit and hyperactive/dysregulated behavior. In older children, it appears as difficulties with reciprocity, the give-and-take aspect of relationship at the core of bonding.

Developmental traumas create a hyper-sensitivity to certain kinds of situational "triggers" such as feeling abandoned, neglected or abused that later cause recycling, intractable conflicts. These situational triggers mold the child’s reactions about the loss of connection to the mother into the avoidant and anxious/ambivalent forms of insecure bonding also know as “attachment disturbances.” When sufficient behavioral criteria are present, the “disturbance” becomes a diagnosable mental health problem known as “Reactive Attachment Disorder” (RAD). RAD has two different varieties: the Inhibited Type, which correlates with the avoidant form of insecure bonding and the Disinhibited Type, which correlates with the anxious/ambivalent form of insecure bonding.

At a practical level, the most common symptom of Developmental Trauma© in children is hyperactive, out of control behaviors designed to test the limits of the adult caregivers. This testing of limits is the primary way that children determine who is in charge in the environment—the adults or the children. When adults do not explain the rules for behavior and social interactions and the consequences for breaking these rules, children do not feel safe. They only feel safe with rules that protect them from harm and when there are consequences in place for those who violate the rules. In fact, children’s “misbehavior” is really a way of forcing adults to set limits. When they do not, children learn a myriad of ways to take charge of feeling safe in their environment through aggressive, demanding, oppositional and defiant behaviors designed to intimidate and control the weak or ambivalent adults around them.

It isn't befitting for a Muslim man to show his status, physical strength or social ties to suppress his wife or family. Rather he should show his true ‘manhood’ by controlling these attributes & using them to his family’s benefit. Whatever physical or social attributes we have do not come from ourselves, we don't have a say as to whether we are born male or female or how rich & powerful we will be - rather these things are ordained by Allah & can either be a source of blessing or a potential source of trial.

The Muslim husband should feel proud & noble if he spends out of his wealth for his family or treats them well as this will attain him the pleasure of Allah also. The Prophet (SAW) said;

“The believers who possess perfect faith are those who display the best manners, and the best among you are those who treat their wives in the best possible manner.”

(Reported in At-Tirmidhi)

This doesn't necessarily mean that all men should give their wives whatever they want without first giving consideration to the prescribed laws of Allah! What it does mean is that wherever possible the needs & considerations of the wife should be given paramount importance.

To illustrate to what extent this consideration should be shown, an extract from the life of the Prophet (SAW) is appropriate. On one occasion of Hajj, the camel of Safiya (May Allah be pleased with her) sat down on the ground & she was therefore left behind while the caravan passed on.

The Prophet (SAW) came to her & found her weeping without restraint. He stood there wiping off her tears with the edge of a sheet with his own hands. While the Prophet (SAW) wiped off tears from her eyes, she continued to weep unrestrainingly for a long time. (See: The ettiquettes of Islam, by Doi)

This example illustrates the consideration & compassion that a Muslim man should show to his wife, even at times when he may not empathize with what the problem is. Even in general terms consideration should be given to the physical & psychological differences between men & women.

On one occasion the Prophet (SAW) was on a journey & he passed some women riding on a camel. The man leading the camel drove it on faster, forgetting that this would cause undue discomfort for its passengers. The Prophet (SAW) said to the camel driver: “You have glass cases there. Be gentle with them.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari)

Steeped in history is the convention that men support women financially. This concept has, however, been abused by men through time. It isn't an unsaid term that just because a man spends his money in the way of his family he is automatically entitled to some sort of unparalleled respect. Rather he is merely carrying out an obligation placed upon him by his Creator. He has no choice in the matter & although he shouldn't pass unappreciated by his wife & family - he has no right to demand respect.

Allah states in the Qur’an:

“A man of means should spend out of his means, while anyone whose income is more feeling limited should spend some of what Allah has granted him”

(Qur’an 65:7)

It's obligatory on every man to support & provide for his wife & family, he should recognize this as his duty & not seek to impose it as a favour on his family. On the other hand, he should be made to feel good about fulfilling his duty & not be treated in an ungrateful manner. It's this balance that prevails in all aspects of a marital relationship & is indeed the recipe for success.

It's also important for men to understand that just because they've been given the duty of protecting their spouse & providing for her, this doesn't mean that they're allowed to act unjustly or prevent them from developing their Islam. Rather, in the Medinan society, women & men, husband & wives, all worked together in the task of developing a strong community & building a political infrastructure.

Women played a fundamental role in the teaching, preaching & practice of Islam, both on a personal level & in a public forum. The importance of this was stressed by command of the Prophet (SAW) that;

“If the wife of anyone of you ask permission to go to the mosque, he should not forbid her.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari)

This is an example of how it was encouraged that both husband & wife become an integral part of society. The mosque was not only a place of worship but a station of central public importance & thus men & women were encouraged to frequent it. Reading more deeply into this hadith & placing it on its correct context, it's clear that the underlying principle is that a husband & wife should regard themselves as a team.

They're BOTH Muslim, they both have the same accountability to perform their acts of worship & increase their knowledge & practice of Islam & they'll both answer to Allah for their deeds.

When two people get married they don't forsake their individual accountability. It's important, particularly for men, to realize that their spouse will have to answer to Allah for their time, energy & wealth as well as you. Although this sounds like common sense it's often practically neglected. Even amongst ‘practising’ couples today it isn't uncommon to see the husband actively developing this own knowledge & commitment to Islam, attending more gatherings & giving more in the way of time & money whilst he denies his wife the same opportunities.

The ideal situation is one where BOTH parties put in the same degree of effort & insha-Allah reap the same amount of reward. Indeed, after marriage, Shaitan tries his hardest to divide two people & often what should have been a source of bonding becomes a source of division. Jabir ibn Abdullah said that once the Prophet (SAW) said;

“The throne of Iblis (Satan), the chief of the devils, is situated above the seas, whence he sends his bands to send human beings astray.

To Iblis, the most worthy of devils is the one who causes the greatest wickedness. The devils visit him as their chief to report their deeds to him, and Iblis gives a hearing to all of them. On one occasion, Iblis remained unimpressed with their achievements, until he managed to separate them.

He had achieved this by causing them to have doubts & misgivings about one another. Iblis was so overjoyed to hear this that he drew him close to him in a close embrace, saying, “Yes, you did it,” meaning that he had really managed to lead human beings astray.” (Reported in Muslim)

Thus it is clear a man should regard his wife as a companion in life & somebody with whom he should try his utmost to keep amicable links & vice versa. This teamwork & co-operation should exist not only in a practical sphere but more importantly in a spiritual context. If two people can encourage one another in the true worship of their Creator, which is of course their objective, then it must be a source of much reward & blessing.

Such an atmosphere would be created that many of the small things that Shaitan uses to divide people would become obsolete & true inner strength would emanate from the couple. The incentive from Allah for a husband & wife to attain this spiritual bond together is illustrated by the following hadith;

“When a man wakes up and his wife during the night and they offer two Rak’ahs of prayers together, Allah ordains that the man’s name should be included in the rolls of the male remembers of Allah and the woman’s name in the register of those females who offer praises to Allah and remember Him.” (Reported in Abu Dawud)

Clearly this level of spiritual togetherness will be of much practical use in controlling any disagreements between the couple & providing a firm reminder of the intention behind & objectives of a true Muslim marriage.

As far as the responsibility of a wife are concerned they can be summed up generally by the following verse:

“Honourable women are devout, guarding the unseen just as Allah orders it to be guarded.” (Qur’an 4:34)

With regard to what this ‘unseen’ actually is, most scholars are in agreement that it refers to the honour & property of her husband. Many hadith point out that a woman must not permit anybody to enter the house to whom her husband objects, particularly in his absence.

In a wider context, the example of the Prophet (SAW)’s wives shows what the ideal Muslim wife’s behaviour should be. Let it suffice to illustrate this with two examples regarding the first wife of the Prophet (SAW), Khadijah(RA).

The example of Khadijah (RA) throughout her life was one of limitless support & reassurance to her husband. She provided him with mental security & physical support. She insisted on sharing her husband’s suffering along with his joy. She never doubted him nor criticized him, neither did she undermine him or disobey him.

The first example shows the degree of trust & respect she had for her husband at the point when he first received revelation. As the Prophet (SAW) came to her, shivering & disillusioned, believing he was going mad, she comforted him with the following words;

“It cannot be. Allah will surely never forsake you. You are kind feelings, feelings of kindness to your kin, you always help the weak, you solace the weary, you take care of whoever crosses your threshold, you speak the truth.” (Tafseer of Ibn Kathir)

The feelings of the Prophet(SAW) for his wife were so great that he said of her,

“I have been intoxicated by her love.”

(Reported in Muslim)

Khadijah (RA)’s support & encouragement left a life-long effect upon the life of the Prophet (SAW). In later years, after her death, he would still remember her & weep; he continued to look after all her relatives & friends after her passing.

Khadijah(RA) sacrificed her whole life, both materially & physically for the sake of Allah & in support of her husband. So great was her love & support to the Prophet (SAW) that after her death, Aisha(RA) relates that;

“The Prophet (SAW) would not leave home without praising Khadijah. One day when he mentioned Khadijah I became annoyed and said, “She was an old woman. In her stead Allah has given you one who is better.” This angered the Prophet (SAW), who said, “God knows, He has given me no better than her. She believed in me when others rejected me. She supported me with her wealth when others left me in the lurch. And Allah gave me children by her, which He has not given me by any other wives.” (Tafsir Al-Haythami)

These words go to show the kind of behaviour that is ideally expected from a Muslim wife: to be a station of support for her husband & provide him with as much mental solace that she can. It isn't befitting for a Muslim to be more concerned with material competition, vanity & ingratitude than the welfare of her husband & family.

One of the biggest ills of Western society has been a rush of ill-defined feminism that has led to a confusion of the roles & responsibilities of man & woman, let alone take away the love, compassion & spirituality that should exist between husband & wife.

A careful balance will surely fail & cause much disarray. The Prophet (SAW) warned us of this when he said;

“Those men are cursed who try to resemble women and those women are cursed who try to resemble men.”

(Reported in Al-Bukhari)