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welcome! to feeling emotional, 3!
after looking things over here at feeling emotional,
3, try out "the layer down under," (part of
the emotional feelings network of sites) & read a special "i just gotta say it" column concerning porn addiction by clicking here! Be sure to scroll down towards the bottom of the right hand column to find it!
Another Suggestion! Visit the homepage because it has more information about the emotional feelings network of sites!
How this site works best for you!
You'll
notice that there are many underlined link
words in each article below. The reason for this is that you have reached not only, "emotional
feelings, the home site," but the emotional feelings network of sites. There are
many sites included within the network that'll be visited by clicking on these underlined
link words.
If you can't find what you came
here looking for, visit the homepage for the emotional feelings network of sites by clicking above & read the options on
the homepage for the networks index of sites. Try to be specific when looking for an emotion or feeling word & click on the site you need!
It's very simple & very
interesting to follow your way thru the layers of your buried or stuffed emotions & feelings that have accumulated throughout the years!
when you've reached this point, or this website, you know you're making
progress!!!! this part gets difficult because now is the time to look within & become emotionally honest with yourself!!!
Best of luck & if you're
still stuck, send me an e-mail anytime, by clicking here & I'll be glad to send you an immediate personal response!
Sincerely,
Kathleen
 Most of the information following in this column is directly from www.coping.org's website. It's an absolutely wonderful resource and contains much more information than is contained
here. Pay them a visit and be sure to remember, you can do what you truly believe you can... think positively!
  Overcoming Perfectionism
Perfectionism is:
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the irrational belief that you &/or your environment must be perfect
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the striving to be the best, to reach the ideal & to never make a mistake
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an all pervasive attitude that whatever you attempt in life must be done letter perfect with no deviation, mistakes,
slip ups, or inconsistencies
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a habit developed from youth that keeps you constantly alert to the imperfections, failings & weakness in yourself & others
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a level of consciousness that keeps you ever vigilant to any deviations from the norm, the guidelines,
or the way things are "supposed to be''
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the underlying motive present in the fear of failure & fear of rejection, i.e., if I'm not perfect I'll fail &/or I'll be rejected by others
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a reason why you may be fearful of success, i.e., if I achieve my goal, will I be able to continue, maintain that level of achievement
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a rigid, moralistic outlook that doesn't allow for humanism or imperfection
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an inhibiting factor that keeps you from making a commitment to change habitual, unproductive behavior out of fear of not making the change "good enough''
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the belief that no matter what you attempt it's never "good enough'' to meet your own or others' expectations
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Everything in life must be done to your
level of perfection, which is often higher than anyone else's.
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It's unacceptable to make a mistake.
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You must always reach the ideal no matter what.
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If those in authority say this is the way
it's supposed to be, then that's the way it's supposed to be.
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You're a loser if you can't be perfect.
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It's what you achieve rather than who you
are that's important.
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I have no value in life unless I'm successful.
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There's no sense in trying to do something
unless I can do it perfectly, e.g., "I don't attempt things I can't do well.''
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If I have a failure or experience a set back in my efforts to change then I should give up.
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The ideal is what is real; unless I reach the ideal I'm a failure.
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There are so many roadblocks & pitfalls
to keep me from succeeding. It's better just to give up & forget my goal.
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Unless I am "Number One'' there's no sense
in trying. Everyone knows what "Number Two'' is. To win is the only acceptable goal.
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If you screw up in your efforts to achieve a goal, just give up. It must be too hard to achieve.
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You must always strive to reach the ideal in everything you do because it's in the achievement of the ideal that you give meaning to your life.
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Don't ever let anyone know what goal you're working on. That way they won't consider you a failure if you don't reach it.
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If you can't do it right the first time,
why try to do it at all?
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There's only one way to reach a goal: the right way.
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It takes too much effort & energy to
reach a goal. I save myself the aggravation & discouragement by not setting goals for myself.
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I'll never be able to change & grow the way I want to, so why try.
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I'm a human being prone to error, frailty &
imperfections; therefore, I won't be able to accomplish things in a perfect or ideal way. I'll just give up on achieving any of my goals or desires.
What are some negative consequences of perfectionism?
Examples of the negative consequences of perfectionism include:
Low self-esteem. Because a
perfectionist never feels "good enough" about personal performance, feelings of being a "failure" or a "loser" with a lessening of self-confidence & self-esteem may result.
Guilt. Because a perfectionist never feels good about the way responsibility has been handled in life (by himself or others) a sense of shame, self recrimination & guilt may result.
Pessimism. Since a perfectionist is convinced
that it'll be extremely difficult to achieve an "ideal goal," he can easily become discouraged, fatalistic, disheartened & pessimistic about future efforts to reach a goal.
Depression. Needing always to be "perfect," yet recognizing that it's impossible to achieve such a goal, a perfectionist runs the risk of feeling down, blue & depressed.
Rigidity. Needing to have everything in one's life perfect or "just so" can lead a perfectionistic to an extreme case of being inflexible, non-spontaneous & rigid.
Obsessiveness. Being in need of an excessive amount of order, pattern, or structure in life can lead a perfectionistic
person to become nit-picky, finicky, or obsessive in an effort to maintain a certain order.
Compulsive behavior. Over-indulgence or the compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex, smoking, risk-taking, or novelty, is often used to medicate a perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser for never being able to be "good enough" in life.
Lack of motivation. Believing that the goal of "change" will never be able to be ideally or perfectly achieved can often give a perfectionist
a lack of motivation to attempt change in the first place, or to persevere if change has already begun.
Immobilization. Because a perfectionist is often burdened with an extreme fear of failure, the person can become immobilized. With no energy, effort or creative juices applied to rectify, improve, or change the problem behavior in the person's life, he becomes stagnant.
Lack of belief in self. Knowing that one will never be able to achieve an idyllic goal can lead a perfectionist to lose the belief that he'll ever be able to improve his life significantly.
What rational behaviors are needed to overcome perfectionistic tendencies?
To overcome perfectionism one needs to:
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accept self as a human being
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forgive self for mistakes or failings
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put self back on the wagon immediately after falling off
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accept that the "ideal" is only a guideline or goal to be worked toward, not to be achieved 100%
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set realistic & flexible time frames for the achievement of a goal
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develop a sense of patience & to reduce the need to "get it done yesterday"
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be easier on oneself; setting unrealistic or unreasonable goals or deadlines sets you up for failure
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recognize that the human condition is one of failings, weakness, deviations, imperfections & mistakes; it's acceptable to be human
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recognize that one's backsliding doesn't mean the end of the world; it's OK to pick oneself up & start all
over again
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develop an ability to use "thought stopping" techniques whenever you find yourself mentally scolding yourself for not being "good enough"
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visualize reality as it'll be for a "human"
rather than for a "super human"
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learn to accept yourself the way you are; let go of the ideas of how you "should be"
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enjoy success & achievement with a healthy self-pride & eliminate the need for self deprecation
or false humility
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learn to enjoy success without the need to second guess your ability to sustain the achievement
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reward yourself for your progress, to reinforce
your efforts to change even when progress is slight or doesn't meet up to your idealistic expectations
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love yourself; to believe that you deserve good things
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to eliminate unrealistic expectations & the idea that you're infallible
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visualize yourself as "winning" even when
it takes more energy & more perseverance, than what you had planned
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let go of rigid, moralistic judgments of your performance & to develop an open, compassionate understanding for the hard times, obstacles & temptations
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be flexible in setting goals & be willing to reassess your plan from time to time to keep things realistic
-
be open to the idea that you'll be successful in your efforts to change, even if you aren't "first," "the best," "the model," "the star pupil," "the exemplar," "the finest"
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realize that the important thing is to be going in a positive direction
How can a social support system help in overcoming perfectionism?
Social support systems can help you overcome perfectionism if you:
Steps to overcome perfectionism
Step 1:
In your journal, answer the following questions:
a. What characteristics
of perfectionism are true for me? How do these perfectionistic
traits impede my efforts to change my problematic behavior?
b. What irrational beliefs of perfectionists do I ascribe to? How do these beliefs influence my desire to change? How do these beliefs contribute to a failure script in my efforts to change? What rational alternatives can I adopt to reduce the negative impact of perfectionism in my life?
c. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life? What am I doing to address these negative issues in my life? How do these negative issues affect my past & current efforts to change my problematical behavior?
d. What new rational behavior do
I need to develop in order to overcome the negative impact of perfectionism? How will these new behavior traits help me to fully achieve change in my life?
e. How can my social support system help me in overcoming my perfectionistic attitude? What contributes to perfectionism in my support system? What changes in my support system would reduce its perfectionistic character?
f. How does dealing with my perfectionism help me in my efforts to change? How well does perfectionism explain why past attempts to change have failed?
Step 2: In your journal, identify a problematic behavioral pattern you want to change; then list the characteristic negative behavior traits of the pattern. For each of the negative characteristics list positive alternative behavior traits. For each of the new alternative behavior list your likelihood of achieving them 100% of the
time. How many new behavior traits could you achieve 100% of the time?
Step 3: Once you have recognized that no change can be achieved 100% of the time, continue changing your problematic behavior patterns. If you continue to be hindered by perfectionism, return
to Step 1 & begin again.
if you clicked on the animation immediately left & you read the article....
& if you want more info....
Handling the Need for Approval
Off the Internet - Anyway
Anyway
by Kent Keith
The verses below reportedly were engraved on the wall of Mother Teresa's
home for children in Calcutta & are widely attributed to her. However, according to The New York Times, the verses actually
were written by 19-year-old Kent Keith in a motivation booklet for high school counselors published while he was a student at Harvard in 1968.
People are often unreasonable, Illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful,You will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.
You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
How
does the need for approval manifest itself?
People who
have a need for approval:
Work hard
at being good:
- (1) at their job
- (2) in their home life
- (3) with their spouse
- (4) as a parent
- (5) as an adult child with their
own parents
Wait for
others' permission to give themselves recognition for what they do.
Depend on others to give them
a sense of self-worth.
Are poor
at solving problems.
Avoid conflict
because of the fear that the "other" will not approve their point of view.
Work hard at keeping "peace
at any price'' in a relationship.
Are "People
Pleasers" doing, acting & being for others what they think the others want.
Have a problem in letting others
know how they think or feel about things.
Have a tendency
to be "over-responsible," taking on the responsibility of others (children, spouse,
co-workers) in order to get things done.
Lack self-confidence
in their skills, abilities & knowledge. They tend to see themselves as "incompetent."
Have a tendency
to "hide the truth" when it's more convenient to tell a lie, especially when they think conflict will arise by
telling the truth.
Do anything
to avoid hurting the feelings of others, even if it means swallowing their own feelings or denying the
reality of things.
Fear rejection, neglect, abandonment & disapproval so much that they give up their own wants, needs & rights subjecting
themselves to the wants, needs & whims of others.
Have
a keen sense of obligation & act on this sense in all aspects of their life.
Suffer from
"paralysis of analysis" & fret so much over what the possible consequences of a decision will be that they
never make a decision or take a "stand.''
Are convinced
no matter what they do it "isn't good enough" to gain approval so they either
work harder or give up.
Why does the need for approval exist?
People who have a
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