What irrational beliefs contribute to perfectionism?

• You must always strive to reach the ideal in everything you do because it's in the achievement of the ideal that you give meaning to your life.

• Don't ever let anyone know what goal you're working on. That way they won't consider you a failure if you don't reach it.

• If you can't do it right the first time, why try to do it at all?

• There's only one way to reach a goal: the right way.

• It takes too much effort & energy to reach a goal. I save myself the aggravation & discouragement by not setting goals for myself.

• I'll never be able to change & grow the way I want to, so why try.

• I'm a human being prone to error, frailty & imperfections; therefore, I won't be able to accomplish things in a perfect or ideal way. I'll just give up on achieving any of my goals or desires.

What are some negative consequences of perfectionism?

Examples of the negative consequences of perfectionism include:

Low self-esteem. Because a perfectionist never feels "good enough" about personal performance, feelings of being a "failure" or a "loser" with a lessening of self-confidence & self-esteem may result.

Guilt. Because a perfectionist never feels good about the way responsibility has been handled in life (by himself or others) a sense of shame, self recrimination & guilt may result.

Pessimism. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it'll be extremely difficult to achieve an "ideal goal," he can easily become discouraged, fatalistic, disheartened & pessimistic about future efforts to reach a goal.

Depression. Needing always to be "perfect," yet recognizing that it's impossible to achieve such a goal, a perfectionist runs the risk of feeling down, blue & depressed.

Rigidity. Needing to have everything in one's life perfect or "just so" can lead a perfectionistic to an extreme case of being inflexible, non-spontaneous & rigid.

Obsessiveness. Being in need of an excessive amount of order, pattern, or structure in life can lead a perfectionistic person to become nit-picky, finicky, or obsessive in an effort to maintain a certain order.

Compulsive behavior. Over-indulgence or the compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex, smoking, risk-taking, or novelty, is often used to medicate a perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser for never being able to be "good enough" in life.

Lack of motivation. Believing that the goal of "change" will never be able to be ideally or perfectly achieved can often give a perfectionist a lack of motivation to attempt change in the first place, or to persevere if change has already begun.

What rational behaviors are needed to overcome perfectionistic tendencies?

To overcome perfectionism one needs to:

• accept self as a human being

• forgive self for mistakes or failings

• put self back on the wagon immediately after falling off

• accept that the "ideal" is only a guideline or goal to be worked toward, not to be achieved 100%

• set realistic & flexible time frames for the achievement of a goal

• develop a sense of patience & to reduce the need to "get it done yesterday"

• be easier on oneself; setting unrealistic or unreasonable goals or deadlines sets you up for failure

• recognize that the human condition is one of failings, weakness, deviations, imperfections & mistakes; it's acceptable to be human

• recognize that one's backsliding doesn't mean the end of the world; it's OK to pick oneself up & start all over again

• develop an ability to use "thought stopping" techniques whenever you find yourself mentally scolding yourself for not being "good enough"

• visualize reality as it'll be for a "human" rather than for a "super human"

• learn to accept yourself the way you are; let go of the ideas of how you "should be"

• enjoy success & achievement with a healthy self-pride & eliminate the need for self deprecation or false humility

• learn to enjoy success without the need to second guess your ability to sustain the achievement

• reward yourself for your progress, to reinforce your efforts to change even when progress is slight or doesn't meet up to your idealistic expectations

• love yourself; to believe that you deserve good things

• to eliminate unrealistic expectations & the idea that you're infallible

• visualize yourself as "winning" even when it takes more energy & more perseverance, than what you had planned

• let go of rigid, moralistic judgments of your performance & to develop an open, compassionate understanding for the hard times, obstacles & temptations

• be flexible in setting goals & be willing to reassess your plan from time to time to keep things realistic

• be open to the idea that you'll be successful in your efforts to change, even if you aren't "first," "the best," "the model," "the star pupil," "the exemplar," "the finest"

• realize that the important thing is to be going in a positive direction

How can a social support system help in overcoming perfectionism?

Social support systems can help you overcome perfectionism if you:

• select realistic people who aren't perfectionistic in their own life

• encourage your support system members to not be rigid or moralistic in their attempts to keep you on an honest course

• have support people who role model forgiving & forgetting when mistakes, failures, offenses, or backsliding occur

• have given them permission to call you on being "too hard," "too brutal," "too rigid," "too unrealistic," or "too idealistic" in your expectations

• have people who'll give positive reinforcement for any positive change, no matter how small or slight it is

• select trustworthy people who are open, honest & have a sincere interest in your personal growth

Steps to overcome perfectionism

Handling the Need for Approval

Off the Internet - Anyway

Anyway 

by Kent Keith

The verses below reportedly were engraved on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta & are widely attributed to her. However, according to The New York Times, the verses actually were written by 19-year-old Kent Keith in a motivation booklet for high school counselors published while he was a student at Harvard in 1968.

People are often unreasonable, Illogical,

and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind feelings, feelings of kindness, people may accuse you

of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind feelings, feelings of kindness anyway.

If you are successful,You will win some

false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be feeling jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

How does the need for approval manifest itself?

People who have a need for approval:

Work hard at being good:

• (1) at their job
• (2) in their home life
• (3) with their spouse
• (4) as a parent
• (5) as an adult child with their own parents

Wait for others' permission to give themselves recognition for what they do.

Depend on others to give them a sense of self-worth.

Are poor at solving problems.

Avoid conflict because of the fear that the "other" will not approve their point of view.

Work hard at keeping "peace at any price'' in a relationship.

Are "People Pleasers" doing, acting & being for others what they think the others want.

Have a problem in letting others know how they think or feel about things.

Have a tendency to be "over-responsible," taking on the responsibility of others (children, spouse, co-workers) in order to get things done.

Lack self-confidence in their skills, abilities & knowledge. They tend to see themselves as "incompetent."

Have a tendency to "hide the truth" when it's more convenient to tell a lie, especially when they think conflict will arise by telling the truth.

Do anything to avoid hurting the feelings of others, even if it means swallowing their own feelings or denying the reality of things.

Fear rejection, neglect, abandonment & disapproval so much that they give up their own wants, needs & rights subjecting themselves to the wants, needs & whims of others.

Have a keen sense of obligation & act on this sense in all aspects of their life.

Suffer from "paralysis of analysis" & fret so much over what the possible consequences of a decision will be that they never make a decision or take a "stand.''

Are convinced no matter what they do it "isn't good enough" to gain approval so they either work harder or give up.

Why does the need for approval exist?

People who have a need for approval have:

Low self-esteem due to:

• (1) lack of positive feedback as a child
• (2) lack of sense of worth due to no reinforcement as a child
• (3) sense of rejection & emotional abandonment as a child
• (4) sense of neglect as a child

Deny that there are any problems in their families of origin or in their current nuclear families, yet they can't get enough affirmation of current self worth.

Never become emotionally independent enough to positively affirm themselves.

Dependent personalities & a need for others' affirmation.

Been driven compulsively to seek approval from any source for any "good" they do as a learned role from their families of origin.

Felt they were "misfits" as children, "different," not in the "social swing" of things.

Been "peer group" oriented as children & have become dependent on "group norms" to measure their worth.

How do others respond to people who have a "need for approval?"

In response to those who have a need for approval, people:

• Take advantage by implying that greater effort will be needed in order to gain such approval.

• Feel uncomfortable with being so "needed" & flee the relationship.

• Enjoy the position they have & become unreasonable in the exercise of power & control.

• Ignore this need & never grant approval.

• Respond in a guilt-ridden way for not giving enough positive strokes to improve the others' lives.

• Respond in a "nurturing" way & rescue them so as to reduce their sense of frustration & stress.

• Become overwhelmed by the obligation to always "be there" for them & suffer burnout in the relationship.

• Become anxious about saying the wrong thing & become tongue-tied, frustrated & find it easier to simply avoid the person.

• Become convinced that no one could satisfy this deep need & stop trying.

What steps can be taken to reduce the need for approval

Step 1:    Identify & refute the irrational belief that the approval of others is necessary in order for you to feel good about yourself.

Step 2:    Identify your fear of: rejection, neglect, abandonment, disapproval & look for the origins of these fears. Identify rational means to desensitize yourself to these fears.

Step 3:    Develop an inventory of the positive attributes you possess. Ask others to assist you in making the list all inclusive.

Step 4:    Develop a list of positive affirmation self-talk scripts you can use to affirm yourself on a regular basis.

Step 5:    Reflect on your feelings about conflict events. Don't avoid conflict situations, but use positive assertiveness to maintain your position & protect your rights. Emphasize how you feel about the issue by using "I'' statements.

Step 6:   Answer the question: What do I gain if I'm agreeable & pleasing to everyone in my life & never take a "stand" on how I really feel about things?

Step 7:    Develop a list of issues important in your life, those you never let others know about for fear of their reaction to them. Develop a plan of action by which you systematically let others know your beliefs concerning these issues.

Step 8: If you find you're still working out of a need for approval, return to Step 1 & begin again.

Remember WGAS when you're stuck in your approval seeking mode. To get yourself out of it just tell yourself: "Who Gives a Shoot! what they think or say about me. I'm OK just the way I am."

The Need for Approval

"And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17).

"But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For every man shall bear his own burden" (Galatians 6:4-5).

A very powerful force in any of us is the need for approval. Whether it's overt or hidden, it's a life long pursuit for all of us. The need for approval is sought from our earliest years & is continued for a lifetime. 

The need for approval controls much of what we do. It strongly influences how we relate to one another in the home, how we perform at work, our ability to socialize & even our relationship with Christ. Politicians look to their "approval ratings" to determine how they govern &/or legislate. They run their races for office with one eye on the ratings. It governs what they say, how they behave & the standards they portray.

There are 3 stages each of us goes thru in our pursuit of approval.

1. Parental approval. From the crib up thru the childhood years children look to their parents for approval. Their very fragile self-esteem soars or plummets based on the words or looks of approval by the parent. 

If a child doesn't get the approval he needs it'll make a lifelong impact on him. Consequently, throughout life he will search for surrogate parents to give him the ongoing approval needed to feed his damaged self-esteem, the consequence of a parental failure to properly build self-esteem in the child.

Children are very fragile. Their need for approval & reassurance is huge. Their self-esteem can be damaged by discipline that's too harshly or by the failure of the parent to discipline enough. The parents desire to correct deficiencies in them can actually damage them immeasurably if it's done at the wrong time or in the wrong manner. 

Children should never be criticized for poor performance & shouldn't be corrected by their parents immediately upon their failure to properly achieve something they've struggled hard to accomplish.

They should encourage & reward the child with approval listing points of success rather than areas of failure. The child punishes himself enough with feelings of failure without the parents confirming his. The words & attitudes of the parents shouldn't reinforce his sense of failure. The time & way to offer correction is the next time they try that at which they failed at before or didn't do as well as were expected. The correction offered should come in the form of positive instruction instead of negative correction.

2. Peer approval. The emphasis of the person changes in the teen years. Although the need for parental approval never ceases, the major need of the teen is for peer approval. 

When the child is well adjusted with a proper level of self-esteem, he will not be as subject to the need to have the approval of his peers. If the parents do their job well the child will be able to safely survive the very demanding stresses of being a teen. 

Fads & "keeping up with the Jones" will not be so demanding when a teen is well adjusted. Instead of having the fear of being "different" by his perceived lack, his value system will sustain him. This will protect him from the "gang mentality" & other dysfunctional & damaging attitudes & behavior that lure insecure teens into their web.

Often the attitudes & behavior of teens is a heart-cry for the acceptance they felt deprived of as a child. The damage can be remedied when a parent will quit reacting against the teen's rebellious behavior & do what should have done in the years past. In ministering to adults, I quite often hear them complain that they could never please their parents. Mostly, the parents have done the best they knew.

A comparison of victim & martyr characteristics

What are obstacles facing victims & martyrs?

B. Martyrs often:

Are so caught up in their problems that they convince themselves no solution is possible.

Know they're being abused but are so used to it they can't visualize life any differently.

Lack healthy self-esteem & self-concepts.

Lack belief in themselves or in others.

Had "martyr" role models in their families of origin & don't see their own behavior as maladaptive.

Lack knowledge of assertiveness & may be either extremely passive or overly aggressive with their antagonists.

Have exhausted all of their outlets of "helpers"

Find "helpers" hesitant offer assistance; their resistance & "yes-but" statements are too much for the helpers to overcome.

Manipulate their helpers. At first they're cooperative, open, verbal & apparently honest in their assessment of their problems. However, once an objective helper begins to point out the martyr's contribution to the problem, they feign newer, bigger & more complex problems to keep the helper's focus off of them.

Martyrs often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:

• You must be nice to people no matter how they treat you.

• Everyone needs me & they would be lost without me.

• I'm depended upon.

• It's my role to keep everything together, no matter what price I have to pay.

• This is the way things are supposed to be.

• I can never win in the situation I am in, but I can't leave it.

• I must find a way to pay back those who hurt me.

• I never get angry; I just get revenge.

• My behavior is healthy, OK, but misunderstood by others.

• The louder I complain, the greater the chances of being heard.

Martyrs often don't take the action required to resolve their problems because they suffer from the irrational fear of:

• letting go

• taking a risk

• feeling guilty

• being blamed for the problem

• being seen as the real problem

• being ignored in the future

• being happy, peaceful, or content

• change

• loss of approval

• losing the person(s) who are taking advantage of or abusing them

Steps to help you decide if you're a victim or a martyr & how to change your behavior

d. List those who will be affected if you cease being the victim/martyr. Next to each name, list the positive & negative consequences a change in your behavior will have on their lives. Use this listing to assist you in recognizing that those people will survive your change in behavior. This is designed to motivate you to pursue the necessary changes in your behavior

e. Make a personal inventory up to this very moment in your life as to the benefits & deficits of the pattern of behavior you live, be it victim or martyr. List what you gain from playing this role. Also, list what you lose as a result of playing this role. List what you will lose or gain in the future if you change this role. Use this inventory to stimulate change, since you'll have begun to desensitize the fears that are obstacles to change.

Step 5: If Steps 1 thru 4 are unsuccessful in motivating a change in your current behavior pattern, you may need to seek professional help. Review Steps 1 thru 4 with such a helper.

Handling Competition

What is competition in a relationship?

Competition, a stress producing element, is also the: 

• Struggle for control between the parties in a relationship.

• Face-off between two partners on how to resolve a conflict or a disagreement.

• State in which two parties become adamant, determined, or stubborn in defending their opposite points of view

• Challenging of one partner by another to defend a position taken in discussion, argument, or disagreement.

• Holding of a self-righteous, "better than thou,'' "I never make a mistake,'' "I'm never wrong,'' point of view.

• Holding of blame, "you never listen to me," "you don't understand me," "you never do what I ask," "you ignore me," "you don't care about me," point of view.

• Attempt by one or both partners to "showing the other up," out do the other, or win.

• Attitude that there must always be a winner & a loser.

• Attempt by one partner to show greater strength, knowledge, skill, talents & abilities than the other.

• Attitude that "only I know how or what to do to complete & correctly manage this joint project."

• Inability to share the workload, responsibility & consequences of a jointly held project (such as the children, the house, a job, finances, sexuality, etc.)

What forms does competition take in a relationship?

Competition in planning the future: Who has a better vision for the future, who is better organized, who is more visionary, who is more creative & imaginative, who has a better pulse on trends for the future.

Competition in communicating: Who is a better listener, who tunes in to the other better, who is more open & receptive to the other, who is more feelings oriented, whose feelings go uncared for.

Competition in managing joint projects: Who is a better financial wizard, a better housekeeper, a better driver, who is a better disciplinarian, who is a better parent.

How can negative consequences of competition affect a relationship?

When there is competition between partners in a relationship, some of the following negative consequences can occur:

• breakdown in communication

• lack of trust

• anger, animosity, hostility & resentment

• chronic conflict, disagreement & disharmony

• poor problem solving, planning & structuring

• chronic blaming, accusing, condemning & attacking of partners

• breakdown of a sense of acceptance, approval & recognition

• inability to forgive & forget

• chronic stress & anxiety

• chronic guardedness, defensiveness; hiding feelings, thoughts & ideas

• emotional problems for one or both partners

• chronic need to escape either by physical removal or involvement in addictive behaviors

• using the children (if they're present) as weapons, pawns, or victims in a war

• lack of fun, amusement, sense of humor or ability to play

• over intensity, over seriousness & over reaction

How can competition in your relationship be recognized?

You begin to have problems with joint projects (children, house, job, car, etc.) for no apparent reason. Deep inside you feel like you have always been ignored, overlooked, disagreed with & challenged whenever a previous decision concerning the project has been made. You know you aren't a united, consistent team in dealing with common projects, yet your requests to change go unheeded by your partner.

You both have agreed to establish a healing environment, yet there is chronic reliving the past, belaboring the way things were & griping about how they should have been.

What irrational beliefs can lead to competition in a relationship?

• My partner is overemotional & always overreacts.

• There's only one way to think or feel about this matter.

• Why should we waste time talking about this.

• OK, I've done what you asked me to do these last 3 months, so let's get on leading a normal life again.

• Your mind is never open to anything.

• You're the reason why our relationship is failing.

• Unless you intend to communicate openly with me, there's no sense in going on.

• No one ever has time for me.

• I can never do anything right.

• You're always right & I'm always wrong.

• If you say it, then it must be so.

• You should know. You're the expert on such matters.

• I'm so sorry that I'm so dumb & incompetent. I guess since I am, I won't be able to do that for you.

• Well, if you want it that way then have it that way.

• I don't know why you ever ask me. My opinion or input doesn't count anyway.

• You make all the decisions around here. I just pay for everything.

• I get no respect around here. You always ignore me.

• Every time I'm sick you resent it; but when you get sick, you demand all my attention.

• I never get any time to myself.

• No matter how hard I try, it's never "good enough" for you

What new behaviors can partners adopt to reduce competition in a relationship?

• Refrain from being dependent on one another for approval, a sense of identity, or meaning in their life

• Share the power & control in the relationship

• Problem-solve conflicts creatively with a "win-win" resolution

• Let go of the fantasies, which are barriers in the relationship

• Openly admit the barrier behavior that causes problems in the relationship

• Openly discuss the need for outside professional help; mutually seek such help

• Recognize when changes are needed & take the steps to make such changes in the relationship

• Recognize when irrational thinking is blocking relationship growth; replace such thinking with a realistic perspective

• Recognize when one or both parties needs to increase self-affirmative behavior & take the steps to accomplish this

What steps can be taken to reduce or eliminate competition in a relationship?

Complete the following activity:

The Competition Trivia Game   

Preparation : Needed: pair of dice, a timer, two sets of thirty question cards, two sets of 30 answer cards.

Purpose of Game: This is a game of trivia skill mastered only by partners in a competitive relationship. Competitive partners have the long-term memory skills capable of winning at this game.

Trivia Questions: Before you can play this game, you & your partner need to prepare 30 3" x 5" file cards. On each card you are to write a different "competition trivia" question.

A "competition trivia" question is worded as follows:

• "Do you remember when Y" (relate in 10 words or less an episode of competition between you & your partner)

• OK, for 10 points tell me:

• (1) the date or dates it occurred: (1 point)

• (2) what issues were involved: (1 point)

• (3) how you & I acted during this time: (1 point)

• (4) what you & I were feeling during this time: (1 point)

• (5) what the final outcome of this episode was: (1 point)

• (6) what would have been a better way to handle this problem: (5 points)

Trivia Question Answer Card: On a separate card (total of 30) you must put in the correct answer for each competition trivia question. Be exact & complete in your answers. Remember, your partner may present alternative responses just as valid as the single response you might come up with. So, you need to out-smart & out-think your opponent; on the answer card put in a response that would reflect your partner's thinking & feeling on the issue.

Before Game Begins: You & your partner need to complete the 30 question cards with 30 answer cards each before you can play your first round of competition trivia. Be sure to number each group of 30 question & answer cards with corresponding numbers.

Once your question & answer cards are completed you're ready to play Competition Trivia!

Rules for Playing The Competition Trivia Game 

1.     You need a pair of dice.

2.     Place each partner's set of 30 question cards in separate piles on the table. Shuffle the decks so that they aren't in numeric order.

3.     You need a score sheet & one partner to be the score keeper.

4.     Roll dice to see who goes first. The one with the lowest number goes first.

5.     When it's your turn, roll the dice. Deal out the corresponding card from the deck your partner wrote. For example, if you roll a "4," take out the 4th card from the top. Place the 3 cards above it at the bottom of the deck. This way the stack gets continuously shuffled; there's no way you or your partner can "stack" the deck.

6.     When it's your turn, hand the question card to your partner to read. You have only 5 minutes to answer the question. Your partner uses the timer to time you. When 5 minutes is up, you must stop your response. Your partner then scores your response & your score is recorded by the score keeper. Your question card is then placed somewhere where it won't be picked up again.

7.     When your turn is up, it becomes your partner's turn. Your partner rolls the dice & is dealt the corresponding card from the deck you wrote. The cards above it are moved to the bottom of the deck. Read the question to your partner. Your partner has 5 minutes to respond to the question, your partner's response is scored & the score recorded.

8.     Continue to take turns until one of you reaches a score of 300. The one who reaches 300 first is the winner.

9.     You can't win at competition trivia unless you can reach a score of 300.

10.    If you can come close to 300, that is good; but 300 alone is the winning score.

Tip: If you want to get to a score of 300, you'll need your partner's help in answering the 30 question cards the partner wrote. You're allowed to agree at the beginning of the game to help each other. This is designed to create a win-win situation.

Step 3: If after completing both sets of 30 question & answer cards & after playing competition trivia with your partner, you still a sense of competition in your relationship, identify the tools in the Tools for Coping Series that'll help you resolve this competition. Develop an action plan with the tools to work on this problem.

Step 4: If you're still have problems with competition after completing your Tools for Coping Series action plan, return to Step 1 & begin again.

Overcoming the Need to Fix

What is the need to fix?

The need to fix is:

• Compulsively driven behavior to rescue or help another person, place, or thing to be the way you believe it "should be.''

• Seeing another person, place, or thing as "in need'' & the automatic response pattern to this message.

• Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then that person can never fully be happy in life.

• Obsessive need to have every thing, person & place "perfect'' or "correct'' in order for you to be comfortable enough to be relaxed & accepting of them.

• Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are & the chronic attempt at changing them even if they're unchangeable.

• Acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what's good for them so you strive to correct their thinking to "see the light'' in your way.

• Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person, place, or thing that is hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that they're hindered from personal growth & accepting personal responsibility for their own actions.

• Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth & personal mastery in life.

• Interfering in business & personal affairs "to help'' people even when they haven't asked for your help or assistance.

• Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly involved & overresponsible in your relationships with persons, places & things.

• Result of a pattern of getting approval & recognition from others for "helping'' in the past with the belief that this is the only way you can have meaning in life.

What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?

If your compulsive need to control others by "fixing" them is not resolved, they you:

• Run the risk of developing a series of relationships with people, places, or things who become overly dependent on you.

• Run the risk of becoming a caretaker to many with few people giving you the healthy emotional support you need to be a fully functioning & coping human.

• Will be unable to remain emotionally detached when you run across a person, place, or thing which appears "helpless.''

• Experience people moving away from you if they no longer desire "to be fixed'' by your advice, solutions, or insights.

• Will never take care of your own needs because you'll have successfully avoided focusing on self by diverting your focus to fixing others.

• Become guilt ridden if people, places, or things which you're trying "to fix'' don't get "fixed'' & instead get worse.

• Might tie your identity into the "fixer'' role & never be able to enjoy a truly healthy give & receive relationship with anyone.

• Will feign "wellness'' as a mask to convince others you have found the answers "to fix'' them & thus remain static or reverse in your personal emotional health.

• Will hand out a lot of "I owe you's'' to those you fix in hope they will be there for you when you need them, unfortunately forgetting that your only worth to them has been the fixing you perform & they'll not "come thru'' the way you hope they will in your time of need.

• Might be the one who does all the work in a relationship & once you "stop the work,'' the relationship will die since you're no longer working at fixing it.

• Might become hostile, angry, rageful, or hateful to those whom you have "fixed'' if they don't give you enough recognition in return for your efforts.

• Might have successfully used everyone else's problems to divert your attention from yourself, the only one you have greatest odds of fixing because you can have control & change yourself best.

• Will increase in your low self-esteem as you lose yourself in "fixing'' others.

How is the need to fix a control issue?

The need to fix is a control issue because:

• It puts the "locus of control'' into your hands as the fixer rather than into the hands of those being fixed where it correctly belongs.

• If you are a "fix it'' person, you end up trying to control every situation, person, place, or thing to be "right'' or "perfect'' so that you can feel sane, safe & in control.

• Fixing is taking over the responsibility of another person, place or thing & being sure that the outcome for them is positive & in accord with your mental picture or ideal of the "way things should be'' in your world.

• It robs people, places & things of their freedom to be themselves because of your need to correct, change, or alter them to be the way you want them to be.

• Giving advice, offering solutions & directing choices puts you in a "power'' & "controlling'' position over those things you're trying to fix.

• In your enthusiasm to help, you run the risk of using threats, coercion, or intimidation to get others to do what you believe will fix them.

• In your compulsive, addictive, or obsessive need to fix, you might be taking on uncontrollable & unchangeable things which burn you out & leave you in need of being "fixed.''

• The sense of over-responsibility which leads you to need to fix others is a "de-powering'' of the others to take responsibility for themselves; it puts the onus of accountability on you if the solutions don't succeed. It also puts the recognition for their success on you rather than on those you're fixing.

• "Addicted fixers'' don't allow those whom they're trying to fix to become independent or to think & try things out on their own & create over-dependency on themselves to make things right.

• Being a "fixer'' is a powerful position which gives you a sense of importance, being special & a reason for being.

• Those being "fixed'' often feel "out of control'' in terms of what is happening in their lives & can become dependent on you the fixer to "do for them'' rather than to "do for themselves.''

• Although "fixing'' looks altruistic, it's really a sef-centered behavior because the outcome isn't so much for the other's  benefit but to make you feel good, relaxed, at peace in that things are the way they "should be.''

What irrational thinking leads to the need to fix?

Examples of irrational thinking which leads you to the need to fix other people, places, or things are:

• When you have the resources materially, emotionally, intellectually & energy-wise, you should always be ready to share these with others less fortunate than you whom you perceive to be in need of help & assistance.

• You should never stand by & not get involved when you see someone hurting & in need.

• You're rewarded in so many ways for the sacrifices you make to help others & it's a straight path to heaven if you give to others without any hesitation.

• You should give insights from your life experiences whenever you find someone in a similar situation.

• You should never wait for a person to ask for help since so many people are shy when it comes to admitting they don't know what to do with their lives.

• You must die to self if you're to gain eternal reward. To be focused only on solving your own problems is so selfish. Therefore, you're sure to gain a higher eternal reward if you dedicate your life to helping others no matter what are the physical or emotional costs to yourself.

• It's impossible to ignore a plea for help especially when it comes from someone who is obviously "helpless.''

• It's a real sign of your personal growth that, after a time in recovery, you can have the insights, answers, solutions & clarity of direction for everyone with whom you come in contact.

• You can burn yourself out just focused on your own personal growth so to revitalize yourself you should get involved with other people's problems to give you a better perspective on your own problems.

• What will others think of you if you don't offer help to someone who is obviously in need?

• Your meaning & purpose in life will be threatened if you aren't needed to fix, rescue, or help someone.

• Being a "fixer'' isn't something which you want to avoid being because it's the only way you have ever gotten people to recognize & to accept you.

Ways to overcome compulsive fixing

In order to overcome being a compulsive "fixer" you need to:

• Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their own lives & actions.

• Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the responsibility for the other's actions on you, which isn't where it belongs.

• Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you & those whom you desire to fix.

• Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is emotional support & understanding of their feelings concerning a problem rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.

• Establish healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things whom you feel driven to "fix".

• Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself & not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for what you do for them.

• Accept that in "helping'' another the goal & purpose is to help the other to help himself.

• Recognize that "doing for'' another isn't helping another get strong, healthy, or independent.

• Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational thinking & feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others free to "fix'' themselves.

• Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself & that all others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves.

• Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront you when you're caught up in the need to "fix'' them.

• Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places & things you feel compelled to fix.

• Recognize that the only way you can get significant others to recognize that they need help is to be "squeaky clean & healthy'' in your relationship with them.

• Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is your fantasy & dream & not necessarily theirs.

• Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they're ever going to fix it & that, if you try to fix the problem, then you're taking on ownership of the problem as your own.

• Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both parties must work on it to fix it if they're to come to a compromise & healthy "win win'' resolution.

• Identify that obligation & over-responsibility aren't healthy enough reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others.

• Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee'' relationship is unhealthy for you & the other.

Steps to overcome the "fixer" role

___ ( 7) Your need to control others

___ ( 8) Your fear of going insane if they don't change

___ ( 9) Your overemotional enmeshment or attachment with them

___ (10) Your need for approval & recognition

___ (11) Your need to be seen as a "helper'' who does good for others

___ (12) A martyr complex. This is your role in life to clean up the messes which others make in your life

___ (13) A sense that they can't do it without you

___ (14) A way of keeping the focus off your needs by keeping the spotlight on help of others

___ (15) The others don't recognize that you are an addicted fixer with them

___ (16) Your own low self-esteem & unhealthy way of thinking, feeling & acting

___ (17) Your inability to emotionally detach from others who are in a toxic relationship with you

___ (18) Your competitive need to look more knowledgeable, wiser & more "together'' than the other

___ (19) Your need to ensure that your current life isn't as dysfunctional as your past life was

___ (20) Your "pride'' that only you can correct or fix things for others

Step 4: Once you identify the "hooks'' in the relationship with each person, place & thing for whom you're an addicted fixer, then you need to develop rational, healthy alternative beliefs which allow you to "let go'' of the need to "fix'' them.

Step 5: You then need to get support from your own network of support to "let go'' of the need to "fix'' these persons, places & things.

Step 6: You need to give back to each person, place & thing the responsibility for their own actions & solutions to their problems.

Step 7: You need to seek your Higher Power's strength as you cease your "fixer'' role in the lives of these persons, places & things.

Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing into the "fixer'' role again with any person, place, or thing, then return to Step 1 & begin again.

Handling the Need to Control

Need to Control: A Self-Assessment

DIRECTIONS: Review the following reasons you may feel the need to control people, places, and things in your life. Put an "X'' next to those reasons usually true for you.

___    1. If you control other people, they'll do what you want them to do.

___    2.  It's a way to keep everything orderly, precise & predictable, so that you don't go crazy or insane.

___    3.  You hate to be out of control or to lose your control.

___    4.  If things don't go your way, then you feel you'll have to work harder or have to struggle to reorganize & correct them.

___    5.  You have a hard time seeing people you care for hurting because their lives are out of control.

___    6. You hate to have people see your true feelings especially if they're angry, unpleasant, or negative so you struggle to control them & keep them in so as not to upset others.

___    7. You're on the watch for being taken advantage of by others.

___    8.  You're afraid of being manipulated or led into doing something you really don't want to do.

___    9. When you see something or someone who needs to be fixed, you often step in.

___  10. You came from a dysfunctional or crazy homelife & you have no desire to repeat it in your current homelife.

___  11. You have an image, dream, or ideal of the way things are supposed to be & you work at trying to get it to be that way.

___  12. You're afraid that if you don't take care of things, things will never get done.

___  13. You feel if "you don't do it, then no one will.''

___  14. You're afraid that everything you have worked for will be lost, so you take control to ensure this doesn't happen.

___  15. When you feel intimidated, you compensate by taking more control of the situation.

___  16.  You find it difficult not to help when you are presented with a person or thing which appears helpless & out of control.

___  17.  You tend to hold to an "it's my way or the highway'' approach with people who don't do what you want them to do. You hope this will ensure they change their bad behaviors.

___  18.  You're frightened, scared, or nervous when things seem to be crazy or out of control so your first impulse is to take charge.

___  19.  You want everybody in your immediate life to be happy & you'll do whatever it takes to make it so.

___  20.  You know how hard life can be on those who go into it unprepared & unaware, so you do whatever it takes to make sure the people you care for aren't taken advantage of.

INTERPRETATION:  If you checked 3 or more, you have a tendency to overcontrol the people, places & things in your life.

Control Mechanisms: A Self-Assessment

DIRECTIONS:  Here are some ways in which you control people to do for you the things you could do for yourself. Put an "X" next to those behaviors usually true for you.

___    1. You act helpless, incompetent, or lost.

___    2. You make the other person feel very important & essential in your life.

___    3. You tell them reasons which are a lie why you couldn't get things done.

___    4. You feel self-pity & act out the belief that you have done everything for everyone in your life so it's your turn now to be taken care of.

___    5. You act tense, anxious & stressed out & incapable of caring for yourself.

___    6. You resort to threats of suicide or self-destruction to get others to care for you.

___    7. You give others a set of conditions they must do for you before you will give them acceptance, care, or approval.

___    8. You offer them rewards if they'll do what you want done.

___    9. You threaten others with withdrawal of attention, support, affection, or approval if they don't do what you want done.

___  10. You withhold your involvement, attention & concern if they don't do what you want done.

___  11  You play on their sympathy & concern by being a pathetic martyr, overworked & unappreciated victim.

___  12. You play on your physical or emotional illness, be it real or perceived, to get them to do for you.

___  13. You play on their need to be needed to get them to take care of you.

___  14. You play up to their guilt & overresponsible nature to get what you want.

___  15. You act dependent in order to give the other a sense of importance & value in helping you.

___  16. You fall apart when faced with having to do something which you'd rather not do.

___  17.  You play up to a person who has a need to fix things that things have gotten so "out of control'' for you.

___  18. You promise to change or reform the behaviors the other wants you to change in order to get what you want out of the other, never meaning to change or reform.

___  19. When you sense another person is pulling away from you, you feign a problem or need which you believe will get that person involved with you again.

___  20. You act as if you've forgotten to do something which you know the other will do for you.

INTERPRETATION:  If you checked 3 or more items, you overuse control mechanisms to get people to do what you could do for yourself. Now find out if others are controlling you to do things for them they could do for themselves. Go back and put an "X'' next to those statements true for people in your life. If 3 or more are checked, then you're being overontrolled by others to do for them what they could do for themselves.

Emotional Response: A Self-Assessment

___    5. You don't avoid letting others know if you're angry with them & yet you don't blow your cool in the telling.

___    6. You can show enjoyment, excitement & enthusiastic feelings when the event appropriately calls for such a response.

___    7. You're able to openly cry & grieve a loss event in your life.

___    8. You're able to do anger workouts over old, unresolved anger in your life so as to free yourself of the emotional burden & drain these repressed & unresolved feelings have on your emotional energy.

___    9.  You're able to express your violent rage & anger outbursts privately so that you can return to people in a more composed way to let them know in a healthy assertive way how angry you are.

___  10.  You're able to analyze your emotions at the time & to see if they're congruent or in synch with your thinking & actions. If they're not, you're able to figure out why & what to do about it.

___  11. You're able to not allow self-pity to be a driving force in your attitude about freely giving of your time & energy to accomplish what you want out of life.

___  12. If people in your life are acting out of control, you're able to freely express your feelings of disappointment or disagreement & yet not get hooked into being out of control with them.

___  13. If you feel intimidated by another person, you freely admit your feelings to yourself & choose not to let this person control the way you feel, think, or act.

___  14. You're able to admit feeling powerless over those things out of your control to change, fix, or rescue.

___  15. You're able to feel at ease & have serenity in letting go of the uncontrollables & unchangeables in your life.

___  16. You don't feel you'r alone in having to deal with the pressures of life because you feel you have a Higher Power to whom you can hand the uncontrollables & unchangeables over which you feel powerless.

___  17. You feel detached from the behaviors, actions & negative aspects of the people in life for whom you care a great deal & yet are not able to fix, rescue, or change.

___  18.  You're able to feel good about yourself with no guilt or remorse when you feel detached from the people with whom you have had toxic relationships in the past.

___  19.  You don't let fantasies, dreams, traditions, or promises of the way things are supposed to be interfere with your rationally experiencing life the way it really is.

___  20.  You have no need to be invisible or on guard so as not to be vulnerable to feeling hurt or pain, because you feel it's better for you to be vulnerable in life to experience authentic human growth.

INTERPRETATION:  If you checked 17 or less, then you need to work on control of your emotional life so that you cease to use overcontrol of other people in your life to feel good about yourself.

You need to handle your own feelings & not give others the power to affect the way you feel or express your feelings. Your feelings are something which you have the ability to control & change. They, along with your thinking & actions, are the only controllables & changeables you can influence, alter, or change.

What is locus of control?

Locus of controlmeans where you place the power to influence how you feel about yourself & others. It's important to determine if the locus of control is external or internal to figure out if you're susceptible to being controlled by others.

External Locus of Control

External locus of control is giving other people, places & things the power to influence your feelings about yourself.

External locus of control places approval, recognition, acceptance, reinforcement & affirmation of self-worth into the hands of other people, places & things. Unless others approve, recognize, accept, reinforce, or affirm your worth, then you feel worthless, non-approved, unrecognized, not accepted & non-reinforced. This makes you susceptible to being controlled by others' thinking, emotions & actions.

Internal Locus of Control:

Internal locus of control is giving yourself the power to influence your feelings about yourself.

Internal locus of control places self-approval, self-recognition, self-acceptance, self-reinforcement & self-affirmation of worth into your own hands. In this way it's only up to you & your own efforts at self-love & care to feel worthwhile, valuable, competent, skillful, creative, knowledgeable & capable of living your life for yourself & not controlled by others. You're then fully responsible for your own thinking, emotions & actions in life.

Locus of control is a "power" issue

Locus of control is a "power" issue. If you give others power over you, you overemphasize external locus of control in your life. On the other hand, if you empower yourself, you emphasize internal locus of control in your life.

In order to handle the control issues in your life, it's better to emphasize internal locus of control so that you're able to let go of the need to control & change others & concentrate on controlling & changing yourself.

What are some myths & realities about control?

Steps to handling the need to control

Step 5: Next identify how you control your emotional response to life. In your journal respond to the following questions which are based on your responses to Section III of this Chapter.

A. How well do you control your emotional response to life?

B. How much power do you give to other persons, places & things to affect your thinking, feelings & actions?

C. How often are your feelings out of control? How does it make you feel to recognize your feelings are out of control?

D. What irrational thinking underlies the over or undercontrol of your emotional life?

Step 6: Next you need to determine where you currently place the locus of control in your life. To do this, respond to this inventory by putting an "X'' next to the statements which are usually true for you.

__ A. You're able to maintain control of your belief in yourself as a good & worthwhile person despite what others tell you about yourself.

__ B. You accept & love yourself unconditionally at all times even in the midst of troubles, problems, failure & pressure.

__ C. You give no one but you the power to influence how you think, feel & act.

__