here comes the judge

YOU ARE KIND & GENEROUS most of the time. But occasionally you judge, label & disapprove of people - sometimes silently in your mind, sometimes aloud, sometimes for significant reasons, sometimes for petty reasons.

Judging people causes an underlying resentment that puts you in a bad mood & makes you tired. And it strains your relationships with people. The stresses from different sources in your life accumulate & this is a source you can do without.

And no matter how you do it or what the circumstances, when you pass judgment on someone, you're very likely making an error - usually committing at least one of these 3 forms of what cognitive scientists call distorted thinking:

1. Jumping to conclusions. We rarely know the motives or full story behind the actions a person takes & yet we come to conclusions quickly & easily that “he’s a jerk” or “she’s a fool” or “how rude” or “what a freak.” We condemn people far too easily.

2. Overgeneralization. A judgment normally involves summing up a complex human being in simple terms based on a few or even one instance. That’s poor science & faulty thinking.

3. Overconfidence in one’s own assessment. You don’t really know why other people do things. And yet you hold your judgments with excessive confidence. We all do it. Overconfidence in our conclusions is a fallibility of human nature.

THESE THOUGHT MISTAKES can be corrected with practice. The technique is simple: Pay attention to your assessments of other people & then question & criticize your judgments. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you overgeneralizing? Do you have enough knowledge to be able to make such an assessment?

Think about it rationally. Maybe you’re being too hasty. Maybe you’re being unnecessarily harsh. Haven’t you yourself done something similar? Sure you have. But there were extenuating circumstances that at least partially excused you, weren’t there? Maybe this person has reasons too, but you don’t know about them. It’s not only possible, it’s very likely.

Question your judgments & you’ll find that many of them aren’t worth much & you’ll stop holding them.

And what will happen? You’ll feel less stress. You’ll find your relationships gently blossoming in a new way. You’ll be able to talk to the person more freely. You’ll be more relaxed. Conflicts will be easier to resolve because you’ll be able to communicate without anger (no judgment, no anger) & without making the other person defensive (when you’re not judging, people don’t feel attacked, so they don’t get defensive). And in the long run, less stress, anger & frustration adds up to better health too.

Once you start paying attention to it, you may find out you’re in the habit of judging people a lot. Does this make you bad & wrong? No. Only human. Judging yourself is faulty thinking too.

Question & criticize
your negative judgments of people.

"At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was hungry & you gave me something to eat, I was naked & you clothed me. I was homeless & you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing, but naked of human dignity & respect. Homeless not only for want of a home of bricks - but homeless because of rejection."

What’s wrong with being judgmental?

Well, actually there’s nothing wrong with being judgmental…that would be a judgment wouldn’t it?

It’s just that judgments hurt. So the real question becomes do we want to behave in a hurtful ay that has negative impact on others & our self…or not?

A common element of most judgments is that we make a decision about someone without having all the facts, decisions that could impact our relationship with that person. Sometimes we’ll judge another, assuming we all have the same rulebooks or that OUR rulebook is the right one. (That’s a judgment right there!)

In many cases, judgments are palpable. Whether voiced or conferred non-verbally with a look or a sigh, when someone judges us, it doesn’t feel very good.

It’s common, in intimate relationships, to see partners judging each other’s behavior. Whatever the cause, judgments can look & feel hostile (anger intending to punish), sarcastic (whether cloaked in humor or just being mean) & controlling.

When we’re judging someone, we’re not being very kind or loving. Attempting to change another person’s behavior by withholding love or denying approval leaves the “judged one” feeling alone, angry, hurt, sometimes betrayed - not exactly emotions that endear us to each other.

What are the benefits of suspending judgments & just accepting others?

1. It frees up so much energy & attention to accept what is, whatever that means. Again, we aren’t talking about behavior that’s abusive or people breaking laws or violating personal boundaries. However if someone wants to dress in a certain way, or wear their hair just so, or cut their meat in a certain way…so what! If someone talks or walks or entertains in a unique way…so what! Letting judgments go frees your time & attention for more positive things.

2. It allows more open communications between people. When people feel accepted, they’re willing to be more open, more real & better relationships can develop. When there are misunderstandings, suspending judgments enables people to feel they can explain their feelings & their actions, in the spirit of informing…as opposed to in the fear of being judged & made wrong. Somehow there are fewer misunderstandings when people assume the best in each other & respect each other’s different rulebooks.

Our current healthcare & social systems aren't equipped to provide the help & answers we need. As long as we exclude our emotions from what causes our stress & illness, we'll never find the ‘cures’. 

We need to stop supporting a reality that is based on judging & condemning one another. Not only does this separate us as individuals, it separates us from truly knowing ourselves.

Peter & Tracy Tilma, owners of the Healing House, are part of a team of practitioners who can help you to heal on the physical, emotional & spiritual levels. Please call 403.270.3676 for a free consultation & info on their workshops & Open Houses  - www.healinghouse.ca

And my boss, now, there would be the ultimate relief. Nothing he said would matter & I wouldn't have to mount my own personal multiple choice test to determine which of his character flaws was glowing the most brightly that day.

Not judging anyone went okay for awhile, but eventually that bad habit began to slip back into my repertoire; old habits die hard. Eventually I found that I had to be constantly vigilant & mindful if I truly wanted to be free from my judging conditioning all the time.

Then I hit upon an idea. If I tried not being judgmental in just one setting or place & not all day long, perhaps that one effort would infiltrate the rest of my life, like a one drop of dye tints a whole glass of water. A baby can’t walk until she first crawls & I was going to have to take small steps on this path.

I chose the highway as the place not to judge others. So there I was, steeped in the culture of road rage, driving along trying not to judge those who cut me off, or who didn't seem to know they had blinker lights that they could actually use. I told myself that the person who almost sliced my car in half while talking on his cell phone was probably rushing to the hospital to care for a loved one, or maybe he just got some bad news about his bank account.

So far, being non-judgmental on the road hasn't transferred to my off-road life as much as I had hoped it would, but driving is certainly a lot less stressful. It really does work. So if you see someone taking a lot of really deep breaths as they toodle along, it just might be a fledgling Buddha taking small steps.

Hint from Madeline
If you’d like to try practicing not judging it’s important to be mindful. When you notice that you’re judging others’ behavior, take a couple of deep breaths & silently say to yourself: "judging" w/each exhalation. This works with other difficult thoughts that arise. For example, if you’re prone to anger, it’s helpful to note "anger, anger".

The important thing isn't to judge yourself! The knee-jerk reactions we’ve practiced for most of our lives will not disappear overnight. Be kind to yourself. Develop a light touch. I have a friend who says to herself, "Oops, I did it again!" Try to smile as you’re noting "judging" or "anger" or "wanting". Just being aware of your conditioning paves the road to acceptance & then to change.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

Mother Theresa

• Loss of love
• Loss of life
• Hellfire & damnation

How to Stop?

Just looking at these things will help. It's like watching a magician from the wings, the illusion is shattered when you look & pay attention. When you feel yourself spinning in blame, whether or inward or outward, stop & notice the mental activity. Noticing it will loosen its hold on you.

Next, since your goal is to heal your emotions / Will, try to let yourself cry the feelings beneath the blame. The first time you do this it might be surprisingly easy. The next time it might not be so easy. That's because the enemy, the pattern, the guilt / blame itself, is caught off-guard the first time. But after that it becomes aware that you're trying to break its control & it clamps down harder.

Blaming rage has been stuck spinning in blaming & acting out for so long that it knows no other way. The best way to start with stuck blaming rage is to make it non-verbal. Blaming rage IS a true feeling, & it can be cried, but it's one of the hardest feelings to get to because it's one of the most heavily judged & USED-by-the-enemy feelings. Good solid blaming rage that moves in sounds & tears is an immensely healing thing. But it needs to be allowed to really cry so that it doesn't continue to act out on others & cause more harm in the world.

You might need to use some tricks to get around the walls that suddenly appear between you & your real feelings.

• "Cross the pattern" - say something opposite from the spinning litany. If you're spinning in "It's HIS fault", try repeating, "It's not his fault", or something that addresses more of the true feeling underneath, whatever it may be. Perhaps - "He really does love me", or "He's so sorry". Whether it's true or not is not important. What's important is to jostle your pain enough to bring it bubbling up to the surface & let it cry. What's important is to get past the spinning blame & the walls holding the true pain in place.

• Act it out - let yourself go really deeply in to a scenario, act it out physically. Punch a pillow, hit yourself with a pillow. Try not to do any actual damage, but sometimes doing something physical or in role playing helps to get the feelings moving.

• Hold still. Be quiet. You'd be surprised how much feeling will bubble up when you just be still & quiet & don't try to talk or think or move to distract yourself from your pain.

• Write it down. This helps me sometimes, although I can tend to get lost in the words on the page. Always try to remember it's not the words that matter. The goal is to get the tears flowing. If it doesn't bring up tears, try something else.

Once you've cried the true feelings under the blame, then the majik happens.

You'll find new & creative ways to resolve your relationships. You may need to talk to the person about your angry / hurt feelings, but you'll be able to do it without attacking them. And if the relationship needs to be severed, you'll be able to do it without guilt or shame or doubt.

And you'll find new acceptance for yourself, faults & all. You'll be able to take up the space that belongs to you & take your life back from the guilt that has been sitting in your rightful place.

It won't happen all at once & it's not easy. It's a process, it's a path you walk one step at a time. But as long as you keep crying, you can't help but move forward. That's the real magic.

Judgment is a poison

Judgment is like a poison, making us run scared.  We don’t enjoy life, we do things for the wrong reasons, we neglect our families, we make bad decisions. It drives us to accomplish accomplish accomplish towards a goal defined by others or by our fears & it destroys our values as we focus on being "judged well" by others.

It makes us superficial. It allows society to brainwash us.  Our best protection against the powers of manipulation is our own good judgment & we're turning our back on ourselves because we're afraid of being judged by others, thereby allowing maladies, fears & outright stupidity to be spread around like a virus.

Judgment is usually about people's intentions, not reality

Distortion: Self Esteem Vs. Humanity Vs. Clarity

Where does this virus of judgment start?  It typically starts in our childhood. One of our yin and yangs is the desire to be a good person & our self-esteem.  If these are in balance, we probably have a good sense of "reality", forming our perceptions of the world (our world) as a combination of what we see, what we want to see & ideas / thoughts from others.

However, if one of these is out of balance, what do we do: i.e., if our self-esteem is lowered, because we've been ridiculed by somebody, or we've failed at something, we're out of balance. Or if we do something bad accidentally to hurt somebody, we're out of balance. 

We can do one of 2 things:

•  Fix the problem, make amends, etc, to put us back into balance.

OR

• Change our perception of reality, to put us back into balance.  (i.e., believe that we're good, that we're worthy, thru various mechanisms such as delusion, blame, etc.). By the way, this is easier to do in the short run.

Unfortunately, when we first encounter this problem, we're children.  Most commonly our self-esteem is shattered by teachers, friends, or parents, who criticized us w/out the corresponding compassion that reminds us that it's OK. 

We might then begin a lifelong path of twisting our perception of reality & that in & of itself appears "normal" to us.  We become accustom to looking outward & never inward. We become sensitive to judgment, getting used to changing reality, not listening to others clear, etc., to maintain our self-esteem. 

We fight to maintain our self-esteem.  We try to control outcomes & people's judgement of ourself.  We want everything to be perfect because if something goes wrong that's out of our control, even if we prepared for the possibility, we're afraid of being judged.. 

And invariably & subconsciously, we start judging others, as we begin to make our view of other people about ourselves rather than about them as we constantly compare ourselves to others & spend an inordinate amount of time, ensuring that our self-esteem is maintained, always feeling judged.. This becomes ingrained in us & the cloud of judgment looms over us, over others & over our relationship with others.

And why do we feel judged?  Because we're being judged by others, just as we're judging them!

Practice Exercises:

"We Can Learn to Love Ourselves & Others by Forgiving, Rather than Judging"

• Individual Exercise:

As a tool, the mind uses "good judgment" to help make decisions in our everyday world. But when we apply the same tool to our relationships with others, or to our perception of ourselves, the result can be quite unproductive.

Judgment frequently becomes the means by which we cut ourselves off from our natural connections with others & with Life. The result is that we find ourselves feeling disconnected, set apart & yes, even judged.

For 5 minutes at the beginning of your day, sit quietly. Consider the ways you feel "judged". Silently, but clearly, acknowledge this, saying something like "Regarding this person (name them), or situation (name it), I feel judged.", or "I judge myself for (name the behavior or quality)." Then place your hands over your heart & offer this thought, repeated slowly & silently for several minutes: "Only my own judgments bind me, & only my own forgiveness sets me free."

Throughout the day, as you encounter the temptation to judge another or yourself, say quickly to yourself, "Only my own judgments bind me & only my own forgiveness sets me free."

• Individual Exercise:

When we judge others, we bind them to the past as we see it, & by our own decision. In doing so, we set about to reinforce in our mind, the erroneous belief that we, too, are bound to the past.

In the process, we completely overlook the present moment & our connection to it. For 5 minutes at the end of your day, sit quietly in a quiet place. Gently review your day & take note of any situations in which you let your judgment of another rule your perception of them.

Acknowledge this clearly, saying: "In this situation regarding (name the person), I let my judgment overshadow my connection with him/her." Then imagine that a loving being approaches you both & offers to you both a peaceful gaze or touch. Ask this loving being how to see things differently & wait gently & patiently for a loving thought to arrive. Finish by saying silently to yourself, 5 times: "I can't see clearly through clouds of judgment, but I am willing to see with the eyes of Love."

• Individual Exercise:

We can't judge truly based on limited evidence. And the narrow perspectives with which we judge ourselves & others are based on our own limited interpretation of what the world is, or should be. Therefore, when we judge based on our own views, we are bound to judge wrongly. Still, there is another way. For 5 minutes at the beginning of your day, sit quietly in a quiet place. For the first minute, remember how it feels to judge & be judged. Then release it, by your wish to see things differently. Repeat slowly & thoughtfully, "Above all else, I want to see differently, that I may truly be free."

At least one more time today, perhaps when you feel the weight of judgment on yourself or another, sit quietly for one minute, reminding yourself: "Above all else, I want to see differently, that I may truly be free."

• Individual Exercise:

Whenever you feel guilt, you can be sure that judgment is at work, removing you from your natural connection with Life. But when you take time to connect with Life on Its terms, your connection with Life is reestablished, because connection is your natural state in Love. Take 5 minutes at the beginning of your day to connect with Life. Take a slow walk, or spend 5 minutes gazing out the window, or listen to an inspiring piece of music, or read a poem, or sing a song. Dedicate this 5 minutes to this single task & connect with Life as deeply as you can during that time.

During the day, whenever you find yourself feeling guilty, recall what it felt like to be connected with Life & make that connection again if you can.

• Individual Exercise:

The past is over, but our thoughts about it persist. The conventional view of "forgiveness" says, "I've been wronged, but I'll pretend it didn't matter & remember to rise above the past." (Whew! Tiring, huh?) A new model of forgiveness says, "I give the past permission to be exactly as it was & start my life anew right now." For 5 minutes at the beginning of your day, quietly reflect on past issues that cause you discomfort.

Acknowledge each one silently in your mind, saying, "In this situation regarding (name it), I give the past permission to be exactly as it was." After a few minutes of review, place your hands over your heart & sink gently into that quiet peaceful place where Love lives inside of you. Help yourself gently, by affirming again & again, "In Love's gentle Heart, I start my life anew right now."

Throughout the day, whenever you find yourself occupied with thoughts of the past, say silently, "I give the past permission to be exactly as it was & start my life anew right now."

• Individual Exercise:

Another model of "forgiveness" suggests that "letting go" is important in releasing ourselves & others from the past. But what does "letting go" mean? Perhaps, it is a willingness to trust Life as it is right now, in this very moment. If we're used to "clinging" to the past, letting go can be an unfamiliar thing for us. For 5 minutes sometime during your day, sit quietly. Reflect on the ways you "cling", perhaps saying: "In regards to (name the person or situation), I cling to ideas from the past (& name the ideas). Then, with eyes closed & ears open, come fully into the present moment by listening to the SOUNDS around you. Sit perfectly stark still & listen. If the mind distracts you with chatter, dismiss it gently but firmly, reminding yourself: "I am listening now..." Then listen again. Hear every tiny sound. As your time draws to a close, repeat 5 times, slowly: "Life is all around me & I am a part of it; I am willing to trust Life now."

At least 3 times today (& once per hour if you can), take a moment to listen to the sounds around you & say silently, "Life is all around me & I am a part of it; I am willing to trust Life now."

• Individual Exercise:

Another model of forgiveness doesn't dwell on the past at all. Instead, it acknowledges the issue, then gives the mind something positive & loving to do, in the moment, now. We call this process "blessing" & it serves to turn the mind to "appreciation" which is the natural outcome of true forgiveness. For 5 minutes at the beginning of your day, sit quietly. Call to mind any issues from the past which cause discomfort for you. Then, remember any persons involved in this issue (yourself or others) & imagine that you can see them as they are now. Visualize them as clearly as you can. Picture a benevolent being standing beside you, if you feel you need help. Then bless them & yourself, by saying: "May you be free of suffering; may you dwell in the Heart of peace." Close by saying 3 times, slowly (& including yourself): "May all beings be free of suffering; may all beings dwell in the Heart of peace."