here comes the judge

YOU ARE KIND & GENEROUS most of the time. But occasionally you judge, label & disapprove of people - sometimes silently in your mind, sometimes aloud, sometimes for significant reasons, sometimes for petty reasons.

Judging people causes an underlying resentment that puts you in a bad mood & makes you tired. And it strains your relationships with people. The stresses from different sources in your life accumulate & this is a source you can do without.

And no matter how you do it or what the circumstances, when you pass judgment on someone, you're very likely making an error - usually committing at least one of these 3 forms of what cognitive scientists call distorted thinking:

1. Jumping to conclusions. We rarely know the motives or full story behind the actions a person takes & yet we come to conclusions quickly & easily that “he’s a jerk” or “she’s a fool” or “how rude” or “what a freak.” We condemn people far too easily.

2. Overgeneralization. A judgment normally involves summing up a complex human being in simple terms based on a few or even one instance. That’s poor science & faulty thinking.

3. Overconfidence in one’s own assessment. You don’t really know why other people do things. And yet you hold your judgments with excessive confidence. We all do it. Overconfidence in our conclusions is a fallibility of human nature.

THESE THOUGHT MISTAKES can be corrected with practice. The technique is simple: Pay attention to your assessments of other people & then question & criticize your judgments. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you overgeneralizing? Do you have enough knowledge to be able to make such an assessment?

Think about it rationally. Maybe you’re being too hasty. Maybe you’re being unnecessarily harsh. Haven’t you yourself done something similar? Sure you have. But there were extenuating circumstances that at least partially excused you, weren’t there? Maybe this person has reasons too, but you don’t know about them. It’s not only possible, it’s very likely.

Question your judgments & you’ll find that many of them aren’t worth much & you’ll stop holding them.

And what will happen? You’ll feel less stress. You’ll find your relationships gently blossoming in a new way. You’ll be able to talk to the person more freely. You’ll be more relaxed. Conflicts will be easier to resolve because you’ll be able to communicate without anger (no judgment, no anger) & without making the other person defensive (when you’re not judging, people don’t feel attacked, so they don’t get defensive). And in the long run, less stress, anger & frustration adds up to better health too.

Once you start paying attention to it, you may find out you’re in the habit of judging people a lot. Does this make you bad & wrong? No. Only human. Judging yourself is faulty thinking too.

Question & criticize
your negative judgments of people.

"At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was hungry & you gave me something to eat, I was naked & you clothed me. I was homeless & you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing, but naked of human dignity & respect. Homeless not only for want of a home of bricks - but homeless because of rejection."

What’s wrong with being judgmental?

Well, actually there’s nothing wrong with being judgmental…that would be a judgment wouldn’t it?

It’s just that judgments hurt. So the real question becomes do we want to behave in a hurtful ay that has negative impact on others & our self…or not?

A common element of most judgments is that we make a decision about someone without having all the facts, decisions that could impact our relationship with that person. Sometimes we’ll judge another, assuming we all have the same rulebooks or that OUR rulebook is the right one. (That’s a judgment right there!)

In many cases, judgments are palpable. Whether voiced or conferred non-verbally with a look or a sigh, when someone judges us, it doesn’t feel very good.

It’s common, in intimate relationships, to see partners judging each other’s behavior. Whatever the cause, judgments can look & feel hostile (anger intending to punish), sarcastic (whether cloaked in humor or just being mean) & controlling.

When we’re judging someone, we’re not being very kind or loving. Attempting to change another person’s behavior by withholding love or denying approval leaves the “judged one” feeling alone, angry, hurt, sometimes betrayed - not exactly emotions that endear us to each other.

What are the benefits of suspending judgments & just accepting others?

1. It frees up so much energy & attention to accept what is, whatever that means. Again, we aren’t talking about behavior that’s abusive or people breaking laws or violating personal boundaries. However if someone wants to dress in a certain way, or wear their hair just so, or cut their meat in a certain way…so what! If someone talks or walks or entertains in a unique way…so what! Letting judgments go frees your time & attention for more positive things.

2. It allows more open communications between people. When people feel accepted, they’re willing to be more open, more real & better relationships can develop. When there are misunderstandings, suspending judgments enables people to feel they can explain their feelings & their actions, in the spirit of informing…as opposed to in the fear of being judged & made wrong. Somehow there are fewer misunderstandings when people assume the best in each other & respect each other’s different rulebooks.