Kathleen

Do I establish Appropriate Guidelines within which my Kids Can Freely & Safely Function?

We've all at one time or another had the experience of driving down the freeway at night, when suddenly the road changes from rugged, worn, somewhat bumpy & kind of gray, to smooth as silk & black as coal.

All of a sudden, we see that the lines that had been there just seconds before, are no longer present to guide us. We also see that those reflective road bumps that are usually in the middle of the road & along the edge, are also gone & that we can no longer rely on them to tell us where we belong or what's expected of us.

We've lost the guidelines we had just moments before relied on to tell us what's expected of us.

It becomes obvious that very recently, highway crews have resurfaced the road & haven't yet repainted the stripes or replaced the little plastic reflector bumps that help keep us safe by showing us where we belong & what's expected.

We're no longer sure where the guidelines are within which we can freely function. To make matters worse, our anxieties & insecurities increase when we realize that the oncoming traffic has no lines either; nor do they know any better than we do where they belong & what's expected of them!

We're on our own, at least for the moment. And in spite of the greater freedom we now have to move around that has come with the absence of guidelines, we don't like it at all!

We don't like it because we want & need to know what to expect from others & what's expected & required of ourselves. In losing this structure - the well defined expectations for how we're to conduct ourselves; we also lose the feeling of security & predictability that's important for us to feel safe & secure.

At last & none too soon, the lines reappear & again, we know what's expected of us, as well as what we can expect from the on-coming traffic. And once again we feel safe & more secure, even though (or maybe because) we again have been given restrictions. We're free once again - within certain limitations - to move about freely & as we please.

When we give our kids fair & safe guidelines within which they may freely function, we provide for them the safety & predictability needed for the road they're traveling in life . While they may not always like or value those guidelines, without them they become insecure & unsure.

Without them, life becomes unsafe & unpredictable; with our guidelines, we give them safety & a certain degree of predictability.

This element of predictability is an important ingredient in our efforts to raise great kids who feel safe & secure. One of the reasons that we're all at best, "normal neurotics", is that none of us can predict what might happen next in life.

This uncertainty creates a degree of anxiety for all of us. Even though this absence of predictability provides us with some of the excitement we experience in our lives, it's also a source of some insecurity & anxiety as well.

The task of establishing guidelines - parameters within which our kids may then freely "move around"- is a tool we parents have that will help create in them some degree of safety & security in their lives.

It requires that we be as specific as possible about what we expect, & then to be equally specific & consistent about the consequences they can count on if they step outside our boundaries. This knowing ahead of time (predictability) strengthens their ability to think, consider, & process in terms of that all important "cause-effect" that we talked about in the section on giving them as many choices as possible.

We parents may not like to think about it this way, but our kids really do have a choice regarding whether or not they're going to stay within our guidelines. They do have the freedom of choosing to disobey, so it's important that they know what the consequences will be ahead of time.

This will enable them to process their decision in terms of, "If I do.........., then, I can count on............... I'd better not do it" (At least that's what we hope they decide!). In this way, they're more able to determine what their actions will cost them & whether or not that cost is worth the temporary satisfaction, fun, high, or whatever it is that the misbehavior gives them.

 

 

An unfortunate pattern that underlies the "disease" in our troubled world is the failure of many families to successfully teach clear, consistent, "cause-effect thinking" - "If I do 'this', then the result will likely be 'this'.....I'd better not do it". Evidence to support this notion can be found in any news stand.

It's possible for us parents to establish guidelines & parameters for our kids that are too narrow & limiting. When we do this consistently, we may create an excessively restrictive arena for them to practice & try out how to be.

 

 

Many variables enter the picture that can be used in considering when change or adjustment in our parameters is called for. i.e., our kids may demonstrate thru their increasingly responsible attitudes & behaviors that they're now able to handle something we haven't previously felt they could. With age usually comes a widening of the guidelines, but their actions must also show that giving them more freedom is justified.

We may at times be willing to "bargain" with our kids when they try to convince us that they can handle broader parameters. We may from time to time be willing to make a deal with them that if they abide by certain conditions, we'll give them a little more freedom. We too, must be wiling to learn by safe trial & error in our efforts to set healthy & appropriate guidelines for our ever growing, ever changing kids.

There are many other events & circumstances that help us evaluate when it's time to readjust the parameters & guidelines. And it's important that we keep an open mind to giving our kids a wider arena in which to experiment.

Raising great kids requires that we parents provide them with the safety that comes along with guidelines within which they may freely function. It's only in this way that they'll be able to discover who they are thru stretching, taking healthy & appropriate risks & by safe trial & error.

It's an awesome task, but an exciting one, indeed!

Parenting tips for setting limits with your children. All children need the security of limitations to their behavior, while at the same time needing to grow & explore their world.

Children need boundaries set on their physical movement & limits set on their behavior. A small tot needs to learn quite early that he/she shouldn't go beyond the fence or touch the hot stove.

Just as babies must learn not to run off the top of the stairs, children must be taught the physical limits of the world or else they could seriously hurt themselves.

The behavioral limits we set are the ones that enable the child to function normally within society. These limits give children a sense of security as well as a sense of place. Both are equally important. 

Parents shouldn't judge a child's disobedience or misbehavior purely as naughtiness on the child's part, it should also be viewed as learning experiences.

This doesn't mean that children should be allowed to do as they wish, this would amount to irresponsible parenting, but parents should let children know the consequences of their actions & then act when the disobedience or misbahavior reappears.

Oftentimes the parent will not have to act as the child's continuance will bring repercussions from others, particularly peers. This is how we learn, both children & adults.

Children will normally give strong indications as to when they want to push their physical boundaries. It's important for parents to recognize the child is doing this because of curiosity, because of the need to know what's happening "over there'.

If the parent rejects the desire to explore out of hand, without explanation then the child will build up resentment, but if the parent negotiates new limits & explains the reasons then the child will settle into the new routine quickly. Be aware though that these new limits will one day be questioned.

The ability to negotiate & the types of limits depends on the age of the child. Around 4 or 5 is a good age to start negotiating with a child, before this age it's usually necessary to send behavior messages thru physical restraint. Also, the types of negotiating become increasingly complex as the child matures.

A good place to start is to give a responsibility with the increased freedom. i.e., if your child wants to be able to go next door to play, they must come &d tell you first & must not go anywhere else, other than home.

Next door may be the only place that they're allowed to visit without your permission. Later on the rule might change to one where the child can visit next door or the park across the road but they must let you know when they're changing locations & they must first show you they have road sense before being allowed to cross the road on their own.

As the child gets older the physical limits get relaxed but the behavioral limits become a little more exacting. In this way as the child gains freedom they take on more responsibility, this sets them up for later on in life.

As an example, a parent could place a requirement on the child that they'll be polite to the adults & put away toys they play with while there.

By increasing responsibilities with the increased freedom the child learns unconsciously that there are increasing demands on the individual as they're allowed to do more, which will save a lot of conflict with parents later on.

Tips on Setting Limits & Rules

From Denise Witmer, Your Guide to Parenting of Adolescents.

 

Be Fair. On the flip side of the last point, don't add to the rule just because you're tired. If something has come up that makes you feel that the rule needs to be changed or added to, wait until you've thought it thru & been able to communicate it to your teen.

Don't forget your values. These are the things that make us the people we are, so don't be afraid to communicate them to your teen when setting the limits. Never be taken in by what other parents let their kids do. My standard reply to that is:

'Yes, well, to each his own.' Or you can say one of my longer replies, 'I'm sorry that it bothers you, but these are our rules, yours & mine. This is our family, yours & mine.'

When they come back at you with: 'Well, I wish I wasn't part of this family then!' Take a deep breath & let it go. That is a very normal teenage reaction to limits. It's their job to test them & push your buttons to do that testing.

Setting Limits w/Teens

 

As children move into the teen years they start to think more like adults. This is both good news & bad.

 

In the teen years a person can start to think about thinking. Teens consider possibilities as well as realities. This provides them the ability to analyze their own thinking & refine it. It also leads them to question other people & institutions. For many adults it's insufferable to watch a teen start questioning wise adults & time - honored traditions.

 

Yet it's an important development. As teens move into adulthood, they should have thought about what they believe. If they test, challenge & explore before they make commitments, they're more likely to hold enduring & sensible ideas.

 

As teens move into adulthood they're likely to hold values much like those of their parents; they will hold them as their own if they have had opportunities to test & think thru the values. As Ginott says, "No one can mature by blindly obeying his parents" (1969, p.150). To better understand teens, read the unit in this series, "The Challenge of Being a Teen."

 

Parents of teens have the challenge of encouraging such questioning & independence in our teens while helping them honor sensible principles of respect & safety.

Parents of teens should listen respectfully to their teens’ ideas. We can ask questions & offer our view but it isn't helpful to criticize or belittle them.

 

Teens turn out best when their parents monitor their activities. Wise parents keep track of their teens, their friends, their hobbies & their activities. When teens announce that they're going out, involved parents invite them to talk about where they're going & what they'll be doing.

 

There are times to set firm limits. There will be times when we need to say, "I don’t feel good about you going to that party." Teens are likely to resist. We can stay calm. "What else could you do?" When they still object we can reply, "I can see that you would really like to go to that party. Since you aren't able to go, what else could you do?"

 

When teens make rude comments or act insensitively, we can help them discover better ways of acting. Teaching is better than attacking. i.e., we might say, "I can see that you don’t like some of your classmates. When you say unkind things to them, they probably feel very bad."

 

Teens may play as if they don't care. But gentle messages of compassion have an impact. "We don't belittle their dreams & desires, but we reserve the right to stop & redirect some of their acts" (Ginott, 1969, p.150).

Be involved in positive ways with your teens. Maintain traditions of togetherness. Go to games together. Hike. Shop. Cook. Sing. Play tennis together. Doing things together can strengthen our relationships with our teens.

 

Applications:

• What are some of the things your teen is excited about? How can you support those healthy explorations?

• What are some evidences you see that your teen is making good decisions? In what areas could you commend him or her: "I’m impressed with the way you decide what movies are worth watching."

• Do you have a policy about unacceptable activities? i.e.: "We don't do anything that harms others or endangers our future." Talk with your teen about the policy that he or she thinks should be enforced. Encourage teens to work with you in forming family rules & policies.

For more information on helping your adolescent, you might enjoy reading "Between Parent and Teenager" by Haim Ginott.

 

Adapted from Arkansas Cooperative Extension System

1) 1st establish the basic core rules which must be abided, then support these core rules by establishing several preventative rules.

A core rule could be that your teen isn't allowed to do drugs. Therefore, preventative rules could include that they must tell you where they're going & who they're with. If a rule is that the child do their best in school, then the preventative rules could be that they have good attendance & do their homework.

2) Once you have established your set of rules, compliance with the rules will depend on 4 things:

     1. The rules must be clearly defined & understood.
     2. The rules must be monitored.
     3. The rules must be enforced.
     4. Consequences are effective deterrents.

If any of these 4 things aren't in place, it'll drastically affect success. In the next sections, we will address each of these in detail.

3) Clarify the rules. If your rules aren't clearly understood, it leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings, conflicts & even manipulations. Many times parents assume that their teen understands the rules the same way they're intended.

i.e., if you tell your teen to clean their room, their idea of a "clean room" & yours may be miles apart. If you tell them to go to bed when a TV program is over, they may think that means anytime after the program vs. immediately after.

For these reasons, rules need to be very specific. To avoid misunderstanding, it's a good policy to have your teen write down or repeat back their understanding of any rule or expectation.

4) Keep monitoring the progress of rule following. Monitoring is essential in the administration of any rules. As parents, we must provide a safety net for our children by monitoring their behavior & successful completion of chores.

How much we have to monitor depends on the amount necessary for success. Some teens require little & some require extensive monitoring. Let your teen know that you'll be monitoring their behavior. This will keep them from being offended when they notice it & give them added incentive to follow the rules.

5) Be consistent. The hardest, yet most important thing parents can do is to be consistent. A rule, or understanding, that isn't enforced can be the same as having no rule at all & can undermine the well being of a family.

In order for our teens to feel safe, they need to know they can count on us to be consistent & dependable. If a violation occurs, we need to consistently enforce the PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED consequence.

A difficult teen will test the boundaries at every chance to see what their true limits will be. That makes consistency so essential. Letting small things slide until th