welcome to feeling emotional, 3 !!!!

feeling limited

Home
feeling jealous
feelings of joy
joyless
feeling judged - judgmental
feeling justified
kind feelings, feelings of kindness
feeling liberated
feeling limited
feeling lonely
feeling loved
feeling manipulated
feeling mean, mean feelings
feeling melancholy
melodramatic
miserable
misunderstood
motivated
naive
need - needed - needy - needs
need - needs - needy - needing 2
negative
neglected
neurotic
numb
welcome to the emotional feelings network of sites

A not for profit network of self-help websites.

Welcome! I hope I can help you find what you're looking for! Anytime you see an underlined word in a different color you're being offered an opportunity to learn more than what you came here for. It's important to understand the true meanings of your emotions and feelings as well as many other topics that are within this network. This entire network is set up to help those who want to help themselves find a sense of peace in their lives - discover who resides within and recover from whatever life has dealt you. Clicking on the underlined link words will open a new window so whatever page you began on will remain waiting for you to get back to it!

 

If you can't find what you're looking for here, scroll down to see an entire menu of what is offered within the emotional feelings network of sites! 

 

kathleen

remembering september eleventh
forever free: remembering september eleventh
always & forever

Your dictionary definition of:
 
lim·it   
n.
  1. The point, edge, or line beyond which something cannot or may not proceed.
  2. limits The boundary surrounding a specific area; bounds: within the city limits.
  3. A confining or restricting object, agent, or influence.
  4. The greatest or least amount, number, or extent allowed or possible: a withdrawal limit of $200; no minimum age limit.

Informal. One that approaches or exceeds certain limits, as of credibility, forbearance, or acceptability: He is the limit of irresponsibility.

tr.v. lim·it·ed, lim·it·ing, lim·its
  1. To confine or restrict within a boundary or bounds.

click on this picture to visit nurture 101 now!

 
There's a new site in the network! I am almost finished completing each page, but I can't wait anymore to tell you all about it! Please pay it a visit soon! It's an important topic!
 

read my personal blog about living with emotional feelings!
 
 
and you can help support me in my writing ventures by visiting my health and happiness column for the Dayton, Ohio area by clicking here! Even though you don't live in the Dayton area you can get some great health and happiness ideas by reading my column and then looking for something similar in your area!
 
I do appreciate you so much!
 
 

click the link to send me an e-mail now!!!!!

click here to send me an e-mail!

divider
divider
divider

Do I establish Appropriate Guidelines within which my Kids Can Freely and Safely Function?


We've all at one time or another had the experience of driving down the freeway at night, when suddenly the road changes from rugged, worn, somewhat bumpy and kind of gray, to smooth as silk and black as coal.

All of a sudden, we see that the lines that had been there just seconds before, are no longer present to guide us. We also see that those reflective road bumps that are usually in the middle of the road and along the edge, are also gone and that we can no longer rely on them to tell us where we belong or what's expected of us.

We've lost the guidelines we had just moments before relied on to tell us what's expected of us.

It becomes obvious that very recently, highway crews have resurfaced the road and haven't yet repainted the stripes or replaced the little plastic reflector bumps that help keep us safe by showing us where we belong and what's expected.

divider

We're no longer sure where the guidelines are within which we can freely function. To make matters worse, our anxieties and insecurities increase when we realize that the oncoming traffic has no lines either; nor do they know any better than we do where they belong and what's expected of them!

We're on our own, at least for the moment. And in spite of the greater freedom we now have to move around that has come with the absence of guidelines, we don't like it at all!

We don't like it because we want and need to know what to expect from others and what's expected and required of ourselves. In osing this structure - the well defined expectations for how we're to conduct ourselves; we also lose the feeling of security and predictability that's important for us to feel safe and secure.

At last and none too soon, the lines reappear and again, we know what's expected of us, as well as what we can expect from the on-coming traffic. And once again we feel safe and more secure, even hough (or maybe because) we again have been given restrictions. We're free once again - within certain limitations - to move about freely and as we please.

divider

When we give our kids fair and safe guidelines within which they may freely function, we provide for them the safety and predictability needed for the road they're traveling in life . While they may not always like or value those guidelines, without them they become insecure and unsure.

Without them, life becomes unsafe and unpredictable; with our guidelines, we give them safety and a certain degree of predictability.

This element of predictability is an important ingredient in our efforts to raise great kids who feel safe and secure. One of the reasons that we're all at best, "normal neurotics", is that none of us can predict what might happen next in life.

This uncertainty creates a degree of anxiety for all of us. Even though this absence of predictability provides us with some of the excitement we experience in our lives, it's also a source of some insecurity and anxiety as well.

The task of establishing guidelines - parameters within which our kids may then
freely "move around"- is a tool we parents have that will help create in them some degree of safety and security in their lives.

divider

It requires that we be as specific as possible about what we expect, & then to be equally specific & consistent about the consequences they can count on if they step outside our boundaries. This knowing ahead of time (predictability) strengthens their ability to think, consider, & process in terms of that all important "cause-effect" that we talked about in the section on giving them as many choices as possible.

We parents may not like to think about it this way, but our kids really do have a choice regarding whether or not they're going to stay within our guidelines. They do have the freedom of choosing to disobey, so it's important that they know what the consequences will be ahead of time.

This will enable them to process their decision in terms of, "If I do.........., then, I can count on............... I'd better not do it" (At least that's what we hope they decide!). In this way, they're more able to determine what their actions will cost them & whether or not that cost is worth the temporary satisfaction, fun, high, or whatever it is that the misbehavior gives them.

divider

Knowing what our kids can count on from us & learning how to process their decisions in terms of cause-effect, is important preparation for life later on.
 
There will always be authority to comply within their lives, so being able to determine expectations & consequences is a skill essential to living a healthy adult life. While authority is certainly not always correct, it does provide us with the needed structure for our living civil & decent lives in a crowded world.
 
An unfortunate pattern that underlies the "disease" in our troubled world is the failure of many families to successfully teach clear, consistent, "cause-effect thinking" - "If I do 'this', then the result will likely be 'this'.....I'd better not do it". Evidence to support this notion can be found in any news stand.

It's possible for us parents to establish guidelines & parameters for our kids that are too narrow & limiting. When we do this consistently, we may create an excessively restrictive arena for them to practice & try out how to be.

divider

It's important to remember that our kids are in the process of becoming & that they'll learn about themselves thru trial & error. This area of freedom that we create within our guidelines is the place they will learn & it's essential that we give them the appropriate amount of space in which to do this.

If the guidelines we establish are too restrictive, they'll be less likely to safely test, explore & to learn. Kids who're not given appropriately broad parameters may just give up & passively accept life as happening to them.
 
Or they may do the opposite & rebel against their excessively restrictive guidelines in dangerous & destructive ways. Neither is a healthy or desired alternative for our kids.

On the other hand, when parameters & guidelines are established that are too broad, other difficulties may arise for our kids; they may be overwhelmed & unable to take healthy, safe risks that might otherwise help them grow & mature.
 
Parameters that are too broad allow freedoms that they aren't yet ready for & may cause them to take risks that aren't safe & to test in ways that could be destructive to them.

divider

When our parameters are too broad, they provide little of the safety that's needed for our kids to experiment, to discover & to learn. When we establish parameters that are too broad, it becomes unsafe for them to fail & the results can be damaging & may have negative long term affects. It's often the case too, that when the guidelines for kids are excessively wide & unsafe, they will test, push & challenge until someone comes along & tightens the restrictions to a degree that they feel safe.
 
In a way, this kind of behavior is a cry for help.
As if all of this weren't enough for us parents to accomplish! While it's important that we wisely establish parameters that aren't too broad & at the same time, not too narrow, it's equally important to know how far to adjust them & also when it seems appropriate to do so.
 
Many variables enter the picture that can be used in considering when change or adjustment in our parameters is called for. i.e., our kids may demonstrate thru their increasingly responsible attitudes & behaviors that they're now able to handle something we haven't previously felt they could. With age usually comes a widening of the guidelines, but their actions must also show that giving them more freedom is justified.

divider

We may at times be willing to "bargain" with our kids when they try to convince us that they can handle broader parameters. We may from time to time be willing to make a deal with them that if they abide by certain conditions, we'll give them a little more freedom. We too, must be wiling to learn by safe trial & error in our efforts to set healthy & appropriate guidelines for our ever growing, ever changing kids.

There are many other events & circumstances that help us evaluate when it's time to readjust the parameters & guidelines. And it's important that we keep an open mind to giving our kids a wider arena in which to experiment.

Raising great kids requires that we parents provide them with the safety that comes along with guidelines within which they may freely function. It's only in this way that they'll be able to discover who they are thru stretching, taking healthy & appropriate risks & by safe trial & error.

It's an awesome task, but an exciting one, indeed!

divider
divider
divider

Parenting tips for setting limits w/children

Parenting tips for setting limits with your children. All children need the security of limitations to their behavior, while at the same time needing to grow & explore their world.

Children need boundaries set on their physical movement & limits set on their behavior. A small tot needs to learn quite early that he/she shouldn't go beyond the fence or touch the hot stove.

Just as babies must learn not to run off the top of the stairs, children must be taught the physical limits of the world or else they could seriously hurt themselves.

The behavioral limits we set are the ones that enable the child to function normally within society. These limits give children a sense of security as well as a sense of place. Both are equally important. 

Parents shouldn't judge a child's disobedience or misbehavior purely as naughtiness on the child's part, it should also be viewed as learning experiences.

divider

This doesn't mean that children should be allowed to do as they wish, this would amount to irresponsible parenting, but parents should let children know the consequences of their actions & then act when the disobedience or misbahavior reappears.

Oftentimes the parent will not have to act as the child's continuance will bring repercussions from others, particularly peers. This is how we learn, both children & adults.

Children will normally give strong indications as to when they want to push their physical boundaries. It's important for parents to recognize the child is doing this because of curiosity, because of the need to know what's happening "over there'.

If the parent rejects the desire to explore out of hand, without explanation then the child will build up resentment, but if the parent negotiates new limits & explains the reasons then the child will settle into the new routine quickly. Be aware though that these new limits will one day be questioned.

The ability to negotiate & the types of limits depends on the age of the child. Around 4 or 5 is a good age to start negotiating with a child, before this age it's usually necessary to send behavior messages thru physical restraint. Also, the types of negotiating become increasingly complex as the child matures.

divider

A good place to start is to give a responsibility with the increased freedom. i.e., if your child wants to be able to go next door to play, they must come &d tell you first & must not go anywhere else, other than home.

Next door may be the only place that they're allowed to visit without your permission. Later on the rule might change to one where the child can visit next door or the park across the road but they must let you know when they're changing locations & they must first show you they have road sense before being allowed to cross the road on their own.

As the child gets older the physical limits get relaxed but the behavioral limits become a little more exacting. In this way as the child gains freedom they take on more responsibility, this sets them up for later on in life.

As an example, a parent could place a requirement on the child that they'll be polite to the adults & put away toys they play with while there.

By increasing responsibilities with the increased freedom the child learns unconsciously that there are increasing demands on the individual as they're allowed to do more, which will save a lot of conflict with parents later on.

divider
divider
divider

Parenting Adolescents
Tips on Setting Limits & Rules
From Denise Witmer,
Your Guide to
Parenting of Adolescents.
 
Communicate the limits. This should be done when you & your teen aren't at odds with each other over a certain rule. Find the time to talk it thru, sending clear messages to your teen as to what the limit, i.e., rule, is.

Let your teen have a say. Often, we're too quick on setting the rules. If you give your teenager the opportunity to help with what the rules are they're more likely to comply w/them. You may have to compromise on a few things. That's ok, because after a time period if the rule isn't working, it can be changed.

Be consistent. If the rule is no t.v. until after they finish their homework, then it needs to be that way every school day. We're not always in the mood to enforce the limits, that's part of what makes parenting so hard. Once your teen understands that the limit will be enforced even when you're tired, they'll stop testing that limit.

divider

Be Fair. On the flip side of the last point, don't add to the rule just because you're tired. If something has come up that makes you feel that the rule needs to be changed or added to, wait until you've thought it thru & been able to communicate it to your teen.

Don't forget your values. These are the things that make us the people we are, so don't be afraid to communicate them to your teen when setting the limits. Never be taken in by what other parents let their kids do. My standard reply to that is:

'Yes, well, to each his own.' Or you can say one of my longer replies, 'I'm sorry that it bothers you, but these are our rules, yours & mine. This is our family, yours & mine.'

When they come back at you with: 'Well, I wish I wasn't part of this family then!' Take a deep breath & let it go. That is a very normal teenage reaction to limits. It's their job to test them & push your buttons to do that testing.

divider

Setting Limits w/Teens

 

As children move into the teen years they start to think more like adults. This is both good news & bad.

 

In the teen years a person can start to think about thinking. Teens consider possibilities as well as realities. This provides them the ability to analyze their own thinking & refine it. It also leads them to question other people & institutions. For many adults it's insufferable to watch a teen start questioning wise adults & time - honored traditions.

 

Yet it's an important development. As teens move into adulthood, they should have thought about what they believe. If they test, challenge & explore before they make commitments, they're more likely to hold enduring & sensible ideas.

 

As teens move into adulthood they're likely to hold values much like those of their parents; they will hold them as their own if they have had opportunities to test & think thru the values. As Ginott says, "No one can mature by blindly obeying his parents" (1969, p.150). To better understand teens, read the unit in this series, "The Challenge of Being a Teen."

 

Parents of teens have the challenge of encouraging such questioning & independence in our teens while helping them honor sensible principles of respect & safety.

divider

Parents of teens should listen respectfully to their teens’ ideas. We can ask questions & offer our view but it isn't helpful to criticize or belittle them.

 

Teens turn out best when their parents monitor their activities. Wise parents keep track of their teens, their friends, their hobbies & their activities. When teens announce that they're going out, involved parents invite them to talk about where they're going & what they'll be doing.

 

There are times to set firm limits. There will be times when we need to say, "I don’t feel good about you going to that party." Teens are likely to resist. We can stay calm. "What else could you do?" When they still object we can reply, "I can see that you would really like to go to that party. Since you aren't able to go, what else could you do?"

 

When teens make rude comments or act insensitively, we can help them discover better ways of acting. Teaching is better than attacking. i.e., we might say, "I can see that you don’t like some of your classmates. When you say unkind things to them, they probably feel very bad."

 

Teens may play as if they don't care. But gentle messages of compassion have an impact. "We don't belittle their dreams & desires, but we reserve the right to stop & redirect some of their acts" (Ginott, 1969, p.150).

divider

Be involved in positive ways with your teens. Maintain traditions of togetherness. Go to games together. Hike. Shop. Cook. Sing. Play tennis together. Doing things together can strengthen our relationships with our teens.

 

Applications:

  • What are some of the things your teen is excited about? How can you support those healthy explorations?

  • What are some evidences you see that your teen is making good decisions? In what areas could you commend him or her: "I’m impressed with the way you decide what movies are worth watching."

  • Do you have a policy about unacceptable activities? i.e.: "We don't do anything that harms others or endangers our future." Talk with your teen about the policy that he or she thinks should be enforced. Encourage teens to work with you in forming family rules & policies.

For more information on helping your adolescent, you might enjoy reading "Between Parent and Teenager" by Haim Ginott.

 

Adapted from Arkansas Cooperative Extension System

divider
divider
divider

Rules & Limits

Along with discipline - rules are important - especially for the teen who is testing the boundaries of their independence. Here are some tips on how to have a healthy rule system in place that teens will respect not resent.

Set Better Limits

Limits & rules are necessary to create order & productivity, the lack of which creates chaos & confusion. Rules provide the basis for understanding what's expected. If you want there to be harmony between you & your teen, then there must be a proper set of family rules, understandings or expectations that are based on your family values.

If your teen is usually compliant & responsible, you'll probably only need a few rules. However, if you're dealing with a difficult or defiant teen, you may already recognize the need for more discipline & clearly defined structure.

divider

When Setting Rules:

1) 1st establish the basic core rules which must be abided, then support these core rules by establishing several preventative rules.

A core rule could be that your teen isn't allowed to do drugs. Therefore, preventative rules could include that they must tell you where they're going & who they're with. If a rule is that the child do their best in school, then the preventative rules could be that they have good attendance & do their homework.

2) Once you have established your set of rules, compliance with the rules will depend on 4 things:

     1. The rules must be clearly defined & understood.
     2. The rules must be monitored.
     3. The rules must be enforced.
     4. Consequences are effective deterrents.

If any of these 4 things aren't in place, it'll drastically affect success. In the next sections, we will address each of these in detail.

3) Clarify the rules. If your rules aren't clearly understood, it leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings, conflicts & even manipulations. Many times parents assume that their teen understands the rules the same way they're intended.

i.e., if you tell your teen to clean their room, their idea of a "clean room" & yours may be miles apart. If you tell them to go to bed when a TV program is over, they may think that means anytime after the program vs. immediately after.

For these reasons, rules need to be very specific. To avoid misunderstanding, it's a good policy to have your teen write down or repeat back their understanding of any rule or expectation.

divider

4) Keep monitoring the progress of rule following. Monitoring is essential in the administration of any rules. As parents, we must provide a safety net for our children by monitoring their behavior & successful completion of chores.

How much we have to monitor depends on the amount necessary for success. Some teens require little & some require extensive monitoring. Let your teen know that you'll be monitoring their behavior. This will keep them from being offended when they notice it & give them added incentive to follow the rules.

5) Be consistent. The hardest, yet most important thing parents can do is to be consistent. A rule, or understanding, that isn't enforced can be the same as having no rule at all & can undermine the well being of a family.

In order for our teens to feel safe, they need to know they can count on us to be consistent & dependable. If a violation occurs, we need to consistently enforce the PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED consequence.

A difficult teen will test the boundaries at every chance to see what their true limits will be. That makes consistency so essential. Letting small things slide until they become large things will create chaos, confusion & resentment. While most of us do this from time to time, it's very ineffective parenting. Consistency is the key. Follow thru on what you said you would do.

divider

6) Consequences & deterrence are important. Consequences should vary depending on the violation as well as the teen's response to the consequence. Some teens may respond to the loss of a privilege to go out, while others may not be bothered at all. The key is:

(1) to use consequences w/significant meaning to your child.

(2) the severity of the consequences should match the severity of the violation. Research has shown that immediate consequences are the most effective.

However, some behaviors are so severe that an immediate consequence wouldn't be strong enough by itself. That is why a combination of immediate consequences w/some follow-up consequences is often needed.

Immediate consequences might include such things as writing essays, time-out, room restriction, or a work project. "Immediate consequences" are defined as those administered on the spot & instituted before the teen resumes any normal activity.

"Follow-up consequences" are those applied over a period of time such as loss of driving privileges, book reports, a major (long term) work project, being grounded, additional household chores, or loss of a planned upcoming activity.

Again, a follow-up consequence is sometimes needed to provide an additional deterrent. Consequences used must be strong enough to be an effective deterrent. Otherwise, not only will consequences be ineffective, they'll most likely be ignored.

Disciplining Your Adolescent

divider

 
As your teenager is becoming more independent & is trying to develop her own identity, she may become more rebellious & begin to test your rules & limits more than she did in her school age years. You'll probably have to rethink your methods of discipline at this age.
 
Time out will usually not work on teens & they'll not blindly accept all of your rules. While you still need to be firm & set limits over important issues, you can learn to allow her more freedom as she continues to search for her identity & become more independent.
 
Limit rules to important issues, such as curfews, driving safety & household chores.

Some tips for effectively disciplining your adolescent child include:

  • trying to avoid power struggles
  • offer choices as often as possible
  • learn to negotiate more over some of the more unimportant rules
  • decrease the number of rules
  • be clear about what your expectations are for your child 
  • what the consequences of disobedience will be

divider

Some strategies that can work to improve your child's behavior include allowing your child to see the natural consequences of his actions (if she leaves her bike out & it's stolen, then she can't ride it), logical consequences (if she doesn't put gas in the car, then she won't be able to use it) & the most important at this age, withholding privileges (find things that your child enjoys, i.e., talking on the phone, renting movies, going out w/friends on the weekend, etc. & take them away when she misbehaves).

Always remember to be firm, consistent, calm & loving in whatever discipline methods you choose.

Communicating w'your teenager

While your teenager may seem like she is moving away from you, she will still depend on you quite a bit & she should feel like she can come to you w/questions & problems. When she does come to you, try & listen carefully w/out interrupting. Avoid criticizing or trying to fix all of your child's problems for her.

Instead, be supportive & offer suggestions on what you think is the right thing to do. And finally, be supportive of her decisions involving problems that aren't very serious. Even if she makes some wrong choices, it will teach to take responsibility for solving her problems.

Be more aggressive in intervening w/more serious situations, such as drug or alcohol use. It's also important to respect your child's growing need for privacy.

divider
divider
divider

Children & the Mass Media

How Setting Limits Will Benefit Your Children
By Greg Taillon

Gone are the days of children coming home from school, eating homemade chocolate chip cookies & then going outside to play w/ their friends until it’s time to do homework.

Today, older children are often home alone after school. As a result, they sometimes are tempted to spend their time being entertained w/video games, watching television, downloading music & chatting on the Internet instead of doing their homework & more active leisure activities. These temptations are all competing for children's time at the expense of their education, health & well being.

Childhood obesity, school violence, ADHD & poor reading & math skills can all be tied to too much mass media play in childhood. Too many children are neglecting schoolwork & exercise in favor of eating chips in front of the TV.

Fast-paced video games & television shows have shortened children's attention spans. Recreational reading is almost nonexistent. Even worse, the violence children see on TV is being replayed in the schools & basic reading & math skills are lagging way behind.

divider

Too Much Media Exposure

Children spend more than 38 hours per week being entertained by the mass media – almost 4 times the amount of time they spend on schoolwork. As a result, academics are suffering. According to research & standardized test scores, American students are struggling to read at proficient levels & most recreational reading has stopped.

Math skills are also lagging. Once children fall behind w/basic academic skills, they have a hard time catching up. This will have long-term ramifications on them, as the future will bring about more advanced jobs & fewer qualified people to fill them. These jobs include medical personnel, engineers, college professors & other highly educated or technical professions.

Overexposure to television starts at an early age. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no TV for children younger than age 2 & no more than 2 hours per day of high-quality programming for older children.

The truth is that many children watch much more than the recommended guidelines.

divider

The Effects of Excess

Since television entered the home in the 1950's, violence in the media & in the classroom has skyrocketed. Public school teachers often spend more time dealing w/discipline issues than teaching due to student violence & bad behavior.

Could mass media be the reason? Television programs are full of sexually explicit content & violence, as are many music videos & video games. The reason is that "violence & sex sells." But repeated exposure to violent media content can have drastic repercussions. The television news is full of stories of kids re-creating violent acts they saw on TV.

In addition to violent behavior, excessive media consumption can lead to other problems. ADHD or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, is on the rise today & too much television viewing could be a culprit.

A team of researchers headed by Dr. Dimitri Christakis at the Children's Hospital in Seattle found that television exposure at age 1 to 3 leads to attention problems by age 7.

Research published inPediatrics indicates that every hour of watching TV increases children's odds of having attention problems by about 10% (Elias, 2004). Fast television & scene changing may contribute to shortened attention spans among children.

divider

The good news is that parents can minimize the impact mass media has on their children by taking a few simple steps.

  • Enforce studying before play. Pick a consistent "study time" each afternoon or evening where your kids must turn off all media & study. They should devote at least 20 minutes for each subject they have difficulty with, but as a bare minimum they should spend 20 minutes each on reading & math.

If they don't have assigned homework, assign them some yourself. Set a kitchen timer & when the timer goes off, switch subjects & reset the timer. This rule can be expanded to include music practice, practicing sport drills or studying a foreign language. After their study time is over, they can play.

  • Limit video games. If you don't have a video game system in your home yet, don't buy one. If you have one & it breaks, don't fix it. While many parents believe that playing video games improves eye-hand coordination, no research proves it.

Playing a game of ping-pong or playing the piano accomplishes the same thing. Instead of having a video game system in your home, limit video game playing to arcades only. Have your children save their allowance or reward them w/weekly trips for good behavior or extra time spent reading. You've the added benefit of controlling which games they play & setting a time limit.

  • Monitor computer usage. Computers have been a blessing & a burden in most American homes. They've opened doors to knowledge, but the Internet can be a dangerous place for kids.

If at all possible, have your home computer in a public space in your home. Children will be less likely to venture into dangerous online territory if they know you can look over their shoulder at any time.

Also, take advantage of an ISP's protection package. Some programs can restrict access to questionable sites & others can send parents monitoring reports of their children's Internet usage. You should monitor their usage yourself by checking your computer's history file.

  • Limit television viewing. The best way to limit your children's exposure to televised violence is to turn off the television. Another option is the V chip. Limit television to one public room in the house.

Just as w/computers, this will give you more control over the content they're exposed to. If you have cable, ask your cable company to block inappropriate stations. You can even buy some children's television remotes that are only programmed w/the channels you specify.

  • Substitute other activities. Another way of limiting media playtime is to substitute other activities for your kids. Encourage them to play outside w/their friends. Take a walk around the block together. Help them find a hobby they enjoy that doesn't require electricity or batteries. Have them help you fix a healthy dinner. Make weekly outings to the library to check out books.

divider

This creates problems w/slower-paced tasks, especially reading. This shortened attention span, often accompanied by behavioral problems, frequently results in children either being placed in special education classes or being medically treated.

Obesity is another side effect of television. 64% of Americans are overweight or obese, including 9 million children. Eating habits developed in childhood continue thru a lifetime.

The top triangle of the USDA's food pyramid displays the foods that are recommended to be used sparingly. These foods are the ones that are most heavily advertised on television, radio & in print. They'e also heavily marketed toward children.

i.e., children are exposed to 150 to 200 hours worth of television commercials a year, many of them advertisements for "junk" food & fast food. A study conducted in December of 2003 reported in the journal Pediatrics that the more television children watch, the fewer fruits & vegetables they eat, probably because the advertising they see leaves them craving junk food instead.

divider

 
While not all the ills of children today can be blamed on the mass media, it's something that parents should be more aware of. Take some steps today to limit the amount of exposure your children are getting. Your kids might not be too thrilled with the limits you set, but they'll adjust. Model the behavior you want your kids to exemplify.
 
Read for pleasure, don't play video games w/your kids & don't watch trashy or violent TV shows w/your kids around. The sacrifices you & your kids make today will bring big rewards in the years to come.

divider
divider
divider

 
parents need to take responsibility for
setting limits from the earliest years...
the following examples are reasons for this statement...

August 03, 2004

Wimpy parents, bratty kids

Parents who fail to set limits are raising a generation of brats, writes Martin Booe in the Memphis Flyer. He tells the story of a 5 year-old boy at a mostly adult party. He starts by biting Booe, then goes for the window.

The youngster begins kicking the floor-to-ceiling window, which fortunately is made of Plexiglas. His father finally intervenes, taking the child by the arm & pointing out some of the window's unique features.

"You shouldn't kick this window because it's a very special window," he tells his son. "See how the frame ..."

And I'm thinking, Kid, you shouldn't kick the window because in another universe your father would have some vague concept of parental authority. Then there's a barbecue given by a professor named Donald John.

 
The party was underway when the sound of violin strings being plucked alerted him that something was amiss. Upon investigation, he found that the 6 year-old son of one of his guests had removed his grandfather's antique Italian violin from its case.
 
. . . The boy began darting thru the house, swinging the violin by its scroll, clipping it against walls & furniture as he led a merry chase. The mother declared that only she could defuse the situation, but each time she squared off against her son, he scurried into another room.
 
"It turned into a hostage negotiation, but it was all appeasement," John says. "She would offer him ice cream, & his eyes would light up for a second before he ran off again."
 
By the time the violin was retrieved, its bridge & neck were damaged. "The perplexing thing is that some of these parents seem amused when their children do this sort of thing," says John, the parent of two grown daughters.
 
To avoid unruly children, John, a nonsmoker, requests the smoking section when dining in restaurants because he finds secondhand smoke less irritating than the kids in nonsmoking sections. (It was a child skateboarding in a restaurant lounge who tipped him over the edge.)
 
"The Me Generation is raising the Me-Me-Me Generation," says educational psychologist Michele Borba.

Books on how to assert discipline are selling well, says Booe, so there are parents who see juvenile mayhem as a problem.

Personally, I raised my daughter to be the sort of person I'd want to live w/for 18 years. I frequently said (or shouted), I'm not raising you to be a brat!"  It worked. I like her. Other people like her. She likes herself.

considering parenting options from the beginning...

divider
divider
divider

Lessons in Brat Raising* by Dr. Kenneth N Condrell
 
(Even though Dr. Condrell's "Lessons In Brat Raising" was presented some years back, the steps he outlined still remain a sure fire way of accomplishing the task. To find out how, please read on & enjoy learning about the parenting pitfalls & traps that will help guarantee it happening )

No parent wants to raise a brat. Let's make sure you don't. The best way to not raise a brat is to learn the 5 mistakes that go into making a brat. This may seem like an unusual approach, but once you have learned what to do wrong you'll know w/greater confidence what to do right.

Here are the steps to take if you want to raise a demanding, selfish, rude, self-centered rascal who couldn't care less about rules & the feelings of others.

First, you have to get an early start. I'd say that around 18 months would be about right. It's at this age that parents are no longer dealing w/a passive baby. The baby can now walk & talk & is going thru a stage very much like adolescence. They're asserting their independence & want what they want when they want it.

It's the perfect age for brat development because so much of the normal behavior of this age is naturally bratty. In other words, you've got this little human being that can walk & talk & has practically no sense of self-control. An ideal candidate for a future brat if he is handled right...oops, I should say handled wrong.

divider

Step #2. Assuming you've started at an early age, the next step is to make sure you rarely point out to your child the things he's doing wrong. You must be really permissive & let him get away w/all sorts of things.

Try to be as patient & as accepting as possible. If your child deposits a banana peel on the living room couch, say nothing. If your child plays chemistry by mixing the orange juice w/the chocolate milk, say nothing.

If your darling starts munching cookies just minutes before you serve Sunday dinner, say nothing. At these times, you should say soothing things to yourself like:

  • "Isn't he cute?" 
  • "He's only a child." 
  • "What's a parent to do?"

The crucial point here is that you don't want to give the little rascal any idea he is bothering you or instruct him regarding what you want him to do. You see, a true brat never has been taught that this behavior is troublesome for anyone or that it'll have unpleasant consequences.

divider

A true brat just enjoys himself at everyone's expense.

Step number three: When you do give your child feedback on how awful his behavior is, make sure to do it in a wimpy way. In other words, give him a watered-down reprimand. Here's how to do this.

Scold your child, but at the same time look at him adoringly. Your words will express real disappointment, but your facial expression will be saying, "You're so precious to me."

In this manner your scolding will be immediately washed away by your sweet, loving look. This will convince the little beggar that you really don't mean what you say. He won't believe for one minute that his behavior is a real pain in the behind. Your attention & adoring look will encourage him to return to his pesty behavior before you can blink an eye.

Step #4 calls for setting limits & then quickly backing off. This is an essential ingredient for creating real bratty behavior. I'll explain how it works. Let's say you're really into the brat trap. You're real permissive. You hardly ever give your youngster feedback on how his behavior is affecting others. You're wimpy in your scoldings so he sees you're half-amused & half-annoyed & feels no urgency to stop his behavior.

But there comes a time when you can't stand it any longer, so you set a limit.

Here is how a parent would set a limit if bratty behavior is to be encouraged. Let's imagine that your 5 year old is playing w/the family car parked in the driveway. Sensing the danger of your car being shifted into neutral & ending up in your neighbor's lawn, you remove the little fellow from the car & say, "No."

You've just set a limit. You've taken action to stop some undesirable behavior. Now, however, you immediately walk away or become involved so you can't see the little guy sneak right back into the car. You see, a good brat learns that if he persists he can have his own way.

The best way to teach him this lesson is to set a limit & naively go on to something else, never expecting your child to break your rule. Weak limit-setting teaches that persistence pays off!

divider

You're now ready for lesson #5. To put the finishing touches on your little brat, make sure you take him everywhere you go. Say to yourself that childhood is just too precious & you don't want to miss out on any of your little one's experiences.

Where he goes, you go. By doing this you're teaching him one of the very important lessons that every brat has learned. Mommy & Daddy don't have a separate life from me...I'm everything to them. A good little brat believes he is the center of everything & more important than anyone else.

Let's review these lessons. To raise a really good brat you must, one, start at an early age. This will allow you to take advantage of the normal bratty behavior young children put out & encourage it to continue & grow. Two, you should strive to be permissive & rarely give your child feedback that his behavior is bothersome. In this way, you'll help him to learn to be insensitive to the feelings of others. Three, give mixed messages when scolding your youngster. This teaches that Mommy & Daddy don't mean what they say. Lesson four involves setting weak limits. Weak limit-setting teaches children that persistence pays off & they shouldn't give up trying to get their way. And lesson five requires that you hardly ever separate from your child for private, adult time. This encourages an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

If you follow these lessons carefully, by age 5 your child will be ready to leave home, enter school & drive his teachers right up the wall!

*(Reprinted from HOW TO RAISE A BRAT, Loiry/Bonner Press, 1985)

divider
divider
divider

Setting Limits w/Young Children
by Patty Wipfler

When children are under stress, they lose their patience, their love of fun, their easygoing ability to make each day a good one.  At these times, they tend to do things that don't make sense.  They'll begin to squabble, to insist on having things someone else has, or to want one thing after another, w/out gaining satisfaction.

At times like these, we parents can play a very positive role.  We can set limits on our children's behavior in order to help them relieve the stress they're under & regain their innate good judgment & joy in cooperation.  When you think your child is being unreasonable, here are the steps to follow.

Listen

Get down so you are at eye level & simply ask what's going on.  Ask your child to tell you why she's yelling or why she has to have the blue dress that's in the wash. She needs to talk about the upset she feels, if possible, to someone who isn't upset too.

Limit

If she's insisting on unreasonable behavior, you must step in. Tell her what you think is reasonable & then make sure that her unreasonable behavior doesn't continue. If your child is yelling at her brother, tell her it's not helping to yell, ask her to stop & if she can't stop, pick her up gently & bring her w/you into another room. 

If she's throwing toys in anger, put your hand on the toy she's about to throw & say, "I won't let you throw that."  If she's insisting on having a 5th cookie, bring her into your lap, away from the cookies & tell her, "Not now.  Later, you can have another, but not now."

No punishment is needed, no lectures are needed, no harshness is needed. Simply step in.

Children who are under stress can't think well. They can't process what we tell them, so they don't do what we ask. You must expect this & step in, gently but firmly, to see that they don't continue to do irrational things.

Listen

This is the "stress release" step, the one which will help your child immensely.  After you have stepped in to prevent your child from doing things that don't make sense, she will most likely begin to cry, storm, or tantrum. 

This is constructive. It's your child's way of getting rid of the tension that made her unreasonable in the first place. If you can stay close while she cries or storms, she will continue until she has regained her ability to listen, to be cooperative & to make the best of the situation at hand.

divider
divider
divider

Thinking About Feelings: The Role Of Meta-Mood In Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

By Susan Ansorge, Ph..D, Brett T. Litz, Ph.D., and Susan M. Orsillo

NCP Clinical Quarterly 6(2): Spring 1996

An enduring legacy of trauma for those who manifest the chronic symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is profoundly disrupted emotion. Persons w/PTSD can be strikingly sensitive to the most subtle of social stimuli & respond w/a torrent of uncontrollable affect on the one hand & on the other hand they may report feeling emotionally unresponsive to events that they recognize would otherwise elicit emotion.

Whereas individuals who are better adjusted regard painful or intense emotions as understandable & controllable states that can be effectively coped w/via a number of strategies such as self-talk & seeking social support or validation, persons w/PTSD are likely to respond to emotional situations in a limited & inflexible manner.

divider

Clinicians & researchers have described PTSD patients as limited in the ability to tolerate strong emotion & further propose that this deficit thwarts the recovery process (1).

Instead of allowing emotions to run their course & provide information to the individual about their experience of themselves & their environment, persons with PTSD often avoid the early warning signs of emotion placing themselves at risk for being overwhelmed by subsequent intense reactions.

In others instances they may be excessively vigilant & hypersensitive of the precursors to emotion & initiate any number of avoidance behaviors, some subtle, others extreme.

As van der Kolk and Ducey (p. 267) (2) suggested, "persons with severe PTSD are incapable of modulated affective experience; they either respond to affective stimuli with an intensity which is appropriate only to the traumatic situation or they barely react at all."

The range of emotional functioning difficulties associated with PTSD is acknowledged in the current nosology within each of the 3 major symptom clusters or categories (e.g., emotional reactivity associated w/re-experiencing, restricted range of affect & detachment associated w/emotional numbing & irritability associated w/hyperarousal) (3).

However, the mechanisms underlying these divergent symptoms aren't well appreciated in current theories of PTSD nor have researchers sufficiently examined them empirically (4-5).

The present paper describes one aspect of a program of research we have initiated to explore emotional dysregulation in PTSD. We outline the construct of meta-mood, or beliefs about feeling & discuss its applicability to the study of emotional-processing deficits in PTSD.

divider

An examination of the underlying mechanisms associated w/ emotional functioning in PTSD is of particular relevance in the context of the clinical situation. Clinicians who treat PTSD patients spend a good deal of time helping them take a different stance about their emotional experience.

Regardless of theoretical orientation, all therapists assist PTSD patients in identifying, acknowledging, explaining, accepting & integrating emotions related to traumatic events & their aftereffects.

In fact, working w/traumatic material at any but the most superficial level requires a degree of willingness to experience & competence in dealing w/emotional experience that many persons w/PTSD may lack.

Our research addresses the following questions that have direct relevance to emotion-focused clinical work w/PTSD patients:

(a) Are there generalized attitudes & beliefs about feeling that are unique to PTSD?

(b) are thoughts & feelings about feeling (meta-cognitions) related to the manner in which threatening trauma-related material is processed emotionally 

(c) might these overarching beliefs about feeling be appropriate targets in treatment?

divider

Affect Regulation & Affect Tolerance In PTSD

Several specific aspects of existing theories of PTSD (6-8) & limited empirical evidence (2) suggest that the difficulties in affect regulation evidenced by individuals w/PTSD may in part be due to what cognitive psychologists call top-down, conceptual, or executive cognitive processes that serve to organize & modulate affective experience.

To date, the specific roles that such processes may play in the etiology & persistence of PTSD haven't been adequately examined.

Recently, Litz (5) attempted to explicate the cognitive mechanisms underlying the emotional dysregulation associated w/PTSD. Drawing upon Levanthal's perceptual-motor theory of emotion, Litz proposed that the capacity to experience emotions at the expressive-motor or physiological level isn't impaired in PTSD.

Instead, emotional dysregulation in PTSD is proposed to be a result of a series information-processing events. Conditioned emotional reactions & other re-experiencing symptoms are considered primary manifestations of PTSD that serve to automatically trigger other secondary conditioned emotion routines (e.g., anger, sadness, shame).

In addition, conceptual-level, meta-cognitive processes (i.e., top-down rules about experiencing & expressing emotions) have a two-part influence on emotional behavior in PTSD. First, the conceptual rules that govern emotional behavior during states of hyper-reactivity & hyperarousal in PTSD patients are likely to be fairly primitive & are chiefly focused on coping thru cognitive &/or behavioral avoidance.

Second, over time, PTSD patients become predisposed to respond to a variety of emotional situations in restricted, inflexible, or excessive ways. These limitations are based on rigidly held attitudes & beliefs about emotion & the consequences of experiencing & expressing emotion (i.e., meta-mood processes).

Such higher-order cognitive processes in PTSD affect emotional behavior by cueing the activation of emotional routines (e.g., using anger as a means of obtaining control & creating interpersonal distance) as well as shape expressive-motor behavior (e.g., the extent to which someone smiles in the presence of a friend).

How might thoughts & beliefs about emotion or meta-mood play a role in the development of PTSD? Attitudes & feelings about emotion, especially in adults, are typically well formed prior to exposure to trauma & are likely to play a role in the experience of trauma & in recovery from it.

Meta-cognitive processes related to emotion may play an etiological role in the development of PTSD by facilitating or impeding the processing of the emotions & memories associated w/the event.

i.e., a soldier who enters the war-zone w/particular cognitive rules about emotion, such as the belief that feelings like grief & fear are unacceptable & uncontrollable, at the first thought or image of his lieutenant who had his legs blown off, might say to himself "dwelling on this will cause me to become very upset which is unacceptable & dangerous.

I might start to cry & completely lose all control of myself." A belief such as this would likely interfere w/this soldier's capacity to process & integrate the traumatic event into his awareness & understanding of himself & the world. Alternatively, beliefs about emotion might develop out of a traumatic situation.

A survivor of incest, e.g., might have complex beliefs about the potential for tender & positive feelings to lead to very destructive outcomes. Although researchers in the past hadn't specifically examined how persons w/PTSD think about their feelings, cognitive rules about emotion have been explored in non-clinical populations.

Meta-Mood & Related Constructs

Researchers in the area of social-cognition conducting empirical research on higher-level cognitive processes utilizing non-clinical populations have described several constructs that have proven to be relevant to the study of emotional functioning in PTSD.

One such construct is the "Meta-experience of emotion" or "Meta-mood", describing one's thoughts & feelings about emotions & emotional experience. Salovey & Mayer developed the meta-mood construct in an effort to quantify aspects of emotional intelligence, or "...the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own feelings & emotions, to discriminate among them & use this information to guide one's thinking & actions" (p. 189) (9).

Mayer & his colleagues have identified both evaluative & regulatory dimensions of meta-mood (10-11). Evaluative dimensions of meta-mood reflect individual differences in global attitudes & beliefs about feeling while the regulatory dimension refers to repertoires of behaviors & defenses that individuals possess to cope w/the experience of emotion.

The evaluative dimensions include the following:

  • (a) acceptance (the extent to which a person allows themselves to experience feelings)
  • (b) clarity (how well a person feels they can distinguish what their mood is)
  • (c) influence (the extent to which a person believes that their judgments are affected by their feelings).

The regulatory dimensions of meta-mood include:

  • (a) attempts to repair mood
  • (b) maintenance of current mood
  • (c) dampening of positive moods

A number of empirical studies have shown an association between various indices of meta-mood & psychopathology. Of particular interest in the context of PTSD is the finding of a negative relationship between clarity & acceptance, as measured by two sub-scales of the State Meta-mood Scale (SMMS) & alexithymia (11).

Alexithymia is defined as the inability to articulate emotions verbally & has been implicated in the etiology & maintenance of PTSD (1). The meta-mood sub-constructs, influence & repair were shown to be positively related to the severity of Borderline Personality Disorder symptomatology (11).

Mayer & Stevens also found a negative relationship between dampening & borderline symptomatology. The etiological, phenomenological & symptom-level overlap between PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder has been extensively documented (e.g. 12-13).

Finally, Salovey & his colleagues have demonstrated that the clarity meta-mood dimension is related to recovery from a laboratory stressor (14). It appears that the greater clarity w/which a person reports experiencing the emotional impact of events the better able they're to manage stress.

Mayer & his colleagues have also developed a measure of moment-to-moment meta-cognitions regarding emotional experience that are particularly relevant in the study of PTSD (15). This measure includes items such as "fight the feeling" & "remain open." These items are valuable in assessing openness or willingness to engage in emotional processing & as such are likely to be useful in a variety of clinical & research contexts.

Results & Discussion Of Our Study

In the following section we briefly summarize the findings of a research project we conducted examining the relationship between combat-related PTSD & the construct of meta-mood. There were two main questions that we attempted to explore in this research.

First, what are the meta-mood qualities or traits of Vietnam combat veterans w/PTSD that distinguish them from Vietnam combat veterans who don't have PTSD?

Second, when PTSD patients are in an emotionally reactive state in the laboratory, are there meta-mood variables that distinguish PTSD subjects from controls in terms of the manner in which they attempt to actively cope w/such hyper-reactivity?

In our study of meta-mood in Vietnam combat veterans with & w/out PTSD, we found PTSD to be uniquely associated w/ dysfunctional attitudes about emotion (16). As expected, PTSD veterans reported significantly more problems w/affect tolerance & affect regulation than subjects w/out the disorder.

The PTSD veterans in our study reported perceiving themselves as less clear about the emotional states they experience & overall reported less acceptance of their emotions. Yet, PTSD veterans also reported that their emotions exert greater influence over their thoughts & behavior than well-adjusted combat veterans.

In addition, PTSD veterans' report being less likely to attempt to repair negative emotional states, less likely to maintain positive states & a greater tendency to dampen or suppress positive emotional states.

To see how individuals w/PTSD cognitively respond to intense emotional demands, we examined state changes in meta-mood after veterans viewed a videotape of combat-related experiences (a trauma prime) & compared these results w/a condition where veterans viewed a neutral videotape.

The PTSD group reported greater decreases in their openness to their emotional reactions to the trauma-prime (relative to the neutral condition) in comparison to the well-adjusted group. Additionally, PTSD veterans reported fewer efforts to repair their mood under the trauma-prime condition as compared to the neutral prime, whereas non-PTSD veterans reported an increase in their efforts to repair negative affect.

These data suggest that individuals w/PTSD "shut down" or dismiss their emotional responses & abandon constructive efforts at mood repair during states of hyper-reactivity. Interestingly, individuals w/ PTSD reported greater clarity about what they were feeling under the trauma prime as compared w/the neutral condition, whereas individuals w/out PTSD manifested the opposite effect.

A reasonable explanation of this finding might be that veterans w/ PTSD would be more familiar w/the feelings associated w/trauma reminders, due to their tendency to re-experience aspects of the trauma regularly thru their symptoms. For well-adjusted combat veterans, immersion in the Vietnam experience is likely to be less familiar.

Overall, the results of our study are consistent w/the notion that PTSD is associated w/emotional dysregulation (1, 2, 5, 6). Although our questionnaire data can't assist us in determining the causal connection between meta-mood factors & PTSD, the results of our study suggest that emotional-processing deficits in PTSD may be related, in part, to top-down rules, attitudes & beliefs about emotions reflecting a lack of acceptance of emotional experience as valuable, controllable & comprehensible.

Clinical Implications

Incorporating meta-mood into our understanding of affective functioning in PTSD has implications for both primary prevention efforts & treatment. Attitudes & beliefs about emotions may affect the degree to which survivors of a traumatic event engage in processing & integrating the cognitive & emotional aspects of the experience.

If we assume that emotional processing & integration of traumatic events is necessary to avoid the development of post-traumatic symptomatology (e.g., 17-18) than assessing the degree to which attitudes about & cognitive responses to emotion facilitate or impede emotional processing may be important in predicting risk of symptom formation.

It would also follow that intervening at the conceptual level of beliefs about & responses to, intense emotion might be an important part of triage & psycho-educational efforts aimed at preventing the adoption of maladaptive responses such as cognitive & behavioral avoidance.

With regard to the treatment of patients diagnosed w/PTSD, it may be that beliefs about experiencing emotion must be addressed in some cases before patients can engage in emotionally intensive & demanding trauma-focused psychotherapy. It may be prudent to consider providing a series of didactics combined w/experiential opportunities w/the express purpose of teaching patients to modify their meta-mood, that is, to develop a new understanding & appreciation of emotion. In essence, PTSD patients would benefit from training in the language & methods of "emotional-processing" (see 19).

The goal in "emotional-processing" training is to get PTSD patients to experience & express in "real-time" their emotional reactions to personally significant experiences, utilizing in-the-moment recognition, acceptance, ownership & sharing of emotional experience, both positive & negative (see 20-21). Once patients become more accepting & open about their emotional experience they're more likely to benefit from exposure treatment when there's a premium on allowing emotions to be experienced & expressed more freely.

Specifically targeting beliefs about emotions in the treatment of PTSD may be potentially therapeutic in of itself. i.e., PTSD patients often present w/shame about the experience & expression of emotion that serves to exacerbate such problems as emotional numbing.

Studies of emotional "acceptance" (see Wilson et al, this issue) have demonstrated the importance of this dimension of experience to the process of recovery. When meta-mood issues are targeted in treatment it may lead to greater acceptance of emotional experience which is likely to lead to considerable collateral positive change. In fact, assessing meta-mood may be an important step in quantifying progress in treatment.

We'd argue that patients need to take a different stance about their emotions if therapy is to have a long term impact on their overall functioning & quality of life.

If clinicians systematically understand & address what PTSD patients think & believe about feeling & use various strategies to assist them in increasing their capacity to feel & express emotions, patients should be less likely to relapse after treatment.

Such an approach would enhance patients’ abilities to respond to future stressors & demands w/an open attitude about feelings, enabling more effective coping & more responsive & growth-promoting interpersonal relationships.

divider

 
additional definitions
for your convenience

divider
divider

 

cathartic

adj

1: emotionally purging [syn: psychotherapeutic]

2: emotionally purging (of e.g. art) [syn: releasing]

3: strongly laxative [syn: evacuant, purgative] n : a purging medicine; stimulates evacuation of the bowels [syn: purgative, physic, aperient]

con·scious·ness   
n.
  1. The state or condition of being conscious.
  2. A sense of one's personal or collective identity, including the attitudes, beliefs & sensitivities held by or considered characteristic of an individual or group: Love of freedom runs deep in the national consciousness.
    1. Special awareness or sensitivity: class consciousness; race consciousness.
    2. Alertness to or concern for a particular issue or situation: a movement aimed at raising the general public's consciousness of social injustice.
  3. In psychoanalysis, the conscious.

 

ecstatic

adj : feeling great rapture or delight

neu·ro·sis
n. pl. neu·ro·ses (-sz)
Any of various mental or emotional disorders, such as hypochondria or neurasthenia, arising from no apparent organic lesion or change & involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears, but without psychotic symptoms such as delusions or hallucinations. No longer in scientific use.

very important additional resources!
 
take this quiz if you're feeling limited by knee pain! Is Chronic Knee Pain Limiting Your Life?

The Power of Your Thoughts
By Dr. Lorraine Cassista

Do you know that your thoughts, beliefs and emotions affect your health? Would you like to know how to use your mind to minimize your mind’s negative effects and take more control over your own health?

60-90% of people seen in medical offices have symptoms or illnesses attributed to stress and lifestyle habits. About 7 out of 10 leading causes of disease can result from areas within our control, such as abuse of alcohol, lack of exercise, poor diet, smoking and unhealthy, maladaptive responses to stress and tension.

You have more control over your physical and mental health than you probably realize. General health depends on, not only lifestyle habits above, but on your emotional state, social support, environment and how you relate with the outside world.

Your thoughts are created by your belief system. Your success in all areas of life; personal, work, spiritual, relationships are determined, for the most part, by the power of your beliefs. Your beliefs are your most basic assumptions about your identity in the world whether you see yourself as lovable or unlovable, capable or incapable, beautiful or ugly, etc.

They're formed mostly during childhood and affect and dictate most of your actions. All of the things that were said and done to you by important people in your life have helped to form your belief system. Some of us have taken all of that and accepted without question.

Some of us have instinctively rejected some beliefs along the way. The problem is many of us aren't aware of our belief systems because we don't pay attention to those automatic thoughts that occur every day.

Positive core beliefs allow you to create rules for yourself that tend to be more realistic and flexible. Negative beliefs tend to set you up for restrictions and giving in to your fears. Negative beliefs and thinking tend to be irrational and limiting.

When irrational thinking and limiting beliefs take over, you're giving away your own power and replacing it with helplessness and hopelessness.

Stress is the perception of a threat to one’s physical or psychological well-being and much of our stress and emotional suffering comes from the way we think. Our thoughts are quite powerful and when those thoughts are negative, especially on a long- term basis, they can have a devastating effect on your health and well-being contributing to such ailments as headaches, high blood pressure, cancer, heart disease, depression and low self esteem.

Your body and mind can't tell the difference between a real or imagined thought. Thoughts are usually accompanied by emotions that match and reinforce them which can then serve as self-fulfilling prophecies. Because the mind acts as a filter, it will then allow only information that confirms the negative thoughts and feelings.

We often create what we fear most by selectively perceiving and attending to situations and circumstances that fit our slanted view of our world.

Paying close attention to your thoughts and self-talk for a few days will help you to see a pattern and determine if the pattern is a negative one in which your thoughts are unrealistic and distorted. Identify your beliefs and automatic thoughts by keeping a thought journal for a week in which you record your negative thoughts and associated feelings.

Then take each thought and ask yourself what it means. Focus only on the thoughts and not feelings for now. For each thought, keep asking what it means until you get to the bottom line and core belief about yourself.

i.e., let’s say one of your thoughts is “I messed up again”, ask “What does that mean?”

Your answer might be, “I make too many mistakes.”

Ask again, “What does that mean?”

Your next answer might be, “I can’t do anything right.”

Again ask, “What does that mean?”

Your answer might be, “I'm incompetent.”

This would be your negative core belief. When you experience what you perceive as failure or rejection, your negative, irrational thoughts can mistakenly lead you to feelings of being unworthy or unlovable.

Thoughts become reality because the mind can't determine which thoughts are real experiences and which are imagined. All thoughts and experiences are stored in the unconscious mind, that part of the mind that works beyond your level of conscious awareness.

By identifying your limiting beliefs, you can better understand how your automatic thoughts limit you now and may be contributing to your physical and/or emotional symptoms. Once you've identified those limiting statements, you can ask yourself how you'd like to be and create turnaround statements that would encourage you and give yourself permission to be that way.

This will allow more control over your emotions and your health.

Identifying With The Enemy

By Mark Lindsay

[This article orginally appeared in Terra Libra News, Issue #6.]

If you want to increase your personal freedom & power, you need to continuously develop your thinking skills. Even if you're already a genius, you can still benefit from intelligence-boosting information.

The information I'm providing in this article can increase your personal power enormously by alerting you to certain psychological processes which may be keeping you shackled to self-limiting thinking modes.

Individualist Vs. Collectivist Thinking
The words we use have a direct effect on the way we think. There's an intimate relation between our words & our thoughts. And if we aren't careful, the words we use can limit our thoughts & our ability to produce the results we want. Ayn Rand once said, "No mind is better than the precision of its concepts."

Many freedom-lovers continue to use words which limit their ability to use their freedom productively, especially when promoting it. I'm referring to statist fraud-words such as "country," "president," "law," "government," etc.

Using these words keeps you locked in a collectivist mode of thinking. Many Libertarians are stuck in this position. Instead of simply leaping out of the collectivist way of thinking they waste their time, money & energy playing useless games w/the statists.

You can see the irony in this: trying to talk about individual freedom using collectivist terminology. No wonder they can't get their point across. It's a guaranteed no-win situation. Just by using these words - without qualifying them - you blind yourself to your own inborn freedom.

In order to avoid this trap you need to shift to an individualistic mode of thinking, which includes using words in a way which reflects this orientation. In an individualistic framework, you think in terms of individual terrocrats rather than a gigantic, overwhelming "government."

You think of freedom as emanating from the individual as opposed to being granted by (so-called) "government." You think in terms of freeing yourself instead of asking for "permission" from the (so-called) "government."

But if individualistic thinking is so much more productive, why do so many freedom advocates continue to operate within the collectivist framework of thinking? The rest of this article is an attempt to shed some light on this problem.

Questioning Your Assumptions
Part of the problem is that many people don't bother to question their basic assumptions or premises. They operate from the same assumptions that everyone else is operating from. Expanding your skill in this area will help you.

The problem multiplies when, faced with new & different information which challenges the old assumptions, a person automatically, without consideration, rejects the new information. Many people even react emotionally &/or violently when confronted with information which challenges their beliefs. They react as if they'd been physically attacked.

What is the explanation for this behavior? Part of the answer lies in a process called "identification."

Identification
Identification is basically the process of including certain aspects of experience within your self-concept, your sense of who you are. People can identify with almost anything - ideas, feelings, their body, other people, their house, their car, their job, their "country" & on & on. We all know someone who is overly sensitive or "touchy" when we try to borrow a book or a tool or anything else which belongs to them.

They act as if we're trying to take a part of their own being away from them. Another good example is the teenage boy who sees his first car as an extension of himself (his ego). People identify (or perhaps we could coin a new word: "identificate") by attaching what psychologist Charles Tart calls the "this-is-me" quality to something. Information which has the "this-is-me" quality attached to it's treated differently than other information.

One consequence of identification is that information stamped with the "this-is-me" quality now possesses a kind of "emotional charge." i.e., watch how you feel after reading each of the following statements. "Mr. Williamson is a hideous looking fool."

"You're [the reader] a hideous looking fool." The 1st sentence is just a piece of information, in the same way that the statement, "The sky is blue," is just a piece of information. The 2nd sentence, however, has an emotional element to it. This is because you identify with your body.

People often react to a verbal attack as if they were being physically attacked. This is because the power of the emotional component of the information is further increased thru a connection with basic survival emotions.

This not only happens with verbal attacks - such as name-calling - but with any challenge to information stamped with the "this-is-me" quality. The crucial point to understand is that when someone reacts emotionally or dismisses out of hand any information which conflicts w/their "me-information," they aren't defending the validity of the ideas, but rather they're defending their self-esteem.

Unfortunately, most people aren't aware of this debilitating psychological phenomenon - identification mostly occurs involuntarily & unconsciously. The ability to detach yourself from information & look at it objectively greatly enhances both your thinking skills & your personal power.

Almost all of us were conditioned or even coerced into identifying with statist fraud-concepts. For the most part this took place when we were children. Recall how you were forced to pledge allegiance to "the flag." What did the teachers do if you refused? You were conditioned to identify with things which were contrary to your nature.

The way to minimize the negative effects of identification is to practice self-observation & become more conscious of your own mental processes. When you're in control, you choose whether or not to identify with something. Be aware: when you give your sense of identity to something outside of you, you give away some of your personal power.

Many times it's beneficial for you to do this to one degree or another. The key point is that any "identification" (as described here) is done voluntarily & consciously.

Frederick Mann's Additions:
Conscious Identification

The core personnel of our organization identify emotionally & passionately with our ideas. A lot of the time we "eat, drink & sleep" with the activities of our organization. This is beneficial identification - it results in dedicated work to provide better customer service & to help us succeed & expand. It inspires new ideas to improve our organization.

But if someone sends us a letter criticizing our organization, we don't get upset. The identification with our organization is conscious. Even though we identify with our organization, we evaluate the criticism consciously.

We ask: "Is the person really criticizing our organization, or is he just venting his negative emotions or writing about his own prejudices, biases & misconceptions?" If the criticism is valid, we take a good look at what we need to improve.

Conscious identification also means that our organization never becomes an idol to us. It's a game we play.

Idolatry
Identification & idolatry are closely related. An idol is something you worship - or hate; something you identify with positively or negatively. Most modern idols are abstract concepts - often collective concepts like "our nation," "the state," "the government," or "the IRS." Clinging to these concepts - positively or negatively - is both identification & idolatry.

Idols like "the flag," "one nation under god," "the law," etc. are inculcated thru cultural brainwashing.

The urge to identify with something outside yourself is an aspect of the bicameral stages of consciousness - see Report: How to Achieve & Increase Personal Power.

So we find a Scientologist identifying with founder L. Ron Hubbard & saying: "What you say can't be true, because if it were true, Ron would have said it."

And we find Dr. Frank Wallace writing "The Neo-Tech Bible" & Neo-Tech followers adopting Dr. Wallace's "I-ness" & "honesty-that-is-the-same-for-everyone" as idols.

Because such idols have a "this-is-me" quality, when they're questioned or challenged, the idolator tends to regard it as a personal attack & may become emotional or even vicious.

One of the most self-empowering things you can do is to smash your own idols. I highly recommend the books: The Twilight of the Idols by Friedrich Nietzsche & The Ego and Its Own by Max Stirner. The ability or thinking skill to be developed is QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Get Out of Jail Free: How to Identify Unconscious Beliefs
By Edwin Spina

Know thyself.

These words were inscribed in the vestibule of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi.

For centuries, petitioners seeking advice from the oracle at Delphi would view the inscription. Philosophers throughout the ages offered this same advice to their students. These words are as valuable today as they were almost 3000 years earlier.

Part of "knowing yourself" is understanding your beliefs. The difficulty is that most beliefs are subconscious. They've been accepted w/out ever having been critically examined.

As was described in last month's newsletter, the Law of Attraction states that you'll attract to yourself those experiences that match your beliefs. These beliefs create your experience of reality. What if these beliefs are in opposition to what you're actually trying to accomplish? What if they no longer serve you? Wouldn't it be useful to eliminate these limiting beliefs?

There are a number of techniques to identify unconscious beliefs: taking a battery of psychological tests or tapping into your inner wisdom via meditation are two of them. There's a shortcut that can predict w/99% accuracy what your beliefs are. It's so simple that people usually overlook it. Even when it is clearly stated, they frequently ignore it.

After all, most people have accepted these beliefs as true & don't want to hear anything that might contradict what they believe is true. Remember, you're not your beliefs. You're a divine spiritual being, so why hold onto anything that is preventing you from realizing this truth?

So here's the secret.

Look around. Whenever you have a repeating problem in some area of your life, then that's where you have a false or limiting belief. This doesn't mean that just because you're in between relationships or jobs, you necessarily have a false belief. But if the problem constantly reappears, then you can be 99% certain a false belief is involved.

Avoid the temptation to blame someone for inserting this false belief into your belief system. After all, you could easily point fingers at your parents, teachers, friends, TV, etc., as well as yourself. It's not important where it came from, you just want to be rid of it, so you can experience your ideal life.

You have two choices here. You can 1) identify your unconscious beliefs & release them, or 2) learn to recognize the symptoms of accepting this limiting belief & change your thoughts. You can also do a combination of the two.

Choice 1) Use your attitudes to identify your false beliefs. Let's say you want more money. What is your impression of wealthy people? Are you happy for them or resentful? If you're resentful, then what signal do you think you're sending out to the universe? You don't want anything to do w/those "rich people!" Consequently, the Law of Attraction states that you won't attract wealth into your life.

One way to free yourself of a negative belief is to write it on a piece of paper & burn it while telling yourself it's forever banished from your being. Write a positive affirmation on another piece of paper such as "Good people can have money." You can add other affirmations, such as "I am worthy of prosperity" & "Money flows easily to me."

Repeat these affirmations aloud 9 times a day for 21 days. This is the length of time it takes to reprogram your instinctive mind, where these beliefs are stored.

Choice 2) Make sure you are always sending out the proper vibration. Remember that your goal is make sure that you're sending the right vibration to attract to yourself the experience you desire. The best barometer of whether you are sending out the proper signals is to MONITOR YOUR emotions.

If you're not feeling good, then you need to change your thoughts, because the emotions that are being felt, indicate your thoughts are sending the wrong message.

Replace your negative thoughts w/positive ones. The book, "Ask & It is Given" identifies & ranks 22 emotions. Understanding that most people can't go from despair to joy in one step, they advise you to simply keep moving up the ladder. Eventually, you'll get to feel joy more & more frequently & for longer periods of time.

In both cases, you have substituted positive thoughts & feelings for negative ones. You may recognize this involves a degree of self-observation. As was inscribed on the Temple at Delphi, "Know Thyself."

Incidentally, this process of substituting thoughts will work for any thought, including a memory. If you have any unpleasant memories, you can substitute positive experiences for them. Mystics call this Mental Alchemy, after the old alchemists that transformed lead into gold.

So, manifest your ideal life, the mystic's way.

Edwin Harkness Spina is the author of Mystic Warrior: A Novel Beyond Time and Space, a contemporary thriller with spiritual overtones. Ed earned an MBA from the University of Chicago, a BSE from Tufts University, and has been studying and practicing mysticism for many years. For more information see Mystic Warrior: A Novel Beyond Time and Space

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Feeling limited

Why Deep Feeling Therapy?

by Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC

It's the purpose of human beings to open up to the full universe & that can be accomplished thru deep feeling. The full, deep feeling primal experience is the vehicle to full & infinite consciousness.

 

One is only limited by their own limited, repressed thinking & feeling capacity. When the thinking, feeling part of a person is shut down or closed off by the trauma of civilizing & socializing process, infinity is lost & body ego boundaries are constructed.

 

When these ego boundaries are traumatized or over-socialized, a person experiences hurt & pain. When that pain is great, it gets shut down & repressed. The deep feeling capacity dies & is replaced by denial creating defenses such as:

  • complaining
  • whining
  • projection

The real human being inside starts to die thru the construction & shutting down of his feeling capacity.

 

He no longer is capable of feeling all that there is to feel ... an infinite universe of feeling. He shuts off his capacity to receive knowledge, wisdom & information from his internal, uninhibited infinite universe.

 

In short, he becomes sick, ill, psychologically, emotionally, socially & intellectually impaired. In the past, we called this neurotic.

 

I'm sure in certain quarters this term still is used. In a politically correct era, we use terms such as "dysfunctional, disordered", etc.

 

The terms "psychotic, schizophrenic" still remains in our nomenclature, while "manic depression" is being replaced by "Bi-Polar". The point is that due to early emotional shut downs we lose our capacity to:

  •  cry
  • scream
  • weep 
  • express

But we also lose our capacity to get in touch with, connect & gain access to our infinite universe of feeling consciousness.

 

All of our modern therapies are limited in scope, depth & breadth. Our founding fathers in the healing arts have made great contributions, but they were limited by their own conceptions about where these feelings could eventually take them.

 

They didn't know how far their discoveries could eventually reach. i.e., Arthur Janov rediscovered & expanded upon Freud's early use of the emotional cathartic, abreactive method.

 

Reich, Lowen & other body workers brought the body, plus the psyche, into the realm of opening up the barriers to infinite awareness. These discoveries occurred within the confines of psychiatry, psychology & mental health.

 

Such pioneers had stumbled onto methods that could cure real human problems that were labeled copiously in diagnostic manuals & thousands of volumes of journals, articles & books.

 

I became very aware that a deep feeling method could take me to realms of consciousness that I never originally could dream of. I wasn't interested in curing my neurosis.

 

I was interested in my feelings. I wanted my buried feelings back. I also wanted a method that could cure & alleviate a lot of the human suffering that I had encountered as a therapist & human being.

 

Early on, I began to experience feelings that weren't registered in the literature of the time. My pain w/my parents & my childhood & my birth soon gave way to much more profound & enlightening experiences beyond my own limited life boundaries.

 

I started to go deeper, higher & farther out than the limited feelings of my childhood & present life. I found that my feelings could solve just about every current problem that I've ever had. I began to trust my feelings completely & totally.

 

They never failed me & took me to places that could be termed transcendent, transpersonal & mystical. I now know that feelings have no boundaries & that only a limited, frightened mind could hinder & inhibit one from feeling the infinity of feelings.

 

Therapy w/out feelings is finite. Feelings are infinite & go way beyond what we, in our limited thinking, consider to be therapeutic. Feelings are far beyond thinking & tap into & expose oneself to an infinite universe.

 

It's my job as a therapist to take the emotional shades off of a person & expose them to an internal  external infinite universe. This is a universe w/out boundaries, or limits & where anything is possible.

 

I suspect that this infinite awareness has always been w/me, but it has taken years to peel away the layers of defenses & consciousness in order to arrive at a boundless conclusion.

 

Thousands & thousands of feeling expressions & catharsis have slowly, systematically & carefully, exposed me to what was there all along, buried in life's problems.

 

So when I hear a client in a non-feeling state, complaining & whining about someone or something I know that s/he has a long way to go before the awareness of infinite happiness & joy in an infinite universe is apparent.

 

The body contains, limits & houses our hurts & defenses. But our feeling consciousness can take us back & forward in time, down in mood spaces or up in bliss states.

 

Our feelings are the vehicles that propel us out of the limitations of our flesh & ego. Feelings are the fuel, the energetic propulsion apparatus that shoots & blows us out of where we are & takes us to where we can & need to be.

 

From a depressed down state to an ecstatic up state is accomplished by one big emotional, cathartic, primal blow out.

 

Feelings are the fuel, the ammunition & the propellant that takes you from one place to another. Stand or lie in one place & your screams will take you to another. Such is the power of the deep feeling experience.

 

The term neurosis really means "limiting, holding in, holding back, remaining static, stuck, immovable, blocked, immotional".  Deep Feeling Therapy shows you that there are infinite possibilities.

Feeling Without Limitation

May 24, 1983

If you‘ll continue to observe it, you’ll discover that you’re not merely chronically limited in feeling or unhappy, but you’re doing that. You don’t have to be limited in your feeling, but you’re just doing that. If you don't want to be unhappy, then don't do that anymore!

Don't appeal to the universe to cure you, or say the universe is evil, or get involved in all kinds of counter-efforts in psyche & mind & emotion & body & socially to make yourself happy. If you’re already unhappy, you can’t get happy by any of that.

And if you really don’t want to be unhappy anymore, you must observe yourself & stop being unhappy, stop doing what is unhappiness. And what is unhappiness, fundamentally, but the limitation on feeling?

Avitar Adi Da Samraj

We’re powerful beings.

 

Life responds to us as we respond to it. The greatest sages & saints had no greater minds than us, but they knew how to use them. Most of us produce a life of only a fraction of what we want.

 

Yet, God doesn’t limit us. It’s our own mind, which determines our experiences. Our thinking & feeling nature is the cause of this experience. This means that our future is really self-determined.

 

There's a wonderful book called Treat Yourself to Life by Raymond Charles Parker. He shares the practice of treatments, scientific prayer. He defines it as using your conscious mind to select what you want & next directing your subconscious mind to bring this into objective experience.

 

We have a power w/in us, which is our birthright, waiting to be released into creative action. The subconscious mind is a part of the mind of God. It’ll bring us all that we desire if we know how to ask, how to program it.

 

Raymond explains that in prayer we might ask for ideas. In meditation we absorb ideas. During a treatment, we synchronize our mind w/ the Universal mind & we project ideas.

 

It’s a directive action of the subconscious mind. I believe that a treatment is synonymous w/ prayer, but it describes a mental action taking place.

I love the analogy of a faucet given by Raymond Barker.

 

"If you go to the faucet in your kitchen & turn it on, the water comes out. It doesn’t come out until you turn it on; but its sole purpose is to come out, because water flows under a law of gravity. When you turn it off, it stops coming out, because a law makes it act that way."

 

He describes a treatment as the mental process wherein you turn on the faucets of your mind & let the power flow thru. We don’t have to plead w/ God, just turn in thought & let God do it. When life isn't flowing for us, we have a blockage. We have shut ourselves off from receiving because of our fear & negativity.

 

One of my favorite mentors is Mary Manin Morrissey from the Living Enrichment Center in Portland, Oregon. She has created & sells a God Can on her web site. Whenever something comes up in my life that I may be concerned about, I simply write it on a piece of paper & insert it into my God Can. I know that what we consciously think, the subconscious produces.

 

I don’t want my whining & fear to get in the way of my greater good. It’s very freeing to realize that I have turned it over to God & no longer have to waste my own energy on it. Worry only hampers us, limits us & creates illness. The God Can works!!!

I believe that the reason that we’re not what we want is because of something within us.

 

We can’t blame conditions on things outside of ourselves. The failure is rooted in our subconscious. We can ask to erase those obstructions affirming that the power within us knows what to do & how to do it. Our spiritual nature doesn’t see us as limited! When we give ourselves a treatment, we’re giving our subconscious a command; a spiritual idea accepted by the conscious mind & carried out by the subconscious mind.

 

I encourage you to develop a friendship w/your subconscious mind. Give it a name. Years ago, during meditation, I was given the name Crystal Clear Kay for my subconscious mind. I couldn’t have picked a better name at the conscious level! I love directing my subconscious mind to create inner changes. We can treat ourselves to a greater life. I caution you that our human mind may disagree w/spiritual ideas. We have to ask it to be still & cancel thoughts of limitation, maintaining a deliberate, positive attitude.

 

I share w/you an example of combined treatments from the book:

In God, the one mind, I live, move & have my being. God alone is present at this instant & God always knows what to do & how to do it. There’s only the intelligent action of a perfect God. The kingdom of heaven is NOW. The past can’t limit me, the present can’t confuse me & the future can’t cause me to fear. God in me, acting thru me, is my guarantee of success & prosperity. I move forward into my expanded good, divinely directed to successful accomplishment. I delete & destroy any pattern of worry out of my consciousness knowing that the mind of God is in action in me & thru me. I claim my joy on earth. This joy in me is a spiritual power. I now release it. Nothing in me blocks it. I walk forward in joy, peace, gladness, love, abundance & health, forever & forever in the eternal recurring now.

 

I invite each of you to write your own treatment & encourage you to TREAT YOURSELF TO LIFE.

 
the following web links are provided for your convenience in visiting the source sites for the information displayed on this page:
 
 
Written by Allan Quartly
Copyright 2002 by PageWise, Inc
 
from about.com
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The American Red Cross

Click here to visit the Red Cross page that allows you to access your local chapter of the Red Cross by entering your zip code in the specified box, to see how you can help in your area. You can also call your local Red Cross Chapter that you can find the number for online or in your local phone book to volunteer for any openings that may need to be filled or you can find another way to help others there as well!

thank you for visiting feeling emotional, 3 - part of the emotional feelings network of sites!
 
 
again, thank you for visiting feeling emotional, 3!