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What is Love ? Robert Elias Najemy
Part 1 of a 6 part series on the "The Stages of Love"
Love is our greatest
need.
It's our highest most fulfilling state.
Do we really
love or are we simply attached to, identified with or dependent upon the persons we "love"?
Is our love free and unconditional, or is it mixed with various needs, conditions and demands?
What is unconditional love? Is it possible for us to cultivate it?
What's
the difference between love and attachment?
How can we determine
whether what we feel is love or attachment?
How can we purify
our love and move into a higher level of consciousness?
These
are some of the many questions that we need to answer in order to create happiness.
Defining Love
Love is a very difficult
word to define, perhaps because its reality approaches spiritual dimensions, which are beyond time and space and thus, our comprehension.
Love is perhaps more easily described by what it isn't. Love
isn't fear, hurt, pain, jealousy, bitterness, hate, separateness, lust, attachment, aggressiveness, ego-centeredness, indifference, possessiveness, suppression - the list goes on.
Love, like God, peace and other spiritual realities, can be perceived more easily through the effects that it creates.
We can't see the wind, but
we can see its effects, such as the leaves moving, branches swaying, or the sound of air
rushing. We know wind exists by its various side effects. We know there's a Creator because we perceive its effect - creation
itself.
What then
are the effects of love? Love creates feelings of unity. We feel toward others as we feel towards ourselves. We're as interested in their
welfare, happiness, success, health and spiritual growth as much as we are about our own.
 u·ni·ty
1
: the quality or state of not being multiple : the
quality or state of being one, single, whole, or the same <only if there is unity
of ownership of the immovable and movables>
2. The state or quality of being in accord; harmony.
It means caring enough to sacrifice, when necessary, our own pleasures and desires when the other's needs are obviously more important.
Love is the
force that brings about unity and harmony. It's the "glue"
of the universe. It helps persons with different egos, desires, programmings and needs to overcome all those potentially repelling forces and unite.
Love needs not so much to be "learned or cultivated," but rather
released or brought from within us to the surface.
We're
love. Our basic nature is love. However, our ignorance, fear and attachment have buried it so deeply within us that it's sometimes difficult to summon or maintain.
Loving others steadily,
independently of their behavior, isn't an easy achievement.
love is the ability to go fishing with your spouse & finding enjoyment
in seeing your spouse catch the only fish of the night - even it it's twice as big as your biggest catch ever.
The power of attraction which we call "love"
is expressed on many levels and in countless ways. The most basic
level is that of need. We often use the word love when we really mean, "need".
We say, "I love you." But, if we analyze ourselves deeply, we'll realize learn
we really mean, "I need you." This is the basic message of most love songs. They lament
with sadness, pain, agony and cry out "you left me, I can't live without you. I need you." This isn't
the highest form of love. It's love mixed with need, attachment and addiction. If it were pure love and the other
was happier by leaving us or even happier with someone else, we'd be happy for him or her, not full of sadness for ourselves. Loving others means wanting them to be happy, healthy and successful in the ways that they're guided to be.
Love doesn't create the pain we feel when someone
leaves us or rejects us. That pain is generated by our dependency upon that person for our security, pleasure or affirmation.
Needs and attachments create fear, pain and suffering.
Love creates happiness, fulfillment and the experience of our True Selves.
Love or Need for Security ?
Robert Elias Najemy
Part 2 of a 6 part series on the "The
Stages of Love"
Our Love is Mixed
With NeedOur love is still mixed with a considerable amount of need. Love wants to give. Need wants to take. Sometimes what we're seeking to take is very subtle and requires deep inner
inquiry.
Whenever we feel pain, fear or anger in our relationships, it's because we believe that our needs are in "danger" of not being satisfied. When this happens, our "love" turns to "hurt," disappointment, fear, loneliness, inferiority, or bitterness, anger, hate, rage and desire for revenge.
How can love become
all these negative emotions? It can't. The simple truth is that our emotion never was pure love to begin with. It was an "attraction" based to some degree also on need.
This doesn't mean that we should reject ourselves because we've seldom really loved purely. As we aren't yet enlightened spiritual beings, how could we? It would be like rejecting ourselves because we don't yet have a university diploma when we're still in the 1st grade or because we're a flower bud,
which hasn't yet blossomed. It's only natural that we can't yet love unconditionally.
This is our stage of evolution.
The 1st step towards opening our hearts to real love is to accept and love ourselves exactly as we are with all our weaknesses and faults. Only then can
we proceed effectively.
The 2nd step is to begin
observing the feelings that are stimulated in our transpersonal. Thru objective self-observation,
we can determine in which situations we love unconditionally and in which we're feeling "loving" with specific conditions.
Main Entry: trans·per·son·al
Pronunciation: -'p&rs-n&l, -&n-&l
Function:
adjective
: of, relating to, or being psychology or psychotherapy concerned especially
with esoteric mental experience (as mysticism and altered states of consciousness) beyond
the usual limits of ego and personality
there are no conditions with love
you may not say, i will love you if you quit eating
so much if you're really loving
you may not even insinuate... i will love you more
if you lose 10 pounds if you're declaring your love for someone
it's not love if you are saying, "i love
him, that's why i can't leave him. i know he is hitting me, hurting me, abusing me, but i love
him and i know he loves me"
you don't know what love is if you care more about
receiving than giving
Following are
some examples that will help.
We look to
others for security. We might seek security from our parents, spouses, siblings, children, employers, friends, ministers, spiritual teachers or others.
We do feel love toward these beings, but often that love is based on the fact that they offer us a sense of security. If they start behaving in ways that obstruct our feelings of security or if they decide to leave or ignore us, will we still love them?
If our employer fires us, will we still love him or her?
If our parents throw us out onto the street, will we still love
them? Or is our love tightly woven w/the need for security?
If as parents we dream that our children will become economically well off and
socially accepted professionals, will we love them the same if they become street artists,
beggars or anarchists? Some parents will be able to; others will not.
 
Part 3 of a 6 part series on the "The Stages of Love" Needing Others for Pleasure
Let us examine
how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit and distort our experience of love.
We create
relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humor, tasty food, a clean house, comforts or even his or her beauty.
Yet, if he or she stops providing these for us, or decides
to provide them for someone else, do we continue loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and perhaps revenge?
The condition here is that "I love as long as
you provide me pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings change." It's conditional love.
We may also depend on
someone for affirmation. This may take various forms.
1. We're affirmed when others obey us. "You listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I'll stop feeling love and unity with you."
This becomes
a problem for parents when their children move into adolescence. This can also occur between spouses. In many countries a
wife might be suppressed at first and thus, the husband feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, she begins to think and act for herself, he begins to panic and can become angry and sometimes aggressive. The roles may also be reversed where the woman controls and feels affirmed.
2. We also feel affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This could occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends or between the "savior" and the "needy."
In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of codependency. Some of us find meaning in life because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love?
If not, our love is mixed with our need to be "needed."
In such a case, we need to give, offer and sacrifice in order to feel useful, worthy or boost our self-image. If this is the case, then all that we offer in these situations, all our sacrifices, are actually for
ourselves and not for the others.
That doesn't negate the fact
that others may actually need us or that we also simultaneously have feelings of altruistic love. We're often motivated by 2 or 3 motives simultaneously
3. A 3rd
aspect of this attraction for affirmation is the situation in which we "love"
those "who affirm our rightness," either verbally by telling us we're right or simply by belonging to the same social, political,
religious or spiritual group and thus embrace a similar belief system.
"I love you because you agree with me,
you're like me, you affirm me". If they change beliefs and convert to another political party, religion, or spiritual group, will we feel the same closeness and "love?" Perhaps yes, perhaps
no.
A 4th aspect of this affirmation principle is infatuation - called "Eros" (in
Greek "erotas") or "falling in love." In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on
the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level.
Sooner or later, we will
come face to face with the other's various negative aspects and if we can't love them as they are,
the relationship suffers.
Until
we're able to love unconditionally, we'll be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We'll be able to do this only when we've matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth.
In
other words, we can love purely only those who we don't need.
When we need others, we can't love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first,
but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both a happy life and spiritual evolution.
Part 4 of a 6 part series on the "The Stages of Love"
Selfless Love for a Specific PersonAn
essential stage in the evolution of love is being able to love others regardless of their behavior. Probably the closest most of us have come
to experiencing such love is towards our children.
There are some parents who have totally selfless love for their children. They maintain steady love for "their child" even if
he or she doesn't live up to the parents' expectations, even if he or she rejects and abuses the parents and even if he or she becomes a dangerous criminal.
This love isn't universal nor is it totally unconditional because there is one condition, that the other is "my child"
and not someone else's.
We might also experience this type of selfless love for a specific person when he or she is "our student" or under "our care or responsibility." This type of love often has to do with the role of protector or feeling responsibility for someone. It enables us to accept all types of behavior from others and continue accepting and loving them with understanding and compassion.
In some cases, we may also feel such love
for persons who belong to the same grouping, i.e., nationality, religion or social class.
In these cases, we don't gain something tangible
from these individuals. We don't require anything from them. Our love isn't
dependent upon their abiding by a certain type of behavior or even reciprocating our love.
Our love is more selfless but still specific and not universal.
The next stage is to expand our feelings of unconditional love and acceptance to a wider circle of people and eventually to all beings - including animals, plants and insects. This love, however, is still directed toward form.
We are focused on
the temporary form being occupied by these beings; thus we feel
a sense of sadness when they experience suffering or unhappiness or if and when we loose them.
We perceive
their form as reality. We feel love and acceptance for that person, but we still live within the illusion that the form is the reality. We forget that behind that
form there's an immortal ever-blissful consciousness, which is just temporarily
projecting that form toward the earth plane level.
Universal consciousness is never in pain, never suffers, is never unhappy and can never die. That consciousness is the ultimate reality of the being or beings whom we love.
Those who experience this universal selfless love often choose careers or lifestyles that allow them to serve the whole in some way. They may join service groups
such as the Peace Corps or other voluntary service organizations.
They feel a need to express that love through actions which better
the quality of life for those around them, especially for those who are suffering, lonely or unhappy.
Their interest expands beyond the limits of themselves and their immediate family. They begin to realize that all beings are brothers and sisters in one spiritual family of all humanity. As their awareness grows, they perceive even animals, plants and insects as belonging to "their family."
They
seek to express this love through acts of service and care.
Spiritual Universal Love
Robert Elias Najemy
Part 5 of a 6 part series on the "The Stages of Love"
A later stage
in our spiritual maturation process is the development of spiritual universal love where wisdom or spiritual discrimination is now added to our love. We now perceive all forms as various manifestations
of one unchanging, ever blissful, divine consciousness.
In this state we experience
pure love in which we can't distinguish between the other and ourselves. Christ referred to this state saying, "I'm in you and you're in me."
Although, as in the
previous stage, we continue to help and serve wherever we can, we aren't so affected by the pain and suffering we encounter.
We realize that
the real spiritual consciousness expressing itself through that form has chosen to pass through that experience because it's exactly the next
stimulus, which he or she needs for his or her spiritual growth process.
We're now aware that we're all passing through the precise experiences, pleasant and unpleasant, which we need in order to wake up from our dream of this illusory material reality.
Although we aren't affected by the suffering we see, we're even more wholly
dedicated toward eliminating it. Thus, we love and accept all beings as they are while we direct our energies toward facilitating this process of our mutual spiritual unfoldment. Each of us moves forward in his or her own unique way.
Previously
we may have tried to solve people's problems for them. Now we realize that the most effective way we can others is to
love and accept them as they are and empower them to find their own inner wisdom and strength in order to overcome their problems.
We now realize that the main solution for the world's economic, political and social problems is education.
We experience such "wise love" or "loving wisdom" from the highest spiritual teachers. It's sometimes difficult to understand their love and caring, which at times to the beginner, may seem like indifference, especially when we pass through tests and expect sympathy and emotional reactions. It's difficult for some
to realize that it's sometimes more loving to allow someone to suffer
a little more so he or she can find the solution him or herself and grow stronger and freer from ignorance. Only a realized being can know, however, when "not to help" externally because this would be the most
loving act for a specific person.
Many parents would do well to learn this form of wise love. They might help their children far more if they refrain from
solving their problems every time they're in trouble.
No one should, however, misconceive that this text is suggesting that
we shouldn't help those who are in need. We must help, but we must also ask ourselves what the most appropriate help would be in each situation.
The greatest and most precious help we can offer to those we love, is to help them get in touch with their inner power and wisdom. This, at times, means helping and at others, means letting them struggle by themselves while we mentally pray
for them and visualize them in light.
For an awakened spiritual being to see someone cry about some unhappy event in his or her life or fear some future possibility, might be like our watching a small child cry about a toy that has broken or
express fear of the "boogie man." We sympathize with and understand the child's feelings. We love it and we want to help it, but we can't really
be worried.
Those who experience this level of love sometimes don't exhibit the emotional display which
others may be used to interpreting as indications of love. As we grow spiritually, we begin to understand, however, that real love is a love for the soul within the other, which is seeking to free itself from ignorance and the illusion of weakness and fear.
These spiritually awakened beings offer help on other levels through their positive thought forms, prayers or sometimes, direct contact on the astral level, usually in dreams.
In this way, help is given without undermining the others' self-confidence.
Loving the Wave or the
Ocean Robert Elias Najemy
Part 6 of a 6 part series on the "The Stages of Love"
When we limit our love to a specific person (we don't mean sexually,
but rather emotionally, mentally and spiritually), it's difficult to experience love in its highest expression. We love this person and not others. We tend to focus on a specific person,
"loving" them often because they offer us security, pleasure or affirmation; or because we consider them to be "ours."
Pure
love is universal. It can express itself toward any particular
being, but it can't limit itself to that being or group of beings. If it does, then it's love mixed with conditions. Each individual is one of the countless waves on an ocean of consciousness.
The ocean is the One Universal
Consciousness, which is temporarily taking the form of those specific waves and then disappearing into the formlessness of
the ocean again before reappearing as billions of others. All waves are expressions of the one ocean.
When we single out one specific wave from the ocean of beings and limit our love to that, we are, in essence, loving an illusion. That being which we love
is just a temporary manifestation of the one Universal Being, which manifests as all the other beings simultaneously.
That form on which we focus is a temporary physical, emotional, mental manifestation
that will dissolve back into the ocean. When we love the water in that
wave, that is, its spiritual essence, the spirit within, we begin to love all waves. The same water is in
all the waves. The same spiritual essence is in all beings.
Then we love
the spiritual essence in others and not only their form or the specific benefits that we receive from them. We love
the spirit within.
Our love now becomes both unconditional and
universal. It's unconditional because it doesn't depend on what others do or don't do and universal because we start
to love more and more people independent of their appearance, character
and other superficial factors. We love the spirit within them. We as
spirit are one with the spirit, which is within them.
So we can love the
wave or we can love the ocean and thus all the waves. This is our choice.
Love is like the gold ore
that's brought up from the earth; it's mixed with other metals (emotions, needs). Our job is to purify that gold thru our efforts to love unconditionally in all of our relationships, no matter what the other does or doesn't do.
Only then will we truly be happy.
Only then will experience our true Self.
When I Love You Purely
Robert Elias Najemy
When I love you purely, I wish for you to be always happy and healthy.I respond to your
soul needs but not always to your ego desires.
I joyfully offer my time, money and energy in support of your flowering soul.
I'm happy about your successes, even when that means less attention & affirmation for me. I accept you exactly as you are.
When I love you purely, you're for me like a flower, a unique expression
of divine energy.
I see your inner beauty even when you yourself
can't express it. When I love you purely, I communicate with you honestly, expressing to you my true needs, feelings & thoughts.
It's impossible for you to hurt me, because true love expects nothing & keeps no accounts.
I allow you to find your happiness with whomever & however you're guided from within.
When I love you purely, I see you not as my possession & ask not that you love only me. That would be to limit your soul & obstruct your growth universal love.
When I love you purely,
I experience your true Divine Self; as true love is divine & perceives only the
divine.
I can never fear for you even when you're passing through difficulties because I remember that you always have exactly the tests, which facilitate
the manifestation of your inner magnificent & the power to deal with them.
When I love you purely, I leave you in the proper moments to find your own solutions & answers, even though I feel affirmed when I find them for you.
Out of love I allow
you to discover the truth which is hidden within you.
However, in order to love
you purely, I need to become stronger & cease needing you to feel secure or worthy.
I'll need to transcend loneliness & be with you because l love you & not because I need you.
It isn't possible to love purely that which
I need.
Actually only from a position of inner strength, self
sufficiency & fulfillment can I love you purely
An even when you leave
your physical body, my sorrow will not be from my love but from my need for your physical presence.
You're a divine being, which will have been freed from its material vehicle.
My tears will be for me. But
for you I will be happy.
Go forward my love, You
belong not to me but to the Universe.
For that is what you truly are...
The Universe.
The power of love
"Real giving is when we give to those we love what's most
important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it or not."
Michele Weiner-Davis
Is It Love Or Infatuation?
Infatuation is instant desire, one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root & grows, one day at a
time.
Infatuation is marked by a “feeling of insecurity.”
You’re
excited & eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little
bits & pieces about your
beloved
that you’d just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding & mature acceptance of imperfection.
It’s
real. It gives you strength & grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You’re warmed by his presence, even when he’s away. Miles don’t separate you. You
have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he’s yours &
you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him." Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you're together you hope it’ll end in intimacy. Love isn’t based on sex. It’s the maturation of friendship which makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks
confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You’re calm, secure & unthreatened. He feels your trust & it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you’ll regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is elevating.
It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.
Love
(infatuation): this is the stuff of "falling in
love," living in a rosy magical glow, etc. My beloved
has no faults & is perfect in almost every respect. We shall
live happily ever after. This is typically a state of denial, overlooking many things all too obvious to many of those around me.
This type of love doesn’t last, though many wish it would. Many keep pursuing this
type of love
for years w/out realizing that it must fail because it's not reality.
- Ann Landers
Most of us are often stuck in "conditional"
love, which usually does not last and is rather manipulative.
love
Love is
the principle which creates & sustains human
relations with dignity & depth.
Spiritual love takes one
into silence & that silence has the power to unite, guide &
free people.
Love is
the bedrock for the belief in equality
of spirit & personhood.
When love is
combined with faith, that
creates a strong foundation for initiative & action.
Love is
the
catalyst for change, development & achievement.
Love isn't simply a desire, a passion, an intense feeling for one person or object, but a consciousness which is simultaneously selfless & self-fulfilling.
Love can be for one’s
country, for a cherished aim, for truth, for justice, for ethics, for people, for nature, for service, or for God.
Love
flows from truth, that is, wisdom.
Love
based on wisdom is real love, not blind love; & to discover
the secrets of love is to watch the secrets of life unfold.
The basis of
real love between people is spiritual. To see another as a spiritual being, a soul, is to see the spiritual reality of the other. To be conscious of that reality is to have spiritual love: each person, complete within, independent yet totally interconnected, recognizes that state in the other.
As a result, there's constant
& natural love. True love
is when the soul has love for the soul. Love for the soul
is eternal; the soul never dies. Such love is righteous & it brings joy. Attachment to that which is perishable is unrighteous & it brings sorrow.
When spiritual love prevails, neither internal nor external animosity, hatred, anger, or jealousy are possible. Negative feelings are transformed into positive feelings w/the coolness of love. In spiritual love there's harmony, since love removes controlling or codependent tendencies & ensures kindness, caring & amicable understanding.
Human
beings have become caught up in a pattern of behavior which has distorted the value of love & the ability to trust one another with feelings & intentions.
One
minute there's love; the next minute that love
is broken, resulting in intense sorrow & pain. It's as if the human intellect has lost connection with the One eternal source of love & has taken
support from temporary sources.
As
a result, instead of having one strength & one support from an unconditional source, human souls remain thirsty for true love, even one drop.
Without that love, they continue to wander around in distress, searching.
The world remembers God as
the ultimate source of love, the Ocean of Love,
the Eternal Flame. God gives - unconditionally - love that is imperishable,
universal & unique.
Imperishable
in that the love is unlimited, constantly radiating & totally available.
Universal in that the love holds no boundaries or preferences; loving vibrations emanate to all souls of all cultures,
races & creeds.
Unique
in that the fire of God’s love cleans the heart & soul. Those who
tap into such love re-establish the bond of an eternal relationship.
Those who experience the spiritual love of God - who "merge with the Eternal Flame of Truth" - are disconnected from falsehood. Such souls have learned the first lesson of universal brotherhood:
All souls have love for one another because they're children of the same Parent.
That is called spiritual love.
When the fire of
spiritual love has been ignited, individuals begin exercising the will power to set themselves free from bondages of short-lived gratification.
Time is invested
& effort is made to build an internal stage in which love is revealed on the face &
in every activity. With the enlightenment of spiritual love, individuals are less disturbed by adverse circumstances.
They view dark
clouds & storms as opportunities to exercise their internal strength & resources. If others don't give them love, that doesn't extinguish their flame. They overcome thoughts which may direct them to step away from a particular person, place, or task.
Instead, there's
the faith that with effort, they'll make a significant & beneficial difference. The more effort is made to love, the more love is received. The spark of effort is
love & true love for effort means to remove whatever weaknesses
stand in the way of love.
An entire
world can be transformed through loving vision, loving
attitude & loving actions. To create a better world - a world of truth - spiritual love is primary.
In a better world,
the natural law is love; & in a better person, the natural nature is loving.
"May the image of the family be an example to make us nations, the great human family. That is to say, we're
members of an organization which knows how to face the difficulties of the moment, to overcome apparent divisions, to surmount
antagonisms, because it'is led by a force more powerful than any other: the force of love, which in the final analysis is the raison d’être
of the family."
Dr. Boutros Boutros-Ghali,
Secretary-General
of the United Nations,
December, 1993
Spiritual love means not dwelling on the weaknesses of others. Instead, there is concern for removing one’s own defects. The method to do that is to "check one’s own pulse " regularly to monitor how
much one has adopted the natural habit of giving happiness, not sorrow, to others.
However, true love from the heart also means one can't bear to see weaknesses in another for whom there's
love. There's the pure desire to correct what is inaccurate. Such correction would be carried out, on one hand, w/the feeling
of love & on the other hand, w/the power of words.
There would be balance between the two. When there's too much force in the words or too much love, the result
isn't successful. If words are too sharp, another may be insulted or put off by bossiness.
When one has the right balance of love & power in words, that gives others an experience of compassion, mercy & benefit. No matter how powerful or bitter the message, it'll touch the heart of the other & will be experienced as truth.
Others explode in some forms
of violence or perversion. The results are easy to find. We are some of them.
This often causes a vicious
circle of the abused or ignored child becoming an abuser of his own children. Thus, the consequences of the father's lovelessness affect not only his children, but often generation after generation.
Our own lives reflect our father's love for us. We
need to be healed in our innermost being of those hurts & that pain. Not just our fathers, but others as well have inflicted pain upon us. We need to ask Christ to forgive its of our hatred for these people, as well as forgive them for whatever they did to us.
We've also inflicted pain
on others; that should also be confessed before God & others.
It's no coincidence that God
is called the Father. It's in Him that our inner hurts can be healed & erased. As we allow Him to become our Savior & our Lord, He will show us that love & that concern for which we've searched so desperately for so long.
The Eskimos have perhaps
60 words in their language for the word, "snow." They
would no doubt feel very cramped w/just
our one word, for it would fail to adequately
describe the various manifestations of snow, so important to them. Our language similarly tries to cram many meanings into the word love.
Love, the strongest
& deepest element in all lives, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws, of all conventions,
the freest, the most powerful molder of human destiny.
unknown
be sure to check out the love and love 3 pages following this page & there is also more information concerning the important topic of love on the love
continued page!!! click here to go there now!
The most important thing is
to be capable of loving.
unknown
The Father’s Love
It's interesting, the trend
of thought in the 20th century which talks of man standing alone in the universe. Perhaps, even to Christians, this philosophy appears at times to be all too true.
The emptiness of the universe seems logical when considering the poverty of our own hearts. Reflection upon our lack of that inner stability leaves love & confusion as to exactly how meaningful our faith is.
Intellectually, of course,
some of us have faith nailed down. We've read the correct books on apologetics & heard the proper
lectures. When our faith is challenged, we reply with a quote from C. S. Lewis or Francis Schaeffer & smile contentedly.
Once in a while, however,
a person will ask us a more basic question: "Have you really found inner peace?"
The more dishonest ones of us reply along the lines of "Oh, well ... you grow as a Christian; it's a slow process..." How slow is the question.
How long can we stand in one place?
Those of us who try to face
the issue a little more squarely often can't reply at all. Instead, we find ourselves wounded in a way we can't really understand. We spend fruitless hours examining & re‑examining our lives, wondering why we are "failures" as Christians when so many others seem to be joyously serving God.
We fall under condemnation
& mistakenly believe that we are of no use to God or anyone else.
The problem we face seems
complex & it shouldn't he underrated. It isn't as huge as we believe, however. We must first realize that our lives, in even the most ideal cases, have had times of hurt & deep emotional wounding. One of our greatest needs is love.
Unfortunately, we often don't
realize that to give love we must first receive love.
We were created as loving people, but we were made as reflectors
of love. When we've had little or no love as children, we've been unable to give love in any lasting way.
Since we're incapable of love, we reason, we must he some I kind of human misfit staggering about, bothering other "normal" people &
completely useless & unwanted. We end up w/a horrible self‑image.
Soon, our problems multiply.
Our self‑image defeats us before we've begun & causes our ineffectiveness when God asks our obedience. We are sure of failure & usually our "prophecy" is self‑fulfilling.
We need healing. Crying out to God, our pain pushes us on. We often wonder how long our defenseless soul can withstand the continuous pummeling it receives from our overtaxed
emotions.
Even after we have had a personal
experience w/Christ, a "born again" experience, we still are emotional cripples. It isn't surprising, considering the balance of 1 or 2 or 3 years as a Christian compared w/say, 18 to 24 years w/out Christ.
We've worn masks to hide our hurts for a very long time & it's hard to simply "open up" to God (& other Christians!) about our pain.
The American male is told
that to cry is the mark of a "sissy" & that to admit our faults a mark of weakness. The result is predictable. We have
a generation of emotionally cold men, traveling thru life on the wave of surface pleasures.
These "pleasures" leave one
emotionally drier than he was before. We must be honest. What do we fear? Who hurts us the most? We must ask these questions & be honest w/our answers.
Our society is a patriarchal
society. It's also a society in the midst of change. A direct result of these two facts is tension that forms between the father, who rules the American home & the children who grow under his authority.
The father is in a position
where his insecurities are supposed to be suppressed,
while the child is in a position where his quickly changing concepts of life demand complete openness. The result is chaotic.
Children grow up seldom experiencing
love in airy form they can relate to, while fathers wonder what went wrong. Many fathers never even attempted love. How much easier it seemed just to allow the children to do as they pleased; there was so much less bother.
The Journey to Love
One fine summer's day a handsome young man named Dick & a beautiful young woman named Jane met & decided
to go on a trip together. They had heard of a miraculous place called Love, where
they'd feel the most magical & wonderful feelings they'd ever felt, where all of their deepest dreams & desires would be fulfilled & where they would live happily ever after.
Since they weren't sure where Love was, they went to a travel agent to ask
for directions. The travel agent took their money & led them to a special shimmering spiral path that got higher yet deeper
with every step. "Have fun, my dears! And oh yes, you may skip if you like!" Dick grabbed Jane's hand & they skipped
around the spiral, laughing & singing as they went.
Suddenly their euphoria was interrupted by a bedraggled older man crawling on his hands & knees. "Go back!
Go back while you still can! Don't go any further! I lost everything I had in Love!"
What an odd, strange man thought Dick & Jane. Whatever was he talking about? How could you possibly lose anything in Love?
He was just too peculiar to take seriously, so they skipped right by him, their singing drowning out his pathetic, pleading
voice.
The sun was shining brilliantly & fragrant wildflowers were blooming abundantly all around them as they
merrily skipped along the path to Love.
They soon came upon a middle-aged couple, walking slowly toward them. The couple walked about 15 feet apart
yet in some grotesque way seemed to be walking together, though curiously their eyes never met. Each looked bored, apathetic, even depressed.
Their bodies were
alive but their souls seemed to have died a long, long time ago.
Dick smiled & greeted the couple. "Lovely day, isn't it?" he named. No response, just a dull blank stare.
Jane took up the cause. "Have you been to Love?" The woman raised her eyebrows slightly.
The question seemed to bring a faint smile to her lips. She nodded her head weakly but said nothing. The man was now walking
ahead of her.
Dick & Jane held each tighter, then laughed a nervous giggle. Their exuberance clearly a decibel lower,
they shrugged their shoulders & moved on. They KNEW that Love was the most wonderful
place in the whole wide world. They congratulated themselves on their great judgment & expressed sadness that not all couples were as smart as they.
The terrain became a bit steeper & a few clouds began to appear in the sky as a smiling, handsome, charismatic
man walked toward them. "Hello fine sir," Dick said. "Have you been to Love?" "Oh
yes, it's a wonderful place indeed!" Relieved, Jane said, "Oh that's great to hear because we've met a few quirky people who
didn't seem to really like Love that much."
The man continued. "Well, to tell you the truth, I never go past this point myself. I can't see a good reason to go any farther. But I do enjoy the journey from the beginning
to here so much, I just keep going back & doing it over & over again. I love Love!"
Dick looked puzzled. "But is this Love? Are we there yet? The path continues
as far as I can see!" The man laughed loudly. "No you're right, technically you're not even close to Love.
But hey, don't get hung up on details. Come back to the beginning with me. Start all over again with someone new. The weather's
always great & the scenery is gorgeous!"
Dick was tempted, but Jane insisted they go on. After all, they were different than all the others. They KNEW
what Love was & how to get there. And she certainly didn't want to go to Love with anyone other than Dick.
Soon the skies grew dark & menacing & an intense thunderstorm filled the sky with sound & fury.
They desperately looked for shelter. A friendly couple appeared out of nowhere, who offered them an umbrella & invited them into a dry
cave to share some tea & conversation.
Dick & Jane instantly felt safe & open with this warm & engaging couple. They realized the man was blind & they felt sorry for him. Yet he seemed so happy! And he radiated the calm aura of one who can see the deepest truth in any situation.
"Have you two been to Love?" Jane asked. The man laughed. "Oh yes, in fact
we're there right now! But it's a long journey, you see & you must be prepared." Dick responded. "What do you mean prepared?
We were just told to follow this path."
The blind man went on. "Well for any journey to be safe & successful, be it to Love, Chicago or Tibet, you need a trusty road map & guidebook, to benefit from the learnings of those who have gone before you; you need a reliable vehicle to get you there; you need people you can call for help if you should get sick or break down before reaching your destination; & you need enough extra supplies to protect you so you'll survive when the going gets rough.
Do you have these things?" A twinkle seemed to emanate from his eye.
Jane stammered. "Well, we...I mean we sort of..." Dick jumped in. "Oh yes, we're very ready for this journey."
The blind man smiled as the sky began to clear. "Well good then. Because if you're prepared, the journey to
Love will be the most wonderful journey of your life. I wish you all the best." He extended
his hands outward. They embraced for a long moment & Jane thanked the couple for their kindness.
Dick opened the umbrella, grabbed Jane's hand & together they headed out into the light rain. Without saying
a word, perfectly in sync, they turned & slowly began walking back, back down the path together, gently squeezing their
interlocked hands.
Unconditional Love (starting with you) by Kathy Brandt
Gay Hendricks says in "The Learning to Love yourself Workbook," Humans
tend to demand from others what we are most unwilling to give."
Isn't that funny. We expect & demand someone to give us what we aren't willing to give. Unconditional love. If we expect that from someone to make us feel safe & loved, wanted & desired, don't we have
to understand what it is?
Don't we have to feel it for ourselves before we can accept or expect anyone else to give it to us?
Unconditional love: loving without limitations, conditions, or reservations. If we don't provide
that for ourselves, what's our point of reference to measure the love that is to fulfill our lives.
How would we know what we're searching for or what we expect someone to give to us? How do we express to someone what we need?
In order to know that there's such a kind of love, we had to have read it somewhere, seen it in a movie
or somewhere, sometime, someone showed us a glimpse of it.
Right? Wrong.
We were born knowing unconditional love. It's a gift, a birthright given to us from the very
beginning. It's the conditioning once our souls take on the human form that limits our belief in unconditional love. It's erased & replaced by conditioned thoughts of the world.
We learn our actions cause reactions. We learn that we're either good
or bad. We learn what's acceptable & what's not. That becomes our point of reference, removing us far away from what we were born with. After time
& experiences it almost seems hopeless to return.
It's true that
seeing glimpses of it in movies & books confirms in our hearts that it does exist. We're told that it's only fantasy.
That it's the fantasy we're craving. Not true.
Our spirit is craving what we knew from the beginning.
We need to take the time to find out what "unconditional love" is for ourselves instead of depending on someone to do it for us. If we aren't clear on what it is how will our needs & desires get met?
We expect someone to give us something but we aren't clear as to what that "something" is.
Following that path, we'll always be disappointed. We'll
always place people in position to let us down; all the while they have no idea what we're expecting from them. If we're unable to express our need in a clear manner there will be no one that will understand. If it isn't clear to us it certainly will not be clear to them.
Finding
your true unconditional love means finding
the true you. When was the last time you really
focused on finding out who you really are? So in reading this, the answer sounds easy but how do you begin?
Where do you start to begin this path of finding unconditional love? You must work thru painful experiences that create anger or bitterness in you.
- Why did it happen?
- What was the lesson to be learned in it?
Be grateful for the people that were put in your path to help you with that lesson,
rather than resenting them for hurting you.
It's absolutely impossible to unconditionally
love yourself if you harbor bitterness, anger, guilt or any other feelings that aren't love.
When looking thru your "looking glass" you see things as you've been conditioned to see them.
That woman smashed into the back of your new car because you feel you don't
deserve to have a new car. The kids are disobeying you because they don't care about you.
Your partner is angry because you blame
them for things & it's not their fault. It's all bad luck; if it weren't for bad luck youd have no luck. Hear that
before? It's how you look at the lessons that will make your journey easy or difficult. Clean off your "looking glass" &
let's get started.
- Focus on who you are. Write down all
the qualities you know about yourself; i.e.; (You love helping people,
You love
working with children, You're creative & so on.) Write them down
so you can actually see the wonderful qualities about yourself that you know are there.
- Practice speaking out loud all of the things you deserve. You deserve that new car, you deserve people
to respect you
& you deserve unconditional
love.
This is called affirmation. When your subconscious hears the words it starts to believe them. But you must do the work because no one will do it for you. You're in charge.
- Find a way to return to times & places that bring up resentful, fearful feelings where your needs weren't getting met. If you don't feel like you can do it alone, find a "coach" or therapist, or a friend that will help you feel safe & loved during the times of recalling these events. Talk about them.
Get honest, healthy & safe feedback.
Your ultimate idea of a bounce back partner is your life partner who is in your life to help you
grow & heal these areas. The idea here is to recall them, feel them (pain & all) & then release
them, let go to open up another room for unconditional love.
Recalling the event or person will give you a starting point. Recall the people involved, recall
how you felt & what should've happened instead to meet your needs.
How would you handle it today, knowing that you deserve to get your
needs met, knowing that you deserve unconditional
love
& knowing that in order to receive
unconditional
love you need to give it.
Feel the pain that the event & people caused you.
Go deep inside, feel the anger, feel the hurt, feel the rejection, feel the disapproval, feel how alone you were at that moment in your life.
Cry.Cry. Cry. And when you're thru crying all of the tears you have
over it, think for a moment how that situation would be handled today, knowing that you deserve to get your needs met, knowing you deserve unconditional love & knowing in order to receive unconditional love you need to give it.
And finally, release
the past, release the pain & forgive. Forgive means to stop
being angry about
or resentful against,
to relieve from payment of. To relieve from payment of the past is the step that will bring you to unconditional love. The world owes you nothing. You were born deserving it, so was everyone else. We're here on our journeys to help
each other heal.
Learning how to love yourself unconditionally,
creating your dream love by being clear on what you're looking for & be sure that you're able to provide that
for yourself before
When you're not expecting someone to provide it for you, that's where you'll find unconditional love.
Unconditional Love
by Dick Innes
Some time ago a mother shared her bewildering experience in a Reader's Digest article. She was involved in a church program when
she was called to the telephone.
It was her daughter, Katie
on the phone. She was gasping for breath. "Mother, it's Katie, Come quickly. I've taken sleeping... sleep..."
There was a crash. Then silence.
The parents called for an
ambulance & rushed Katie to the hospital. In torment they wrestled with the question, "Why did she do it? She was always
loving, popular & intelligent. She was 'perfect' in every way," they said.
Fortunately her parents got
her to the hospital in time. But when she revived, she screamed out curses & vulgarity. In her anger she lashed out & punched an intern of the nose & bit a nurse on the wrist.
The doctor tried to explain
to the confused parents: "Katie is a very upset young woman. She
doesn't think much of herself. That's why she took the sleeping pills."
"But she's always been a wonderful
girl," the distraught mother declared. "Surely she knows this."
The doctor remained calm. "She knew you thought so. She tried to be & felt she had to be what you thought she was.
"She didn't want to disappoint you - didn't want anyone to think she wasn't as nice as they all thought she was. We all want to be loved, you know. Katie thought acting nice is what made people love her -even her parents.
She doesn't think she's a person, so dying doesn't matter."
Love:
"With eternal patience & tireless regularity, it gives itself."
Katie was afraid that if people knew her as she really was - human with imperfections - she wouldn't be liked or loved. So in order to gain the love
& approval she so desperately needed, she pretended to be somebody that she wasn't. As a result her true needs weren't being met & she almost destroyed herself.
We're all creatures of need. That's the way we were made. Our basic needs aren't excessive but if they aren't met, we're in trouble.
We need food, water, air, clothing & shelter. We need something worthwhile to live for & above all, we need to love & feel loved.
Without giving & receiving love we limp along in the shadows of life We can become physically &
mentally ill or die before our time.
Time magazine reports that
"health studies have long shown that single, widowed & divorced people [who are lonely] are far likelier prey to disease than married folk.
Some examples: the coronary
death rate among widows between 25 & 34 is 5 times that of married women in the same age group. At all ages, the divorced
are twice as likely as the married to develop lung cancer or suffer a stroke."
In other words, we simply
can't live without love & companionship.
One of the big problems with
human love is that it's often conditional. This is, "If
you do what I want you to do or be what I want you to be, I will love you. If not, I will withdraw my love."
Like the woman Dr. Cecil Osborne
wrote about in The Art of Understanding Yourself who said: "I'd like to have married a man who
is very strong & yet very gentle. He would be strong enough to put me in my place when I get out of line, but understanding & sensitive enough to know when I need to have my own way in certain areas.
He'd be tolerant
of my occasional outbursts & emotional tantrums & wise enough to see that I need a good cry. He'd just pat me & console me without bothering to argue with me."
She went on at considerable
length describing this paragon of virtue while her husband sat listening intently. When she finished he said with a trace of bitterness, "There was someone like that once, but they crucified him between two thieves."
Men, of course, are just as
guilty in having unreal expectations of their spouses & offering conditional love.
Conditional love isn't really love at all. It's a means of controlling another person. This robs that person of his ability to think for himself, to be himself, to accept responsibility for himself & to stand on his own two feet.
It hinders his growth &
keeps him overdependent. Whether that control is done with a high & mighty hand or in a quiet, sweet manner makes no difference. The end result is the same. It's damaging
to human personality & is therefore sinful.
Unconditional
love never asks another person to be a "peace-at-any-price person."
In his book Unconditional
Love, John Powell explains that unconditional love never asks another person to be
a "doormat, a compulsive pleaser, or a peace-at-any-price person." It has no string attached.
The greatest force in the
world is love. Misguided or conditional, it's damaging to people. Unconditional, it's the
only power that can save mankind from self-destruction.
Dr. Powell believes that "unconditional love is a life - wager, a permanent gift of the heart. It's the only
way we can love one another. This gift says simply: 'I want to share with you whatever I
have that is good. Somewhere in the world there may be someone who is better for you or for me.
That's not the point. The point is that I have chosen to give you my gift of love & you have chosen to love me.
That is the only soil in which love can grow. We're going to
make it together!"
"Unconditional love means that I can't always predict my reaction or guarantee my strength,
but one thing is certain: I'm committed to your growth & happiness. I'll always accept you. I'll always love you."
That is exactly
the way God loves us. He says to each of us: "I know who you are. From the moment you were
conceived in your mother's womb, I knew you by name. I know everything about you--good & bad & I'll always accept you, always love you."
God is totally committed to us. That's why he gave his only Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross 2,000 years ago to save us from our self-destructive sin which causes eternal death.
You can't earn God's love, forgiveness, or gift of eternal life. They're already yours. All you need to do is respond to God's call to accept them.
You can do that right now
by a simple prayer asking God to forgive your sin, thanking him for dying on the cross for you & acknowledging & accepting him as Lord & Saviour of your life.
I believe that love produces
a certain flowering of the whole personality, which nothing else can achieve.
Unknown
Testing & Proving Love is Common & Controlling: Make a More Loving Choice
By Cathryn Bond Doyle
Isn’t it something how often people put pressure on their loved ones with the spoken or unspoken sentiment…
"If you love me you'll do what I ask?!"
I’m going to refer to this common practice in relationships as, “testing & proving” love. The phrase isn't original to me. It's however, a concise description
of hurtful behaviors & the topic for this month’s article. Below is a client situation as an example of this harmful tactic.
Testing & Proving Example
“My girlfriend, of 3 years, likes to go out barhopping, dancing & staying
out late with ‘the girls,’ often until 3 am. My girlfriend says she needs to dance to nurture her Soul. I'd gladly go out dancing w/her but she says she needs to ‘get out with her girlfriends’ & will continue to do so no matter how I feel about
it.
“I hate this! I feel insecure, disrespected & jealous that she puts herself in tempting situations set up for men & women to meet. I've explained
to her how I feel, how it tears me up. She's betrayed me before but says I have to trust her now. Do I have any options besides retaliating (I won't do that), breaking up
with her or suffering thru this?”
What’s happening here?
This woman is testing her boyfriend’s love for her by
expecting him to endure painful feelings as a test of his love for her.
“If you love me, you'll prove it by letting me do whatever
I want to do even if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable!”
AND
“I’m going to test your
feelings for me by doing something that I know you disagree with. The
more you suffer the more you show me you love me.”
This harsh sentiment has motivated people to do things against their wills & their instincts for eons. On the proving
side, it’s a slightly different approach; one of enduring pain or suffering so one can say,
“See how much I love you? Don’t you feel loved
that I suffered for you?”
So many times, the other person never actually asked their loved
one to suffer. It’s usually a volunteer activity, one that often comes w/an expectation of reward & the promise of punishment or guilt if not properly appreciated.
This is a two-way dynamic that punishes both people involved & always hurts the relationship.
What’s her tactic? She’s hiding behind the
pretence of self-care & boundaries
while accusing him of trying to control her…implying that HE is wrong.
In his willingness to try to find alternative solutions,
he’s beginning to see the pattern. She’s making it seem that his concerns are unfounded & limiting to her.
Please note: People
who're controlling often accuse others of exactly what they're doing. When we learn she has a history of untrustworthiness, she asks him to prove his love, once again, by trusting her where trust is no longer appropriate.
This is another test that disregards
his feelings. This is very unloving behavior. She's made several choices that are hurtful to the one she says she loves. Here’s a key point. When we're testing &
proving love, we're NOT being loving.
Why would she do this?
There are any numbers of reasons. Most of them are initiated by the sense that some form of pressure is needed to get someone to do something. It may be the fear that we don’t have enough logic or reason to persuade them so we use manipulation.
Some people do this kind of thing as a matter of course. They
hold beliefs &/or were taught that this is just what you do in loving relationships.
Some people can’t really trust love so they keep testing it to be sure it’s still there. Some people lack the self-esteem that enables them to believe they're lovable so they continually set up tests & ask for proof of love.
When “called to task” on this behavior, some will say, “everyone
does this,” as if that excuse is supposed to make it OK or less hurtful.
Sitcoms & teenagers use this tactic frequently. They try to make someone jealous as a test of how much they care. The concept of directly approaching someone we care about to tell them how we feel & to ask for what we want is considered “geeky”
by some.
How twisted is it that we look for & interpret people’s suffering as a
demonstration of their love for us?!
“Hey, I’m suffering for you, now show me you're willing to be miserable too!” It would be funny if it weren’t so true & painfully part of so many relationships.
What are his choices?
Unlike so many people who give in to this pressure w/an angry or self-pitying, “What choice do I have?” this fellow
is looking for choices.
He's seeking the “right thing to do.” Here are a few options:
-
Accept her decision & decide to trust her - 1 more time.
-
Accept this, out of “what choice do I have?” & suffer.
-
Get even &
try to get her to feel as miserable as he does so they'll both be miserable or then hopefully both stop.
-
Set a boundary
& say, “Stop this hurtful behavior. It's not OK w/ me. If you continue, I'm leaving.
-
Create a mutually agreeable compromise that honors both of their feelings & suits both of their needs.
Why do people put up with it? Many times people aren’t aware of this dynamic or that there’s any other way to get what you want in a loving relationship.
He loves her AND wants to trust her but has experience & a
valid reason to feel concerned. As he became conscious of what she was doing, he asked her to stop, he shared his true feelings & kept hoping that she'd change to ease his fears.
Often, when 2 people
share the same beliefs &/or are doing the same thing, they're more tolerant of each other’s
behavior. However, if one person “steps out” of the a set of behaviors, it can become harder to overlook hurtful or annoying actions.
Becoming aware that something isn't feeling good or not
working well can be the catalyst for looking for other options. Sadly, it can also be the trigger for becoming even more controlling & therefore even less loving.
It takes courage to acknowledge that someone you love is choosing to manipulate & hurt you. When you realize that you've been hurting the one you love, it takes courage to acknowledge your impact, to apologize & seek a new way of behaving.
Whether out of fear or unawareness, the behavior is still having negative impact. Not bad or wrong - "hurtful." The question becomes, “Do you want to continue the behavior or do something different?”
Ideally, both people are willing to change. The love
& trust in a relationship can deepen when a hurtful behavior is identified & reasonable changes are requested & agreed to. The
good news is that as you become
aware of & give voice to this tactic you're halfway to changing it.
The mere agreement to help each other stop this behavior works wonders for a relationship.
It can mark the beginning of a whole new level of trust & love that's possible when people realize they're going to be safer & more valued by loved ones.
OK, what can I do differently?
As you become aware of this testing & proving behavior, the first thing you'll want to do is, “PAUSE.” Stop yourself, even in
mid-sentence if necessary, or gently point out to another that you're feeling this pressure & ask 2 questions:
Something very exciting happens when you pause to ask these questions. It seems to interrupt a well worn, predictable sequence of actions
& creates the space for all kinds of new possibilities to come to mind.
Breaking out of an old pattern takes energy, finding a new path involves being creative &
it can actually be fun, especially when both parties are willing to give it a good-faith effort.
See how many choices you can generate. The more choices, the better
you'll both feel when you make the final decision.
An Alternative for the case study
If the young woman in this situation wanted to stay loving & get closer to her boyfriend AND believed it was possible to “have her cake & eat it too,” she could've imagined several other ways to “feed
her Soul & be w/her girlfriends” AND not put their relationship at such risk.
He offered her several options; she didn’t bring one to the table. He was willing to make lots of effort
to please her; she wasn’t going to budge from her actions.
He was trying to find creative ways to honor her needs AND honor his feelings. She seemed locked into the “I’m right, you’re wrong” position. She could've created more closeness w/ no sacrifices but for some reason, she wasn’t willing to make that choice.
NOTE: You’ll notice I have capitalized the word “and” several
times in this article. I did this to point out that many difficulties in relationships come from people thinking that feelings & things have to be either/or.
So often what works better is AND. You can feel this AND that. You can agree to
do this AND that. People can decide to try it this way AND that way. “AND” is a small word w/a great positive impact when you add more “and’s” to your relationships.
A brief response to this thought provoking question is as follows.
A boundary is making a decision that indicates a border or limit on something that's about you & for your well being, w/ no intention to have negative impact on others.
Testing & proving is almost always about demanding
that someone else do (or not do) something that impacts them negatively in order for you to get something you need & carries the threat that if they don’t do as you demand they'll be punished.
All in all, it comes down to being honest w/ourselves & w/those we love.
Ask yourself:
-
-
Is what I'm about to do or say going to bring me closer to the one I love or put a strain on our love?
When we take the time to become conscious of our actions & impact & to think
about the answers to these questions we'll create more joy & love in our relationships. It feels great
to realize that we can love & be loved
w/out any negative impact.
Love need not be about controlling to get what we want. This is a place for good creative problem solving skills & a clear intention
to generate more trust & love in your life.
© 2002 Cathryn Bond Doyle. All Rights Reserved.
Create & Maintain a Conscious Love Relationship Robert Elias Najemy
Part 1 of a 3 part series
We present you with a brief
outline of some basic points necessary to tend to in order to create a harmonious & loving relationship.
Inner Preparation Internal preparation is prerequisite for developing the maturity necessary
to succeed in creating a conscious loving union with our love partner. (Although we're discussing here specifically romantic
love relationships, most of what is being said is also useful for other relationships.)
a. Clarify Values, Needs, Life Style:
The more mature we are when we enter a relationship,
the more likely we're to succeed in finding the harmony we desire. In general, we attract persons who correspond to our present stage of interests, motives, values, goals, etc. This occurs thru the attraction of similars & also opposites.
As we ourselves
mature & become more aligned to our true selves, we'll attract people who are aligned to our true needs & goals.
We'd do best to begin a process of self-knowledge
& determine what we really want out of life. We need to clarify our values, needs & preferred life style. Having done so, we'll then attract a partner with whom we can share whatever is important to us.
b. Learn to love yourself:
If we don't believe we're lovable, it's unlikely we'll attract a mate who'll abundantly express love to us. We attract those who'll reflect to us the very same feelings we harbor for ourselves. Even if the other doesn't reject us, we'll frequently project or imagine that he or she is doing so.
We exhaust
our partners with our need for continuous reaffirmation of their love. When we doubt our self-worth, we easily fear losing the other's respect, admiration & love. We fear losing the other to someone else. We then become negative, possessive, jealous & often so overbearing that we suffocate the other until he or she does actually leave or develops various protective mechanisms, such as aloofness or aggressiveness.
When we doubt our self-worth, our need to be accepted & affirmed by our partner often causes us to deny our own feelings, needs, beliefs & values. We try to become who we believe the other wants us to be. We can't bear for the other to be dissatisfied or angry with us. We're afraid we're at fault or that the other will leave us.
c. Develop Inner security.
If we believe that we aren't safe alone in the world without our partner, we're denying our real selves, our real power & our spiritual nature.
I've heard a number of women confess that they
have stayed with their husbands, who were cheating on them for years, not because they loved them, or believed they would ever change, but because they feared being alone, especially economically. These women are bartering their self-respect
& happiness for a false sense of security.
It's essential that we build our feelings of self-worth & inner security so we can love the other without becoming dependent upon him or her. In this way, we'll be more alive & truer to ourselves in the relationship. Only in this way can we be
with the other because we love him or her & not because we fear being alone.
Clarifying Responsibility For Reality
a. The other is to blame.
We are each responsible for the reality we create within & around us. If we aren't happy, it's because we're allowing our attachments, aversions, expectations & to obstruct our happiness.
A main problem in our relationships is that we often blame the other when we aren't happy or secure. When something goes wrong, we seek to pass the blame because we find it difficult to accept our own mistakes & weaknesses.
We also expect the other to fill our emptiness in ways that he or she can't. The other can't create our happiness, security or feelings of self-worth. When we don't get what we need from the other, we feel hurt & angry & usually resort to blaming the other.
Because of this, we can get locked into power games, in which each tries to control, change & correct the other, neither wanting to be corrected. A bitter battle of wills ensues which defies real, sincere communication, as each blames without listening to what the other is saying.
If we expect that the other is going to supply what we're missing in ourselves, we're in for an unpleasant surprise. We must take responsibility for our health, happiness, harmony, fulfillment & the general state of affairs in our lives. The key to finding the happiness & harmony we seek is to stop trying to change others & change ourselves from within.
b. I'm to blame...
The opposite side to this belief system is that we're responsible for the others. If they're not happy, healthy, successful & most of all, not satisfied with us, we feel we're to blame. We feel we've failed in the role of love partner, child, parent or sibling & are susceptible to feelings of self-rejection, guilt & shame.
When we feel this way, we often turn on the others & blame them for not doing what they should have done to be healthy, happy, successful, so that we can feel okay in our role of "being responsible for their reality."
The responsibility problem has two sides: "They're responsible for my reality" & "I'm responsible for their reality." Both are illusions that lead to conflicts & unhappiness.
We'll dedicate another article to this matter.
This article will be continued in two more parts,
which will cover the following aspects of creating a conscious love relationship:
- Communication
- Common Activities
- Keep Learning & Growing
- Spiritual Activities
- Distinguish Between the Other & His Behavior.
- See the Other as Your Teacher.
- Keeping Promises
- Unconditional Love
- Reaching Out Beyond the Relationship
- Develop Your Own Relationship w/the Divine.
Create a Conscious Love Relationship -
2 Robert Elias Najemy
Part 2 of 3 part series
We continue here to discuss aspects of a mature relationship.
Communication
a.
Expressing needs & feelings rather than blame.
One of the main causes of misunderstandings, tension, bitterness, unhappiness & relationship failure is our inability to communicate effectively. We've been programmed to criticize, blame & intimidate rather than express our real needs &/or feelings of insecurity, fear, inadequacy or rejection, which is usually the reality behind our negativity.
We've learned to cover our weaknesses & put up a strong & often aggressive face. We can develop alternative means of communication in which we neither suppress our needs & values, nor do we hurt or demean the other.
b. Clarifying & communicating our needs before we unite our lives:
Whether we want to see it that way or not, marriage
is a contract between 2 persons who promise certain things to each other. Unfortunately for many, this contract is simply
a formality for the religion or the state.
However, 2 conscious persons wanting
to enter into a relationship have everything to gain by sitting down together & drawing up their own contract, independent of what the church or state may stipulate.
In this way, they will discover if they really have the same goals, values & perceptions about what their relationship means. They can express what they expect of each other. This will be an opportunity to discuss lifestyles & expectations more deeply, to see if they're really meant to unite their lives, or if it is perhaps better to remain friends.
Couples already married can renew their contract every few years, making adjustments when agreeable
to both which represent their present relationship needs. These contracts will evolve as their needs evolve.
Common Activities A relationship needs to be kept fresh & alive. One way is for the partners to share various types of common activities. One basic common activity
is bringing up children & everything that encompasses. Other possibilities might be attending classes, lectures or cultural
events together, playing games, going for walks, working on some business or creative project together, singing, dancing,
traveling or even reading together & of course, expressing love to each other physically.
In these mind & body stimulating activities, we're brought into deeper contact
& have new & interesting subjects about which to think & communicate. This is much preferable to limiting our time together to watching television.
On the other hand, we need to respect each other's unique individuality & shouldn't try to force the other to believe what we do, or pressure him or her into some activity in which he or she isn't interested.
However, we all have everything to gain by being open & experimental about life, allowing ourselves to try out new experiences & activities leading to mutual growth &
enrichment.
Keep Learning & Growing The disharmony we experience
in a relationship actually is a message that we have something to learn. We'd do well to analyze what we need to learn & make the corresponding adjustments in our attitude toward life.
Learning
& loving are the two reasons for which we have incarnated into these bodies. When we
stop learning or loving, our life is less meaningful. The purpose of life is to evolve in
our wisdom, love, inner peace, selflessness & creative abilities. Getting stuck & refusing to grow is the surest way to destroy the harmony in a relationship.
From a spiritual point of view, the other is our teacher. His or her behavior is
exactly what we need at this stage of our lives to learn something about ourselves & free ourselves from some beliefs or behaviors that are keeping us back in our evolutionary process.
We'll dedicate a significant part of this book toward clarifying what we need to learn from our partner's behaviors that disturb us.
Spiritual Activities As our spiritual growth process is the basic reason for our existence
in the physical plane, it's logical that it'll be an important part of any successful relationship. Spiritual activity is seriously missing from the lives of most families today.
Families
could pray or chant together. They could read & discuss spiritual texts together. They could meditate in silence together.
They could serve the less fortunate in society. Each home can vibrate w/ love & harmony.
I have
unfortunately throughout the years witnessed zealous spiritual aspirants who perceive their spouses, children or parents as
obstacles to their spiritual growth, believing that their spirituality is dependent upon their following seminars or meditating many hours. It is true that these activities can help, but they should never
be reasons to lose our love for those who might consciously or subconsciously obstruct us.
Love & selflessness are always the highest forms of spirituality.
Is love forever?
Debbie, 33, a credit collector for a shipping company,
recently ended a 3 year relationship. “From the moment I met Jerry, I knew he was right for me but experience taught
me to proceed cautiously.
After about 4 months of dating, I decided my first impressions
were right; he was everything I always wanted in a man. We had 3 happy years together & Jerry repeatedly told me how contented he was to have found someone w/whom he could share his life.
“We did everything together, took business courses,
went on vacations, even saw the same movies. Living together was comfortable, but for some reason the thought of marriage never appealed to me.
We had talked about having a family some day, but whenever
Jerry brought up the subject, I felt I wasn't yet ready. Jerry wanted to take our relationship to the next level but I felt
comfortable w/the way things were. For the first time in our relationship, it dawned on me that my relationship w/Jerry may not be forever.
This frightened me because I truly loved him but I knew that I wasn't ready to get married to him.
“When I finally realized Jerry really wanted marriage,
a strange thing happened. I began to feel uneasy w/our relationship. Things weren't like before;
I lost some of my excitement & desire to be w/him. It’s as if I was inconsiderate to him after he had been so good to me. I felt like I didn't deserve to be w/him.
We finally agreed to go our separate ways & even though
I miss him, I feel that somewhere along the way the love I had for him was lost.
“It’s been 4 years since Jerry & I ended
our relationship & I'm still trying to understand what happened between us. I’ve been seeing other guys, but so far I haven't experienced the closeness I had w/ Jerry.
My friends tell me I’m not yet ready to settle down
w/anyone & maybe there’re right. In my relationship w/Jerry I felt free to be myself. We lived together like buddies w/out feeling tied down to each other, (at least that’s
the way I felt).
When he became serious about marriage, I no longer saw
him as a buddy, but as someone who was going to tie me down. I just got scared.”
Do you believe this relationship was one of true love? Some may say it was a mistake because Debbie &
Jerry weren't truly compatible & shouldn't have been together in the first place.
In my opinion, this relationship was successful because both participants enjoyed 3 fulfilling years of their lives together. Someone once said if you can have one moment of true happiness in your life, grab it because true happiness isn't easy to find.
Love is a living entity; if it stands still,
it could die. To be alive means to move forward & go where life’s journey takes you.
Love may die only to be reborn again in a different form. Perhaps both Jerry & Debbie will move on to find love in different places, but they'll always cherish the love they
once shared w/each other.
And in the development of mankind
as a whole, just as in individuals, love alone acts as the civilizing factor in the sense that it brings a change from egoism
to altruism.
Unknown
1 in every 3 first marriages in the U.S will end w/in 10 years
1 in 5 will end w/in 5 years
43% of first marriages will end w/in 15 years
… According to
a November 2001 report issued by Centers for Disease Control & Prevention. The report “First Marriage Dissolution,
Divorce & Remarriage: US.”
Most people haven't totally lost faith
in the institution itself. Newer studies have revealed that the statistics on the success of remarriages are even less encouraging.
Remarried couples divorce at an even higher rate than first
timers. Yet it's not uncommon to see many divorced people remarry for a 2nd & even a 3rd time.
Despite the statistics so many people are willing to risk
the heartbreak, sorrow & economic losses resulting from failed marriages.
People need companionship & marriage has been the accepted structure for men & women to live w/each other for as long as we can remember.
However, over the past few decades, the staggering increase in the
divorce rate in America has left young people in doubt about the idea of marriage itself.
Many have opted for the less traditional arrangement, i.e., living
together w/out the benefit of the marriage vows. One U.S. Census report “Marital Status & living Arrangements, 1996”,
showed an 85% increase in cohabitation w/in the last decade alone. But does this ensure
compatibility in marriage?
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